Welcome back to Smackdown, where two hours of your highly productive Thursday night is used to summarize Monday Night Raw and make you wish for Mondays even more! This weekly, depressing television event starts with the entrance of the Miz and Mizdow for Miz TV.
Poor personal assistant Mizdow is reduced to sitting next to commentary like an obedient puppy while the Miz does his job. Although, maybe it was for the best that Mizdow did nothing. After Daniel Bryan emerges, Roman storms in and interrupts the Miz which….really, you shouldn’t do unless you want to hear him throw a fit. Along with Roman’s grand, angry entrance, he delivers a Superman punch to our host of the evening before grabbing the mic and promising to beat Daniel Bryan and headline Wrestlemania.
Actually, he doesn’t even want to wait for Fast Lane. He wants to get it over with in that moment. Daniel was perfectly okay with this happening, but alas this match could not go on. Whether or not it was lucky for Daniel that they were interrupted we won’t know until Fast Lane when this match actually happens. Seth Rollins the self-proclaimed party pooper enters, and oh is he bitter over Monday.
In contrast, Roman is beside himself smirking with a mischievous glint in his eyes as Seth throws a fit at the top of the ramp. So ,as per word of the Authority, Seth lovingly informs Daniel that he has a 3 x 1 handicap match with him that evening.
Who better than to accompany Seth in the match than his lovely hobbits of J&J Security.
Promo: Miz and Renee
Miz is predictably furious over the ‘failed publicity stunt’ that Roman had pulled on him. I’m assuming he forgot the last time Roman knocked him out on Miz TV but alright. Now Miz has a bone to pick with the large man. To prove that he doesn’t belong in the Main Event of Wrestlemania, Miz challenges Roman to a match later that evening.
Oh dear, I think Miz just likes the taste of Roman’s fist on his mouth at this point. That sounds like something personal that should be dealt with off camera.
Goldust, Stardust vs. Dolph Ziggler, Ryback
Dolph and Ryback have matching belts this evening, how precious? One is ‘the lil guy’ the other of course being ‘the big guy’. Who has which? Well I think it’s rather obvious. At least, I assume it’s obvious…
Anyway, Dolph and Ryback seem to be enjoying themselves during the match. Hell, at one point this duo is dancing and being silly while beating the Rhodes brothers into the mat. Towards the end of the match Goldust wants to be tagged in, and makes the mistake of referring to Stardust as his uh….earth name ‘Cody’.
Naturally this gets the opposite reaction Goldust had wanted. Stardust leaves Goldust in the ring to get pinned by Ryback, their opponents taking the win.
Seriously though, this fault in their stars is now just a rip in the time space continuum. Or some sort of wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing. What shall happen between the dust duo!? Stay tuned…for Monday, I’m assuming, maybe we’ll see a progression I don’t know.
Curtis Axel vs. Dean Ambrose
“You’re not worth it.”
Those were the chants that took place as Curtis Axel entered the ring with a microphone and proceeded to continue crying about the Royal Rumble. Really? Are you not over it yet? Is that how you make yourself known after finally being let out of deep freeze? Crying will not make anyone want you any more, and they will not join you for #Axelmania. This was a cringeworthy rant and it was finally put to an end when Dean Ambrose entered the ring.
After taking the win with ‘dirty deeds’, Bad News Barrett appears on the jumbotron with a rousing edition of ‘BNZ’. Otherwise known as ‘Bad News Zone’.
Well done on that, BNB.
In short, he says that Dean is too much of a lunatic to deserve an Intercontinental title opportunity. Obviously that does not sit well with the lunatic fringe.
Hm, I imagine Barrett’s future is about to get extremely unstable.
Fandango vs. Adam Rose
Ah, yes! The two time fillers are here! The horrible dancer and the disturbing man-child with rage issues!
Said man-child starts the evening off with a trust fall onto his rose buds. However, they drop him which leads to Adam having a fit and beating them before entering the ring. Perhaps this was a poor idea, using all of his strength on his lackeys. Fandango ends up defeating Adam Rose, taking the win with ‘last dance’.
