Smackdown: AKA Nap Time 2/26/15

Smackdown should best be known as nap time, no doubt about that. It has become the recap show and nothing remotely progressive happens on the show that won’t happen in a more prominent way on Monday Night Raw. There’s minimal to none story progression and the entire programming has become a bore.

It can’t even be saved with Daniel Bryan starting off the night bringing back his old ‘no’ chants in a rage fit because he’s a self-proclaimed failure. Smackdown was the night of sob stories, because Bad News Barrett decides to interrupt Daniel with a sob story of his own.

Barrett is upset and pouting over the fact that Dean Ambrose stole his title. The man quite honestly can’t be that angry considering he hasn’t even tried to get it back. Really, the man claims he deserves to be champion but he always watches Dean leave with his title. He’s either afraid of the lunatic, knows he can’t beat the lunatic, or a sad combination of both creating a pathetic Intercontinental champion.

Speak ill of the man and he shall come. Dean Ambrose enters, holding the IC title to mock Barrett. The two have a short brawl outside the ring until Barrett makes it back in….only to find Daniel Bryan holding the title like he found a precious baby goat. Barrett clearly wants his title back, but instead of getting it he gets a double dose of Daniel and Dean beating him before Dean gets the title back. Together Daniel and Dean look way too amused about the whole situation.

Huh, imagine them as a tag team? You could call them Double D. Or Crazy Goats–that was a youtube hit, right?

Wait that was screaming goats.

Never mind!

Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz

Mizdow is nowhere to be found! He must be shooting that commercial he was so excited about on Monday. Can’t imagine that is going to end well for him.

During this match Barrett comes back in the hopes of stealing his title back while Dean is distracted. Like a good ‘champion’, Dean always has his eye on the belt and stops Barrett momentarily. When Dean’s focus is back on the match Barrett slips away with the title. All the while Dean takes the win with ‘dirty deeds’.

Promo: Renee and Bad News Barrett

Barrett takes time out of his busy schedule to slander both Daniel and Dean. Apparently if you hold the man’s title away from him he gets a little bitter, who knew? The man is just happy to have his title back, and I’m sure he’s hoping no one else steals it.

Natalya vs. Naomi

Right now, Natalya and Naomi are arguably the best divas wrestling. They always put on a great display of athleticism and skills no matter how long they have for a match.

These two intimidating women were escorted to the ring by The Usos, Tyson Kidd, and Cesaro. While the women fight inside the ring, their escorts have a brawl outside the ring which ends with Tyson and Cesaro sporting matching hurt jaws.

Natalya decides to play possum as the referee is checking on her. Naomi falls for this tactic, allowing for Natalya to attack and pin her for the win.

Well done Natalya, now….please help those two massive men away from the ring because if looks could kill half the WWE universe would be dead right now.

In Ring Promo: Lana and Rusev

The dynamic duo attempts to justify the fact that Rusev doesn’t need to agree to a rematch with John Cena because he’s a champion. Basically, in being a champion he’s decided he can do whatever the hell he wants. They follow up this lovely conversation by trash talking Americans, only for a Real American to step out onto the ramp and stand up to them.

Jack Swagger enters and plays the good ol ‘Amurricah!’ Card to hype up the crowd before he attacks Rusev. Unfortunately for Swagger, he gets put into the ‘accolade’ and taps out even though they’re not in the middle of an actual match.

Well then, that’s just unfortunate.

Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett

During the match R Truth is on commentary, again with his #GiveTruthAChance bit. Although he does deserve some credit. Truth says he’s disappointed in Dean stealing the title and confesses that he himself is an honorable man. The follow up is the fact that he was an “Honest D-straight student”, and that is absolutely hysterical.

While Daniel and Barrett are actually having a match, Truth steals the title. He sneaks over and stuffs the belt under his shirt before walking away and hiding it once he’s back with commentary.

This man is worse than Swiper!

Daniel Bryan wins the match after hitting Barrett with the running knee. As it’s time to leave Barrett looks for his belt but can’t seem to find it anywhere and has no idea where it went.

This man is the equivalent of a kicked puppy right now. Honestly, he needs to get a better hold of his stuff and be more responsible.

Promo: Byron and Roman Reigns

Roman swears to beat Brock Lesnar even though everyone says he can’t. Apparently the word ‘can’t’ seems to irritate him quite a lot. Regardless, he’s going to prove that he can win and make his family proud.

Alright, well, good luck. Not raining on your parade here but I think Brock Lesnar is the type of man that he punches someone and the victim apologizes for their face being in the way of his fists.

….I’m sorry, that was terrible…but can we make Brock Lesnar the new ‘Chuck Norris’ thing? Brock Lesnar doesn’t go swimming, water just wants to be around him? Something like that?

Promo:Dean wants the belt.

Dean confronts R-Truth backstage because he’s well aware that man stole the belt. Without any fight or hesitation at all Truth gives Dean the belt. Dean looks like the happiest little kid in the world and once again has the belt.

Really, he takes more care of that belt than Barrett does and he’s not even champion. Is this foreshadowing that Dean will become the legitimate champion, or is this just comedy hour?

Fandango vs. Curtis Axel

Curtis Axel should never be allowed near a microphone and he needs a psych evaluation. He’s still going on about #Axelmania and never being eliminated from the rumble every time he enters the ring.

Dude, shut up.

Fandango manages to shut him up rather quickly by hitting him with ‘last dance’ before pinning him for the win.

Promo: Mizdow’s commercial

Mizdow is trying to shoot his commercial with two lovely women in peace, but The Miz is completely envious of him. He interrupts the shoot and not only mocks him, but manages to steal the commercial from Mizdow.

Something tells me Miz just got himself into a commercial for erectile dysfunction.

Goldust vs. Adam Rose

This was no contest. The veteran Goldust destroyed Adam. He easily pinned him for the win.

As Goldust heads up the ramp, a giant sock monkey rosebud attacks him from behind. It’s revealed that the sock monkey was Stardust in disguise. He drags his brother into the ring and hits him with ‘cross rhodes’ before leaving.

Geez, sibling rivalry is no joke in the Rhodes family.

Promo: Curious and Impatient Bray Wyatt

Seriously though, he’s both curious and incredibly impatient. In short he wants to know why the hell the Undertaker hasn’t been answering his disturbing calls or challenges.

Well…Bray…did…did you see what happened last year? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t answered? Don’t take it too personally you little swampy nut job, Taker hasn’t been around at all. It’s not just you.

Actually considering that you did steal his entrance and thoroughly insulted the WWE Universe in doing so, this probably is incredibly personal now.

Six Man Tag Rematch:

Seth, Kane, Big Show vs. Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, Erick Rowan

Leave it to the recap show to actually go all the way and recap a match because it was ‘so good and amazing’. No, it wasn’t that amazing of a match at Fast Lane and it’s not going to be amazing when it’s redone at Smackdown. If there was ever a match to replicate because it was just that good it would be Seth, John Cena, and Brock Lesnar’s triple threat match from the Royal Rumble.

Instead of the usual 2% of effort that WWE puts into creating Smackdown each week, they dropped it down to 0.05% by throwing us a so-so match from the disappointment that was Fast Lane. What a joke.

