The only reason I say that this was ‘oh so Scandalous’ was due to what occurred in the ever-growing social media universe. No, a Bella did not have a nip slip, nor did anyone have sex in a casket (that I know of). Rather, behind the scenes Seth Rollins and his fiancee were discovered to be both perpetrators and victims of some dirty deeds of their own. No, I will not go into a graphic summary of what happened nor supply pictures (that’s in poor taste), but what was occurring behind the scenes actually did manage to cause a distraction for the actual live event.
Now onto the show!
Actually just very quickly, during this evening while the shit-storm on Twitter was a brewing, they were showing promos to hype up the return of Sheamus. Prepare for the return of your celtic warrior fellas!
The show starts with a brooding Roman Reigns who is nearly foaming at the mouth when he promises to beat both Daniel Bryan and Brock Lesnar in the future.With a cheeky ‘easy there big dig’, Daniel Bryan enters the fray and makes a few comparisons between himself and said big dog.
The two most important being: equal in looks, and that Daniel is the better wrestler. Well, okay then, one of these things doesn’t belong…
Once the Authority enters with a shameless WWE Network plug (it’s only 9.99 but FREE for the month of February for new subscribers), Triple H jumps into another plug about him and Sting. Apparently he has until the end of the night to answer. Which is definitely not true, almost end of the night is more like it.
Steph takes a moment to criticize both Roman and Daniel. Roman as of late has been incredibly antagonistic, and Daniel was apparently too brutal in stuffing Kane into a casket.
But bless Daniel Bryan for commenting about some of the things her husband has done in a casket. For example, that time Triple H did Katie Vick in a casket, charming.
Angry with this statement, this leads to a tag team match between our antagonistic fellows, Kane, and Big show. Thus the birth of….
Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show, Kane
The Authority watch while commentary keeps calling Roman dumb for putting his WM spot on the line. All the while all of us at home are sobbing at the thought of yet another Big Show and Roman showdown.
Roman and Daniel win by disqualification because Big Show dragged Daniel out in the middle of his ‘yes lock’ on Kane. This leads to Roman going berserk and attacking both of the giants, only to be taken out with a chair courtesy of the Big Show.
Roman then beats Big Show with said chair while Kane entertains Daniel in the ring. Later as Roman is cornered by Kane, the devil’s favorite demon quickly side steps to avoid Daniel’s drop kick. Daniel instead hits Roman, and although he is very apologetic, Roman doesn’t believe that it was not on purpose and shoves Daniel halfway across the ring.
A very entertained Triple H announces that the main event match for the two best friends will be them versus Kane, Big Show, Seth Rollins, and J&J. A 5 on 2 match, how delightful?
Ryback vs. Seth Rollins
Due to J&J interfering with the match, Ryback wins by disqualification. However that is not acceptable by the Authority’s golden child. After a beating, Seth delivers a vicious curb stomp to Ryback.
Paige vs. Brie Bella
All the trash talking done by the Bellas was not enough to guarantee a win for this match. Paige wins the match with her move ‘rampage’. Nikki better kiss her belt goodbye, soon enough it’ll be gone.
Lana and Rusev: The Russian Taunting Duo
Together but mostly led by Lana, they celebrate Cena’s wonderful career….before calling him vulnerable and say that his is awaiting his annihilation. Rusev goes on to spout that he is a hero and will crush his spirit.
Enter John Cena who goes on to tell his usual story of how the people don’t always cheer for him, but he always fights back and comes out on top. Yes, yes we know, you say the same thing every single time, followed by the fact that you’ll supposedly never give up.
With that being said, his comment about Lana having the balls between the two of them sets Rusev off. He charges the ramp after Cena. The two fight, and Rusev takes the cheap shot at Cena by going after his damaged eye and supposedly scratching his cornea.
You go Rusev, you do what we all dream of, clawing his eyes out. Or what cats dream of….
Huh, Rusev is the people’s big, grumpy fat cat that loves to claw John Cena.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt
The general tell of a good match is a chorus of ‘this is awesome’ being heard, which is exactly what happened during this match. The two were all over the ring (and partially outside of it). At some point Bray develops a bloody nose, and dare I say…it works well for him. It just adds to his horrifying and crazy demeanor.
Bray knocks Dolph unconscious outside the ring and throws him back in. After performing ‘sister Abigail’ he further taunts Dolph by performing his signature spider walk. After this creepy showing is done he pins him for the win and drags him outside the ring to…..lift a mat and put it over Dolph.
Well okay, you weirdo.
Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman: The Info Hour
Paul claims that when addressing Brock at WWE HQ some time ago, Roman had pissed his pants. On the other hand Daniel Bryan the overwhelming underdog simply stands no chance against the beast. In summary, Paul states that it does not matter who wins at Fast Lane, because no one will beat the Beast.
Goldust, Stardust vs. Big E, Kofi Kingston (New Day)
When Goldust is in the ring, Stardust immediately leaves. Due to Goldust being distracted by calling out to his brother, Kofi is able to pin him and take the win for his team.
Promo: Renee and Daniel
She raises the question of whether or not Daniel and Roman can coexist for the evening’s main event given what happened earlier in the night. Roman interrupts and states ‘damn right we can’, given the fact that their common enemy is the authority.
Once again, #TeamReigningGoats
Promo: Goldust and Stardust
Dustin, not Goldust attempts to communicate with Cody. After a charming slap, Stardust makes sure to drive home the point that “Cody is dead, Stardust lives”.
Wow, talk about family therapy in the near future…
Hunter and Sting
All Hunter wants is for Sting to accept his challenge and give him an answer already. So alone in the ring, he cries about not getting his response yet, and pokes fun at how it took Sting 14 years to finally do something after HHH manage to take out the competition of other wrestling organizations. With some over the top theatrics, and a jump scare to Triple H that sent him sprawling out in the ring, Sting accepts his challenge.
I repeat, Sting has accepted Triple H’s challenge.
The Usos vs. Tyson Kid, Cesaro
During this match, Naomi and Natalya take the time to yell at each other ringside as their husbands fight inside the ring. Why? I’m not quite sure. Whatever ‘rivalry’ is between them is too forced and doesn’t exactly make the most sense. Then again, I don’t work for creative so I can’t tell them what works and what doesn’t..
But this doesn’t work.
Tyson takes the win after Cesaro knocks Jey off of the turnbuckle. This is of course after he throws Jimmy into the ring as a distraction for the referee.
Hey, no one said it had to be a clean win–okay, it’s supposed to be a clean win, but you have to give them credit for their creativity.
Hall of Fame Inductee:
The newest member to be inducted into the hall of fame is…Rikishi! To be inducted by the Usos! Now isn’t that beautiful?
Sin Cara vs. Mizdow
Believe me, I was shocked that Mizdow was fighting as well. I almost thought the Miz would put a stop to everything and have the match himself. Now, after Mizdow sets up a chair for his boss, the match is immediately stopped as soon as it starts so that the Miz may order him to take off the sunglasses. Geez, talk about degrading.
After being thrown out of the ring Mizdow also has to fetch his boss some water and even go as far as to open the bottle for him. Miz lovingly offers crucial commentary such as “pay attention to your opponent” after distracting the personal assistant. When Mizdow goes for the figure four leg lock, Miz gets on the apron to put a stop to this and remind him to get his own moves.
Sin Cara uses the distraction to his advantage and pins Mizdow for the win.
Promo: Bray Wyatt
…He’s disturbing, okay? What more can I say? Actually, I would like to see him with the Undertaker…
Dean Ambrose vs. Curtis Axel
Once again Curtis is touting his #Axelmania garbage. However he does show that he is hip and up to date on what goes on outside that deep freezer of his by saying that this is his spotlight, and “not even Kanye West can steal it”. I hope you’re proud of yourself Curtis, because I sure am not.
Dean Ambrose enters and puts an end to Axelmania rather quickly with ‘dirty deeds’. He then goes on to call out Bad News Barrett with his own ‘breaking news’. Dean will not stop harassing this man until he gets his title match.
The rebuttal from BNZ (Bad News Zone, get hip to the lingo jabronies) is to throw out a Kim Kardashian reference before announcing that Dean doesn’t deserve a title shot.
Oh dear, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you Barrett, you just insulted the unstable lunatic fringe. This does not bode well for your future.
Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan vs. Seth Rollins, Kane, Big Show, J&J Security.
Before the match can begin, the Authority’s special friends make sure to surround the ring and deliver a beating to their opponents just to get them ready for what’s to come.
During the match Noble gets some fight time. He’s like a little firecracker with the way he shoots into the ring and starts dancing around. Later, Roman keeps Kane from pinning Daniel Bryan. After fighting him off he receives the knock out punch from the Big Show. This leaves Roman unconscious ringside for the majority of the match while Daniel takes a beating.
Eventually Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler come in to save the day just as Daniel is about to be put through the table. As Daniel is back in the ring getting ready to finish Mercury, Roman appears out of nowhere, tags himself in, and spears Mercury before pinning and taking the win.
Daniel is not amused by this in the slightest. He points out that Roman was unconscious for the entire match and eventually shoves the big man. Not one to be shoved around by a little goat man, Roman in turn spears him.
All the while backstage Stephanie and Hunter are watching and looking absolutely impressed with the how Roman is letting the anger consume him and dictate his actions. Stephanie’s face is practically screaming “can we adopt another?”
Perhaps they’ll turn on Seth and instead take Roman under their wing as the new prodigal golden child. Think about it: He’s a big man that doesn’t need security to take care of him. He’s a thoroughbred, he’s built for this, and oh would it just bite Seth in the butt to be dumped in such a way by his surrogate parents.
Although, I am curious as to why Dolph, Rowan, and Ryback would interfere when things were going tough. If John Cena were in this match I could understand it, but considering he was not it does not make sense to me. I would understand Dean running out to help Roman considering that it has been shown multiple times that they are still close to one another. I’ll assume it’s just an attempt to give them more screen time and try to make people believe that they’re not burying these three.
Stay tuned for Thursday night’s Smackdown, where we relive what happened Monday and twiddle our thumbs for two hours.
We will see you on Thursday, yes?