Finally, a Raw live show after the very controversial Royal Rumble where we get some answers. Well, that’s what #TheAnnouncement is supposed to mean at least. The evening starts with the entrance of The Authority, our ever so lovely and charming power couple who love to bend their employees over and–
Whoops, sorry, PG Era, that’s too graphic.
Back to what I was saying. The power couple discusses the outcome of the Super Bowl (spoiler alert the Patriots won). They compare the controversy of that particular sporting event to the controversy surrounding the Royal Rumble.
Hell, they even bring up a ‘#CancelNFLNetwork’ tag, well done you two.
Triple H declares that Big Show and Kane are guilty of being being poor sportsman–but his real gripe is with the Rock. In order to not break kayfabe, they blame Roman’s win on the Rock’s interference. Together the devious duo raise the question of, ‘what would have happened if the Rock didn’t interfere’? Naturally this is supposed to leave viewers to believe that a different winner could have been announced.
(It’s okay, we all know the truth)
After Triple H throws his hissy fit about the Rock (Rock vs HHH at Wrestlmania? Yes?); he throws a hissy fit about Sting. Ah, hissy fits and calling people out, like father, like sell out ninja son, right?
Well, speak of the controversial winner of the Royal Rumble and he shall come. Roman Reigns enters and oh, he looks far less than amused with what the Authority has been saying. His response to the possibility of them taking away his match?
Now let’s take a moment to appreciate the epic staredown between Hunter and Roman which looked as though a brawl would have ensued if someone so much as sniffled.
So, who would you expect to enter when the threat of losing an amazing opportunity looms overhead? That’s right everyone, the beloved Goat Man Daniel Bryan enters the fray. Daniel’s just upset he was stripped of his title and never had a rematch, meaning Daniel now wants a title shot.
At this point Seth Rollins decides he wants to make his presence known. Unfortunately for him he decides to enter right before a commercial break. His mic is off, and Stephanie lovingly points out to her favorite child that they can’t hear him just before it’s cut for commercial. After a long three minutes we return to see Seth enter the ring (and wow, what a long walk down the ramp that must have been), and offers a lovely comment of “Live TV huh?”
Yeah, live TV, tell me about it, because I’ve never been on it.
Seth tells Daniel that Brock Lesnar would eat him alive. In regards to Roman, he points out that his former partner would never have been number one contender if the Rock wasn’t there to save him so he definitely does not deserve it. You know who does deserve it, or rather, who proclaims he does? Seth Rollins, for stealing the show at the Royal Rumble with his triple threat match.
Hunter’s plan to soothe the bickering children is to have Daniel Bryan fight Seth Rollins, then the winner of that match will go on to face Roman Reigns at Fast Lane. Now Roman just has to agree…
Daniel swears he wil beat Seth and take on Roman at Fast Lane.
Seth says Roman can break Daniel in two…and he taunts his former brother by saying if he doesn’t accept this then he doesn’t have the guts to face him. Well, that’s not something you say! Roman agrees, right on time for Big Show to enter.
Big Show vs. Roman Reigns
(For the love of anything in the universe, end this stupid feud between Big Show and Roman)
J&J try to distract Roman but that plan falls through. However towards the end of the match as Roman is setting up for the spear, Seth hits him in the back with his briefcase. This ruins the spear, allowing for Big Show to get the best of Reigns and pin him for the win. Huh, it’s really not his day is it?
Promo: Stephanie and Hunter
The power couple reminisces over how manipulative they were over Roman at the start of the show. Really, they’re head over heels in love with themselves over their successful plan. In regards to the Stone Cold Steve Austin podcast after Raw, Hunter promises to manipulate Austin just like he manipulates everyone else.
So, lots of deflection and dancing around serious questions. Great.
Curtis Axel has been released from the freezer. Well that’s where I assume they keep him considering he’s rarely seen. Taking after those whom preceded him, Curtis whines and cries about how he was never eliminated from the Royal Rumble. This man who has for the most part been unseen decides he wants a chance at Brock Lesnar. All the while the commentators are laughing at him, what audacity!
Dean Ambrose storms in. Wordlessly he climbs into the ring, throws Curtis Axel over the top rope and says” Now you’re eliminated.”
Well done sir.
Dean has decided, over much contemplation, that he would look good up on the wall of WWE HQ with the greats and champions. He’s got some bad news for Bad News Barrett and declares that he will take his title. Curtis Axel climbs into the ring and attacks him once more, but Dean takes him out with Dirty Deeds.
Well, this should be interesting.
Ascension vs. Stardust and Goldust
Ascension pins Goldust for the win (honestly it was a very quick match). Since the match was short, the filler for this round is Stardust bickering with Goldust in the ring before leaving him on his own.
There’s a fault in their stars (
I’m so sorry) because backstage Goldust tries to appeal to an irate Stardust. Apparently, calling him ‘Cody’ only served to make it worse, as the disgruntled brother warns him before leaving.
Ouch, I see a family therapy session in the constellations.
John Cena Pity Party
Does it need to be explained? Something with Triple H deflecting questions, how John Cena is the past, more of his ‘woe is me’ garbage. He ‘officially’ welcomes back Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler to Monday Night Raw. Yes, great, swell job with that Cena. Unfortunately the party is crashed when Stephanie McMahon interrupts and makes three matches for the newly rehired employees to engage in.
