Raw: Night of Legends and Surprises Galore!

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If you asked someone what exactly happened during Monday Night Raw…you would probably hear what is the equivalent of someone’s speech being fast forwarded. So much happened in one evening that made it one of the more enjoyable episodes of Raw for the last few months. Does this make up for the trail of disappointment behind it and the Cena lavishing every night?

Not at all, but it did put a dent in that long apology that the WWE universe needs.

Surprising everyone in attendance both at home and live that evening was the fact that Raw started out with the entrance of Brock Lesnar. Quite frankly I’m surprised he’s even there. The beast is visibly livid over the actions of one Seth Rollins, and his anger shows by how he interrupts Paul and calls out Seth.

“When I show up it’s business time baby.”

Well, I should hope so considering you rarely show up to begin with.

Instead of Seth appearing, his daddy Triple H steps in and he looks less than amused with Brock. Now it’s time for Seth’s daddy to soothe the savage beast….except Brock challenges Hunter in his place.

…Cue mommy Stephanie with the rest of the posse (minus Seth) to step in and keep her husband safe.

Not one to be forgotten, Seth joins the family reunion via the jumbotron and says ‘be patient caveman’. Which is funny if you remember how Seth wanted to cash in his Money in the Bank contract on last Thursday’s smackdown. I suppose he’s cooled down a bit.

Paul Heyman on the other hand has not cooled down. He still remembers being interrupted and intimidated by Mr. Rollins, and tells him that the discussion is between the adults. Oh, and that’s right before he tells Hunter and Stephanie to keep their puppy on a leash.

So Seth is now a puppy, and their child, beautiful.

Entering now is John Cena, the annoying kid who needs everyone’s attention. Let us all admire how he is wearing all of his new apparel except for his spinning pendant (all available on the WWE shop!) Naturally Cena does what he does best, he cries and whines about what he did getting the wrestlers that few have missed fired. He swears he’s going to be a champion, all that jazz, same old speech.

Bless Stephanie McMahon who puts John in his place and basically says that he isn’t a hero anymore and he’s not the man he used to be. Seth tries to join in with his mom and add to the fun but fumbles over his wording, which leads to John making fun of him. You tried Seth, you really did. I’m sure mommy is still proud of you.

We now come to what will be our main event for the night. Hunter says that John has a match and if he wins then the wrestlers three will have their jobs back. If not, then he will lose his chance to be a part of the triple threat match at the Royal Rumble.

And all of this will be decided by you, the WWE Universe! YAY.

Meh, moving on.

Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt

During this match we have Kane watching near the commentators, because he is for some reason a jilted ex partner of Daniel and needs to watch. During the match Bray focuses on the neck where Daniel had surgery. A wise tactic, dirty but wise.

I’d like to point out that about midway during this match Bray screams ‘I am a god!’ and it was beautiful.

Kane assists Bray and this gives him the win. After Bray’s lovely victory, Kane feels the need to choke slam and beat Daniel just to rub salt into the wound.

(This has nothing to do with the match but someone was holding a sign that read ‘Cena watches the Bachelor’. Whoever you are, you are a hero.

Oh, and before the commercial break while talking about the Legends appearing for the day, JBL referred to Shawn Michaels as HB Shizzle. Alright then.)

Promo: KLIQ

YES!

No, wait, sorry, Daniel Bryan is not in this promo.

You know who is? Triple H, Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels, and X-Pac!….and X-Pacdow? Mizpac? Do we drop the ‘Miz’ part completely from his name? How do we do this?

While the Kliq is laughing and having a good time (how could you not with HBK calling HHH Vince Jr?), one Damien Mizdow makes an appearance with a killer X-Pac impression.

Would the real X-Pac please enter and test out San-Pac’s abilities of imitation just to hire him?

He does so, and is just about to hire him! Unfortunately Mizdow is picked up by The Miz. Apparently the man isn’t allowed to moonlight as other superstars, that poor thing.

Royal Rumble Legends Panel:

Featuring: Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Shawn Michaels.

Their answers on John Cena’s poll and whether or not he should fight:

Shawn: Yes      Flair: No     Hulk: Yes

Their picks to win the Royal Rumble:

Shawn: Bray Wyatt   Flair: Dean Ambrose  Hulk: Daniel Bryan

Angry with their choices for the rumble, the giant cry baby Big Slow  Show enters and manages to date himself by referencing the WCW. Damn, a little old to be bickering with the legends, don’t you think? During his cry fest or threatening speech, however you like to take it, Shawn hides behind the Hulk. In the mean time Ric simply bounces against the ropes, completely bored with anything Big Show has to say.

