(There’s a beautiful “Snowbody Keeps Me from Raw” sign, well done, my hat tips to you sir or madame, or small human in the audience)
For this special edition of Smackdown, we are greeted to the evening by the entrance of Triple H. For the most part he deflects the controversy surrounding Sunday’s Royal Rumble. However he does manage to praise the triple threat match.
Seth Rollins proves he’s the future of the company, (Which is a hell of a thing to hear from HHH); Brock Lesnar proves he’s the beast, and John Cena proves he’s the past (well hot damn).
As to his deflection of the rumble itself, my takeaway was “WWE loves balls”. Or something like that….he really had a ball with that segment.
As he states that on Monday Night Raw he will make an announcement to fix the controversy, Roman Reigns enters the fray. Roman is not pleased by this, as seen by him stating that he won the rumble and that spot is his. Well, to test just how ready Roman is, he sends out the Big Slow.
Great, another match with these two. Just what I’ve been dying for.
Big Show vs Roman Reigns
During the battle Roman knocks Big Show over the top rope, forcing the giant to remember his elimination at the rumble. With an injured leg as a result of the whiny giant, Roman still manages to spear him and pin him for the win.
Honestly, I think Roman Reigns needs to go against faster, more agile components to better showcase his ability as opposed to Big Slow. Their matches are boring, but when he’s with someone quicker (say, Seth Rollins), it’s definitely more interesting.
Promo: Vince McMahon! Oh hot damn!
In summary, Vince tells us all to subscribe to the damn network because February is free. While the man is usually rather charismatic, he seemed incredibly stiff and forced. Wow, it’s almost like being forced to read some crappy script makes you seem worse at your delivery.
Hm, I wonder what popular superstar has this dilemma right now. Interesting.
Seth Rollins and his hobbits
Of course Seth needs to be the center of the ring and gloat over how well he did at the rumble. He then issues an open challenge to anyone in the building to attack, and three people predictably take him up on this challenge:
Ryback enters, then Erick Rowan enters to save Ryback, only for Dolph Ziggler to enter and attempt to save the both of them. As this blitzkrieg happens, Seth is able to flee but J&J are stuck with our favorite masked genius. Surprisingly Seth goes back and saves his two hobbits.
Turns out, Seth Rollins has a heart for those two little guys, aw!
Promo: Kane is disturbing.
He lovingly or sexually caresses the casket while poetically describing Daniel Bryan’s demise.
Jey Uso vs Tyson Kid
Jey is accompanied by Jimmy and Naomi while Tyson is accompanied by Cesaro and Natalya.
While Cesaro hops up on the apron, Jimmy makes sure to attack him for trying to interfere with the match. However that was enough to throw Jey off of his game as Tyson is able to pin Jey for the win.
Russian Temper Tantrum
Rusev and Lana enter the ring to show us filthy Americans how the Russians throw a proper temper tantrum! Rusev is bitter that he did not win the rumble (you, 28 other people, and most of the world are bitter about who won, buddy).
Rusev then addresses John Cena, calls him a loser, a thing of the past without any titles and drive to further his career…which means now we have to listen to John Cena gloat about his 15 titles, 2 royal rumble wins…yada yada. Yes, very impressive.
Although, John does deliver a promo that surprisingly isn’t as horribly stale as per usual. Hell, the “pubes and boobs” comment could elicit a chuckle from anyone. That, accompanied with his challenge to fight Rusev right then and there is not enough to get a match started. Lana convinces Rusev to save it for Fast Lane, and that’s just what they’ll do.
Well, for the time being at least.
Promo: Paige and Renee
Barely anything is discussed when the Bellas interrupt Paige. They go back in time and become the cruel, mean girls from high school we all hated who taunt Paige about her pale skin and call her a vampire.
Yes, charming Bellas, wonderful character development.
Goldust, Stardust vs. The Ascension
Holy Crap, Ascension is fighting an actual team instead of jobbers!
Stardust starts the match after he and Goldust bicker who will begin. Towards the end of the match right as Goldust has an open chance to take the win, Star tags himself back in. This results in the younger tag team separating the two brothers so Gold cannot come to the rescue.
Stardust is pinned, giving Ascension the win, and a possible split in the future for the dynamic duo.
Some Wizard Wars guy?
I missed his name, and I only feel partially guilty. As he is performing tricks backstage, Miz and Mizdow enter and need to be the center of attention. While expressing that he knows exactly what this wizard is doing, Miz is shocked when he reveals that the ‘trick’ being used was also another magic trick.
Mind you, this man has already said that Mizdow was the A-Lister as opposed to Miz. Shade has been thrown ladies and gentleman, it has been thrown full force.
Refusing to believe that the magician is holding an actual egg, Miz tells him to prove it….He then has an egg smashed on his face and everyone flees the coming temper tantrum that will surely happen.
All except for Mizdow who is seen laughing at the actor. More trouble in paradise? Probably.
Promo: Bray Wyatt
In summary, he’s a sick man who enjoys sick things, same here buddy, I feel ya.
Kane vs. Daniel Bryan
Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how Bryan attempted to use the ‘Yes Lock’ to get Kane into the casket? Oh it was absolutely rejected but it was a valiant effort. While Kane has been in far more casket matches as opposed to his competitor, that was not enough. Bryan drop kicks Kane into the casket for the win.
Quite honestly, that was expected. With the controversy surrounding the rumble, they had to have Daniel be the winner in this scenario. It seems it’s come to the point where Daniel Bryan needs to win every single match he’s in otherwise the universe will riot; that’s rather pitiful and disappointing.
Smackdown was predictable, boring, and a summary of everything that happened Sunday. It lived up to it’s usual disappointing formula–except it was live.