Luckily for the viewers of Smackdown, the evening does not start with a John Cena mope-a-thon. Instead it bypasses any sort of promo or tantrum thrown in the ring. It jumps right into the first match which happens to end rather quickly.
Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz
A quick clip is shown of Miz belittling Mizdow once more, and reminding everyone that he made both Mizdow and Daniel Bryan since Daniel was once his rookie. Once he arrives to the ring Mizdow is sent elsewhere to fetch him some water, pre-chew his food, or warm up his toilet seat. After a quick ‘Bye Felicia!’ (literally, I’m not kidding), Daniel goes after Miz.
The match ends quickly when Daniel tumbles out of the figure-four leg lock and turns it into the ‘yes lock’. He manages to get Miz to tap out, and therefore wins by submission.
Ryback vs. Kane
“Kane’s not used to being manhandled like that!”
Really? Really?! This was definitely said on purpose.
I’m surprised they didn’t throw out a line about how this was such a quick finish for these men, call it premature–
Okay, I apologize, I’ll stop I know this is a family show. After Kane hurls Ryback out of the ring it was safe to assume that it was all over for Ryback (not really, but we’re supposed to think that way). Ryback ‘surprises’ everyone and hits Kane with ‘shell shock’ before pinning him for the win.
R. Truth vs. Bad News Barrett
For this match Dean Ambrose is on commentary, and it is beautiful. The entire time he is getting into Barrett’s mind. He comments on how Barrett takes no pride in his Intercontinental title. In response, Barrett tries to show his strength and brutality but Dean isn’t the least bit interested in him. This gets under his skin even more, but Barrett isn’t completely mentally destroyed until Dean turns his back on him. It’s so baffling to this man that it completely distracts him allowing for Truth to capitalize and pin him for the win.
Dean, happy with his good work leaves ringside without even looking at his future opponent. Smiling and giving out high-fives, Dean is completely calm, cool, and collected while Barrett is mentally destroyed. Actually, Barrett is more like the neglected troublesome child in school, screaming and doing horrible things for attention but getting none.
Oh, right, Truth was there. Well as for him Dean did comment on how his signature line from ‘Whoomp There It Is’ is from 1993 and completely dated. I suppose that’s less awkward than saying ‘My anaconda don’t’ before a match, but perhaps it’s time to upgrade.
Promo: Bray Wyatt is singing.
This particular song is one he sings to his pets before he puts them down.
Well, alright. I’ll have one ticket out of the country and as far away from this sociopath as quickly as possible please.
The Ascension vs. Xavier Woods, Big E (New Day)
Naturally before the match, Ascension promises to decimate New Day. Seeing as how they are supposed to be the rising tag team to be feared, they follow through. Together they hit Big E with ‘fall of man’ before pinning and taking the win.
Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper
Since being booed out of the Royal Rumble, Roman’s in-ring work has been changing for the better. He’s getting more into his matches, becoming far more brutal than what we expect. It’s reminiscent of the early SHIELD days where he was a heel. So, a more brutal Roman, plus heel tendencies…perhaps we’re moving towards the silent bad ass that Roman is best suited as.
Now as for the match, the fight is both in ring and partially ring side. Harper cuts off Roman’s ‘superman punch’ with a nasty kick to the jaw. Roman instantly rebounds off the ropes and spears him before pinning him and taking the win.
Geez, Roman’s getting hit in the mouth and getting injured all the time. I mean really, he’s taking it in the mouth a lot–oh dear.
I’ve done it again, sorry, that wasn’t PG.
But seriously he’s always taking it in the mouth!
Erick Rowan vs. Big Show
Before Rowan can make it into the ring, Big Show delivers a beating to the man ringside. The two finally move into the ring. Once Rowan says he’s okay to start the match, the beating just continues. Big Show brutally hurts this…um, sensitive little lamb, and delivers a choke slam before pinning him for the win.
Paige vs. Cameron
With the Bellas on commentary, you can always expect some enlightening and beautiful words. All the Bellas can do is comment on Paige’s looks, which is honestly quite a shame. Of all things to include in a feud all they can discuss is appearance.
It’s funny that the twins say Paige just needs to become more classy, considering that they admitted to taking her ring gear “to do the world a favor and see Paige naked”.
Yes, that’s incredibly classy.
In regards to the short-lived match, Cameron doesn’t stand a chance. Paige puts Cameron into the PTO and wins by submission.
All I need is for Paige to take the belt from Nikki at Fast Lane and hit her in the mouth with it. Maybe it’ll knock the middle school mentality out of her.
Promo: Goldust and Renee
They discuss the impending match at Fast Lane between Goldust and Stardust. Goldust just wants his brother ‘Cody’ back, as Stardust has become a cancer that is eating him alive.
Stardust however appears on the monitor behind them and in all his crazy mumbo jumbo, eventually leads on that Cody and Goldust will be no more.
I’m okay with that, Stardust is perfectly demented, I only hope he continues to become more and more sinister.
Jimmy Uso vs. Tyson Kidd
This match simply doesn’t happen. Sure, for a few seconds there’s a few hits exchanged, but Rusev charges the ring like an angry Bulgarian bull. He throws everyone out of the ring, then brutally beats the Usos as a message to John Cena.
While Lana looks on appearing both very fabulous and very proud, he shouts into the microphone in Bulgarian to call out his future opponent. Cena doesn’t show up, and eventually the two leave.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins.
Two things I need to say right now.
1) J&J Security (aka The Hobbits, the gnomes, the children) are banned from ringside.
2) Seth Rollins laughs just like The Penguin making him the heel with the cheesy evil villain laugh.
Onto the match, Kane, Big Show, Ryback, and Rowan all gather around the ring to show support for their comrades. Seth is nearly pinned countless times making it seem as though Dolph will take the win. The two have a fantastic match displaying their athleticism and talent.
However Dolph gets distracted by Kane, allowing Seth to take control of the situation. Seth ultimately wins with a vicious ‘curb stomp’.
Finally, a clean win without security!
But…that’s never enough for the Authority’s golden boy. Seeing that there are five on his side, and only two left in fighting shape, he initiates an attack. Together they destroy Ryback and Rowan, delivering curb stomps to affectively end the night.
Well, all that’s left after the end of the shadow of Monday Night Raw is Fast Lane this Sunday. Perhaps we’ll see the return of Randy Orton to sabotage Seth’s match and lead to a feud worthy of a WrestleMania showdown.
Or…not. I have no idea when that man is returning.