Welcome to 2015! To start the new year we have a brand new introduction, great! New introductions are always nice, sadly they don’t make up for the following program which is lacking in…well…actually being entertaining. While these days it may be hard to live up to last week’s Edge and Christian spectacular with a very villainous Seth Rollins, at least try to live up to it! This evening on Monday Night Raw we have the entire roster all gathered together in the ring for a very special talk from the Authority.
However instead of the Authority starting off the night everyone is subjected to riding the John Cena pity train. Basically, he’s just so ashamed and miserable he couldn’t be Superman and save everyone. John, be a big boy and get over it.
Enter Stephanie and Triple H who claim they owe their return to Seth Rollins. Now Seth is introduced and he strongly resembles a toddler on Christmas morning. The expression on his face as he hugs mommy McMahon is absolutely priceless. To reward their favorite son for such good behavior, Triple H makes the title match between Cena and Lesnar into a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH.
That means it’ll be John Cena vs. Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar for the World Heavyweight Championship at the Royal Rumble.
After an amazing heel performance we saw last week from him, well, it’s understandable that Seth would be thrown into the match. Plus John’s absolutely devastated face is rather enjoyable.
Stephanie declared the evening to be John Cena Appreciation night, which really means nothing since every night people are forced to appreciate the walking billboard. Then Hunter makes sure to announce that it’s an all new era for the Authority, and everyone will get what they deserve. Well that’s not ominous or anything.
(No Jerry Lawler on commentary tonight, instead we have Booker T….but I can hardly understand what he’s saying half the time).
Wade Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler
The first match of the night is a title match for the Intercontinental Championship. At first, and what feels to be rather quickly, Dolph gets the win over Barrett.
I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news….if you’re a fan of Dolph Ziggler.
Naturally Barrett is not amused by this at all and continues to brutally beat Dolph even though the match is over. After quite some time has passed Kane appears, seemingly having forgot that the match is two out of three falls. Towards the end of the match Barrett pins a distracted Dolph a second time for the win.
(Dolph and Seth need to dye their roots, their hairstyles are tragic. Fix the blonde!)
Ascension vs. Two Nameless Jobbers
The Ascension wins nearly instantly…but how is this boosting their career? Pitting them against nameless jobbers is just oh so impressive.
Roman Reigns vs. Big Show
The massive crybaby hits Roman with the steel stairs, resulting in a disqualification allowing Roman to take the win. Honestly, Big Show just wants to destroy the Samoan Superman, so after getting him back in the ring he attempts to crush him with the stairs. Roman spears the big man, knocking him to the ground and causing the stairs to fall right over his head.
Yeah, nicely done Big Slow.
Nikki vs. Natalya
Oh, Natalya is definitely not happy with Tyson. Instead of walking out with her husband no one escorts her to the ring…but Paige does join her later. Natalya wins the match while outside the ring Paige and Brie go at it.
Upset over her loss, Nikki begins to attack Natalya only for Paige to jump in and kick Nikki into another world. Maybe the real winner of this match is the charming and wonderful Paige!
Erick Rowan vs. Luke Harper
J and J security as referee’s so…this can’t be good. At all. During this match when Rowan has Harper pinned, the referee’s suddenly can’t seem to be able to count. Yet when Harper has him pinned they count to three nearly instantly.
But of course…no one this evening can seem to settle for stopping when the bell rings. After Harper takes the win, he and the magical referee gnomes proceed to beat Rowan. How very charming.
Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt
I’ve been waiting for this! I’ve been ready for this feud to finally be over, thinking that Dean would take the win and finally silence the creepy swamp man. Dean even climbs on top of the ambulance and delivers an elbow drop on Bray who’s sprawled out on a table.
Unfortunately, after delivering Abigail’s Kiss right on concrete, Bray Wyatt wins the match against Dean Ambrose.
The Usos and Naomi vs. Miz, Mizdow, and Alicia Fox
Six Man Tag
Naomi and Fox start the match, and Naomi is absolutely livid in her attack due to Alicia attacking her earlier on in the day. Early on in the match the crowd makes it very clear that they want Mizdow. When the Miz finally tags him in, he tags him out seconds later. Well, at least for 5 seconds Mizdow was in the match.
Miz pins a distracted Jimmy for the win.
Ryback vs. Seth Rollins
Oh how convenient for Seth, Kane’s failing memory seems to have kicked in right on time. Before the match even starts he explains that it’s a handicap match, making it Seth and Kane vs. Ryback.
Of course, Kane and Seth take the win with Seth delivering a curb stomp to Ryback.
Big E Langston vs. Adam Rose
This was just odd…? Two rosebuds jump into the match and take out all three members of New Day giving Adam Rose the win. These two rogue-buds (see what I did there?) reveal themselves to be Tyson Kidd and Cesaro. Now that their job is complete they stay on stage and party it up with Rose and his lackeys.
That was just…disturbingly weird?
Main Event: Cena Appreciation!
Stephanie and Hunter are just hot messes in the ring today. Not being on the microphone clearly affected them. At one point Stephanie says ‘office’ instead of ‘audience’ and both of them are just complete and utter stumbling messes.
But after the whole fiasco of being unable to finish one sentence, Hunter brings out Ryback, Rowan and Dolph to join Cena. Oh what a coincidence, the members of team Cena are there! At first Hunter debates giving the members of team Cena a suspension without pay….but decides to fire them!
Then for two solid, agonizing minutes we’re forced to stare at a frowning, pouting John Cena who’s suffering immense guilt from getting the three of them fired. But hey, at least confetti and balloons are raining over the stadium, that’ll make up for it.