Smackdown Live

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(There’s a beautiful “Snowbody Keeps Me from Raw” sign, well done, my hat tips to you sir or madame, or small human in the audience)

For this special edition of Smackdown, we are greeted to the evening by the entrance of Triple H. For the most part he deflects the controversy surrounding Sunday’s Royal Rumble. However he does manage to praise the triple threat match.

Seth Rollins proves he’s the future of the company, (Which is a hell of a thing to hear from HHH); Brock Lesnar proves he’s the beast, and John Cena proves he’s the past (well hot damn).

As to his deflection of the rumble itself, my takeaway was “WWE loves balls”. Or something like that….he really had a ball with that segment.

As he states that on Monday Night Raw he will make an announcement to fix the controversy, Roman Reigns enters the fray. Roman is not pleased by this, as seen by him stating that he won the rumble and that spot is his. Well, to test just how ready Roman is, he sends out the Big Slow.

Great, another match with these two. Just what I’ve been dying for.

Big Show vs Roman Reigns

During the battle Roman knocks Big Show over the top rope, forcing the giant to remember his elimination at the rumble. With an injured leg as a result of the whiny giant, Roman still manages to spear him and pin him for the win.

Honestly, I think Roman Reigns needs to go against faster, more agile components to better showcase his ability as opposed to Big Slow. Their matches are boring, but when he’s with someone quicker (say, Seth Rollins), it’s definitely more interesting.

Promo: Vince McMahon! Oh hot damn!

In summary, Vince tells us all to subscribe to the damn network because February is free. While the man is usually rather charismatic, he seemed incredibly stiff and forced. Wow, it’s almost like being forced to read some crappy script makes you seem worse at your delivery.

Hm, I wonder what popular superstar has this dilemma right now. Interesting.

Seth Rollins and his hobbits

Of course Seth needs to be the center of the ring and gloat over how well he did at the rumble. He then issues an open challenge to anyone in the building to attack, and three people predictably take him up on this challenge:

Ryback enters, then Erick Rowan enters to save Ryback, only for Dolph Ziggler to enter and attempt to save the both of them. As this blitzkrieg happens, Seth is able to flee but J&J are stuck with our favorite masked genius. Surprisingly Seth goes back and saves his two hobbits.

Turns out, Seth Rollins has a heart for those two little guys, aw!

Promo: Kane is disturbing.

He lovingly or sexually caresses the casket while poetically describing Daniel Bryan’s demise.

Hot.

Jey Uso vs Tyson Kid

Jey is accompanied by Jimmy and Naomi while Tyson is accompanied by Cesaro and Natalya.

While Cesaro hops up on the apron, Jimmy makes sure to attack him for trying to interfere with the match. However that was enough to throw Jey off of his game as Tyson is able to pin Jey for the win.

Russian Temper Tantrum

Rusev and Lana enter the ring to show us filthy Americans how the Russians throw a proper temper tantrum! Rusev is bitter that he did not win the rumble (you, 28 other people, and most of the world are bitter about who won, buddy).

Rusev then addresses John Cena, calls him a loser, a thing of the past without any titles and drive to further his career…which means now we have to listen to John Cena gloat about his 15 titles, 2 royal rumble wins…yada yada. Yes, very impressive.

Although, John does deliver a promo that surprisingly isn’t as horribly stale as per usual. Hell, the “pubes and boobs” comment could elicit a chuckle from anyone. That, accompanied with his challenge to fight Rusev right then and there is not enough to get a match started. Lana convinces Rusev to save it for Fast Lane, and that’s just what they’ll do.

Well, for the time being at least.

Promo: Paige and Renee

Barely anything is discussed when the Bellas interrupt Paige. They go back in time and become the cruel, mean girls from high school we all hated who taunt Paige about her pale skin and call her a vampire.

Yes, charming Bellas, wonderful character development.

Goldust, Stardust vs. The Ascension

Holy Crap, Ascension is fighting an actual team instead of jobbers!

Stardust starts the match after he and Goldust bicker who will begin. Towards the end of the match right as Goldust has an open chance to take the win, Star tags himself back in. This results in the younger tag team separating the two brothers so Gold cannot come to the rescue.

Stardust is pinned, giving Ascension the win, and a possible split in the future for the dynamic duo.

Some Wizard Wars guy?

I missed his name, and I only feel partially guilty. As he is performing tricks backstage, Miz and Mizdow enter and need to be the center of attention. While expressing that he knows exactly what this wizard is doing, Miz is shocked when he reveals that the ‘trick’ being used was also another magic trick.

Mind you, this man has already said that Mizdow was the A-Lister as opposed to Miz. Shade has been thrown ladies and gentleman, it has been thrown full force.

Refusing to believe that the magician is holding an actual egg, Miz tells him to prove it….He then has an egg smashed on his face and everyone flees the coming temper tantrum that will surely happen.

All except for Mizdow who is seen laughing at the actor. More trouble in paradise? Probably.

Promo: Bray Wyatt

In summary, he’s a sick man who enjoys sick things, same here buddy, I feel ya.

Kane vs. Daniel Bryan

Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how Bryan attempted to use the ‘Yes Lock’ to get Kane into the casket? Oh it was absolutely rejected but it was a valiant effort. While Kane has been in far more casket matches as opposed to his competitor, that was not enough. Bryan drop kicks Kane into the casket for the win.

Quite honestly, that was expected. With the controversy surrounding the rumble, they had to have Daniel be the winner in this scenario. It seems it’s come to the point where Daniel Bryan needs to win every single match he’s in otherwise the universe will riot; that’s rather pitiful and disappointing.

Smackdown was predictable, boring, and a summary of everything that happened Sunday. It lived up to it’s usual disappointing formula–except it was live.

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Raw Substitute

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Due to a gnarly blizzard that has begun to hit the north east and will continue to beat the crap out of said section of the country for ages, Raw Live in Hartford, Connecticut was canceled. In it’s place there were interviews at WWE Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut. During this time we are treated to a sort of shoutout to Al Roker with our very own JBL outside acting as the resident weatherman. A very sarcastic and bitter weatherman, but one nonetheless.

When not conducting interviews, they replayed last night’s triple threat match and the Royal Rumble itself. The following are points from each interview that I took away as being either important or just interesting. Or I wrote it down and I’m not sure why.

Seth Rollins Interview

  • Deserved to be in the match (He knows this)
  • Admits to underestimating Brock Lesnar; but said man also underestimated Seth and his ring ability
  • Highlights his elbow drop off the top rope, and Phoenix Splash (not corkscrew moonsault Cole, get yourself together)

Once Seth hears that Brock is in the building and will be interviewed next, he wants Brock himself to kick him out of his seat. Rather than anyone getting curb stomped or a German suplex thrown about, Seth stands up and offers Brock his seat….but then throws it to the floor like a petulant child.

Stay classy, Seth Rollins, stay classy.

Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman

  • Paul clarifies they are not at odds with the Authority, so long as they can afford to pay for Brock’s services
  • We are forced to relive the trauma of Brock ending Undertaker’s streak
  • Brock makes an awkward comparison of himself to a steam roller
  • Brock is NOT intimidated in the slightest by Roman Reigns and even wants to meet the man (oh dear)

Roman Reigns 

Rather than a forced, scripted promo about fairytales and bean stalks, Roman is finally allowed to be himself which is exactly the direction they should be taking with him. Here Roman uses actual stories about his family and real situations to portray himself as a man ready to Main Event.

  • Fine with being thrown in with the sharks, it’s how he learns, he’s ready
  • In regards to being booed: as long as he can do his job, he’s happy and not worried about it. It’s not exactly fair to himself and no one wants to be booed when they win but he accepts it
  • In being hand picked: it’s just an opportunity, but it’s his job to take it and prove himself.
  • Address that he does in fact come from a family of successful wrestlers, but he is carving his own path

Dean Ambrose stumbles into WWE HQ

This man walked from Hartford to Stamford, then later hitched a ride in an attempt to get to HQ. Sure, there was an altercation with a man at a gas station and things were rather questionable and possibly illegal at some point but it doesn’t matter. He heard that Raw was being held at HQ and he was committed to the cause!

He was also committed into vowing that he will make it into Wrestlemania no matter what it takes. I like to think he’ll just walk down the ramp during a match, knock someone out and take their place.

Daniel Bryan Interview

  • Reaction to early elimination: Disappointed he didn’t win, wanted the ultimate David vs Goliath (in regards to fighting with Brock Lesnar)
  • Admits failure is on him
  • Doesn’t doubt that Roman can put on a good show

Roman Meets Brock

  • Paul congratulations Roman, then “kindly asks permission to ask the questions”, charming. Paul is now the interviewer
  • Makes it a point of going through the long history of Roman’s family and his interactions with them.
  • Points out Brock beat the Rock for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and Rock never asked for a rematch because one loss was enough
  • Question: “How will you handle losing to Brock Lesnar?”
  • Rather than address Paul, Roman turns and addresses Brock
    • Brock doesn’t know what he’s up against, Roman will take the title, but if not then he will take a piece of Brock with him (ow)
  • Brock jumps up, so does Roman. It appears to be a fight but instead Brock says “Unlike him (Paul), I don’t respect you”
  • To which Roman cooly replies: “But you will.”

Now that is how you redeem a controversial Royal Rumble and sell a Wrestlemania Main Event match. Vince should bow down and kiss the ground Paul glides on.

In regards to this Thursday, it will be a live Smackdown event. One of the matches lined up for that day is a Casket Match between Daniel Bryan and Kane.

Other announcements were Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the celebrity inductee to the Hall of Fame. They really missed out on calling him the “Hall of Fame-Inator”.

They also announced two matches for Fast Lane. John Cena vs. Rusev was one. I will be incredibly surprised if Super Cena isn’t the one to finally pin Rusev, but it would be great if he wasn’t. Then a challenge was issued from Triple H to Sting for Fast Lane. Will Sting accept? Probably not, but we’ll see what happens.

Royal Rumble 2015

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So….that was quite the eventful night, wasn’t it? There’s a bit to cover, so let’s start with the results of the Pre-Show.

Kofi Kingston, Big E Langston (New Day) Vs Tyson Kidd, Cesaro (escorted by Natalya and Adam Rose)

I’d like to point out that Natalya is wearing all black and has been accompanying Tyson to the ring with Cesaro. While yes, she is his husband….could we be slowly building up to a heel turn? A Natalya heel would be beautiful, now onto the match!

The crowd absolutely loves and adores Cesaro. New Day? Not so much, they’ve made it very clear they’d like to give Cesaro a push here. Much to the crowd’s enjoyment, Tyson delivers the pin and wins the match.

~*~

Now that the long pre-show has been covered, let’s carry on to the actual Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View. The first match of the night starts out with a vintage touch.

New Age Outlaws vs. The Ascension

This feels slightly terrible on my behalf, but for the duration of this match I was not cheering for the Ascension. Their booking has been terrible and they haven’t proved themselves to be anything special. They haven’t proven why they’re better than every other tag team out there. For awhile, I thought I would get my wish.

I don’t know what happened quite honestly, but it all went south very quickly. The Ascension gains momentum at a pace that feels like it was completely out of nowhere. The youngsters take the win over their elders, but it doesn’t feel deserved in the slightest.

Promo: Triple H and Stephanie

So…it seems like the power couple is still reasonably bitter about Sting’s appearance. Hunter threatens to attack the vigilante should he show up once more, but Paul Heyman steps in and offers a solution. The solution to their Sting problem would be one beast, Brock Lesnar.

It seemed like they were alluding to a Sting vs Triple H match, but perhaps we’re going to see a Sting vs. Brock Lesnar match?

No idea.

The Miz, Mizdow vs. The Usos

Tag Team Championship Titles

Yeah, Miz will never let this go apparently.

Jimmy pins Miz for the win, therefore The Usos retain their titles.

Promo: J & J Security Gaming hour

Really, they’re gaming. I mean it’s a cute plug for the new, free WWE app ‘Immortals’, but still… Hell, every time I hear ‘Immortals’ I unfortunately do not think of the free-to-play game, but rather Fall Out Boy and Big Hero 6, whoops.

Well, Seth Rollins enters and is not happy about their gaming. During his little miniature pre-match tantrum, he reveals that he’s not the future, but rather “I’m the right now.”

Beautifully put good sir.

The Bellas vs. Paige and Natalya

In this match Nikki puts Natalya away after Brie pulls Paige from the apron, keeping Natalya from making the tag.

The Bellas win, and we lose because we don’t get to see Paige shine in the ring.

John Cena vs. Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar (If you’re Paul Heyman it’s: BRAAAAWWWKKK LESNAAAAR)

Triple Threat Title Match, World Heavyweight Championship

The crowd absolutely hates John Cena and they make that very clear as soon as he enters. They do however love Brock and Seth so, that’s some sort of bonus.

At the start of the match Seth immediately flees out of the ring–which is honestly a smart tactic when you’re against the murderous beast and Super Cena who apparently can never stay down. Brock suplexes the both of them all around the ring. In short, John and Seth are action figures that the bully child of our youth would rip apart and throw as he pleased.

Or Brock is a massive Chimpanzee ripping apart Colobus monkeys (those being Seth and John).

Speaking of massive, can we all appreciate the fact that Paul Heyman ran like an olympian to get out of the way of nearly being crushed by his client, the beast, Brock Lesnar? He even added a lit hop to save his ankles. That man was not going down without a fight.

While Brock pinned Seth for the win to retain his championship, the MVP for this match is undoubtedly Seth Rollins.

There were shades of HBK when he leaps off of the top rope and onto Brock who’s laying on the announcer’s table. It’s very reminiscent of his idol Shawn Michaels who did the exact same maneuver at Wrestlemania 25 to the Undertaker. Seth also, very beautifully executes the Phoenix Splash, leaps from the top turnbuckle onto John and Brock, and sells every move. His entire presence during the match showed that he belonged and is in fact Main Event material.

The Royal Rumble

Now for this section I won’t be listing every single entrant, mostly because I’m incredibly lazy. Also because some aren’t that important as entrants.

1) The Miz

2) R-Truth

Okay that’s an interesting start…?

3) Bubba Ray Dudley

The pure excitement as he entered was magnificent. He executes a few ‘vintage’ movies with Truth, and it is glorious. I also found it comical that the Dudley entered third…3D, get it? Okay I’ll be in my corny and lame joke corner now, I apologize.

5) Bray Wyatt

6) Curtis Axel Erick Rowan

Since Erick lost his spot in the rumble, he attacks Axel and takes his spot instead. He enters the ring and it seems as though he will team up with Harper against Bray. Now all three Wyatts are in the ring which leads to a Wyatt feud–which I can definitely get behind. Bray then throws both Wyatts out of the ring.

7) Boogeyman

This man’s entrance is terrifying. Since he is alone with Bray they engage in a ‘weird off’ to see who is….more psychotic. I believe Bray won this, and he even throws him out of the ring.

Bray is destroying the competition, reminiscent to CM Punk as he takes to the microphone in between entrants. Well done Bray!

(Not that it matters but they let Zack Ryder roam free tonight, only to get thrown back into the storage closet by Bray)

10) Daniel Bryan

14) Diamond Dallas Page

15) Rusev

Rusev eliminates DDP while Bray eliminates Daniel Bryan. Now that Bryan is gone the entire crowd proceeds to boo every single contender that enters the ring. Oh, and they’re sour for the remainder of the evening. That’s quite classy.

Kofi is thrown out of the ring, caught by the Rosebuds, and then they put him back into the ring. Always rely on Kofi getting back into the ring in some peculiar way.

19) Roman Reigns

The booing never ends when he enters, which is a shame. The universe has known he would win since last year’s rumble but they’re too sour over Daniel Bryan’s elimination.

21) Mizdow

This is marked because when Mizdow tries to enter, the Miz stops him and tries to take his spot so he can have a second chance. When he jumps onto the apron, Roman shoves him right off. Rather than helping him, Mizdow gets into the ring, only to be eliminated by Rusev and continue to mimic an absolutely livid Miz. Well, at least it was amusing and further fueling the split of these two.

25) Dean Ambrose

30) Dolph Ziggler

Crowd is livid over Ziggler’s elimination, oh dear.

Big Slow and Kane vs. Dean and Roman. The crowd is furious over Dean’s elimination, to no one’s surprise. As Kane and Big Show bicker with one another, a bloody Roman eliminates both of them. The crowd is screaming for Rusev, booing Roman, and taking far too much pleasure into the fact that a sour Big Slow and Kane re-enter the ring to beat Roman down.

Sore losers, really.

The Rock enters to save his cousin. Rusev who was never eliminated goes back into the ring only for Roman to eliminate him for good. Roman is main eventing Wrestlemania so it will be Roman vs. Brock.

The Authority enters and glares at the family duo, but The Rock and Roman could care less, and instead bask in Roman’s win.

Okay….now it’s rant time.

Personally, I feel that it’s rather childish to boo every single contender that enters the ring after Bryan’s elimination. For an entire year the build-up has been for Roman to win–hence the outcome of last year’s Rumble. When Roman didn’t win last year the fans were livid, but now that he wins this year they’re still livid?

Daniel Bryan can’t main event every single year. For one, it’s boring, two it’s unfair, three, do you want another John Cena? Bryan is just returning from a major injury, he cannot immediately jump back into what he was once able to do, it simply can’t happen.

The point is for younger talent to get their chances to shine, isn’t that what people are always crying about and begging to happen? Yet when it actually occurs no one is happy because their superstar Daniel Bryan didn’t win. Up until Bryan’s elimination the crowd was great. They were responsive, contributed well, but after the elimination they turned completely sour.

I just thought it was childish. But hey, congratulations to Roman Reigns! Take the win in stride and prepare for Wrestlemania.

Besides, perhaps creative has something wonderful planned for the future? A SHIELD triple-threat match? Seth cashing in on Roman?

The possibilities are endless! Don’t be sour…..just uh, attempt to hope for the best.

Summarizing Smackdown

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Smackdown is boring these days. Nothing happens except basic filler content to keep us somewhat satisfied until Monday. Gone are the days of storylines and action. Smackdown may have been moved back to Thursday, but more will need to be done to get it back into shape than just changing the day it’s aired. Perhaps that should have been considered as one of WWE’s resolutions for 2015.

Well, now that the bitter monologue has already been stated, let’s begin shall we?

The evening starts with Daniel Bryan welcoming back the newly re-hired wrestlers three; Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler.

Someone, for the love of all that is holy, get Dolph and Seth to a beautician to take care of those roots as soon as inhumanly possible.

Ryback thanks people, awkward Rowan talks about being Bray’s puppet, and Dolph mocks the fitness DVD’s of Stephanie and Hunter that he viewed while eating stuffed crust pizza. Now while Stephanie and Hunter are not in attendance, their disgruntled family members are there to defend their tapes.

Enter Uncle Kane, and Big Show along with his wife and kids Seth Rollins and J&J security. Seth is just not pleased that the itty bitty garden gnome is back. He’s especially not pleased that mommy and daddy’s DVD’s were insulted! Kane in the meantime is the jilted ex-lover of Daniel who just wants to have another match with him later on that evening. All the while Big Show is simply trying to get attention for himself.

Really, that guy needs a good storyline or something to do because it is painful listening to the cry baby whine non stop.

All of that aside, the newly re-hired group, plus Daniel all must go through matches tonight in order to obtain spots in the Royal Rumble this coming Sunday.

(Fun fact: To the individual wielding an ‘Accio Roman Reigns’ signs, you are my hero).

Bad News Barrett vs Dolph Ziggler

Dolph wins the match after interrupting the bull hammer and delivering a mean ‘zig zag’ before pinning the English Bad News Bear.

Dolph is in the rumble.

Promo: Roman Reigns and Renee Young

While he did call Big Slow a tiny insecure man in a giant’s body (true) I just…I can’t tolerate his promos. The man either needs to stick with one liners and punching people in the mouth, or….no, that’s exactly what he should do. He may look like the Rock, but creative must understand that he is not the same man and cannot delivery the same type of comedy said Superstar can do.

Promo: Dean you sneaky devil.

While Fandango and Rosa are engaged in what seems to be the beginnings of a soft core porno, Dean sneaks in and steals Fandango’s entry number for the rumble.

Well played.

Ryback vs. Rusev

During this match Rusev decided it was appropriate to throw a tantrum so massive that Mother Russia would be weeping with joy. That did not save him, however, as he lost the match by count out. Since he lost he found it appropriate to continue his earlier fit and assault Ryback after losing.

Ryback won, therefore he is in the rumble.

Naomi vs. Brie Bella

Paige and Natalya joined the crew on commentary. As a result the match that was actually happening wasn’t discussed, they were far too busy entertaining their two guest commentators.

Brie Bella wins the match.

Promo: Luke Harper loves eyes.

Don’t blink everybody, Luke is ready for the rumble! He’s got monsters….and eyes on his side.

Scary stuff man.

Promo: Goldust and Stardust pick their numbers.

Can we please have more of them? They’re hysterical.

Luke Harper vs. Erick Rowan

In a match of body odor versus brains, Luke takes the win.

Erick Rowan will not be in the rumble.

Promo: Kane needs help.

Good ol’ Uncle Kane actually asks to Seth to borrow J&J security to make sure that he defeats Daniel Bryan that evening.

Kane asking for help…excuse me, I need to repress this.

Promo: Miz and Mizdow bicker.

The Miz is not at all happy with Mizdow imitating X-Pac, or that the crowd shows far more adoration for the stunt double. With the seeds of distrust and anger already planted, the Usos swoop in and basically encourage Mizdow to turn on Miz at the rumble.

All I can say is: yes please!

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane

No Disqualification

What a match. Despite interference by J&J security, Daniel Bryan takes the win and proceeds up the ramp to leave.

…Unfortunately for him Big Slow is out and decides to attack him from behind. He kicks him all the way down the ramp, then throws him into the ring so Daniel can take his lumps in the form of a 4 on 1 beat down.

Then the storm hits, where every single member of the locker room runs out and proceeds to duke it out in the middle of the ring as a sort of sneak peak for the rumble.

However two people in particular get their own entrances into this skirmish. Dean Ambrose is the first, then Roman Reigns is the second. At the end of the brawl these two are just some of the few that are still left standing in the ring.

Is this foreshadowing who the likely top competitors are for the rumble? Will Dean and Roman be the final two entrants? Are we getting a glimpse of just who it will come down to and the sort of behavior we can expect to see? After all, last year Roman broke a record, Dean has no sense of self-preservation and will fight until he literally can’t move anymore…

Oh, I don’t know if this was foreshadowing or just a teaser of what fans want but won’t obtain. I do know that I can’t wait to see what happens Sunday.

Raw: Night of Legends and Surprises Galore!

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If you asked someone what exactly happened during Monday Night Raw…you would probably hear what is the equivalent of someone’s speech being fast forwarded. So much happened in one evening that made it one of the more enjoyable episodes of Raw for the last few months. Does this make up for the trail of disappointment behind it and the Cena lavishing every night?

Not at all, but it did put a dent in that long apology that the WWE universe needs.

Surprising everyone in attendance both at home and live that evening was the fact that Raw started out with the entrance of Brock Lesnar. Quite frankly I’m surprised he’s even there. The beast is visibly livid over the actions of one Seth Rollins, and his anger shows by how he interrupts Paul and calls out Seth.

“When I show up it’s business time baby.”

Well, I should hope so considering you rarely show up to begin with.

Instead of Seth appearing, his daddy Triple H steps in and he looks less than amused with Brock. Now it’s time for Seth’s daddy to soothe the savage beast….except Brock challenges Hunter in his place.

…Cue mommy Stephanie with the rest of the posse (minus Seth) to step in and keep her husband safe.

Not one to be forgotten, Seth joins the family reunion via the jumbotron and says ‘be patient caveman’. Which is funny if you remember how Seth wanted to cash in his Money in the Bank contract on last Thursday’s smackdown. I suppose he’s cooled down a bit.

Paul Heyman on the other hand has not cooled down. He still remembers being interrupted and intimidated by Mr. Rollins, and tells him that the discussion is between the adults. Oh, and that’s right before he tells Hunter and Stephanie to keep their puppy on a leash.

So Seth is now a puppy, and their child, beautiful.

Entering now is John Cena, the annoying kid who needs everyone’s attention. Let us all admire how he is wearing all of his new apparel except for his spinning pendant (all available on the WWE shop!) Naturally Cena does what he does best, he cries and whines about what he did getting the wrestlers that few have missed fired. He swears he’s going to be a champion, all that jazz, same old speech.

Bless Stephanie McMahon who puts John in his place and basically says that he isn’t a hero anymore and he’s not the man he used to be. Seth tries to join in with his mom and add to the fun but fumbles over his wording, which leads to John making fun of him. You tried Seth, you really did. I’m sure mommy is still proud of you.

We now come to what will be our main event for the night. Hunter says that John has a match and if he wins then the wrestlers three will have their jobs back. If not, then he will lose his chance to be a part of the triple threat match at the Royal Rumble.

And all of this will be decided by you, the WWE Universe! YAY.

Meh, moving on.

Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt

During this match we have Kane watching near the commentators, because he is for some reason a jilted ex partner of Daniel and needs to watch. During the match Bray focuses on the neck where Daniel had surgery. A wise tactic, dirty but wise.

I’d like to point out that about midway during this match Bray screams ‘I am a god!’ and it was beautiful.

Kane assists Bray and this gives him the win. After Bray’s lovely victory, Kane feels the need to choke slam and beat Daniel just to rub salt into the wound.

(This has nothing to do with the match but someone was holding a sign that read ‘Cena watches the Bachelor’. Whoever you are, you are a hero.

Oh, and before the commercial break while talking about the Legends appearing for the day, JBL referred to Shawn Michaels as HB Shizzle. Alright then.)

Promo: KLIQ

YES!

No, wait, sorry, Daniel Bryan is not in this promo.

You know who is? Triple H, Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels, and X-Pac!….and X-Pacdow? Mizpac? Do we drop the ‘Miz’ part completely from his name? How do we do this?

While the Kliq is laughing and having a good time (how could you not with HBK calling HHH Vince Jr?), one Damien Mizdow makes an appearance with a killer X-Pac impression.

Would the real X-Pac please enter and test out San-Pac’s abilities of imitation just to hire him?

He does so, and is just about to hire him! Unfortunately Mizdow is picked up by The Miz. Apparently the man isn’t allowed to moonlight as other superstars, that poor thing.

Royal Rumble Legends Panel:

Featuring: Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Shawn Michaels.

Their answers on John Cena’s poll and whether or not he should fight:

Shawn: Yes      Flair: No     Hulk: Yes

Their picks to win the Royal Rumble:

Shawn: Bray Wyatt   Flair: Dean Ambrose  Hulk: Daniel Bryan

Angry with their choices for the rumble, the giant cry baby Big Slow  Show enters and manages to date himself by referencing the WCW. Damn, a little old to be bickering with the legends, don’t you think? During his cry fest or threatening speech, however you like to take it, Shawn hides behind the Hulk. In the mean time Ric simply bounces against the ropes, completely bored with anything Big Show has to say.

After Ric asks “are you done?” He decides to attack the Big Show. While we appreciate the enthusiasm, please, never do that again. The man will sit on you and turn your bones into dust. While Big Show didn’t actually do that, he still managed to knock him out, only for Roman Reigns to join in and save the day.

What’s amusing is that Big Show swore that no one would get him over the top rope, and what happens? Roman not only asks if Ric is okay before attacking the giant, he throws said man over the top rope, then checks on the legends to make sure everyone is fine.

What a charming man.

Promo: Renee and John

Poll results: 85% vote yes to risk the championship! Either people really, really want John to miss out on this opportunity or they really want the wrestlers three to return.

Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose

During this match Dean does hurt his knee, so he is still working with his ‘knee injury’. However when it seems like Dean would lose yet another match, he manages to hit Barrett with dirty deeds for the win.

New Day (Kofi and Big E) vs. Tyson and Cesaro (joined by Adam Rose)

During this tag team match Tyson and Cesaro debut a new move. I think it was called the block buster but quite frankly I haven’t the slightest clue. It was quite the powerful move though. To see it please refer to tumblr or the WWE Network for only 9.99.

New, exciting moves aside, Kofi manages to take the win when Cesaro accidentally hits Tyson on the apron as he’s carrying Kofi. Actually he manages to hit Tyson with Kofi, but I’m sure Tyson can understand it was all just one big misunderstanding.

NWO Enters the Ring

Kevin Nash beautifully plugs the WWE Network,yes Hunter, you are welcome indeed.

Interrupting this dream team reunion is the Ascension with a weak threat that has far too many rhymes to be deemed at all intimidating. It shows how comical it is with how beside themselves with amusement each member of NWO looks. Really, they missed a beautiful opportunity to say ‘A couple of old dogs dying to be put down’.

Then the brawl starts.

Which leads to JBL getting involved! He himself calls out the Ascension, but made sure to invite a friend. Ripping off his shirt Superman style, he reveals his APA shirt and the entrance of Ron Simmons to join in on the fun!

But what’s a legends reunion with out the New Age Outlaws?

Now with everyone happy together, these three groups attack and utterly destroy the Ascension.

Well, you tried boys, you tried.

Promo: John and Renee

Some more of his self-righteousness and saying he will win the match and get everyone their jobs back because he is the champion.

Promo: Stephanie and Hunter

This lovely and charming power couple reveals who John will be fighting for the main event! All the while they have a drummer who is apparently so awful that he’ll never work in the business again. Together they reveal his opponents will be: Big Show, Kane, and Seth Rollins making it a 3 on 1 handicap match.

Big surprise there, right?

Paige and Natalya vs. Summer Rae and Alicia Fox

Bellas are on commentary this evening saying how Paige and Natalya will not defeat them this coming Sunday. Which is funny considering the match ends with Paige getting Alicia to tap out.

Be afraid, Bellas.

Rusev vs. R Truth

I’m inclined to believe that because they said it was R Truth’s birthday that it’s the reason why he’s out in the ring tonight. Basically it’s a fun way to remind everyone he’s still alive.

Rusev wins by submission, and the Russians are all smiles.

Promo: Brock and Seth

Poor Seth, traveling backstage with his helpful gnomes beside him, not a care in the world! Up until Brock cuts him off. White bread Mike Tyson wants him to take out Cena during the Main Event so he can have Seth all to himself. Well, someone is selfish aren’t they?

All the while Seth looks every bit the petrified puppy we all would be if Brock Lesnar was intimidating us.

Jey Uso vs. The Miz

Yeah, we’re still on this. For some reason.

Jey takes the win!

Promo: Hulk on Cena’s chances.

“It can only get better brother”

I have no idea if he said brother, but he always says brother.

Stop saying brother…or stop appearing so frequently to the point where I find brother annoying.

Big Show, Kane, Seth Rollins vs. John Cena

Seth begins the match, only to immediately tag in the Big Show. When he later participates in the match he has two moments which are reminiscent of two superstars. His set up to kick Cena is reminiscent of HBK. Later when he’s setting up a curb stomp he’s showing Edge-like characteristics.

(There was a moment during this match where John Cena was just….he just wanted Seth all to himself. In his mouth.)

Just when it seems like The Authority will win against Super Cena we get a surprise entrance from Sting himself! This distraction allows John Cena to take the win, and that leaves Triple H to be absolutely livid and throw a tantrum.

While the Crowd is cheering for Sting and Hytner wants to call this man out, Brock Lesnar comes out instead. The enraged beast goes straight for Seth Rollins, because he didn’t take care of John Cena. After a bit of a beating Seth manages to escape with his security team.

In conclusion: I have no idea what will happen, but I do think Brock intends to devour Seth (in the least sexual way possible of course) and use his bones as toothpicks.

Daniel Bryan Returns!

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I don’t know if you know this….but it’s Thursday.

Which is Smackdown night once more!  To celebrate the return of sweaty, fit people beating each other on Thursdays we are graced with a new intro. Which….okay, it’s new, that’s about all there is to say in regards to it.

Immediately as Smackdown starts the viewers are graced with Daniel Bryan’s presence, and this time he’s in ring gear and ready for a fight. After a lovely trip down memory lane of Kane’s brutal betrayal, Daniel swears he can beat him.

Hmmm….a man he considered a brother and was a former tag team champion with but was ultimately betrayed… Starting to get some Shield flashbacks here.

Escorting Kane to the ring is none other than the Authority–minus of course mommy dearest and disgruntled and disowned big brother Randy Orton. Hmmm, Kane being escorted to the ring by the Authority. Sounds like a particular group is going to gang up on the man. Well, whatever may happen, this leads us to our first match.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane

After a lot of back and forth between the former tag team champions, Daniel manages to get Kane into the ‘Yes’ lock. Unfortunately for Daniel the authority refuses to let their reformed demon lose. Kane’s entourage attacks which leads to a disqualification on his part giving Daniel the win.

As Daniel is retreating from the attack by going up the ramp with the Authority in hot pursuit, we see two men come out and flank him on either side. The first to step out is Dean Ambrose, absolutely ready for a fight. The second man is Roman Reigns, and now that Daniel has backup the Authority refuses to fight them…

Until later that night in a six man tag-team match.

I must say, Daniel standing up there with Roman and Dean offering help reminds me so much of the Shield days. Ah, how bittersweet and painful.

Excuse me I’ll be in my corner crying and reminiscing.

Promo: Bray Wyatt

Yeah we haven’t seen much of the crazy swamp thing but I kid you not, his hair was smoking. No, really, every time he moved smoke just billowed from his hair.

There is something living in Bray’s hair, and it likes to smoke.

After repeating (once more) that he will win the rumble, he reminds everyone to follow the buzzards. I suppose that’s less corny than ‘follow your heart’.

The Usos and Naomi vs Miz, Mizdow, and Alicia Fox

Once again we see Miz tag Mizdow!

…Only for Alicia Fox to tag herself in seconds later. Way to ruin a good thing.

Miz wins the match for the team after Alicia interferes. This leads to an entire shit show of distractions for the Usos. Although, Jimmy did pull off a very cool move where he launched Naomi into the air to get to Alicia behind him.

Job well done!

Promo: Renee and Roman

Whoever is writing Roman’s promos….please, for the love of all that is at least somewhat sacred, stop it. Let the man speak on his own. It’s awkward and forced and while yes, he did point out that Big Show is a giant cry baby and that is completely true…it’s just awkward! It physically pains me to watch.

The man has natural sass and charisma, let him put it to good use.

Paul Heyman Bitch Fit:

Let it be known that Paul Heyman does not like for his clients such as the Beast, Brock Lesnar, to be curb stomped. So to show how angry he is he has a complete fit in the ring, stating that at first all Brock did was conquer simply for the fact that he could.

However, Seth made the mistake of bringing this to a personal level. Now at this point Seth does what he does best when it comes to Paul Heyman…he interrupted the man.

Then he too had an absolute fit and wanted to cash in right at that very moment. Luckily for him (because let’s face it, what a dumb, spontaneous move that was) Brock was not in the building.

Now Seth, being a great and charismatic heel does what any good heel would do.

“If I can’t curb stomp Brock Lesnar I’m going to curb stomp you.”

Paul would say this is stupid. I can’t blame him, what good is that? You’re just creating more issues with the man who’s called a beast. However Seth explains why it’s a smart decision. Brock is all muscle but Paul is the brains of the operation. Paul is Brock’s greatest asset and by taking him out–well he basically ruins Brock.

Well said, you evil genius.

Fortunately for Paul he manages to talk himself out of getting his head curb stomped. Although I am quite curious to see how that would have gone.

Natalya vs. Nikki Bella

This was disappointing. Not for a lack of trying from the women but the crowd was absolutely dead, and that is a confidence breaker. Or at least just makes the crowd very dreary and depressing, I don’t know I’m not a wrestler.

But towards the end of the match while the referee is distracted by Brie trying to cause a disturbance, Paige slaps Nikki. This allows Natalya to get Nikki into the sharpshooter and take the win.

Promo: Renee and Big Show

The massive cry baby swears he will knock out every single person in the royal rumble. His tag team partner for the evening Kane joins in, and uh….well, he’s not too happy either.

I wish there was more to say but lately Big Show has just been boring to listen to.

Sin Cara vs. Bad News Barrett

Intercontinental Title

While Sin Cara displays a great feat of strength by lifting up Barrett, a bull hammer elbow secured Barrett the win.

Promo: Dean Ambrose

Now it’s his turn to say he’s going to win the royal rumble because…he has no regard for self-preservation and will put everything out on the line.

Here’s the difference between Dean and Roman’s promos. Dean’s promos flow so easily and they suit his personality perfectly. The freedom that Dean has to speak, giving his little stories and background information before coming across his point, it works for him.

Not everyone needs a script, think about it!

Dean, Roman, and Daniel vs. Seth, Kane, Big Show

Dean Ambrose really has not had any luck this week with his left leg. The man has been getting absolutely decimated and attacked over that limb. He also took quite the brutal beating. The match itself was chaotic–which is promising when Seth, Dean, and Roman are all in the ring together. Now with Daniel Bryan in the mix it’s just bound to be a good time. Bodies were flying in and out of the ring in all directions.

As Kane is about to get the pin on Daniel, Roman barrels through and tackles him before diving out of the ring and fighting with the Big Show while Dean takes care of Seth and security. Daniel manages to pick up the win for the team.

Yet no celebration is quite a celebration until Triple H makes his appearance. Since he is a bitter, sore loser, Triple H makes it known that on next week’s Smackdown Daniel will have a rematch with Kane.

Oh, and if he loses he isn’t going to the Royal Rumble.

Well that’s certainly lovely.

Whether or not I’m over thinking this and completely imagining it I don’t know, but there’s a lot of very reminiscent Shield movements happening. It could be because the three of them are finally reunited in (or around) the ring once more. Perhaps it’s the hopeful part of me wanting more drama within this story line. The way they move about the exterior of ring when one is tossed out is so reminiscent of the Shield days where the two would watch over the one.

Hell, Seth even tells Dean “You got a lot of guts and you got no brains”. Aw, how heart breaking, it’s like when they broke up and were first fighting, charming.

Personally, I feel like it could be leading to something bigger between the three of them.Then again, I’m quite the hopeful, naive viewer.

Raw: Hustle, Loyalty, and Broken Promises

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Welcome to Monday Night Raw! Where John Cena opens the show, crying about something having to do with bringing back the Authority. Shocking, I know, he’s still upset! Honestly I feel like the man had a few drinks before entering the ring because it seemed like he forgot how to speak. Every ‘s’ sound was actually a ‘sh’ sound. Meaning he said something like “shochiopath” at one point.

Oh, and he also whines and cries about becoming champion again–as if he really needs to become champion to boost his career. The billboard has reached the height of its career, let’s put some younger superstars over now, okay?

You have to hand it to John, he does try very, very hard to attempt to win over the revolting crowds. He knows he isn’t as well-loved as he used to be in his prime. He’s over exposed and he knows this. So…he does things that other people have done. Now it was pointed out to me that this storyline is extremely similar to one with CM Punk a few years ago. Whether that’s Cena’s actions or the writer’s I don’t know….but well done.

(That was sarcasm)

Later he will dive off of the top turnbuckle in a lumberjack match very similarly to Dean Ambrose. Previously he’ll just say ‘Ambrose’ to get the crowd to cheer and make himself feel better. But for now? For now he attempts at starting a trending topic.

#AuthoritySucks

It should have been: #GoHomeCena. Thankfully when the Authority enters, Stephanie makes it a point to tease him for this.

With their entrance Hunter decides to give Cena a chance to be the hero once again. Hunter gives him a one on one lumberjack match. If he wins this match, Erick Rowan, Dolph Ziggler, and Ryback will get their jobs back. If not….? Well, John will undoubtedly mope even more.

Seth Rollins vs. John Cena

Lumberjack Match

Seth Rollins is absolutely giddy during this match. Whether that’s because the lumberjacks are basically every heel in the locker room or because he’s just ecstatic mommy and daddy are back I’ll never know. While Seth is over the moon with glee, the heels all make sure Seth is okay when he is thrown out of the ring. In contrast they make sure to deliver a vicious beating to John Cena once he is out.

Though it wasn’t a clean finish, Seth wins the match leaving three individuals without a job….still.

Oh, and that also means we will need to deal with a moping John Cena. Damn it.

Promo: The Usos, Stephanie, Dean Ambrose.

Always be wary of a woman scorned. As a result of the Usos commenting on the firings of three of their coworkers, Stephanie assures them that they won’t be punished. Instead, Naomi will be punished for their actions and will be forced to fight in her match with one arm tied behind her back.

Literally….belted behind her back. What a cruel world.

As for Dean, he has been deemed a threat to others (can’t imagine why) and must go through a psych evaluation! Which, if he doesn’t pass that he won’t be in the Royal Rumble.

Something tells me that even if Dean doesn’t pass he would simply show up at the Royal Rumble anyway.

Promo: Miz with Mizdow attempting to get some points with George Clooney.

You are never going to get a Golden Globe. Stop it.

Promo: Dean and the Psychologist

Fun fact: Dean and ticking clocks make him go a little crazy.

New Day (Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods) vs. Tyson and Cesaro

New Day wins with a high flying double team maneuver, leaving Tyson and Cesaro to be, well, a little bitter at least.

Michael Cole: He explains that later there will be a formal announcement for the newest Hall of Famer, “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Well, it’s not really a surprise or anything now that you’ve technically gone ahead and ‘informally’ announced it.

Sure sounded like a formal announcement to me considering this lasted over 10 seconds.

Big Show Cries

Not literally, but he does proceed to say how he is a giant and everything came easily to him. He gets the ‘boring’ and ‘Big Show sucks’ chants before he begins to taunt Roman Reigns and calls him a loser.

Naturally Roman has to make an entrance and defend himself. Before he even gets into the ring Big Show retreats out of fear. Roman starts off by mocking the large age difference between the two of them.

Now when Roman is on the microphone he starts out quite strong. But then he’s forced to implement the script he’s being given and it ends weakly. His delivery is strong but the words, not so much. Had they allowed him more freedom while he’s on the mic perhaps we’d have a better threat to listen to. The man is naturally sassy and dorky it seems, allow him to work that in himself instead of forcing him to plug awkward ‘stories’ that just don’t work.

Well, this lovely clashing duo leads us into the next match.

Luke Harper vs. Roman Reigns

(The Big Show apparently likes to watch….take that how you will.)

Roman Reigns wins the match with a spear. Bitter Big Show attacks Roman afterwards because he’s…well, bitter.

In the wise words of Chris Tucker and this pivotal scene from Friday: “You got knocked the fuck out!”

Promo: Miz and Mizdow

Mizdow has a new project to be released in theaters! Six months worth of hidden cameras in the Miz’s home documenting his every single moment.

It shall be called “Manhood”.

Naomi vs. Alicia Fox

While Naomi was forced to fight with only one arm, she did start out strong. However that wasn’t enough to take the win. In this match Alicia Fox is the winner.

Promo: Dean and the Psych evaluation!

Here we have image association which is absolutely hysterical. We see the likes of Triple H, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns and others…but no comedic segment could be complete without calling Stephanie McMahon a ho.

Promo: Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman

Heyman has to speak for the white bread Mike Tyson. They made the horrible, gut-wrenching move of reminding everyone how Brock, the beast, broke the Undertaker’s streak.

Well you two gentlemen can enjoy that. The rest of us will pretend that never happened and Taker can never be defeated.

Jey Uso vs. The Miz

The Miz wins!…I thought we were done with this?

Daniel Bryan

After an amazingly strong crowd reaction (who knows maybe he’ll command the crowd the way the Rock does), he speaks of his intentions. He makes it clear that he will win the Royal Rumble and main event Wrestlemania…until he’s interrupted by Stephanie McMahon.

At least she offers him her latest workout DVD to help him prepare…. Really though, gotta love the shameless plugs.

After verbally degrading him, she informs him he will not be waiting until the rumble to fight. Instead, he’ll be fighting Thursday on Smackdown…against Kane. When Kane enters Daniel wastes no time in attacking the ‘reformed’ monster. In fact, Daniel attacks him so much so that several referees must pry him away from his former tag-team partner.

Good to know he’s still got it!

Promo: Brock intimidates Seth Rollins.

In all fairness, I would be a little nervous if this massive beast was inches way from my face as well. Brock is intimidating Seth but what’s interesting is when Paul interrupts them and makes a point of stating how it was remarkable that Seth beat John Cena.

Actually, it’s not remarkable. No one can ever pin Cena (not fairly at least) so that forces Seth to get help in the form of other heels distracting or knocking his opponents out for him. There’s nothing remarkable about this at all. If Seth did it all by himself it would be something to talk about, but cheating? No, there’s nothing special about that.

Paige vs Brie Bella

Brie Bella wins!

After Tyson gets up on the apron as a bit of a distraction. Thankfully Paige does what every person (especially Natalya) has wanted to do.

She slapped that man into a new state.

Promo: In case you forgot about him, Bray would like to point out that he will win the rumble and that you should run.

Hall of Fame Promo: “Formal” announcement of Macho Man’s induction, thank you very much

Ascension vs. Jobbers

Do I really need to say who won?

Ascension did, which is a shame. This is doing absolutely nothing for them. I was more excited to see their commercials than I was to actually see them fight after their first two matches.

Book better matches for these two! Geez.

Promo: Dean is…the therapist?

As a showing of just how much of a mad genius Dean is, we see him having switched places with the good doctor. We even hear him make a nice, subtle masturbation joke after he says “and about the adolescent stuff, don’t worry you won’t go blind.”

Am I a pervert for picking up on that? Whoops.

Rusev and Lana

Oh the Russian dream team is all too happy, thanking the Authority for firing Ryback and John Cena for losing.

Unfortunately the good times are cut short when an approved Dean Ambrose steps out and attacks Rusev. This becomes an official match, but is stopped by the referee due to Dean’s injured leg even though he wanted to continue fighting.

So, in a show of good sportsmanship, Rusev kicks Dean after the match is over.

Charming, really.

Contract Signing for the Triple Threat Match

Once everyone is settled in the ring, Paul praises Seth who makes the unfortunate mistake of interrupting the man during his speech. Seth gets to show his improved mic skills and how good of a heel he is by retaliating against the esteemed manager, teasing that Brock is afraid of a triple threat match. He even gets to use Paul’s line against him “I wasn’t finished yet”.

Nicely done, Rollins.

Brock takes the mic and we all once again remember how similar he is to Mike Tyson. Then John who always needs to have the last word says he and Brock will team up against Seth before he beats Brock.

Naturally Seth attacks John and Brock, delivering devastating curb stomps to both of these men.

Seth made a point of mentioning three strikes against Cena. One having been bringing the Authority back with his hostage tactics, the second being the first match of the evening, and the third for the future pay-per-view. At the end of this contract signing Seth did two curb stomps.

If we look at the rule of ‘everything happens in threes’, could we be seeing some foreshadowing? Perhaps Seth Rollins will deliver a third, final curb stomp at the pay-per-view which will lead to him being the newest champion?

I haven’t the slightest clue, but we’ll find out eventually.