Well, WrestleMania was certainly something wasn’t it? Last night was one hell of an ending! An ending, in fact, that did not amuse Brock Lesnar or Paul Heyman in the slightest.
Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar enter the ring, and Brock is already dressed for a fight. Paul talks up his client’s ability to destroy Roman Reigns the night before.
Which of course leads to the crowd chanting ‘suplex city bitch’. Actually, Paul repeating their chant afterwards is even more delightful than Brock’s amusement with his declaration being repeated. Paul goes on to say that Brock almost respects Roman, almost…but Roman has a long way to go.
He then talks up Seth Rollins, the slimy scumbag that cashed in while both competitors were down and made it a triple threat match. He calls him undeserving of the title because he didn’t pin the actual champion. Paul goes on to say a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo that Brock really does not want to do, which instead leads to the declaration of Brock invoking his rematch clause.
Enter Stephanie McMahon to defend her golden child and champion. While she is trying to speak all the crowd can do is chant ‘Ronda Rousey’ who so lovingly beat up both her and her husband the night before.
Stephanie goes on to taunt Brock about his loss and how Seth did so well on the ‘Today Show’, the position that Brock was meant to fulfill. In the end, she gives the ‘OK’ for the re-match to go on when Seth gets back from his long traveling day.
Paul ends the segment by delivering a massive spoiler that the crowd loves, that for the first time in over a decade Brock Lesnar would be wrestling live on Monday Night RAW.
Alright well, someone’s going to bleed tonight…or weasel their way out of it.
Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler
(Otherwise known as the singles match that never happened at WM even though the Universe begged and pleaded for it, so now Creative is trying to make up for their mistake and having it now…although BNB should be the one to get the rematch)
Bad News Barrett is on commentary and he is just full of salt and vinegar, completely bitter over his loss. Huh, second time he loses the title at WM right? How unfortunate.
The match is evenly matched in the beginning, until Daniel put Dolph in the surfboard maneuver, extending it further by holding Dolph’s neck and making the move all the more painful, but Dolph breaks out of it.
There’s bouncing around both inside and out the ring, and the two become remain evenly matched as the night goes on with each one of them nearly gaining a pin.
The two engage in another head-butting fight, and really they both just want enough concussions to end their careers at this point. Eventually Daniel pulls out the running knee and pins Dolph for the win to retain the title. As he’s celebrating, BNB enters the ring and delivers the bull hammer.
Sheamus finally makes his return, damn dude where have you been?!
He returns and fends BNB away, looking like a very historical celtic warrior with his braided beard and mohawk.
Huh, I’m having flashbacks to my high school history classes with the Irish man and the Brit going at it…
Once BNB is gone, Sheamus deceives everyone and betrays Daniel by delivering a harsh brogue kick. He goes on to brutally beat Dolph and hit him with white noise followed by a brogue kick too, because why not make it worse? The crowd hates him and decides to chant ‘you look stupid’.
Like any good heel should, the historic looking celtic warrior eats up the hatred and somehow absorbs the energy behind the hate through his alabaster skin.
Well, that’s one way to make a return that’s for sure.
The Ascension, Tyson Kidd, Cesaro vs. Kofi Kingston, Big E, Lucha Dragons
Cesaro thinks he can man handle the Lucha Dragons since they are so significantly smaller than him and he is inhumanly strong. However, Kalisto serves to be quite the formidable opponent.
While at first it seems that Kalisto is doing poorly, he quickly turns that around. After an impressive back flip off of Cesaro’s shoulders, he pounces on the man and performs this spinning move around his body that quite frankly makes everyone dizzy.
It was like watching a spider ensnare its victim….even though he’s technically a dragon.
It’s such a dizzying move that Cesaro leaves the ring and retreats up the ramp absolutely baffled and definitely not okay with what just happened.
For some reason the crowd does not seem to enjoy New Day, as they chant ‘New Day sucks’ on more than one occasion. That’s okay though, they inhale hate and exhale positivity and hope and rainbows and all that jazz. I think.
Viktor tags himself in on Cesaro when the man is ready to put him away, and that nearly leads to a brawl between the two of them. As expected a fight breaks out between everyone to keep a pin from happening.
In the end that’s not enough, as Viktor and Kalisto are left alone in the ring once again. Kalisto performs salida del sol and pins him for the win.
