Raw starts with the audience in Nashville, Tennessee giving a nice, warm welcome back to Randy Orton. Mind you, he is absolutely livid that he’s been put out of action for “four freakin’ months” by the Authority’s new favorite child, Seth Rollins. Really, it’s hard to be the older son and be neglected for the younger one.
The emancipated big brother calls out Seth Rollins. The Authority enters–everyone but Seth–and tries to appeal to him. Stephanie sounds slightly scared as she welcomes him back and urges him to rejoin the family. Hell, even Big Show tries to appeal to Randy, who wants nothing more than to bash Seth’s brains in.
Meanwhile Hunter is in the background sulking and being a pouty, miserable man-child because the night before Sting put him in his place.
The similarities between he and Seth are uncanny at this point. The tantrums, the sulking. It’s no wonder Seth is the favorite child, Randy didn’t pick up any of Hunter’s habits.
Stephanie just wants her family back together again. She just wants Randy to ‘come back home’. All she wants is for her two sons to make up and be close once again. Hoping to appeal to Randy, they invite him to a business conference, in which he agrees to go to.
Can anyone really blame them for desperately wanting to get Randy back on their side? The man will take out anyone, he doesn’t care. It’s better to have him on your side than to have him wanting to tear you limb from limb.
Unless you’re into that sort of thing….then I guess you should probably go end his career or something.
Once the ring is cleared out, Bad News Barrett makes his way in and throws a hissy fit over the common thief that is Dean Ambrose stealing his title. Barrett is not interrupted once, but twice.
First by R-Truth joining commentary, claiming he wants a chance at the belt since he has beaten Barrett before. He then tells people to tweet #GiveTruthAChance. Dear lord, do not give him a chance.
Dolph interrupts next, which leads to the first match.
Bad News Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler
This entire match is completely random. R-Truth is on commentary so he can promote himself to get a chance at the IC title. Rather than fight for the title he feels that because he beat BNB previously that he can get a twitter trend to get him a title shot. We’ll see how that works out for him.
Next we have Dolph Ziggler who lost his title, got it back, lost it again and apparently wants it back once more.
Dolph pins Barrett after hitting him with ‘zig zag’.
Enter Dean Ambrose proudly toting the title around. He taunts Barrett with it and mocks him before leaving the ring. In doing so he stares down Dolph before shoulder checking him and leaving.
I’m assuming this may lead to a triple-threat title match at Wrestlemania? Or I suppose quadruple threat if R-Truth actually gets into the match.
Or random plot that will never get resolved.
Promo: Authority and Seth
Seth Rollins looks absolutely alarmed. Really, the facial expression he has is as though Freddy Krueger is standing next to him and licking the side of his face. To be fair, Randy Orton is standing beside him and they’re not exactly the best of siblings at this point.
However, Mama Stephanie will not stand for that. An incredibly salty Stephanie berates Seth and blames him for what happened to Randy just to get the blame away from her and get Randy to want to join the family again. Meanwhile her very mature husband is sulking in the corner like a child who had his toy taken away for misbehaving.
Honestly, this entire family is a hot mess.
Ultimately, Randy shakes hands with Seth, leading Stephanie to name the main even match of the night: Randy Orton and Seth Rollins vs. Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns.
The return of #TeamReigningGoats has arrived!
Prime Time Players vs. The Ascension
In this quick match, Darren ‘surprises’ the audience by quickly pinning Viktor. It’s surprising because well, the Ascension have supposedly been built up to be these unstoppable forces.
Livid, the Ascension brutalizes both Darren and Titus after their loss.
Promo: In Ring: Roman Reigns
Just as Roman is addressing the audience, “To all my doubters–” Daniel Bryan interrupts the party.
At first he seems completely full of vinegar. He admits he was the biggest Roman Reigns doubter, and would internally boo. Daniel goes as far to say “They like Daniel Bryan and they don’t like you.”
Salty, Daniel, slow heel turn approaching?
Daniel talks about how he has more heart than most of the superstars around. Then he says that Roman proved he had more heart than Daniel thought he had. Daniel admits he gave it all he had but Roman still managed to beat him at Fast Lane. Like a civilized man, he congratulates Roman and they shake hands.
A good put-over that did not involve a wimpy defeat or Daniel sugar-coating everything. He addressed all of the issues surrounding Roman and made him look better in the eyes of the skeptics.
Team Reigning Goats is once again friendly with one another!
Just as Daniel leaves the area, Paul Heyman enters. He builds up Roman saying that no matter what the match was, whether it was against the greats like The Rock, Triple H, Stone Cold, Andre the Giant–that his money would always be on Roman.
However after this build up (in which Roman is suspicious and disbelieving the entire time), Paul informs Roman that he is the “Right guy, right place, at the wrong time.” Any other time, Roman could have won Wrestlemania. Paul is saying that he doesn’t stand a chance against Brock Lesnar.
Roman scares Paul by forcing him to stand closer to him, daring him to tell him once again that he will fail. A very confident, and very intimidating Roman Reigns confesses that he plans on brutally beating Brock Lesnar.
Like any other short, easily frightened manager, Paul Heyman flees the ring once all is said and done.
The Usos vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro
Tag Team Champions–Rematch
At one point, the ever so lovely and charming Tyson uses his wife Natalya as a human shield when he’s ringside.
Cesaro knocks Jimmy off of the post which prevents Jey from making a tag.
Towards the end of the match Naomi interferes and hits Tyson, preventing him from getting the pin and winning the match. Livid, Natalya attacks Naomi outside the ring. Considering Naomi interfered, Natalya thinks she can do the same and decides to throw Jimmy off of the turnbuckle. She’s caught by the referee and attacked by Naomi.
This leads to The Usos winning by disqualification, but Tyson and Cesaro retain their championship titles.
Promo: Miz and Mizdow
Miz proclaims that he has won every single title available, and therefore wants to enter the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania. Alright, well, easy there Miz, you have not won the Diva’s title. With the way he behaves, it seems rather fitting for him to go for that title first.
Mizdow however takes the time to thank the Miz for all that he’s done. Since he is no longer a stunt double, the job opportunities are just pouring in for him. There’s a job as a spokesperson waiting for him! While this is wonderful for Mizdow, Miz is absolutely livid.
He’s probably afraid that Mizdow will be more successful than him. Gee, I wonder why.
Promo: Bray Wyatt flirts with a casket.
Really though, he caresses it and gives it such tender love and care. Once more he calls out the Undertaker. The Undertaker has yet to respond, but I’m sure when he eventually does, it’ll be quite a treat.
Not Nude Stardust vs. Jack Swagger
Hey, Stardust is both fully clothed and fully painted! All is right and the stars have aligned for this momentous occasion!
In the middle of the match Goldust walks out onto the ramp and simply watches his brother. The distraction causes Jack to easily take control of the situation. He catches Stardust in the middle of the ‘patriot lock’ and wins by submission.
All the while Stardust seems to be having mental breakdowns left and right, and Goldust is determined to beat Stardust back to normal.
I don’t think that’s how that works…but hey, everyone’s different.
In Ring Hissy Fit: John Cena
John Cena gives who usual, highly forgetful ‘I am the underdog even though I’ve been the top dog for over a decade’ speech. He makes a mistake in pronunciation and calls Rusev’s submission maneuver the ‘accolight’ instead of the ‘accolade’. Listen, if you’re going to cry and try to pull the sympathy card after passing out, at least try to get the name of the submission move you lost to correct. Geez, there’s a way to go about these things man!
Lana and Rusev enter the ring while Cena is trying to gain sympathy. Lana reminds John that he was utterly humiliated and humbled the night before. Rusev once again says something absolutely silly, along the lines of ‘It’s Rusev time’.
Anyone else think he should have broken out into song and dance?
We get the same old ‘keep fighting’ shtick from Cena who issues a request for a rematch against Rusev at Wrestlemania.
Well John, rematch denied by Rusev the Bulgarian Brute.
Promo: Seth corners Randy in the locker room.
Not that way, you perverts.
Seth simply wants to make amends with his estranged brother. Randy however wants none of that, he’s simply doing what’s best four business and considers them on the same page in that regard. All he wants to do is beat Daniel and Roman later on that night.
Seth seems pleased, but really, Seth? You’re the supposed future of the WWE, the infamous ‘Architect’ of the Shield, and you’ll believe Randy?
Oh dear, he’s going o die.
Emma, Paige vs. The Bella Twins
Paige immediately tries to attack Nikki.
Emma pulls her away, and the distraction allows for Brie to pin Emma for the win.
Really? Is there a record for shortest match in Diva’s history because this lasted all of twelve seconds.
What a shame.
Bushwhackers to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, congratulations!
In Ring Hissy Fit: Curtis Axel
This man supposedly has yet to be eliminated from the Royal Rumble. I suppose he’s forgotten the fact that the first time he threw this fit, Dean Ambrose threw him over the top rope and said ‘now you’re eliminated’.
He goes off into another tangent about #Axelmania and enters himself into the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. His ex tag team partner Ryback enters the ring and declares “Turn your upper lip south and shut your mouth.”
I’ll admit, that insult was well done Ryback. Ridiculous, but well done.
Curtis Axel vs. Ryback
In an instant Ryback wins with shell, shock.
Yeah, don’t have any high hopes for yourself Axel, this isn’t looking good for you.
Seth Rollins, Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns.
With Big Show, Kane, and J&J security at ringside to make sure their precious cargo is safe and sound…Or to make sure Randy doesn’t lose his mind again.
Typical, reliable kiss ass Seth Rollins to introduce Randy Orton into the ring to attempt to further get on his good side.
I’d like to point out that during this match Roman is beside himself in amusement at Seth’s pain. Seth also has a habit of over enthusiastically cheering for Randy. For the entire time Big Show is cheering for Randy as well. Do these two think that praising the Viper will allow them to live longer and not get RKO’ed? I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you boys, he’ll RKO anyone.
Towards the end of the match Seth tags himself in the middle of Randy’s set up for an elevated DDT on Roman. Randy throws a hissy fit. Daniel then tags himself in, and Roman and Daniel share a laugh about that and are rather humorous as they continue the match.
Daniel hits Seth with the ‘running knee’ and pins him for the win.
Meanwhile Randy throws a fit outside the ring. He then dives into the ring and RKO’s Noble and corners Seth. The golden child of the Authority looked absolutely terrified, and no one can blame him, this man is terrifying. Rather than hit him and end his career, he pats him on the shoulder and leaves the ring.
Poor Seth, hit with a false sense of security and relief. It’s clear that Randy is playing mind games with him. Why strike now when everyone expects you too? It’s always best to wait until the victim feels completely comfortable and at ease before striking them.
I mean…I would know nothing about that.
This could be a beautiful feud though, and would lead to a wonderful Wrestlemania match. Granted, the ending of Raw wasn’t as volatile and eye-grabbing as last week’s, it still does a fine job of setting up what’s to come.