Luke Harper vs. Ryback
During this round Ryback displays his amazing strength by flinging Harper around like he’s a rag doll. Ryback wins his match and clearly he is happy to be back.
Jimmy Uso vs. Cesaro
Jimmy is accompanied by Jey and Naomi while Cesaro has Natalya and Tyson in his corner. Jey attempts to keep Tyson from interfering which leads to a brawl outside the ring. Cesaro lands an amazing uppercut to Jimmy allowing him to take the pin and win.
Trying to distract Jimmy from the match apparently wasn’t enough for Tyson. Even after Cesaro wins, he delivers a cheap kick to the head before leaving with the victor and his wife. Well, that’s just not classy.
Promo: Miz and Mizdow
Poor Mizdow, not only must he fetch Miz’s food but now he has to deal with verbal abuse after giving a fan his autograph. The ever so envious Miz fires him, and instead makes him his personal assistant.
Well he’s already treated like a dog, I suppose he might as well have the title too.
Promo: Cena and Rowan
The sympathetic fans ‘aw’ at Rowan’s admission that no one has ever stuck up for him before. He thanks John for doing so, and after getting advice on Rusev, he basically vows to do some damage.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt
This match was all over the place–okay, it wasn’t. That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I just lied to you. It was an athletic match between the two of them showing Dolph’s determination and Bray’s strategic way of fighting.
Bray takes the win with ‘sister Abigail’ and Dolph’s ramen hair is fully cooked.
Promo: The Happy Family (Hunter, Stephanie, Seth)
Seth runs to mommy and daddy and first compliments Stephanie on her workout DVD. Seth, you’re already the favorite child, no need to be such a kiss ass. Seth is worried that Daniel may actually win, so his parents reassure him that Seth is a shoe in for Fast Lane.
At this point Hunter mentions Randy Orton, how they gave him everything but he failed to live up to it all. Foreshadowing to Randy’s return later in the evening…?
I thought so, but nope. He did not show up.
Stephanie however did watch Seth leave and say, with a big grin on her face ‘I like him’. What a proud mother.
Paige vs. Alicia Fox
The Bellas are on commentary, spewing pointless, high school crap that no one wants to hear and instead distracts from the actual match. Paige pins Alicia for the win, but Alicia holds Paige down so the Bellas can spray her with some ‘spray tan’ which is black….something that I hope can wash off.
Real mature, ladies. Well done.
The Miz vs. Sin Cara
The fans desperately want Mizdow. They love and adore him and quite frankly, who wouldn’t?
Well, Miz wouldn’t, but he has issues, he doesn’t count.
Miz is distracted by Mizdow standing on the apron and getting praise from the fans. This allows Sin Cara to pin him for the win.
Mizdow, just punch him, please.
Promo: Bray Wyatt
Creepy Bray is creepy, “I am the new face of fear”
Yes you are, and you can keep that title.
Rusev vs. Erick Rowan
Rusev reminds me of the school bully who is bigger than everyone, no one ever beats him, and yet out of nowhere he throws the worst tantrum anyone has ever seen. Before the match can even begin Rusev pummels Rowan into the mat.
Lana introduces a film of Rusev obliterating everyone he’s faced so far. In short? Cena better wear his big boy undies to Fast Lane.
However, the massive Russian flag that usually drops down got caught. So to cover up this mistake, Rusev and Lana throw an absolute fit and are completely outraged. The audience is supposed to believe this is a ‘bad omen’ for Fast Lane or that Cena supposedly rigged it.
That’s okay. We know someone messed up.
Promo: Roman and Daniel
Daniel approaches Roman about the upcoming match and Fast Lane. Roman declares he doesn’t care who he faces, because either way he will win and will go to Wrestlemania.
Roman was the massive dog in the dog park establishing his dominance and pissing all over the place, and ya know what? It worked! Without having to tell a story about some stupid bean stalk.
I know, I’m still bitter over that. Really, creative? A massive man like that telling a fairy tale about a bean stalk? That makes no sense, Roman would break the bean stalk if he tried to climb it. Obviously.
Main Event: Seth Rollins vs. Daniel Bryan
This match turns into a 4 on 1 match with J&J security and Big Show joining in by ringside. Every time the referee turns his back someone else is attacking the beloved goat man. Hell, even if Seth is down, his loving husband Big Show is there to offer compliments and support when he’s not trying to hurt Daniel.
What a great couple.
Towards the end of the match Roman appears and spears Big Show into the next galaxy. He stalks Seth much like a shark would go after his prey. Rather than spearing Seth, he ends up spearing Mercury, but he does manage to get Seth with the superman punch.
Daniel pins Seth for the win, meaning he will be fighting Roman at Fast Lane….and promises to beat him.
This can go either way. On one hand the fans want Daniel Bryan to win because as usual, they’re only happy if Daniel wins everything he’s in. On the other hand, they need to build Roman up and establish that he can go to WM.
In short: There’s absolutely nothing clear at the moment about what will happen, but don’t be surprised if WWE disappoints.