Merry Christmas everyone, from Monday Night Raw!
To start, let’s have John Cena bitch and moan about Seth Rollins for the hundredth time. Geez, let it go Cena. Or let your time in the ring go, and step back…and let someone else be top dog for a little while.
But hey, just a suggestion. Everyone in the WWE Universe is well aware you cannot put anyone over on you. Which is why every time your face shows up ‘Cena Sucks’ chants take over and absolutely dominate anything you have to say.
Ho, ho, ho, brother, don’t get so mad! We’ve got Ugly Sweater Lawler to think about as we attempt to forget you singing ‘Let It Go’. Frozen has been out for ages, John. Stop reminding us of the film.
To save us from John Cena’s personal pity party that no one wants to deal with we have the wonderful Seth Rollins. Yes he may be crying about mommy and daddy not being around but he makes up for it. Saying “Your time is up and my time is now” and later “That is not the holiday spirit alright!” To the crowd definitely makes up for his moaning for the Authority and Cena’s constant crying. To end their crying Holiday Hogan (because he is no Saint Mick) grants them a match which Cena wins (no surprise to anyone).
King does make the lovely comment of “Maybe he’s as talented as he thinks he is” in regards to Seth Rollins.
Of course he’s as talented as he thinks he is, no one ever lets him show it.
Following Cena and Rollins was Fandango the….so-so dancer and Jack Swagger. Fandango won but no one really cares, the match lasted maybe five minutes? Unless you care, then that is unfortunate and my deepest apologies to you and your mind.
After the incredibly random New Day promo, we were subjected to watch a very random Adam Rose vs R Truth match. Of course R Truth won after distracting Adam with his ‘mad dance skills’. The odd and confusing portion was Adam going bat shit crazy on the bunny rabbit.
Uh….? The poor dude is already in a rabbit costume with a neck brace. Leave him alone. I understand you look like a cross between the Prince of Persia and Russell Brand in ‘Arthur’, but get a grip on yourself man!
Following the very weird and odd match ups we have Big Show vs Roman Reigns. Big show was very pissy he got punched in the mouth by the Samoan Bear, so he promises to stuff his face.
Does…does he…does he realize what he said? Because that’s incredibly inappropriate and I thought we were in the PG Era here people!
It’s no surprise they’re trying to build Roman up as this huge juggernaut. The best way to do that is pit him against the Big Show, have him take a beating and then ultimately win the match. Which he does do, by delivering a Superman punch that throws Big Show over the announcer’s table. Roman wins by a count out, and Big Show stalks away like an angry rhino.
Maybe he really did want to stuff his face….
After Dean delivers a humorous promo, we have Brie vs Natalya. Natalya takes the win and knocks Nikki away from the ring and holds her championship belt high. Looks like Natalya wants to take a swing at the title for herself.
Goldust and Stardust go against the Los Matadores.
The best part had to have been Stardust demanding the little red nosed bull-deer. “I want the bull!”
That accompanied with Goldust waving the little reindeer bull hybrid around and smacking Stardust made for an amusing match even though the peculiar sibling duo lost.
FINALLY LUKE HARPER SPEAKS!
The dirty southerner versus the ramen-haired show off for the intercontinental championship. Luke must have been feeling cocky because he slugs Dolph right in the face and delivers a cruel beating before the match even begins. To no one’s surprise, Dolph wins and retains the championship. By the time the match is done, the ramen on his head is completely cooked and fluffed to perfection.
We get to take a break with Rowdy Roddy Piper who invites the communist scrooges “Layna and Roosov” to the ring. Lana delivers a beautiful ,elegant speech explaining how Christmas is a joke and how we Americans pretend to be good people.
Well, she’s not wrong there.
To show them just how great America and Christmas are, Piper gives them a beautiful gift. One massive Ryback in a giant red bow to deliver an ass kicking that chases Rusev and Lana away making way for…
Drum roll please.
Santa’s Helper’s 6 Man Tag Team Match!
Naomi, Emma, Alicia Fox vs Cameron, Summer Rae, and Paige
Naomi, Emma, and Fox won. It was weird. All very weird. Cameron wore polar bears on her feet. Emma makes me think of a five year old. Naomi is secretly a circus acrobat I am convinced of this, and Paige stole the match with her beat downs and crowd interaction.
Right before Miz and Jey Uso fight!
Superstar because he was a fantastic performer: Mizdow
Actually winner of the match: Miz.
Main Event…..Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt!
Miracle on 34th St Fight! (WTF?)
If you absolutely adore trees, this match may have killed you. Not a single tree was safe this evening, as all four Christmas trees surrounding the ring were savagely beaten against these two wrestlers. Dean, comical as always enters with Santa’s red sack possessing a candy-cane striped Kendo Stick. As for Bray, he sings “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” and affectively shatters the souls of thousands of children as he single-handedly kills Christmas.
As Bray and Dean destroy each other, Dean unwraps a very lovely gift. Inside is a monitor which I’m sure offered enchanting memories of his latest TLC match.
How very reminiscent of ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’.
Dean sends Bray through a stack of Christmas presents, offering a rousing game of Holiday bowling. After Bray wears a decorative wreath necklace the match continues with numerous pins and kick outs. Bray sends Dean face first into a candy kendo stick attached to the top turn buckle, taking the win from Ambrose.
(Really? Really? Alright WWE you’re calling the shots here…)
But Bray made the fatal mistake of turning around to finish off Dean. The Lunatic Fringe blasts Bray with a fire extinguisher and puts Bray through the table.
Then he relaxes casually on the broken table with a lovely, crazed grin on his face while Bray is slumped over on the ground next to him.