Welcome to Monday Night Raw! Where John Cena opens the show, crying about something having to do with bringing back the Authority. Shocking, I know, he’s still upset! Honestly I feel like the man had a few drinks before entering the ring because it seemed like he forgot how to speak. Every ‘s’ sound was actually a ‘sh’ sound. Meaning he said something like “shochiopath” at one point.
Oh, and he also whines and cries about becoming champion again–as if he really needs to become champion to boost his career. The billboard has reached the height of its career, let’s put some younger superstars over now, okay?
You have to hand it to John, he does try very, very hard to attempt to win over the revolting crowds. He knows he isn’t as well-loved as he used to be in his prime. He’s over exposed and he knows this. So…he does things that other people have done. Now it was pointed out to me that this storyline is extremely similar to one with CM Punk a few years ago. Whether that’s Cena’s actions or the writer’s I don’t know….but well done.
(That was sarcasm)
Later he will dive off of the top turnbuckle in a lumberjack match very similarly to Dean Ambrose. Previously he’ll just say ‘Ambrose’ to get the crowd to cheer and make himself feel better. But for now? For now he attempts at starting a trending topic.
It should have been: #GoHomeCena. Thankfully when the Authority enters, Stephanie makes it a point to tease him for this.
With their entrance Hunter decides to give Cena a chance to be the hero once again. Hunter gives him a one on one lumberjack match. If he wins this match, Erick Rowan, Dolph Ziggler, and Ryback will get their jobs back. If not….? Well, John will undoubtedly mope even more.
Seth Rollins vs. John Cena
Seth Rollins is absolutely giddy during this match. Whether that’s because the lumberjacks are basically every heel in the locker room or because he’s just ecstatic mommy and daddy are back I’ll never know. While Seth is over the moon with glee, the heels all make sure Seth is okay when he is thrown out of the ring. In contrast they make sure to deliver a vicious beating to John Cena once he is out.
Though it wasn’t a clean finish, Seth wins the match leaving three individuals without a job….still.
Oh, and that also means we will need to deal with a moping John Cena. Damn it.
Promo: The Usos, Stephanie, Dean Ambrose.
Always be wary of a woman scorned. As a result of the Usos commenting on the firings of three of their coworkers, Stephanie assures them that they won’t be punished. Instead, Naomi will be punished for their actions and will be forced to fight in her match with one arm tied behind her back.
Literally….belted behind her back. What a cruel world.
As for Dean, he has been deemed a threat to others (can’t imagine why) and must go through a psych evaluation! Which, if he doesn’t pass that he won’t be in the Royal Rumble.
Something tells me that even if Dean doesn’t pass he would simply show up at the Royal Rumble anyway.
Promo: Miz with Mizdow attempting to get some points with George Clooney.
You are never going to get a Golden Globe. Stop it.
Promo: Dean and the Psychologist
Fun fact: Dean and ticking clocks make him go a little crazy.
New Day (Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods) vs. Tyson and Cesaro
New Day wins with a high flying double team maneuver, leaving Tyson and Cesaro to be, well, a little bitter at least.
Michael Cole: He explains that later there will be a formal announcement for the newest Hall of Famer, “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Well, it’s not really a surprise or anything now that you’ve technically gone ahead and ‘informally’ announced it.
Sure sounded like a formal announcement to me considering this lasted over 10 seconds.
Big Show Cries
Not literally, but he does proceed to say how he is a giant and everything came easily to him. He gets the ‘boring’ and ‘Big Show sucks’ chants before he begins to taunt Roman Reigns and calls him a loser.
Naturally Roman has to make an entrance and defend himself. Before he even gets into the ring Big Show retreats out of fear. Roman starts off by mocking the large age difference between the two of them.
Now when Roman is on the microphone he starts out quite strong. But then he’s forced to implement the script he’s being given and it ends weakly. His delivery is strong but the words, not so much. Had they allowed him more freedom while he’s on the mic perhaps we’d have a better threat to listen to. The man is naturally sassy and dorky it seems, allow him to work that in himself instead of forcing him to plug awkward ‘stories’ that just don’t work.
Well, this lovely clashing duo leads us into the next match.
Luke Harper vs. Roman Reigns
(The Big Show apparently likes to watch….take that how you will.)
Roman Reigns wins the match with a spear. Bitter Big Show attacks Roman afterwards because he’s…well, bitter.
In the wise words of Chris Tucker and this pivotal scene from Friday: “You got knocked the fuck out!”
Promo: Miz and Mizdow
Mizdow has a new project to be released in theaters! Six months worth of hidden cameras in the Miz’s home documenting his every single moment.
It shall be called “Manhood”.
Naomi vs. Alicia Fox
While Naomi was forced to fight with only one arm, she did start out strong. However that wasn’t enough to take the win. In this match Alicia Fox is the winner.
Promo: Dean and the Psych evaluation!
Here we have image association which is absolutely hysterical. We see the likes of Triple H, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns and others…but no comedic segment could be complete without calling Stephanie McMahon a ho.
Promo: Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman
Heyman has to speak for the white bread Mike Tyson. They made the horrible, gut-wrenching move of reminding everyone how Brock, the beast, broke the Undertaker’s streak.
Well you two gentlemen can enjoy that. The rest of us will pretend that never happened and Taker can never be defeated.
Jey Uso vs. The Miz
The Miz wins!…I thought we were done with this?
After an amazingly strong crowd reaction (who knows maybe he’ll command the crowd the way the Rock does), he speaks of his intentions. He makes it clear that he will win the Royal Rumble and main event Wrestlemania…until he’s interrupted by Stephanie McMahon.
At least she offers him her latest workout DVD to help him prepare…. Really though, gotta love the shameless plugs.
After verbally degrading him, she informs him he will not be waiting until the rumble to fight. Instead, he’ll be fighting Thursday on Smackdown…against Kane. When Kane enters Daniel wastes no time in attacking the ‘reformed’ monster. In fact, Daniel attacks him so much so that several referees must pry him away from his former tag-team partner.
Good to know he’s still got it!
Promo: Brock intimidates Seth Rollins.
In all fairness, I would be a little nervous if this massive beast was inches way from my face as well. Brock is intimidating Seth but what’s interesting is when Paul interrupts them and makes a point of stating how it was remarkable that Seth beat John Cena.
Actually, it’s not remarkable. No one can ever pin Cena (not fairly at least) so that forces Seth to get help in the form of other heels distracting or knocking his opponents out for him. There’s nothing remarkable about this at all. If Seth did it all by himself it would be something to talk about, but cheating? No, there’s nothing special about that.
Paige vs Brie Bella
Brie Bella wins!
After Tyson gets up on the apron as a bit of a distraction. Thankfully Paige does what every person (especially Natalya) has wanted to do.
She slapped that man into a new state.
Promo: In case you forgot about him, Bray would like to point out that he will win the rumble and that you should run.
Hall of Fame Promo: “Formal” announcement of Macho Man’s induction, thank you very much
Ascension vs. Jobbers
Do I really need to say who won?
Ascension did, which is a shame. This is doing absolutely nothing for them. I was more excited to see their commercials than I was to actually see them fight after their first two matches.
Book better matches for these two! Geez.
Promo: Dean is…the therapist?
As a showing of just how much of a mad genius Dean is, we see him having switched places with the good doctor. We even hear him make a nice, subtle masturbation joke after he says “and about the adolescent stuff, don’t worry you won’t go blind.”
Am I a pervert for picking up on that? Whoops.
Rusev and Lana
Oh the Russian dream team is all too happy, thanking the Authority for firing Ryback and John Cena for losing.
Unfortunately the good times are cut short when an approved Dean Ambrose steps out and attacks Rusev. This becomes an official match, but is stopped by the referee due to Dean’s injured leg even though he wanted to continue fighting.
So, in a show of good sportsmanship, Rusev kicks Dean after the match is over.
Contract Signing for the Triple Threat Match
Once everyone is settled in the ring, Paul praises Seth who makes the unfortunate mistake of interrupting the man during his speech. Seth gets to show his improved mic skills and how good of a heel he is by retaliating against the esteemed manager, teasing that Brock is afraid of a triple threat match. He even gets to use Paul’s line against him “I wasn’t finished yet”.
Nicely done, Rollins.
Brock takes the mic and we all once again remember how similar he is to Mike Tyson. Then John who always needs to have the last word says he and Brock will team up against Seth before he beats Brock.
Naturally Seth attacks John and Brock, delivering devastating curb stomps to both of these men.
Seth made a point of mentioning three strikes against Cena. One having been bringing the Authority back with his hostage tactics, the second being the first match of the evening, and the third for the future pay-per-view. At the end of this contract signing Seth did two curb stomps.
If we look at the rule of ‘everything happens in threes’, could we be seeing some foreshadowing? Perhaps Seth Rollins will deliver a third, final curb stomp at the pay-per-view which will lead to him being the newest champion?
I haven’t the slightest clue, but we’ll find out eventually.