You can also count on WWE to highlight Rowan’s skills on a platform where barely anyone is watching or paying attention. Rather than having him show off how good he is during a pay-per-view or Raw, they let him get utterly pulverized during those matches. However in this one rare instance on Smackdown he’s actually displaying quite a feat of skill that should be highlighted on the main stages and not the recap show.

During this match Ryback botches ‘shell shock’ set up not once, but twice. The first time he ruins it is when he tries to execute the move on both Seth Rollins and one of his hobbits. Thankfully he didn’t get the chance, otherwise we may have seen the death of an Avenger rip-off and a hobbit.

The second time he botches the set up is just to Seth alone, but still manages to execute the move. Ryback gets the pin, allowing for Dolph, Ryback, and Rowan to win, in contrast to the last time those three went head-to-head with the Authority.

In Summary: Nothing was missed nor all that important. Perhaps something worthy of watching and remembering will happen on Monday Night Raw…

Which is usually the case.

Speaking of Raw, when the hell will Sheamus return?

Raw 2/23/15

Raw starts with the audience in Nashville, Tennessee giving a nice, warm welcome back to Randy Orton. Mind you, he is absolutely livid that he’s been put out of action for “four freakin’ months” by the Authority’s new favorite child, Seth Rollins. Really, it’s hard to be the older son and be neglected for the younger one.

The emancipated big brother calls out Seth Rollins. The Authority enters–everyone but Seth–and tries to appeal to him. Stephanie sounds slightly scared as she welcomes him back and urges him to rejoin the family. Hell, even Big Show tries to appeal to Randy, who wants nothing more than to bash Seth’s brains in.

Meanwhile Hunter is in the background sulking and being a pouty, miserable man-child because the night before Sting put him in his place.

The similarities between he and Seth are uncanny at this point. The tantrums, the sulking. It’s no wonder Seth is the favorite child, Randy didn’t pick up any of Hunter’s habits.

Stephanie just wants her family back together again. She just wants Randy to ‘come back home’. All she wants is for her two sons to make up and be close once again. Hoping to appeal to Randy, they invite him to a business conference, in which he agrees to go to.

Can anyone really blame them for desperately wanting to get Randy back on their side? The man will take out anyone, he doesn’t care. It’s better to have him on your side than to have him wanting to tear you limb from limb.

Unless you’re into that sort of thing….then I guess you should probably go end his career or something.

Once the ring is cleared out, Bad News Barrett makes his way in and throws a hissy fit over the common thief that is Dean Ambrose stealing his title. Barrett is not interrupted once, but twice.

First by R-Truth joining commentary, claiming he wants a chance at the belt since he has beaten Barrett before. He then tells people to tweet #GiveTruthAChance. Dear lord, do not give him a chance.

Dolph interrupts next, which leads to the first match.

Bad News Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler

This entire match is completely random. R-Truth is on commentary so he can promote himself to get a chance at the IC title. Rather than fight for the title he feels that because he beat BNB previously that he can get a twitter trend to get him a title shot. We’ll see how that works out for him.

Next we have Dolph Ziggler who lost his title, got it back, lost it again and apparently wants it back once more.

Dolph pins Barrett after hitting him with ‘zig zag’.

Enter Dean Ambrose proudly toting the title around. He taunts Barrett with it and mocks him before leaving the ring. In doing so he stares down Dolph before shoulder checking him and leaving.

I’m assuming this may lead to a triple-threat title match at Wrestlemania? Or I suppose quadruple threat if R-Truth actually gets into the match.

Or random plot that will never get resolved.

Promo: Authority and Seth

Seth Rollins looks absolutely alarmed. Really, the facial expression he has is as though Freddy Krueger is standing next to him and licking the side of his face. To be fair, Randy Orton is standing beside him and they’re not exactly the best of siblings at this point.

However, Mama Stephanie will not stand for that. An incredibly salty Stephanie berates Seth and blames him for what happened to Randy just to get the blame away from her and get Randy to want to join the family again. Meanwhile her very mature husband is sulking in the corner like a child who had his toy taken away for misbehaving.

Honestly, this entire family is a hot mess.

Ultimately, Randy shakes hands with Seth, leading Stephanie to name the main even match of the night: Randy Orton and Seth Rollins vs. Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns.

The return of #TeamReigningGoats has arrived!

Prime Time Players vs. The Ascension

In this quick match, Darren ‘surprises’ the audience by quickly pinning Viktor. It’s surprising because well, the Ascension have supposedly been built up to be these unstoppable forces.

Right…

Livid, the Ascension brutalizes both Darren and Titus after their loss.

Promo: In Ring: Roman Reigns

Just as Roman is addressing the audience, “To all my doubters–” Daniel Bryan interrupts the party.

At first he seems completely full of vinegar. He admits he was the biggest Roman Reigns doubter, and would internally boo. Daniel goes as far to say “They like Daniel Bryan and they don’t like you.”

Salty, Daniel, slow heel turn approaching?

Daniel talks about how he has more heart than most of the superstars around. Then he says that Roman proved he had more heart than Daniel thought he had. Daniel admits he gave it all he had but Roman still managed to beat him at Fast Lane. Like a civilized man, he congratulates Roman and they shake hands.

A good put-over that did not involve a wimpy defeat or Daniel sugar-coating everything. He addressed all of the issues surrounding Roman and made him look better in the eyes of the skeptics.

Team Reigning Goats is once again friendly with one another!

Just as Daniel leaves the area, Paul Heyman enters. He builds up Roman saying that no matter what the match was, whether it was against the greats like The Rock, Triple H, Stone Cold, Andre the Giant–that his money would always be on Roman.

However after this build up (in which Roman is suspicious and disbelieving the entire time), Paul informs Roman that he is the “Right guy, right place, at the wrong time.” Any other time, Roman could have won Wrestlemania. Paul is saying that he doesn’t stand a chance against Brock Lesnar.

Roman scares Paul by forcing him to stand closer to him, daring him to tell him once again that he will fail. A very confident, and very intimidating Roman Reigns confesses that he plans on brutally beating Brock Lesnar.

Like any other short, easily frightened manager, Paul Heyman flees the ring once all is said and done.

The Usos vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro

Tag Team Champions–Rematch

At one point, the ever so lovely and charming Tyson uses his wife Natalya as a human shield when he’s ringside.

Cesaro knocks Jimmy off of the post which prevents Jey from making a tag.

Towards the end of the match Naomi interferes and hits Tyson, preventing him from getting the pin and winning the match. Livid, Natalya attacks Naomi outside the ring. Considering Naomi interfered, Natalya thinks she can do the same and decides to throw Jimmy off of the turnbuckle. She’s caught by the referee and attacked by Naomi.

This leads to The Usos winning by disqualification, but Tyson and Cesaro retain their championship titles.

Promo: Miz and Mizdow

Miz proclaims that he has won every single title available, and therefore wants to enter the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania. Alright, well, easy there Miz, you have not won the Diva’s title. With the way he behaves, it seems rather fitting for him to go for that title first.

Mizdow however takes the time to thank the Miz for all that he’s done. Since he is no longer a stunt double, the job opportunities are just pouring in for him. There’s a job as a spokesperson waiting for him! While this is wonderful for Mizdow, Miz is absolutely livid.

He’s probably afraid that Mizdow will be more successful than him. Gee, I wonder why.

Promo: Bray Wyatt flirts with a casket.

