RAW: Rampaging Beast 3/30/15

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Well, WrestleMania was certainly something wasn’t it? Last night was one hell of an ending! An ending, in fact, that did not amuse Brock Lesnar or Paul Heyman in the slightest.

Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar enter the ring, and Brock is already dressed for a fight. Paul talks up his client’s ability to destroy Roman Reigns the night before.

Which of course leads to the crowd chanting ‘suplex city bitch’. Actually, Paul repeating their chant afterwards is even more delightful than Brock’s amusement with his declaration being repeated. Paul goes on to say that Brock almost respects Roman, almost…but Roman has a long way to go.

He then talks up Seth Rollins, the slimy scumbag that cashed in while both competitors were down and made it a triple threat match. He calls him undeserving of the title because he didn’t pin the actual champion. Paul goes on to say a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo that Brock really does not want to do, which instead leads to the declaration of Brock invoking his rematch clause.

Enter Stephanie McMahon to defend her golden child and champion. While she is trying to speak all the crowd can do is chant ‘Ronda Rousey’ who so lovingly beat up both her and her husband the night before.

Stephanie goes on to taunt Brock about his loss and how Seth did so well on the ‘Today Show’, the position that Brock was meant to fulfill. In the end, she gives the ‘OK’ for the re-match to go on when Seth gets back from his long traveling day.

Paul ends the segment by delivering a massive spoiler that the crowd loves, that for the first time in over a decade Brock Lesnar would be wrestling live on Monday Night RAW.

Alright well, someone’s going to bleed tonight…or weasel their way out of it.

Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler

Intercontinental Championship

(Otherwise known as the singles match that never happened at WM even though the Universe begged and pleaded for it, so now Creative is trying to make up for their mistake and having it now…although BNB should be the one to get the rematch)

Bad News Barrett is on commentary and he is just full of salt and vinegar, completely bitter over his loss. Huh, second time he loses the title at WM right? How unfortunate.

The match is evenly matched in the beginning, until Daniel put Dolph in the surfboard maneuver, extending it further by holding Dolph’s neck and making the move all the more painful, but Dolph breaks out of it.

There’s bouncing around both inside and out the ring, and the two become remain evenly matched as the night goes on with each one of them nearly gaining a pin.

The two engage in another head-butting fight, and really they both just want enough concussions to end their careers at this point. Eventually Daniel pulls out the running knee and pins Dolph for the win to retain the title. As he’s celebrating, BNB enters the ring and delivers the bull hammer.

Sheamus finally makes his return, damn dude where have you been?!

He returns and fends BNB away, looking like a very historical celtic warrior with his braided beard and mohawk.

Huh, I’m having flashbacks to my high school history classes with the Irish man and the Brit going at it…

Once BNB is gone, Sheamus deceives everyone and betrays Daniel by delivering a harsh brogue kick. He goes on to brutally beat Dolph and hit him with white noise followed by a brogue kick too, because why not make it worse? The crowd hates him and decides to chant ‘you look stupid’.

Like any good heel should, the historic looking celtic warrior eats up the hatred and somehow absorbs the energy behind the hate through his alabaster skin.

Well, that’s one way to make a return that’s for sure.

The Ascension, Tyson Kidd, Cesaro vs. Kofi Kingston, Big E, Lucha Dragons

Cesaro thinks he can man handle the Lucha Dragons since they are so significantly smaller than him and he is inhumanly strong. However, Kalisto serves to be quite the formidable opponent.

While at first it seems that Kalisto is doing poorly, he quickly turns that around. After an impressive back flip off of Cesaro’s shoulders, he pounces on the man and performs this spinning move around his body that quite frankly makes everyone dizzy.

It was like watching a spider ensnare its victim….even though he’s technically a dragon.

It’s such a dizzying move that Cesaro leaves the ring and retreats up the ramp absolutely baffled and definitely not okay with what just happened.

For some reason the crowd does not seem to enjoy New Day, as they chant ‘New Day sucks’ on more than one occasion. That’s okay though, they inhale hate and exhale positivity and hope and rainbows and all that jazz. I think.

Viktor tags himself in on Cesaro when the man is ready to put him away, and that nearly leads to a brawl between the two of them. As expected a fight breaks out between everyone to keep a pin from happening.

In the end that’s not enough, as Viktor and Kalisto are left alone in the ring once again. Kalisto performs salida del sol and pins him for the win.

Promo: Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman

As Brock is impatiently pacing back and forth, Paul enters and informs him that Seth has arrived. Together the two leave, clearly prepared to destroy the golden boy.

Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins

WWE World Heavyweight Championship rematch

Seth enters with J&J and his new belt and he looks as smug as ever. He’s elated to be the champion, and he shows it by shoving the title in Brock’s face and gloating about it. Now Seth gets a loud pop from the crowd…up until he steps out of the ring.

At ringside Seth grabs the microphone before the match even has a chance to begin. The crowd then decides that once again they hate him as he says he feels jet lagged. He complains about his foot hurting from curb stomping both Roman and Brock the night before, and says there will be no rematch.

New Segment: Brock Lesnar loses his shit

Brock wastes no time in rushing out the ring and storming Seth rollins. He throws him into the ring and suplexes him–but it does nothing. Seth lands on his feet like a nimble cat and counters with a drop kick before racing out. Seth somehow manages to escape, and Brock goes on a rampage.

Brock throws the announce table onto the announcers. He takes out J&J security and sacrifices Michael Cole. He brings him into the ring and delivers such a brutal f5 that it knocks Cole’s shoe right off his foot.

Brock’s next victim after taking out the announce team involve a helpless camera man. He prepares to deliver the f5, but Stephanie enters and begs for him to put the man down.

Brock’s definition of putting the man down inolves an f5, of course.

Because of his actions, he loses the chance at a rematch. Stephanie suspends Brock indefinitely, and because he’s livid, Brock simply sacrifices the camera man all over again.

(This was a fantastic way of ensuring that Brock cannot get the title back, allowing Seth to retain the title, all the while not sacrificing anyone’s credibility)

Promo: Stephanie and Renee

Renee approaches Stephanie after the harrowing ordeal and asks her to explain her actions in suspending Brock indefinitely. Stephanie explains her decision to Renee as though the woman is a complete and total moron who can’t comprehend what just happened.

Stephanie goes on to say that Brock will get his rematch when she says he will get his rematch. She proposes fining him for all of the physical and emotion damage….oh! There’s one more thing.

He just signed with WWE, that means I own that son of a bitch.”

Way to go Steph, channeling Vince McMahon like a boss.

Mizdow vs. Stardust

Byron is on commentary now since the others were all taken out. He is hardly commenting on the match at all and instead sounding incredibly solemn about what just happened. Although he does manage to refer to Stardust as Goldust on accident. Poor guy, so upset…

While Mizdow enters still impersonating the Miz in every way, he gets quite the massive pop from the crowd who adores him.

The crowd even lends a helping hand by chanting ‘Cody’ to throw Stardust off and incite another short breakdown.

It’s a short match with Mizdow hitting Stardust with the skull-crushing finale before pinning him for the win.

Enter The MIz who is livid that Mizdow just used his finisher. So, Miz hits him with his finisher and stands over him, scolding and berating him for everything he’s done. Miz is sure to remind him that he gave him everything all the while the crowd chants ‘asshole’.

Good stuff, really!

In Ring Promo:Axelmania wants to run wild.

Curtis Axel gloats about how it took 29 men to eliminate him from the battle royal the night before. Axel claims everyone is jealous, and decides to run wild as he rips his shirt off.

Enter Adrian Neville from NXT, ready to end Axelmania.

Curtis Axel vs. Neville

Neville is like a fight sequence from any Batman Arkham game. Really, he never stops moving, there’s constant motion and the intense acrobatics and swiftness makes it all the more interesting to watch.

Neville absolutely dominates the match, ending Axelmania with an amazing red arrow before pinning him for the win.

(Huh, this episode of RAW is certainly an NXT takeover now isn’t it? AWESOME)

In Ring Promo: John Cena

John Cena just loves the musical audience. They sing ‘John Cena sucks’ to his theme, proving how creative they are and thoroughly entertaining him.

The man is already wearing a new shirt, and wow…merchandise was quick on the draw to get the new champ a shirt to sell huh?

John issues an open challenge for his new title. Byron who is still alone on commentary believed it would be Rusev coming out, but he was so wrong.

Enter instead Dean Ambrose, the lunatic fringe who’s hungry for a title.

Dean Ambrose vs. John Cena

United States Championship

In the beginning of the match Dean pulls off an impressive arm-drag to Cena before pinning him. After Cena kicks out he leaves the ring to recover, which makes Ambrose look good showing his strength/skills can match Cena.

Oh yay, Jerry the King Lawler joins Byron for commentary! How convenient!!

John Cena wins the match by countering Dean’s cross-body into the AA and pinning him for the win.

However, John Cena’s win isn’t actually what’s important. What’s important is the match he puts on with Dean.

Dean serves to be an incredibly worthy opponent–dangerous even to Cena’s title reign. Why? He counters a countless amount of AA’s and gets out of the ‘STF’. Hell, he has Cena in his own submission move for quite some time. Ambrose proved to be an incredibly difficult opponent for Cena to take care of.

Dean is distraught when he loses, but nonetheless he and Cena slap hands. He makes sure to vow that he will be back for the title that he desperately wants back.

Promo: Seth Rollins and Renee

In regards to Brock’s actions, Seth claims he’s out of control, and an animal that got what he deserved. In fact he hopes he gets a 7-figure fine for the damages he caused…which quite honestly is a lovely shoutout to Brock’s new contract deal.

Randy Orton enters and so lovingly reminds Seth how before he cashed in his contract, he nearly killed him with an RKO. He confesses that the year before he never got his rematch and he intends on going after the belt.

Kane and Big Show enter as Seth’s back up, and Seth goes back to being smug as always now that he has help. Seth challenges Orton to find two partners for a six-man tag at the end of the night versus himself, Big Show, and Kane.

Huh….well, I wonder who on earth could want to take out Seth?

AJ Lee, Paige, Naomi vs. The Bella Twins, Natalya

Natalya and Naomi start the match, and Natalya dominates by showing her brute strength and agility.

After Brie mocks Paige when she shouts ‘this is my house’, Paige retorts by tackling Brie right out of the ring.

Well then…never question Paige’s home.

AJ and Nikki are in the match and Nikki dominates AJ for a majority of it. She twists her legs into a knot and tries to to get AJ to submit the way AJ made her submit the night before. Nikki makes sure to take out Paige each time she’s near the corner, but she does not manage to take out Naomi who gets tagged in.

Brie is caught in the crossfire when a brawl ensues in the ring. Naomi ducks just in time to get Nikki to knock out her own sister. Naomi capitalizes, hitting her with the rear view before pinning Nikki for the win for her team.

Promo: Randy Orton has a friend!

No, not really. I’m sure he RKO’ed all of his friends long, long ago.

He does however acquire the assistance of Ryback for the tag match later in the evening. The hungry man just wants to be fed more.

Goldust vs. Rusev

Okay this is odd and incredibly random. Had no idea Rusev would have rather faced Goldust than John Cena to get his title back. Interesting…

Rusev in a fit of rage throws Goldust all around the ring before quickly making him submit to the accolade.

Well…that was quick….looks like someone wants quick wins to restart his undefeated streak huh?

Seth Rollins, Big Show, Kane vs. Randy Orton, Ryback, Roman Reigns

So really this match is SBK vs. RRR

…This amuses me greatly.

Seth Rollins wastes no time in getting out of the ring as fast as possible when Roman makes his entrance, surprising the Authority members. To be fair, Roman looks livid after getting pinned last night so…can’t really blame Seth for running.

Ryback and Kane start the match, but when Kane regroups at ringside with his teammates we are in for a treat. An angry, not wanting to waste any time Roman flies right over the top rope and takes the three of them out before quickly getting back in the ring.

The crowd has been vocal all night, and that does not stop in the main event. They have no problem chanting ‘please retire’ or ‘same old shit’ to Big Show and Kane respectively. They even get a wave started at one point which is actually incredibly impressive for such a large crowd.

Roman finally gets tagged in but the crowd still hates him as they mercilessly boo him for what seems to be a never-ending amount of time. Actually, they just boo him every single time he does something which is unfortunate

Ryback does however perform an amazing feat of hitting Big Show with the shell shock.

Seth is gloating in the ring after curb stomping Ryback and Roman tries to get him but Seth slips away.

After Randy RKO’s Kane, Roman spears him and pins him for the win. Roman is still livid and clearly is out for Seth’s blood.

The RAW after WrestleMania was definitely a crowd pleaser. Brock Lesnar going on a rampage was not only thoroughly entertaining (and also concerning–really that guy needs anger management); but it served as an excellent way to keep the title where it resides without making anyone appear weak. There were a few confusing moments such as the previous champions not getting their rematches, but we’ll just have to see where that takes us this Thursday on SmackDown.

WrestleMania 31: That is What’s Called….BEING OWNED 3/29/15

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Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Stardust vs. Luke Harper vs. R. Truth vs. Dean Ambrose

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match

(BNB really missed an opportunity for his WM ring gear to be a bear cloak with the head of the bear resting on top of his own head. Regal as hell. Luke Harper cleaned up a bit too, keeping the dirty tank top because he’s so classy).

Once the match starts Dean wastes little time, diving in and going immediately for BNB. Less than a minute into the match and everyone is flying. R-Truth is doing back flips, Stardust becomes a falling star, Harper throws Ziggler out of the ring and onto everyone. Really it’s pure chaotic beauty.

Dean climbs onto the ladder and pays tribute to Macho Man Randy Savage as he performs an elbow drop on top of everyone from the very top of the ladder. Of course while everyone is down and out, the fearful of heights R-Truth attempts to climb the ladder. Luckily for him BNB saves him from risking a panic attack one step into the ladder and quickly rips him away from it.

Stardust performs a lovely feat in kicking the ladder out from under Dean, Truth, and Dolph as the three of them attempted to climb to the top. Stardust takes the time to get his own specially bedazzled ‘starbird’ ladder from under the ring. It’s beautiful until BNB destroys it and beats him with his own ladder.

Harper employs an amazing tactic in becoming a helicopter with the ladder, spinning around to hit his opponents. Someone has to give him points for creative use of a ladder, right?

BNB performs a super-plex off the top of the ladder to Stardust, and those two just have to be dead at the moment.

Luke Harper power-bombed Dean from inside the ring through the ladders that were out at ringside, snapping the ladders and Dean in half.

In the end, it’s a head butting match between the goat and the show-off for the title. With one final blow, Daniel knocks Dolph off of the ladder and takes the belt for the win.

Daniel Bryan is now the new Intercontinental Champion

(Now this match was absolutely amazing. There was blood–which is not a reason for it being amazing, but it does show dedication to a good performance. Bodies were flying every which way and the title was nearly won countless times. Each competitor gave it their all and bent over backwards [quite literally, sometimes through ladders] to do so).

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton

(I’ll be the one to point out that Seth’s suit detailing matches his briefcase perfectly. While cool, this makes him look like a rejected member of the X-Men…which no one can fault him for, we all want to be in the X-Men)

The match starts with the two sizing each other up. They dance around one another, Seth teasing Randy like the annoying little brother he is while Randy just wants to get to killing him already.

J&J Security as usual try to interfere, and Randy is having none of this. From the apron, Randy takes the hobbits down with a double DDT. Now Seth’s security is gone and the golden boy of the authority is completely vulnerable. