Raw….ASCENDS!!

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On Monday night’s Raw, viewers were wonderfully blessed to see Edge and Christian return to host for the evening. Together the two were a comedic duo of glory. They announce their first guest for the show ‘Cutting Edge Peep Show’ would be Seth Rollins, mommy and daddy’s favorite son! But better yet, they announce a match we’ve all been dying to watch since Roman’s return.

Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins.

Oh yes, we can look forward to that beat down later. For now we must deal with the horrifying fact that Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman interrupt the five second pose to smack talk and invite Cena out.

Really? I mean, he told Edge that Cena was his hero….I…I don’t know why Cena would be considered Edge’s hero, but alright then. Cena is called out to the ring, and what happens? He wants to start a fight with Brock after bitch slapping Paul. Unfortunately we do not get to the two of them fight, but we have to praise the parodies of Brock’s sayings in the background.

Dolph vs. Rusev

(Champ vs. Champ)

Seeing as how Rusev is one massive Russian beast and is so far undefeated, it’s hard to imagine that Dolph would get the pin. Dolph does win the match, but only by disqualification. Rusev can’t seem to stop pummeling the poor ramen-haired man with his boot and that leads to the disqualification. Then to further destroy the show-off he pins him in the ropes and spends the next few moments torturing him until Ryback can save the day. After Ryback chases off the beast it leads to a very….odd promo?

It seemed misplaced, and quite frankly it almost seemed like Ryback was going to announce a retirement with how he went through his life story and came to be the monster which is Ryback.

Also let us never forget, his name was once Skip in the ring.

But the entire life story, his struggles, all of it led to one promo against…Rusev. It was just….very weird to watch.

Natalya vs. Nikki

Nikki wins the match, but not after being thrown out the ring and caught by Nattie’s husband Tyson. Really, she looked all too happy to be caught by him and Natalya was not amused in the slightest.

Usos vs Miz and Mizdow

This was for the tag team championship, and comes after Naomi thanks the Miz backstage for all that he did for her and her budding hollywood career. Congratulations Miz, someone aside from yourself doesn’t see you as a selfish prick!

As soon as the bell has rung, the only person who isn’t booed in the ring is Mizdow, but of course Miz will not tag him in. The Usos take the win, ending 2014 as the tag team champions they were for the year.

Cesaro….pulls a CM punk?

Someone is not happy happy that he isn’t seen as star material. After announcing he doesn’t care about connecting with the people and only cares about what he does inside the four ropes (three ropes bub, but he does know it has four sides) we have a special returning man with some bad news.

Enter…Bad News Barrett!

JBL is over the moon with excitement with BNB’s return, even going as far as to shout ,”My New Year’s complete!”. He’s like a happy kid on Christmas. In the fight Cesaro returns with his swing! Because who doesn’t love getting spun around by a giant shiny head man?

Unfortunately for Cesaro the swing wasn’t enough to defeat BNB and his bull hammer elbow.

Luke Harper vs Jack Swagger

After a Luke Harper promo (Guys, he speaks!) he begins his match with Jack Swagger. Honestly…it was boring, very boring. The entire match was two large men lying on top of each other. But hey, Luke Harper won!

Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins

Now this was a match full of brutality by both contenders. The nimble ninja Seth Rollins delivering devastating kicks while Roman Reigns delivers powerful blows. During this match we have Big Show on commentary, praising Seth while making comments on how Roman is not star material and he’s just ‘pretty’.

Honestly, Big Show is the disgruntled ex-girlfriend of Roman, there to cheer on his new wife Seth.

As Roman is about to deliver a finish that would have led him to win the match, Big Show interferes and hurls him over the announcer’s table before flipping it over and burying him underneath everything. Well, that’s unfortunate.

Main Event: Daniel Bryan

BACK IN THE 2015 ROYAL RUMBLE. YES! YES! YES! YES!

Backstage the Miz (with Mizdow in tow) makes a demand for a rematch because he is quite bitter over losing to the Usos. He wants a tag team match to get the championship back. But instead of getting what he wants, Edge promises him a match taking place very ,very soon but not for the titles.

The Ascension

The Ascension makes their debut as a tag team against the Miz and Mizdow. Seeing them with their lively, vicious entrance the entire time Miz is shaking his head and looking absolutely horrified. Naturally as soon as the match starts he tags out and lets Mizdow take the beating, allowing for the Ascension to win.

The Cutting Edge Peep Show

Now this was the perfect way to end the final Raw of 2014. It was also a magnificent way of establishing Seth Rollins as an amazing heel. Why? Well after he and his security team bring out the champagne, he butters up the hosting duo by saying they’re his idols. Seth announces that it’s going to be a new year, leading to a new Rollins. He invites the Big Show out (his loving husband) who happily joins him. After several attempts in drawing John Cena out to the party…things take a horrible turn for the worst.

He turns on the hosts of the evening. Slamming Christian in the gut with the briefcase, they then surround Edge like a pack of hounds ready to feast. They get Edge on the ground, holding him hostage and threatening to paralyze him should Cena not show up. When the walking billboard makes his appearance he is ready to save his idols….but he needs to do one thing.

Seth forces John to bring back the authority, with the promise that he won’t curb stomp Edge to death. After humiliating Cena, breaking him down and getting him to bring them back, Seth says one very memorable line.

But damn, you gotta know me better than that, I’m gonna kill him anyway

Now that is how a proper heel conducts business.

Luckily for us he doesn’t actually kill Edge, but he does curb stomp John Cena once he interferes, and that’s pretty damn okay in my book.

Seth shakes hands with Paul Heyman after getting everything he wanted. Finally the Authority, Seth’s mommy and daddy join them with champagne in hand, toasting a job well done to their favorite son.

Can’t you just imagine Seth looking brightly into their eyes, with the question ringing out “Did I do well mom? Dad? Did I?”

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Sassy Smackdown

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‘Twas the day after Christmas,

No Need to Shout

Because Smackdown was boring,

You’re not missing out.

Ho-Ho-Hogan makes another appearance this week to host Smackdown! Alright, well I suppose that’s acceptable, brother. Although considering his career you would think he could afford better fake hair under that bandana of his. Really though, his hair looks like the platinum extensions I purchased from Hot Topic as a teenager.

Enter Seth Rollins: After shaking hands with the Hulkster he then refers to him as the “Seth Rollins of the 80’s” and tells it like it is, the Hulk doesn’t belong in the ring anymore.

That was harsh, brother!

But really, Seth is coming into his own as heel. He perfectly cries and whines for Mommy and Daddy every chance he gets! He’s the teenager we all were at some point–discovering sass and using it at every opportunity possible.

Now Dolph appears to deliver some sass and tell Seth to disappear for a few years. Why? Because Hulk thinks Dolph is the future of the company! Well alright then, brother! Now what would a Smackdown episode be if we didn’t have more of Seth’s buddies popping out to defend his honor? Well…I’m not quite sure, but Big Show makes an appearance and his guardian angel!

Oh is it a wonderful appearance actually. Threatening to knock out the Hulk and Dolph in the most casual tone ever was simply beautiful. Almost as beautiful as Roman Reigns making an entrance and threatening to slap Big Show in front of the wife and kids.

(That would be Seth and J and J security in case you were wondering).

The pure, absolutely scandalized look on Seth’s face was charming. Roman’s threat gave us a quick look into the sassy, wonderful Roman Reigns that we need to see more of. Really, let the man be free and sassy all he wants, it’s absolutely entertaining.

Ryback Vs. Kane

Uh…..? I don’t…I..I’m not quite sure why this pair up happened. What is Kane even doing these days? You know what he’s not doing? Not being used as a Christmas Kane.

Seriously though, the WWE missed out on that opportunity if they haven’t already used it.

….Hehehe, Christmas Kane.

Okay, sorry, I was distracted by the idea of Kane dressed as Candy. Ryback was distracted as well with Rusev attacking him in the middle of the match and mounting him like a damn beastly lion in heat. Don’t worry, Hulk took disciplinary action against the Russian Beast, brother.  Rusev will have to defend his champisonship belt against–you’ll find out later. Just like Rusev had to.

In the mean time Naomi vs Alicia Fox happened, with the Miz watching backstage like a creepy stalker who wants Naomi’s love but, damn it he just can’t seem to get it. Really, the woman has an absolutely adorable handshake with her husband, you just can’t get love like that Miz, you can’t! Naomi wins the match, and later her husband Jimmy Uso wins his match against The Miz.

Really, kicking him after “Let’s be Uses” and right after the Miz shouts “Us” was comical beyond belief. Well done Jimmy, well done.

Before Jimmy comically kicked Miz’s ass back to Hollywood, R truth and Adam Rose fought. This time the bunny rabbit was missing which somehow helped Adam to win…? He was extremely aggressive this time around. I think he was just sour the Bunny gets more love than him. To no one’s surprise (or the surprise of many, I’m not sure, I found the match boring), Adam Rose won!

Yay.

Then just when I’m ready to take a nap during Rusev’s match, who better than to challenge him for the belt? Oh none other than someone who originally held it for quite some time….

Dean Ambrose!

Ah yes, after a charming kiss blown to Lana the Lunatic Fringe attacks Rusev. Throughout the entire match Lana looks absolutely scandalized as someone else managed to give Rusev a run from his money. Hell the man left the ring to get some air but Dean was not finished with him.

Well, not by choice at least.

The sour and psychotic Bray Wyatt attacked Dean, giving Rusev and Lana the perfect opportunity to flee. While it did seem that Bray was going to give Dean Abigail’s Kiss, Dean fought out of it and attacked Bray instead. Once the several steel chairs came out Bray retreated. Ah, psycho versus psycho, always fun and entertaining.

After Gold and Star each partake in a very short but nonetheless entertaining promo we finally have the Main Event: Tag Team Match!

Seth Rollins and Big Show vs. Roman Reigns and Dolph Ziggler

The sassy bitch face Seth made towards Dolph in the beginning was priceless. Michael Cole had his classic ‘vintage’ comment in regards to Roman. Apparently you only have to be in the ring for two years for your moves to be considered ‘vintage’, interesting choice. I had no idea such a short amount of time could pass in order to be vintage.

While Dolph is getting destroyed by both Big Show and Seth, it shows how eager Roman is to get in the ring. But in the mean time? Oh he is just thoroughly enjoying himself. He’s sassy and taunting and working with the crowd a bit. Hell, when the crowd chants ‘Big Slow’ he seems beside himself with amusement. We need this type of personality coming from him. Sassy Roman is an entertaining Roman, keep it around.

Even with J and J security interfering and changing the match into 4 v 2, Roman and Dolph still take the win with Roman getting the pin. Quite frankly, it’s about time the man was able to beat Seth down.

Plus the sassy golf clap as the miserable family sulks away? Priceless, brother!

Ho-Ho-Holy Hogan Christmas Host, Batman!

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Merry Christmas everyone, from Monday Night Raw!

To start, let’s have John Cena bitch and moan about Seth Rollins for the hundredth time. Geez, let it go Cena. Or let your time in the ring go, and step back…and let someone else be top dog for a little while.

But hey, just a suggestion. Everyone in the WWE Universe is well aware you cannot put anyone over on you. Which is why every time your face shows up ‘Cena Sucks’ chants take over and absolutely dominate anything you have to say.

Ho, ho, ho, brother, don’t get so mad! We’ve got Ugly Sweater Lawler to think about as we attempt to forget you singing ‘Let It Go’. Frozen has been out for ages, John. Stop reminding us of the film.

To save us from John Cena’s personal pity party that no one wants to deal with we have the wonderful Seth Rollins. Yes he may be crying about mommy and daddy not being around but he makes up for it. Saying “Your time is up and my time is now” and later “That is not the holiday spirit alright!” To the crowd definitely makes up for his moaning for the Authority and Cena’s constant crying. To end their crying Holiday Hogan (because he is no Saint Mick) grants them a match which Cena wins (no surprise to anyone).

King does make the lovely comment of “Maybe he’s as talented as he thinks he is” in regards to Seth Rollins.

Of course he’s as talented as he thinks he is, no one ever lets him show it.

Following Cena and Rollins was Fandango the….so-so dancer and Jack Swagger. Fandango won but no one really cares, the match lasted maybe five minutes? Unless you care, then that is unfortunate and my deepest apologies to you and your mind.