Promo: Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman
As Brock is impatiently pacing back and forth, Paul enters and informs him that Seth has arrived. Together the two leave, clearly prepared to destroy the golden boy.
Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins
WWE World Heavyweight Championship rematch
Seth enters with J&J and his new belt and he looks as smug as ever. He’s elated to be the champion, and he shows it by shoving the title in Brock’s face and gloating about it. Now Seth gets a loud pop from the crowd…up until he steps out of the ring.
At ringside Seth grabs the microphone before the match even has a chance to begin. The crowd then decides that once again they hate him as he says he feels jet lagged. He complains about his foot hurting from curb stomping both Roman and Brock the night before, and says there will be no rematch.
New Segment: Brock Lesnar loses his shit
Brock wastes no time in rushing out the ring and storming Seth rollins. He throws him into the ring and suplexes him–but it does nothing. Seth lands on his feet like a nimble cat and counters with a drop kick before racing out. Seth somehow manages to escape, and Brock goes on a rampage.
Brock throws the announce table onto the announcers. He takes out J&J security and sacrifices Michael Cole. He brings him into the ring and delivers such a brutal f5 that it knocks Cole’s shoe right off his foot.
Brock’s next victim after taking out the announce team involve a helpless camera man. He prepares to deliver the f5, but Stephanie enters and begs for him to put the man down.
Brock’s definition of putting the man down inolves an f5, of course.
Because of his actions, he loses the chance at a rematch. Stephanie suspends Brock indefinitely, and because he’s livid, Brock simply sacrifices the camera man all over again.
(This was a fantastic way of ensuring that Brock cannot get the title back, allowing Seth to retain the title, all the while not sacrificing anyone’s credibility)
Promo: Stephanie and Renee
Renee approaches Stephanie after the harrowing ordeal and asks her to explain her actions in suspending Brock indefinitely. Stephanie explains her decision to Renee as though the woman is a complete and total moron who can’t comprehend what just happened.
Stephanie goes on to say that Brock will get his rematch when she says he will get his rematch. She proposes fining him for all of the physical and emotion damage….oh! There’s one more thing.
“He just signed with WWE, that means I own that son of a bitch.”
Way to go Steph, channeling Vince McMahon like a boss.
Mizdow vs. Stardust
Byron is on commentary now since the others were all taken out. He is hardly commenting on the match at all and instead sounding incredibly solemn about what just happened. Although he does manage to refer to Stardust as Goldust on accident. Poor guy, so upset…
While Mizdow enters still impersonating the Miz in every way, he gets quite the massive pop from the crowd who adores him.
The crowd even lends a helping hand by chanting ‘Cody’ to throw Stardust off and incite another short breakdown.
It’s a short match with Mizdow hitting Stardust with the skull-crushing finale before pinning him for the win.
Enter The MIz who is livid that Mizdow just used his finisher. So, Miz hits him with his finisher and stands over him, scolding and berating him for everything he’s done. Miz is sure to remind him that he gave him everything all the while the crowd chants ‘asshole’.
Good stuff, really!
In Ring Promo:Axelmania wants to run wild.
Curtis Axel gloats about how it took 29 men to eliminate him from the battle royal the night before. Axel claims everyone is jealous, and decides to run wild as he rips his shirt off.
Enter Adrian Neville from NXT, ready to end Axelmania.
Curtis Axel vs. Neville
Neville is like a fight sequence from any Batman Arkham game. Really, he never stops moving, there’s constant motion and the intense acrobatics and swiftness makes it all the more interesting to watch.
Neville absolutely dominates the match, ending Axelmania with an amazing red arrow before pinning him for the win.
(Huh, this episode of RAW is certainly an NXT takeover now isn’t it? AWESOME)
In Ring Promo: John Cena
John Cena just loves the musical audience. They sing ‘John Cena sucks’ to his theme, proving how creative they are and thoroughly entertaining him.
The man is already wearing a new shirt, and wow…merchandise was quick on the draw to get the new champ a shirt to sell huh?
John issues an open challenge for his new title. Byron who is still alone on commentary believed it would be Rusev coming out, but he was so wrong.
Enter instead Dean Ambrose, the lunatic fringe who’s hungry for a title.
Dean Ambrose vs. John Cena
United States Championship
In the beginning of the match Dean pulls off an impressive arm-drag to Cena before pinning him. After Cena kicks out he leaves the ring to recover, which makes Ambrose look good showing his strength/skills can match Cena.