After Ric asks “are you done?” He decides to attack the Big Show. While we appreciate the enthusiasm, please, never do that again. The man will sit on you and turn your bones into dust. While Big Show didn’t actually do that, he still managed to knock him out, only for Roman Reigns to join in and save the day.

What’s amusing is that Big Show swore that no one would get him over the top rope, and what happens? Roman not only asks if Ric is okay before attacking the giant, he throws said man over the top rope, then checks on the legends to make sure everyone is fine.

What a charming man.

Promo: Renee and John

Poll results: 85% vote yes to risk the championship! Either people really, really want John to miss out on this opportunity or they really want the wrestlers three to return.

Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose

During this match Dean does hurt his knee, so he is still working with his ‘knee injury’. However when it seems like Dean would lose yet another match, he manages to hit Barrett with dirty deeds for the win.

New Day (Kofi and Big E) vs. Tyson and Cesaro (joined by Adam Rose)

During this tag team match Tyson and Cesaro debut a new move. I think it was called the block buster but quite frankly I haven’t the slightest clue. It was quite the powerful move though. To see it please refer to tumblr or the WWE Network for only 9.99.

New, exciting moves aside, Kofi manages to take the win when Cesaro accidentally hits Tyson on the apron as he’s carrying Kofi. Actually he manages to hit Tyson with Kofi, but I’m sure Tyson can understand it was all just one big misunderstanding.

NWO Enters the Ring

Kevin Nash beautifully plugs the WWE Network,yes Hunter, you are welcome indeed.

Interrupting this dream team reunion is the Ascension with a weak threat that has far too many rhymes to be deemed at all intimidating. It shows how comical it is with how beside themselves with amusement each member of NWO looks. Really, they missed a beautiful opportunity to say ‘A couple of old dogs dying to be put down’.

Then the brawl starts.

Which leads to JBL getting involved! He himself calls out the Ascension, but made sure to invite a friend. Ripping off his shirt Superman style, he reveals his APA shirt and the entrance of Ron Simmons to join in on the fun!

But what’s a legends reunion with out the New Age Outlaws?

Now with everyone happy together, these three groups attack and utterly destroy the Ascension.

Well, you tried boys, you tried.

Promo: John and Renee

Some more of his self-righteousness and saying he will win the match and get everyone their jobs back because he is the champion.

Promo: Stephanie and Hunter

This lovely and charming power couple reveals who John will be fighting for the main event! All the while they have a drummer who is apparently so awful that he’ll never work in the business again. Together they reveal his opponents will be: Big Show, Kane, and Seth Rollins making it a 3 on 1 handicap match.

Big surprise there, right?

Paige and Natalya vs. Summer Rae and Alicia Fox

Bellas are on commentary this evening saying how Paige and Natalya will not defeat them this coming Sunday. Which is funny considering the match ends with Paige getting Alicia to tap out.

Be afraid, Bellas.

Rusev vs. R Truth

I’m inclined to believe that because they said it was R Truth’s birthday that it’s the reason why he’s out in the ring tonight. Basically it’s a fun way to remind everyone he’s still alive.

Rusev wins by submission, and the Russians are all smiles.

Promo: Brock and Seth

Poor Seth, traveling backstage with his helpful gnomes beside him, not a care in the world! Up until Brock cuts him off. White bread Mike Tyson wants him to take out Cena during the Main Event so he can have Seth all to himself. Well, someone is selfish aren’t they?

All the while Seth looks every bit the petrified puppy we all would be if Brock Lesnar was intimidating us.

Jey Uso vs. The Miz

Yeah, we’re still on this. For some reason.

Jey takes the win!

Promo: Hulk on Cena’s chances.

“It can only get better brother”

I have no idea if he said brother, but he always says brother.

Stop saying brother…or stop appearing so frequently to the point where I find brother annoying.

Big Show, Kane, Seth Rollins vs. John Cena

Seth begins the match, only to immediately tag in the Big Show. When he later participates in the match he has two moments which are reminiscent of two superstars. His set up to kick Cena is reminiscent of HBK. Later when he’s setting up a curb stomp he’s showing Edge-like characteristics.

(There was a moment during this match where John Cena was just….he just wanted Seth all to himself. In his mouth.)

Just when it seems like The Authority will win against Super Cena we get a surprise entrance from Sting himself! This distraction allows John Cena to take the win, and that leaves Triple H to be absolutely livid and throw a tantrum.

While the Crowd is cheering for Sting and Hytner wants to call this man out, Brock Lesnar comes out instead. The enraged beast goes straight for Seth Rollins, because he didn’t take care of John Cena. After a bit of a beating Seth manages to escape with his security team.

In conclusion: I have no idea what will happen, but I do think Brock intends to devour Seth (in the least sexual way possible of course) and use his bones as toothpicks.

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