After the incredibly random New Day promo, we were subjected to watch a very random Adam Rose vs R Truth match. Of course R Truth won after distracting Adam with his ‘mad dance skills’. The odd and confusing portion was Adam going bat shit crazy on the bunny rabbit.

Uh….? The poor dude is already in a rabbit costume with a neck brace. Leave him alone. I understand you look like a cross between the Prince of Persia and Russell Brand in ‘Arthur’, but get a grip on yourself man!

Following the very weird and odd match ups we have Big Show vs Roman Reigns. Big show was very pissy he got punched in the mouth by the Samoan Bear, so he promises to stuff his face.

…..

Does…does he…does he realize what he said? Because that’s incredibly inappropriate and I thought we were in the PG Era here people!

It’s no surprise they’re trying to build Roman up as this huge juggernaut. The best way to do that is pit him against the Big Show, have him take a beating and then ultimately win the match. Which he does do, by delivering a Superman punch that throws Big Show over the announcer’s table. Roman wins by a count out, and Big Show stalks away like an angry rhino.

Maybe he really did want to stuff his face….

After Dean delivers a humorous promo, we have Brie vs Natalya. Natalya takes the win and knocks Nikki away from the ring and holds her championship belt high. Looks like Natalya wants to take a swing at the title for herself.

Goldust and Stardust go against the Los Matadores.

Alright….?

The best part had to have been Stardust demanding the little red nosed bull-deer. “I want the bull!”

That accompanied with Goldust waving the little reindeer bull hybrid around and smacking Stardust made for an amusing match even though the peculiar sibling duo lost.

FINALLY LUKE HARPER SPEAKS!

The dirty southerner versus the ramen-haired show off for the intercontinental championship. Luke must have been feeling cocky because he slugs Dolph right in the face and delivers a cruel beating before the match even begins. To no one’s surprise, Dolph wins and retains the championship. By the time the match is done, the ramen on his head is completely cooked and fluffed to perfection.

We get to take a break with Rowdy Roddy Piper who invites the communist scrooges “Layna and Roosov” to the ring. Lana delivers a beautiful ,elegant speech explaining how Christmas is a joke and how we Americans pretend to be good people.

Well, she’s not wrong there.

To show them just how great America and Christmas are, Piper gives them a beautiful gift. One massive Ryback in a giant red bow to deliver an ass kicking that chases Rusev and Lana away making way for…

Drum roll please.

Santa’s Helper’s 6 Man Tag Team Match!

Naomi, Emma, Alicia Fox vs Cameron, Summer Rae, and Paige

….

Naomi, Emma, and Fox won. It was weird. All very weird. Cameron wore polar bears on her feet. Emma makes me think of a five year old. Naomi is secretly a circus acrobat I am convinced of this, and Paige stole the match with her beat downs and crowd interaction.

Right before Miz and Jey Uso fight!

Superstar because he was a fantastic performer: Mizdow

Actually winner of the match: Miz.

Main Event…..Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt!

Miracle on 34th St Fight! (WTF?)

If you absolutely adore trees, this match may have killed you. Not a single tree was safe this evening, as all four Christmas trees surrounding the ring were savagely beaten against these two wrestlers. Dean, comical as always enters with Santa’s red sack possessing a candy-cane striped Kendo Stick. As for Bray, he sings “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” and affectively shatters the souls of thousands of children as he single-handedly kills Christmas.

As Bray and Dean destroy each other, Dean unwraps a very lovely gift. Inside is a monitor which I’m sure offered enchanting memories of his latest TLC match.

How very reminiscent of ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’.

Dean sends Bray through a stack of Christmas presents, offering a rousing game of Holiday bowling. After Bray wears a decorative wreath necklace the match continues with numerous pins and kick outs. Bray sends Dean face first into a candy kendo stick attached to the top turn buckle, taking the win from Ambrose.

(Really? Really? Alright WWE you’re calling the shots here…)

But Bray made the fatal mistake of turning around to finish off Dean. The Lunatic Fringe blasts Bray with a fire extinguisher and puts Bray through the table.

Then he relaxes casually on the broken table with a lovely, crazed grin on his face while Bray is slumped over on the ground next to him.

Happy Holidays!