Really though, he caresses it and gives it such tender love and care. Once more he calls out the Undertaker. The Undertaker has yet to respond, but I’m sure when he eventually does, it’ll be quite a treat.

Not Nude Stardust vs. Jack Swagger

Hey, Stardust is both fully clothed and fully painted! All is right and the stars have aligned for this momentous occasion!

In the middle of the match Goldust walks out onto the ramp and simply watches his brother. The distraction causes Jack to easily take control of the situation. He catches Stardust in the middle of the ‘patriot lock’ and wins by submission.

All the while Stardust seems to be having mental breakdowns left and right, and Goldust is determined to beat Stardust back to normal.

I don’t think that’s how that works…but hey, everyone’s different.

In Ring Hissy Fit: John Cena

John Cena gives who usual, highly forgetful ‘I am the underdog even though I’ve been the top dog for over a decade’ speech. He makes a mistake in pronunciation and calls Rusev’s submission maneuver the ‘accolight’ instead of the ‘accolade’. Listen, if you’re going to cry and try to pull the sympathy card after passing out, at least try to get the name of the submission move you lost to correct. Geez, there’s a way to go about these things man!

Lana and Rusev enter the ring while Cena is trying to gain sympathy. Lana reminds John that he was utterly humiliated and humbled the night before. Rusev once again says something absolutely silly, along the lines of ‘It’s Rusev time’.

Anyone else think he should have broken out into song and dance?

We get the same old ‘keep fighting’ shtick from Cena who issues a request for a rematch against Rusev at Wrestlemania.

Well John, rematch denied by Rusev the Bulgarian Brute.

Promo: Seth corners Randy in the locker room.

Not that way, you perverts.

Seth simply wants to make amends with his estranged brother. Randy however wants none of that, he’s simply doing what’s best four business and considers them on the same page in that regard. All he wants to do is beat Daniel and Roman later on that night.

Seth seems pleased, but really, Seth? You’re the supposed future of the WWE, the infamous ‘Architect’ of the Shield, and you’ll believe Randy?

Oh dear, he’s going o die.

Emma, Paige vs. The Bella Twins

Paige immediately tries to attack Nikki.

Emma pulls her away, and the distraction allows for Brie to pin Emma for the win.

Really? Is there a record for shortest match in Diva’s history because this lasted all of twelve seconds.

What a shame.

Bushwhackers to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, congratulations!

In Ring Hissy Fit: Curtis Axel

This man supposedly has yet to be eliminated from the Royal Rumble. I suppose he’s forgotten the fact that the first time he threw this fit, Dean Ambrose threw him over the top rope and said ‘now you’re eliminated’.

He goes off into another tangent about #Axelmania and enters himself into the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. His ex tag team partner Ryback enters the ring and declares “Turn your upper lip south and shut your mouth.”

I’ll admit, that insult was well done Ryback. Ridiculous, but well done.

Curtis Axel vs. Ryback

In an instant Ryback wins with shell, shock.

Yeah, don’t have any high hopes for yourself Axel, this isn’t looking good for you.

Seth Rollins, Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns.

With Big Show, Kane, and J&J security at ringside to make sure their precious cargo is safe and sound…Or to make sure Randy doesn’t lose his mind again.

Typical, reliable kiss ass Seth Rollins to introduce Randy Orton into the ring to attempt to further get on his good side.

I’d like to point out that during this match Roman is beside himself in amusement at Seth’s pain. Seth also has a habit of over enthusiastically cheering for Randy. For the entire time Big Show is cheering for Randy as well. Do these two think that praising the Viper will allow them to live longer and not get RKO’ed? I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you boys, he’ll RKO anyone.

Towards the end of the match Seth tags himself in the middle of Randy’s set up for an elevated DDT on Roman. Randy throws a hissy fit. Daniel then tags himself in, and Roman and Daniel share a laugh about that and are rather humorous as they continue the match.

Daniel hits Seth with the ‘running knee’ and pins him for the win.

Meanwhile Randy throws a fit outside the ring. He then dives into the ring and RKO’s Noble and corners Seth. The golden child of the Authority looked absolutely terrified, and no one can blame him, this man is terrifying. Rather than hit him and end his career, he pats him on the shoulder and leaves the ring.

Poor Seth,  hit with a false sense of security and relief. It’s clear that Randy is playing mind games with him. Why strike now when everyone expects you too? It’s always best to wait until the victim feels completely comfortable and at ease before striking them.

I mean…I would know nothing about that.

This could be a beautiful feud though, and would lead to a wonderful Wrestlemania match. Granted, the ending of Raw wasn’t as volatile and eye-grabbing as last week’s, it still does a fine job of setting up what’s to come.

Fast Lane 2/22/15

The pre-show for this pay per view did not include a match. This time, we were blessed to watch The Miz treat Mizdow like he was a dog….or a child.

Or a weird hybrid of the two.

Actually now that I think about it, that’s rather concerning.

Either way, after the pre-show the event jumped into the first match of the evening. The 6-Man tag match between The Authority and the Wrestlers Three.

Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, Ryback vs. Seth Rollins, Big Show, Kane

Seth and Dolph start the match, allowing the universe to get hyped up with their constant running and jumping around the ring.

At one point Rowan roars at J&J security, affectively scaring the hobbits back into their hole before getting a brutal ringside beating.

Finally Kane pins Dolph for the win after Big Show delivers a knock out punch.

After their victory Seth decides to take care of the wrestlers three once and for all. After curb stomping Dolph, Ryback and Rowan enter in an attempt to stop them. Rowan is curb stomped, but before Ryback can meet the same fate we are met with the return of Randy Orton.

Randy runs into the ring, sending everyone to scatter in a frenzy. After delivering a few patented ‘rko’s outta nowhere, Randy watches as Seth flees like a bat out of hell.

To be fair, if I tried to end that man’s career and he came after me several months later, I would run out of the country as well.

Promo: Dusty Rhodes and Goldust

Goldust promises to beat Stardust so badly, that he’ll simply never want to be Stardust again and will revert to going back to being Cody.

Topless Stardust vs. Goldust

Honestly though, Stardust went topless. He also didn’t have his face fully painted. It was odd, it feels wrong, it just feels so incomplete.

During the match the mostly dead crowd (and I mean this for the duration of the night) begins to chant ‘Cody’. Chanting his real name seems to throw him off with a sort of inner conflict of who he really is. Stardust reveals some of his daddy issues because he asked his brother “who’s your daddy? Literally who is it?” He also shouts “who’s your favorite?”

Seriously though, that’s weird.

Goldust counters ‘cross rhodes’ and pins his brother for the win.

Promo: Family Reunion

Stardust joins his family backstage and completes his final transformation as the little brother with daddy issues. After savagely beating his brother he goes on a verbal rampage. Stardust lists a few of his former lives including ‘Legacy’ and ‘Dashing Cody Rhodes’. He tops it all off with a painful and heartbreaking declaration to his father:

“You killed Cody Rhodes.”

Ouch, no parent wants to hear that. However his delivery and theatrics doesn’t go unnoticed. Cody is developing the madness of Stardust even further which serves to make him even more entertaining. Even something as subtle as reacting to the crowd chanting his real name in such a way is very telling of the mind of his character. Let’s hope creative steers this psychotic mad man in the right direction and doesn’t destroy it before it reaches its full potential.

The Usos vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro

Tag Team Championship

Dozens of near pins in the match show how equally qualified these two teams are to be champions. Similar to what we’ve seen in the past, Cesaro causes a distraction ringside. This allows Tyson to pin Jimmy for the win, leading them to become the new tag team champs.

Tag team champions isn’t a bad platform to rebuild from, unless of course they lose it just as quickly as they got it. However I think The Usos can stand to be without their titles for a little while.

Triple H vs. Sting 

The somewhat war of words

After publicly apologizing for pushing Rig Flair, Triple H confronts Sting in the ring over the WCW chants from the crowd. Hunter promises that Sting’s legacy can live on through the WWE Network (only 9.99) and merchandise sales. Hell, he might even get into the Hall of Fame…..eventually.

Not a word is uttered by Sting, leaving Hunter to go for a cheap shot that is ultimately denied. A brawl breaks out and Hunter brings out the sledge hammer. Sting counters with a bat outta nowhere and corners his opponent. The discussion now becomes a bat vs sledge hammer altercation.

Sting points to the Wrestlemania sign indicating that’s where he wants his match. As a teaser for what’s to come, Sting hits him with his ‘scorpion death drop’ before leaving.

Dean Ambrose vs. Bad News Barrett

Intercontinental Championship

When Barrett realizes he can’t win this match he tries to flee. Dean refuses to lose the title because Barrett can’t stand to fight him, so Dean brings Barrett back into the ring not once but twice.

Apparently Dean’s assault on Barrett in the corner of the ring was too much for the referee’s standards. Dean gets himself disqualified, allowing for Barrett to retain the title.

However, Dean did say he was going to leave the ring with the title. A livid lunatic fringe continues to beat the champion before hitting him with ‘dirty deeds’, stealing the title, and casually walking away.

Now presenting….The Undertaker

Just kidding.

The crowd finally seemed to wake up when they thought they were seeing the Dead Man. Instead, when the coffin opened up ringside we were all shocked and put into an animalistic fury when Bray Wyatt popped up.

Bray Wyatt is calling out the Undertaker for Wrestlemania. The Undertaker, according to Bray has become weak, a broken shell of what he once was. Which….quite honestly leads to the perfect opportunity for Bray to claim his soul at Wrestlemania.

Now this is cruel. This is cruel to the audience to bring their hopes up only to brutally stomp them out  with the sharpest stilettos available. It’s also incredibly disrespectful to the Undertaker. Using his theme, his entrance, only to be a fraud? It’s guaranteed to get a response from the man, and most likely lead to a (possible retirement?) match at Wrestlemania.

Rusev vs. John Cena

United States Championship

No one was excited for this match, not in the audience and not at home. Hell, the audience booed both competitors. There were chants in the audience for every other competitor and commentator but the two people actually in the ring.

Lana enters the ring towards the end of the constant back and forth wrestler toss. When she enters the ring her distraction allows Rusev to deliver a low blow to Cena. Two attempts of his submission later, John Cena passes out in the middle of Rusev’s ‘accolade’.

Well, it’s a pleasant surprise to see that Super Cena didn’t succeed in this instance. It gives hope that a rising star would take the title from Rusev and end his reign. Will this actually happen?

Knowing WWE, probably not.

Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan

To Main Event Wrestlemania against Brock Lesnar…

This crowd is incredibly pro Daniel Bryan, which can benefit Roman Reigns if he has a heel turn.

During the match there is a constant back and forth between the two of them, mostly countering each other’s moves. Both end up outside the ring and are nearly counted out, but manage to make it back in the last possible second.

Daniel shows his excellent in-ring abilities by countering Roman’s ‘superman punch’, allowing him to take control of the fight and pummel the larger man. However Roman not only kicks out of the ‘running knee’, but he gets out of the ‘yes lock’ and pummels Daniel.

Roman Reigns wins the match with a spear to counter the running knee. He pins Daniel Bryan and is officially, for the second time, on the road to fighting against Brock Lesnar.

Once the match is over, a very bitter and utterly defeated Daniel Bryan approaches Roman. Both Roman and the audience think Daniel will attack, but instead he shakes his hand and states:

“You better kick his ass”

What a perfect way to put Roman over.

…Unless tonight on Raw, The Authority decides to ruin Roman’s chances once again. However I think they’ll be too preoccupied with their golden child being stalked by the Viper. Ah, they must hate when their children fight, but in Randy’s defense, he technically was the first golden child.

Smackdown 2/19/15

Luckily for the viewers of Smackdown, the evening does not start with a John Cena mope-a-thon. Instead it bypasses any sort of promo or tantrum thrown in the ring. It jumps right into the first match which happens to end rather quickly.

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz

A quick clip is shown of Miz belittling Mizdow once more, and reminding everyone that he made both Mizdow and Daniel Bryan since Daniel was once his rookie. Once he arrives to the ring Mizdow is sent elsewhere to fetch him some water, pre-chew his food, or warm up his toilet seat. After a quick ‘Bye Felicia!’ (literally, I’m not kidding), Daniel goes after Miz.

The match ends quickly when Daniel tumbles out of the figure-four leg lock and turns it into the ‘yes lock’. He manages to get Miz to tap out, and therefore wins by submission.

Ryback vs. Kane

“Kane’s not used to being manhandled like that!”

Really? Really?! This was definitely said on purpose.

I’m surprised they didn’t throw out a line about how this was such a quick finish for these men, call it premature–

Okay, I apologize, I’ll stop I know this is a family show. After Kane hurls Ryback out of the ring it was safe to assume that it was all over for Ryback (not really, but we’re supposed to think that way). Ryback ‘surprises’ everyone and hits Kane with ‘shell shock’ before pinning him for the win.

R. Truth vs. Bad News Barrett

For this match Dean Ambrose is on commentary, and it is beautiful. The entire time he is getting into Barrett’s mind. He comments on how Barrett takes no pride in his Intercontinental title. In response, Barrett tries to show his strength and brutality but Dean isn’t the least bit interested in him. This gets under his skin even more, but Barrett isn’t completely mentally destroyed until Dean turns his back on him. It’s so baffling to this man that it completely distracts him allowing for Truth to capitalize and pin him for the win.

Dean, happy with his good work leaves ringside without even looking at his future opponent. Smiling and giving out high-fives, Dean is completely calm, cool, and collected while Barrett is mentally destroyed. Actually, Barrett is more like the neglected troublesome child in school, screaming and doing horrible things for attention but getting none.

Oh, right, Truth was there. Well as for him Dean did comment on how his signature line from ‘Whoomp There It Is’ is from 1993 and completely dated.  I suppose that’s less awkward than saying ‘My anaconda don’t’ before a match, but perhaps it’s time to upgrade.

Promo: Bray Wyatt is singing.

This particular song is one he sings to his pets before he puts them down.

Well, alright. I’ll have one ticket out of the country and as far away from this sociopath as quickly as possible please.

The Ascension vs. Xavier Woods, Big E (New Day)

Naturally before the match, Ascension promises to decimate New Day. Seeing as how they are supposed to be the rising tag team to be feared, they follow through. Together they hit Big E with ‘fall of man’ before pinning and taking the win.

Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper

Since being booed out of the Royal Rumble, Roman’s in-ring work has been changing for the better. He’s getting more into his matches, becoming far more brutal than what we expect. It’s reminiscent of the early SHIELD days where he was a heel. So, a more brutal Roman, plus heel tendencies…perhaps we’re moving towards the silent bad ass that Roman is best suited as.

Now as for the match, the fight is both in ring and partially ring side. Harper cuts off Roman’s ‘superman punch’ with a nasty kick to the jaw. Roman instantly rebounds off the ropes and spears him before pinning him and taking the win.

Geez, Roman’s getting hit in the mouth and getting injured all the time. I mean really, he’s taking it in the mouth a lot–oh dear.

I’ve done it again, sorry, that wasn’t PG.

But seriously he’s always taking it in the mouth!

Erick Rowan vs. Big Show

Before Rowan can make it into the ring, Big Show delivers a beating to the man ringside. The two finally move into the ring. Once Rowan says he’s okay to start the match, the beating just continues. Big Show brutally hurts this…um, sensitive little lamb, and delivers a choke slam before pinning him for the win.

Paige vs. Cameron

With the Bellas on commentary, you can always expect some enlightening and beautiful words. All the Bellas can do is comment on Paige’s looks, which is honestly quite a shame. Of all things to include in a feud all they can discuss is appearance.

Sigh.

It’s funny that the twins say Paige just needs to become more classy, considering that they admitted to taking her ring gear “to do the world a favor and see Paige naked”.

Yes, that’s incredibly classy.

In regards to the short-lived match, Cameron doesn’t stand a chance. Paige puts Cameron into the PTO and wins by submission.

All I need is for Paige to take the belt from Nikki at Fast Lane and hit her in the mouth with it. Maybe it’ll knock the middle school mentality out of her.

Promo: Goldust and Renee

They discuss the impending match at Fast Lane between Goldust and Stardust. Goldust just wants his brother ‘Cody’ back, as Stardust has become a cancer that is eating him alive.

Stardust however appears on the monitor behind them and in all his crazy mumbo jumbo, eventually leads on that Cody and Goldust will be no more.

I’m okay with that, Stardust is perfectly demented, I only hope he continues to become more and more sinister.

Jimmy Uso vs. Tyson Kidd

This match simply doesn’t happen. Sure, for a few seconds there’s a few hits exchanged, but Rusev charges the ring like an angry Bulgarian bull. He throws everyone out of the ring, then brutally beats the Usos as a message to John Cena.

While Lana looks on appearing both very fabulous and very proud, he shouts into the microphone in Bulgarian to call out his future opponent. Cena doesn’t show up, and eventually the two leave.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins.

Two things I need to say right now.

1) J&J Security (aka The Hobbits, the gnomes, the children) are banned from ringside.

2) Seth Rollins laughs just like The Penguin making him the heel with the cheesy evil villain laugh.

Onto the match, Kane, Big Show, Ryback, and Rowan all gather around the ring to show support for their comrades. Seth is nearly pinned countless times making it seem as though Dolph will take the win. The two have a fantastic match displaying their athleticism and talent.

However Dolph gets distracted by Kane, allowing Seth to take control of the situation. Seth ultimately wins with a vicious ‘curb stomp’.

Finally, a clean win without security!

But…that’s never enough for the Authority’s golden boy. Seeing that there are five on his side, and only two left in fighting shape, he initiates an attack. Together they destroy Ryback and Rowan, delivering curb stomps to affectively end the night.

Well, all that’s left after the end of the shadow of Monday Night Raw is Fast Lane this Sunday. Perhaps we’ll see the return of Randy Orton to sabotage Seth’s match and lead to a feud worthy of a WrestleMania showdown.

Or…not. I have no idea when that man is returning.

Raw: Wonderfully Abusive 2/16/15

Unfortunately for Raw Orlando, the evening starts with John Cena wielding a microphone. This obviously signifies he will give one of his signature speeches that are all about himself and how he’s always beaten down by everyone else. Almost like he’s stuck in this mind set that he’s the underdog even though that’s far from the truth. John’s usual speech goes something like this: “I got hurt, but I will rise again. [Insert whatever challenger’s name here that is probably going to be buried by this man] is good but I am better, and I will defeat the undefeated!”

Predictably, this does not go over well with his challenger Rusev who appears with Lana. As every good manager should, Lana praises Rusev as being the superior competitor. Rusev also decides to take to the microphone and possibly, with much regret, states he will crush “your little will to live”. Interesting choice of words.

It’s only fair that considering last week Rusev hurt Cena, that he would too face the same fate. Cena rushes down the ramp and attacks Rusev, thoroughly beating him after Rusev once again mocks the patented ‘you can’t see me’. The fight was a repeat of last week, except the roles were reversed and Cena was attempting to be more…aggressive and brutal.

Overall, a disappointing start to the evening.

Clip: Dean does his best newscaster impression as a shoutout to SNL and their 40th anniversary special that just passed. In an oversized suit and a cheeky grin that makes him look every bit like a sociopath, he promises to get Bad News Barrett to sign the contract for the Intercontinental title match at Fast Lane.

Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper

To show that he deserves the title match and will have no problem obtaining it from BNB, Dean faces the former IC champion. Throughout the match he’s very energetic and is clearly making a point. If he can take down the hulking man that is Luke Harper, then he can take out Barrett.

Dean manages to pin Luke for the win after hitting him with ‘dirty deeds’.

Promo: Triple H, Kane, Big Show

Kane and Big Show bicker like school children, all the while Hunter is less than amused. Hunter makes the mistake of saying “You have any idea how bad this makes me look?”

To which Big Show amazingly replies, “About as bad as Sting made you look last week.”

To be fair Big Show, that was fake Sting. Although, that doesn’t make it any better does it? Nonetheless that amazing remark had to have sealed Big Show’s fate in some way. There’s no way Hunter could let that go. Then again….he has lost a lot of his attitude these days, he’s hardly the same ‘Cerebral Assassin’ we all once knew.

Promo: Bray Wyatt…

…wants to do horrible things, and expresses how he has no fear for a particular someone. Hmm, is someone expressing a desire to take on the Undertaker?

Promo: Rhodes Family

Dusty is trying to get through to Cody, because really, nothing matters if you have no family…or some beautiful, meaningful crap like that I don’t know. For the most part it seems like he’s gotten through to him.

Goldust, Stardust vs. Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods (New Day)

Honestly, Goldust is spry given his age. While Goldust is incredibly spry, that does not manage to save him. He is distracted when trying to aid Stardust, and as a result leads to Xavier capitalizing and pinning him for the win.

Stardust appears to help his wounded brother to at least stand. Goldust just can’t seem to stand on his own for some time, his age truly showing in this instance. Just when the universe is about to believe that the Rhodes brothers have finally reunited, Stardust hits him with ‘cross rhodes’.

Oh dear, this family relationship just went right into a black hole didn’t it?

Promo: Roman Reigns and Byron

Byron questions Roman about the road to Wrestlemania and his thoughts on Daniel Bryan. Roman so eloquently states that the Authority “rode the wave of public opinion to get Seth in” (That didn’t work out well did it?). Meanwhile Daniel saw an opportunity and took it.