Oh yay, Jerry the King Lawler joins Byron for commentary! How convenient!!
John Cena wins the match by countering Dean’s cross-body into the AA and pinning him for the win.
However, John Cena’s win isn’t actually what’s important. What’s important is the match he puts on with Dean.
Dean serves to be an incredibly worthy opponent–dangerous even to Cena’s title reign. Why? He counters a countless amount of AA’s and gets out of the ‘STF’. Hell, he has Cena in his own submission move for quite some time. Ambrose proved to be an incredibly difficult opponent for Cena to take care of.
Dean is distraught when he loses, but nonetheless he and Cena slap hands. He makes sure to vow that he will be back for the title that he desperately wants back.
Promo: Seth Rollins and Renee
In regards to Brock’s actions, Seth claims he’s out of control, and an animal that got what he deserved. In fact he hopes he gets a 7-figure fine for the damages he caused…which quite honestly is a lovely shoutout to Brock’s new contract deal.
Randy Orton enters and so lovingly reminds Seth how before he cashed in his contract, he nearly killed him with an RKO. He confesses that the year before he never got his rematch and he intends on going after the belt.
Kane and Big Show enter as Seth’s back up, and Seth goes back to being smug as always now that he has help. Seth challenges Orton to find two partners for a six-man tag at the end of the night versus himself, Big Show, and Kane.
Huh….well, I wonder who on earth could want to take out Seth?
AJ Lee, Paige, Naomi vs. The Bella Twins, Natalya
Natalya and Naomi start the match, and Natalya dominates by showing her brute strength and agility.
After Brie mocks Paige when she shouts ‘this is my house’, Paige retorts by tackling Brie right out of the ring.
Well then…never question Paige’s home.
AJ and Nikki are in the match and Nikki dominates AJ for a majority of it. She twists her legs into a knot and tries to to get AJ to submit the way AJ made her submit the night before. Nikki makes sure to take out Paige each time she’s near the corner, but she does not manage to take out Naomi who gets tagged in.
Brie is caught in the crossfire when a brawl ensues in the ring. Naomi ducks just in time to get Nikki to knock out her own sister. Naomi capitalizes, hitting her with the rear view before pinning Nikki for the win for her team.
Promo: Randy Orton has a friend!
No, not really. I’m sure he RKO’ed all of his friends long, long ago.
He does however acquire the assistance of Ryback for the tag match later in the evening. The hungry man just wants to be fed more.
Goldust vs. Rusev
Okay this is odd and incredibly random. Had no idea Rusev would have rather faced Goldust than John Cena to get his title back. Interesting…
Rusev in a fit of rage throws Goldust all around the ring before quickly making him submit to the accolade.
Well…that was quick….looks like someone wants quick wins to restart his undefeated streak huh?
Seth Rollins, Big Show, Kane vs. Randy Orton, Ryback, Roman Reigns
So really this match is SBK vs. RRR
…This amuses me greatly.
Seth Rollins wastes no time in getting out of the ring as fast as possible when Roman makes his entrance, surprising the Authority members. To be fair, Roman looks livid after getting pinned last night so…can’t really blame Seth for running.
Ryback and Kane start the match, but when Kane regroups at ringside with his teammates we are in for a treat. An angry, not wanting to waste any time Roman flies right over the top rope and takes the three of them out before quickly getting back in the ring.
The crowd has been vocal all night, and that does not stop in the main event. They have no problem chanting ‘please retire’ or ‘same old shit’ to Big Show and Kane respectively. They even get a wave started at one point which is actually incredibly impressive for such a large crowd.
Roman finally gets tagged in but the crowd still hates him as they mercilessly boo him for what seems to be a never-ending amount of time. Actually, they just boo him every single time he does something which is unfortunate
Ryback does however perform an amazing feat of hitting Big Show with the shell shock.
Seth is gloating in the ring after curb stomping Ryback and Roman tries to get him but Seth slips away.
After Randy RKO’s Kane, Roman spears him and pins him for the win. Roman is still livid and clearly is out for Seth’s blood.
The RAW after WrestleMania was definitely a crowd pleaser. Brock Lesnar going on a rampage was not only thoroughly entertaining (and also concerning–really that guy needs anger management); but it served as an excellent way to keep the title where it resides without making anyone appear weak. There were a few confusing moments such as the previous champions not getting their rematches, but we’ll just have to see where that takes us this Thursday on SmackDown.