I really, really wish that was your last dance.
Miz vs. Roman Reigns
The always fair Miz (with Mizdow sitting in the corner) starts by calling out Roman. If he wants to headline Wrestlemania, then he’ll have to face someone who actually did it.
Right as Roman gets on the apron the Miz sucker punches and attacks him. Most likely he realized he needed a bit extra leverage on his side in order to defeat the large man. Hell at one point Miz tells Mizdow to do something, but alas Mizdow is only a personal assistant and no longer a stunt double. Therefore, he cannot interfere.
Roman gains the upper hand and spears Miz for the win.
Quite honestly, I’m thrilled that Roman finally has a match that has nothing to do with the Big Show. It’s about damn time!
Rusev vs. Erick Rowan
Poor Rowan, getting quick, lackluster matches. Rusev puts him in the ‘accolade’ submission, getting Rowan to tap out and give him the win.
Promo: Renee and Paige
Paige does admit that she is milky white and a nonconformist. She’s not the cookie cutter diva like the Bellas are, but she does promise to beat Nikki for the belt.
Paige vs. Alicia Fox
To show she means business, Paige wins the match relatively quickly and with ease. She puts Alicia in her ‘PTO’ submission and Alicia quickly taps out of the hold. Looks like Nikki Bella better watch out.
Dinner with the Usos
No, really, Natalya had dinner with the Usos! She, Jimmy, and Naomi were all at a very ‘nice’ restaurant, waiting for Tyson to show up so they could have some sort of double date. Not only does Tyson show up, but he brings along Cesaro to complete the terrible twin duo.
Tyson has notoriously been disrespecting Natalya (on camera at least, this is fictional people). Naomi finally stands up for her, leading to a completely forced and out of nowhere confrontation between the men which leads to Jimmy getting hurt.
Yet Natalya is angry at Naomi for interfering? That’s probably going to lead to a feud between the two of them but this was simply too painfully awkward to endure!
If we’re going to see a match with this group, I’d love to see Naomi and Natalya vs Cesaro and Tyson.
What? It could work, a little vintage Battle of The Sexes a la Trish Stratus and Lita vs Christian and Chris Jericho? It could be great. Obviously the circumstances would be extremely different, not as demeaning, but a mixed match would be fun….if this wasn’t the PG era.
Promo: Bray Wyatt
I will still stand by the fact that this ‘reaper’ is wonderfully disturbing. I know, I know they say ‘don’t fear the reaper’ but if I saw Bray Wyatt the only word coming out of my mouth would be ‘nope’ before fleeing in terror.
Seth Rollins, J&J Security vs. Daniel Bryan
3 x 1 Handicap Match
For the duration of this match, Seth is trash talking and taunting Daniel. Seth pulls off the ‘german suplex’, channeling Brock Lesnar and showing Daniel what he would be up against. The taunting is cruel but also slightly comical (if you’re twisted like I am I suppose), and it’s just another contribution as to why Seth is such a good heel.
While his display as being a heel is great, and the action between these two men is athletic and entertaining, it doesn’t secure the win for Seth. While Roman didn’t need to intervene, the loss was attributed to Mercury tapping out to the ‘yes lock’. Daniel Bryan wins by submission.
His victory however is cut short when on the ramp the bitter, disgruntled former partner Corporate Kane enters and beats him. After dragging him into the ring, it now becomes a 4 x 1 brutal beating. Unfortunately, no one comes to Daniel Bryan’s rescue and he is viciously curb stomped as Seth proclaims this is his time.
Ah yes, this is in fact Seth’s time. The rising star and heel extraordinaire is definitely carving out his own niche within the WWE Universe. While yes, we do joke he is the favorite child of the Authority, he throws fits and temper tantrums that can rival any toddler in their terrible two’s phase…that doesn’t belittle his work as a heel. He may not always outright threaten to curb stomp a hall of famer, but even his subtle actions of taunting and mimicry add to his performance.