Although, he does leave us with the fact that Daniel did not take his royal rumble loss like a man. Ouch, that can’t be good for Team Reigning Goats

Promo:Dusty and Cody

Dusty is not happy with his son, but Stardust doesn’t care. Stardust has a mental breakdown, swearing that ‘Cody is dead, and so is my father’, and Dustin is just dead weight at this point. That was incredibly brutal and painful. Stardust has officially lost his damn mind. I’m assuming this will lead to a feud between the Rhodes brothers. Cody will move on and become a singles competitor once more, and possibly retire Dustin…? After all, he is getting up there in age…

Roman Reigns vs. Kane

During Roman’s match Daniel decides to sit with commentary. Make a few remarks, be a cheeky little goat man by referring to Roman as the ‘big dog’ instead of by name. He also decides to start a few ‘yes’ chants with the crowd. All the while a few ‘you can’t wrestle’ ‘yes he can’ chants are thrown back and forth.

While Daniel does attempt to cause a distraction, Roman still manages to spear Kane outside the ring and therefore win by count out. Daniel once again starts his signature chant, and naturally Roman beckons him into the ring for a fight. Rather than joining him, Daniel continues to play mind games and prance around the ring while chanting.

Promo: Daniel and Renee

They discuss Daniel’s strategy of using mind games. It’s important that you must not only beat your opponent, but get into his head and throw him off, especially if your opponent is bigger and stronger than you.

Promo: Bray…again.

He’s ready to destroy the world, “I’m waiting for you”. Okay, he is definitely waiting for Undertaker, right?

Summer Rae vs. Paige

Before the match can even begin, the Bellas and their amazing middle school mean girl personalities go and steal Paige’s ring gear. Rather than let this stop her, she takes a lollipop girl dress from one of the Rosebuds and continues with her match.

Paige manages to get Summer to submit by using the PTO. After her win the Bellas enter and attempt to make fun of her outfit. Paige so cooly replies that she “doesn’t need an outfit to look good”.

Wow, that’s a blow to the self esteem of the vicious twins, well done.

Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler

As the self proclaimed future of the company, Seth must make his entrance first and gloat about how wonderful he is. According to this latex-wearing superhero knock off, President’s Day is a waste and instead he should be celebrated on this day because worshipping the past is useless compared to worshipping the future…which would be him. After stating he is the most talented performer, most valuable asset, and no one can stop him, he claims that he should just become president and host the Daily Show.

Now you’re just trying to get the crowd to murder you Seth, thou shall not host the Daily Show.

Enter now Dolph Ziggler who opens with “seems like you had a bad valentine’s Day.”  Oh my god that was a brutal remark considering Seth’s recent scandal. Dolph suggests that perhaps Stephanie buckled him into the car seat too tightly, or that Triple H had the “birds and the bees” talk with him. Which, by the way, was done with an uncanny Triple H impression.

To which Seth so boldly replies that the only funny thing about Dolph is his joke of a career.

Ouch.

Dolph has now made it his mission to take out the self-proclaimed future. The referee bans the hobbits from ring side leaving Seth to fend for himself.

Dolph wins by disqualification after J&J return to help Seth. As Dolph is being attacked Rowan and Ryback enter to save him. while Security manages to get Seth to safety, Mercury ends up being sacrificed to the wrestlers three. Ah well, he did his job.

Triple H and Ric Flair

Triple H tries to make it a point that he is not afraid of Sting. Enter his mentor Ric Flair and thousands of woo chants. Ric wants him not to take Sting lightly and not to put himself in a position to fail. After some banter back and forth, it is incredibly clear that Sting has effectively used mind games against the Cerebral Assassin and shattered him to his very core. Hunter is just stressed, angry, and I’ll assume very anxious for the match at Fast Lane.

Now pair all of those feelings with Ric’s parting words: “Don’t let me see you sitting on your ass again like you were last Monday”, and Hunter snaps. Livid that his ring rust has been pointed out by one of the greats, Hunter throws him to the floor and leaves.

Classy act, he is most definitely the man that taught Seth how to throw a proper tantrum.

Ascension vs. Darren Young+ Nameless Jobber

Welcome back Darren Young!

The Ascension delivers a beat down before the match can begin…which leads to a match never happening in the first place. Much to everyone’s surprise, Titus O’Neil runs in to save Darren. The two come out victorious and we are left to assume that this is perhaps the Prime Time Players getting back together.

Promo: Miz and Bad News Barrett

Miz wants BNB to knock Mizdow down a few pegs. In exchange, Miz will look out for the Lunatic Fringe for him. Ah, a match made in hell.

Mizdow vs. Bad News Barrett

Always count on Miz to deliver distractions and ruin Mizdow’s match. Mizdow performs Miz’s moves better than his employer, and while he is on a roll Miz has to make sure that he doesn’t win. After offering the appropriate distraction, Barrett hits him with the ‘bull hammer’ and pins for the win.

But we’re not done there…

Dean Ambrose storms in like a bat out of hell. He throws Barrett into a post, injuring his shoulder and stunning him long enough to zip tie his hands together and keep him in place. Barrett refuses to sign the contract, so like any sane man would do, Dean shoves the pen into his hand and forcibly signs the contract for him.

Dean now has his match at Fast Lane. As for Barrett…well, I can’t imagine he’s too amused.

Promo: Bray….and a hammer?

I’m assuming he’s nailing a coffin shut. With the parting words, “Find me or I’ll find you”, I’m going to assume for the last time that Bray badly wants the Undertaker.

Jimmy, Naomi vs. Tyson, Natalya

Couples mixed tag match!

The women are the real stars of this evening’s match, and it’s nice to see more diva time. They steal the show with their amazing displays of athleticism and their synchronized moves.

Natalya tries to tag out to her husband, who mind you has been hiding behind Natalya for the duration of the match. However he declines, and let’s her stay in the ring so she can fight. This was a poor decision, as Naomi pins her for the win.

After losing, both Cesaro and Tyson scold Natalya for making them lose.

I’m waiting for the moment where Natalya punches them both in the mouth.

Big Show vs. Daniel Bryan

Roman decides to sit in on the match, but instead of offering commentary and banter, he offers a distraction in a much different way. As his method of playing mind games, Roman signs autographs, and takes selfies with the fans. Hell the man even throws merchandise out to the crowd. His indifference to the match angers Daniel.

During this match we are privileged to hear ‘boring’ chants. We also get the lovely opportunity to hear Big Show say ‘all night long’ to Daniel. Doesn’t it seem that every single time he tries to smack talk, it sounds like he’s propositioning someone? He really needs to work on that.

The fight goes outside the ring, and Big Show ends up shoving Daniel into Roman. Roman isn’t amused by this, and ends up getting speared by the big man when Daniel manages to step to the side just in time.

Not one for taking a hit passively, Roman superman punches the Big Show resulting in a disqualification that names Daniel the loser.

As a result of his loss, Daniel from the top turn buckle leaps at Roman. Roman throws Daniel out the ring, Daniel gets back in and a brawl breaks out between the two of them both in and out of the ring. The crowd loves it at this point, but it gets better from there. Just as they shake hands and turn their backs on one another, Daniel moves to attack and the fight starts all over again.

The brawl shows Roman as this powerful beast, where if his buttons are pushed just enough he will attack with everything he’s got and show no remorse. It shows that Daniel is a worthy competitor, more than capable of fighting against men who are bigger than him. The fight gets taken into the crowd before eventually getting back to ring side. It appears that the entire crew and countless referees have to pry these men apart and keep them from ripping each other’s throats out.

While the opening for Raw was weak, the ending was amazing and very redeeming. If this is the teaser as to what will happen at Fast Lane, in regards to fighting at least, then it’s safe to say to hold out some hope for a good match. These two work well together in the ring, balancing out each other’s move sets and complimenting one another nicely.

As for Smackdown this Thursday, if you watch it I’m sure you’ll get a quick summary of Monday’s events, a few tantrums, and a plug to sign up for the network to watch the pay-per-view

Smackdown..Feelin’ So Empty 2/12/15

For this special recording of Smackdown, half of the crew is away in Abu-Dhabi for the live shows. That means wrestlers who have been in deep freeze for some time are allowed to be defrosted for just this one night! It also means that Kane and his best buddy in the entire world the Big Show will take over for the evening.

Kane speaks to the leftovers and announces that the Main Event for the evening will be a tag team turmoil match. Fun, that should take up a solid hour of the two hour program.

Bray Wyatt vs. R Truth

I told you, on this special night wrestlers left in the freezer step out once more to remind the crowd they exist!

During this match in an attempt to Swallow Truth’s face with his own butt, Bray hits the mat after Truth rolls out of the way. Which leads to Bray nearly giving his butt a second crack. However that did not slow him down as he manages to hit Truth with ‘sister Abigail’ before pinning him for the win.

Paige vs. Summer Rae

With the Bellas on commentary, not a single person is paying attention to the match. No one calls out any of the moves or what’s happening within the ring until Paige finally wins by submission using her PTO.

Adam Rose vs. Fandango

It’s tool vs tool in this special match up. Fandango wins with his ‘last dance’, and Rose predictably throws a tantrum and beats up a few of his rosebuds. Geez, someone send that guy to anger management already.

Tag Team Turmoil

Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns vs….

1) Miz and Mizdow

Daniel and Roman are angrily trash talking each other for a duration of the match. Both are tagging themselves in and getting on one another’s nerves like a couple of school children. The end result is Daniel pinning the Miz for the win.

2) The Usos

The Usos prove to be a challenge for the dysfunctional tag-team. The fact that they are cousins to Roman Reigns only makes it more difficult of a task for Reigning Goats. When the twins are out of the ring and Daniel is delivering a particularly brutal beating to one of them, Roman is found to interfere saying to get him in the ring and win the right way.

Roman’s interference in trying to make sure his cousins aren’t too badly hurt and to attempt to win show that while he may have a chip on his shoulder, it doesn’t keep him from doing the right thing.

That’s character, creative, not a large man talking about a bean stalk and fairy tales.

Daniel ultimately gets Jey in the ‘yes lock’ for the win.

3) Los Matadores

This was a sort of breather from the previously long match. Daniel wins with another ‘yes lock’.

4)Titus O’Neil, Heath Slater

Hey Heath, good to see you in the ring! To welcome you back, take a spear from Roman Reigns and get pinned for the loss.

During this match Roman showcases his strength and ferocity by decimating this tag-team on his own, genuinely surprising Daniel Bryan.

5) The Ascension

Apparently the Ascension don’t understand the concept of a tag team match. These two are disqualified for their brutality and determination to injure these two stars rather than compete fairly.

6) Big Show and Kane

All these two giants have to do is take out the already injured and exhausted competitors of Team Reigning Goats. Apparently they cannot do that. All they do is bicker and go back and forth with each other much like Roman and Daniel were doing earlier in the evening.

Having enough of Kane, Big Show delivers a knock out punch before getting speared by Roman. This allows Daniel to pin him for the win, leaving Daniel and Roman as victorious.

Now I’m just curious, if this was to lead to a face turn does that mean Big Show and Seth Rollins would get a divorce? Who would get custody of their children, J&J security? Would there be visitation rights, child support? These are the questions I need to be answered…mostly because this episode of Smackdown was a waste of time and didn’t do much for anyone except showcase the type of competitor the WWE Universe wants Roman to be. Actually, it also showcased the athleticism of Daniel Bryan. Both put on amazing performances given the circumstances.

…But since nothing else really happened, now I have to make up my own entertainment in the form of a crumbling marriage.

As per usual Smackdown offered nothing new, but with half a crew it was especially boring.

Don’t feel bad if you missed the show, it wasn’t that special.

Raw–Oh So Scandalous 2/9/15

The only reason I say that this was ‘oh so Scandalous’ was due to what occurred in the ever-growing social media universe. No, a Bella did not have a nip slip, nor did anyone have sex in a casket (that I know of). Rather, behind the scenes Seth Rollins and his fiancee were discovered to be both perpetrators and victims of some dirty deeds of their own. No, I will not go into a graphic summary of what happened nor supply pictures (that’s in poor taste), but what was occurring behind the scenes actually did manage to cause a distraction for the actual live event.

Now onto the show!

Actually just very quickly, during this evening while the shit-storm on Twitter was a brewing, they were showing promos to hype up the return of Sheamus. Prepare for the return of your celtic warrior fellas!

The show starts with a brooding Roman Reigns who is nearly foaming at the mouth when he promises to beat both Daniel Bryan and Brock Lesnar in the future.With a cheeky ‘easy there big dig’, Daniel Bryan enters the fray and makes a few comparisons between himself and said big dog.

The two most important being: equal in looks, and that Daniel is the better wrestler. Well, okay then, one of these things doesn’t belong…

Once the Authority enters with a shameless WWE Network plug (it’s only 9.99 but FREE for the month of February for new subscribers), Triple H jumps into another plug about him and Sting. Apparently he has until the end of the night to answer. Which is definitely not true, almost end of the night is more like it.

Steph takes a moment to criticize both Roman and Daniel. Roman as of late has been incredibly antagonistic, and Daniel was apparently too brutal in stuffing Kane into a casket.

But bless Daniel Bryan for commenting about some of the things her husband has done in a casket. For example, that time Triple H did Katie Vick in a casket, charming.

Angry with this statement, this leads to a tag team match between our antagonistic fellows, Kane, and Big show. Thus the birth of….

#TeamReigningGoats

Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show, Kane

The Authority watch while commentary keeps calling Roman dumb for putting his WM spot on the line. All the while all of us at home are sobbing at the thought of yet another Big Show and Roman showdown.

Roman and Daniel win by disqualification because Big Show dragged Daniel out in the middle of his ‘yes lock’ on Kane. This leads to Roman going berserk and attacking both of the giants, only to be taken out with a chair courtesy of the Big Show.

Roman then beats Big Show with said chair while Kane entertains Daniel in the ring. Later as Roman is cornered by Kane, the devil’s favorite demon quickly side steps to avoid Daniel’s drop kick. Daniel instead hits Roman, and although he is very apologetic, Roman doesn’t believe that it was not on purpose and shoves Daniel halfway across the ring.

A very entertained Triple H announces that the main event match for the two best friends will be them versus Kane, Big Show, Seth Rollins, and J&J. A 5 on 2 match, how delightful?

Ryback vs. Seth Rollins

Due to J&J interfering with the match, Ryback wins by disqualification. However that is not acceptable by the Authority’s golden child. After a beating, Seth delivers a vicious curb stomp to Ryback.

Paige vs. Brie Bella

All the trash talking done by the Bellas was not enough to guarantee a win for this match. Paige wins the match with her move ‘rampage’. Nikki better kiss her belt goodbye, soon enough it’ll be gone.

Lana and Rusev: The Russian Taunting Duo

Together but mostly led by Lana, they celebrate Cena’s wonderful career….before calling him vulnerable and say that his is awaiting his annihilation. Rusev goes on to spout that he is a hero and will crush his spirit.

Enter John Cena who goes on to tell his usual story of how the people don’t always cheer for him, but he always fights back and comes out on top. Yes, yes we know, you say the same thing every single time, followed by the fact that you’ll supposedly never give up.

With that being said, his comment about Lana having the balls between the two of them sets Rusev off. He charges the ramp after Cena. The two fight, and Rusev takes the cheap shot at Cena by going after his damaged eye and supposedly scratching his cornea.

You go Rusev, you do what we all dream of, clawing his eyes out. Or what cats dream of….

Huh, Rusev is the people’s big, grumpy fat cat that loves to claw John Cena.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt

The general tell of a good match is a chorus of ‘this is awesome’ being heard, which is exactly what happened during this match. The two were all over the ring (and partially outside of it). At some point Bray develops a bloody nose, and dare I say…it works well for him. It just adds to his horrifying and crazy demeanor.

Bray knocks Dolph unconscious outside the ring and throws him back in. After performing ‘sister Abigail’ he further taunts Dolph by performing his signature spider walk. After this creepy showing is done he pins him for the win and drags him outside the ring to…..lift a mat and put it over Dolph.

Well okay, you weirdo.

Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman: The Info Hour

Paul claims that when addressing Brock at WWE HQ some time ago, Roman had pissed his pants. On the other hand Daniel Bryan the overwhelming underdog simply stands no chance against the beast. In summary, Paul states that it does not matter who wins at Fast Lane, because no one will beat the Beast.

Goldust, Stardust vs. Big E, Kofi Kingston (New Day)

When Goldust is in the ring, Stardust immediately leaves. Due to Goldust being distracted by calling out to his brother, Kofi is able to pin him and take the win for his team.

Promo: Renee and Daniel

She raises the question of whether or not Daniel and Roman can coexist for the evening’s main event given what happened earlier in the night. Roman interrupts and states ‘damn right we can’, given the fact that their common enemy is the authority.

Once again, #TeamReigningGoats

Promo: Goldust and Stardust

Dustin, not Goldust attempts to communicate with Cody. After a charming slap, Stardust makes sure to drive home the point that “Cody is dead, Stardust lives”.

Wow, talk about family therapy in the near future…

Hunter and Sting

All Hunter wants is for Sting to accept his challenge and give him an answer already. So alone in the ring, he cries about not getting his response yet, and pokes fun at how it took Sting 14 years to finally do something after HHH manage to take out the competition of other wrestling organizations. With some over the top theatrics, and a jump scare to Triple H that sent him sprawling out in the ring, Sting accepts his challenge.

I repeat, Sting has accepted Triple H’s challenge.

The Usos vs. Tyson Kid, Cesaro

During this match, Naomi and Natalya take the time to yell at each other ringside as their husbands fight inside the ring. Why? I’m not quite sure. Whatever ‘rivalry’ is between them is too forced and doesn’t exactly make the most sense. Then again, I don’t work for creative so I can’t tell them what works and what doesn’t..

But this doesn’t work.

Tyson takes the win after Cesaro knocks Jey off of the turnbuckle. This is of course after he throws Jimmy into the ring as a distraction for the referee.

Hey, no one said it had to be a clean win–okay, it’s supposed to be a clean win, but you have to give them credit for their creativity.

Hall of Fame Inductee:

The newest member to be inducted into the hall of fame is…Rikishi! To be inducted by the Usos! Now isn’t that beautiful?

Sin Cara vs. Mizdow

Believe me, I was shocked that Mizdow was fighting as well. I almost thought the Miz would put a stop to everything and have the match himself. Now, after Mizdow sets up a chair for his boss, the match is immediately stopped as soon as it starts so that the Miz may order him to take off the sunglasses. Geez, talk about degrading.

After being thrown out of the ring Mizdow also has to fetch his boss some water and even go as far as to open the bottle for him. Miz lovingly offers crucial commentary such as “pay attention to your opponent” after distracting the personal assistant. When Mizdow goes for the figure four leg lock, Miz gets on the apron to put a stop to this and remind him to get his own moves.

Sin Cara uses the distraction to his advantage and pins Mizdow for the win.

Promo: Bray Wyatt

…He’s disturbing, okay? What more can I say? Actually, I would like to see him with the Undertaker…

Dean Ambrose vs. Curtis Axel

Once again Curtis is touting his #Axelmania garbage. However he does show that he is hip and up to date on what goes on outside that deep freezer of his by saying that this is his spotlight, and “not even Kanye West can steal it”. I hope you’re proud of yourself Curtis, because I sure am not.

Dean Ambrose enters and puts an end to Axelmania rather quickly with ‘dirty deeds’. He then goes on to call out Bad News Barrett with his own ‘breaking news’. Dean will not stop harassing this man until he gets his title match.

The rebuttal from BNZ (Bad News Zone, get hip to the lingo jabronies) is to throw out a Kim Kardashian reference before announcing that Dean doesn’t deserve a title shot.

Oh dear, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you Barrett, you just insulted the unstable lunatic fringe. This does not bode well for your future.

Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan vs. Seth Rollins, Kane, Big Show, J&J Security.

Before the match can begin, the Authority’s special friends make sure to surround the ring and deliver a beating to their opponents just to get them ready for what’s to come.

During the match Noble gets some fight time. He’s like a little firecracker with the way he shoots into the ring and starts dancing around. Later, Roman keeps Kane from pinning Daniel Bryan. After fighting him off he receives the knock out punch from the Big Show. This leaves Roman unconscious ringside for the majority of the match while Daniel takes a beating.

Eventually Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler come in to save the day just as Daniel is about to be put through the table. As Daniel is back in the ring getting ready to finish Mercury, Roman appears out of nowhere, tags himself in, and spears Mercury before pinning and taking the win.

Daniel is not amused by this in the slightest. He points out that Roman was unconscious for the entire match and eventually shoves the big man. Not one to be shoved around by a little goat man, Roman in turn spears him.

All the while backstage Stephanie and Hunter are watching and looking absolutely impressed with the how Roman is letting the anger consume him and dictate his actions. Stephanie’s face is practically screaming “can we adopt another?”

Perhaps they’ll turn on Seth and instead take Roman under their wing as the new prodigal golden child. Think about it: He’s a big man that doesn’t need security to take care of him. He’s a thoroughbred, he’s built for this, and oh would it just bite Seth in the butt to be dumped in such a way by his surrogate parents.

Although, I am curious as to why Dolph, Rowan, and Ryback would interfere when things were going tough. If John Cena were in this match I could understand it, but considering he was not it does not make sense to me. I would understand Dean running out to help Roman considering that it has been shown multiple times that they are still close to one another. I’ll assume it’s just an attempt to give them more screen time and try to make people believe that they’re not burying these three.

Stay tuned for Thursday night’s Smackdown, where we relive what happened Monday and twiddle our thumbs for two hours.

We will see you on Thursday, yes?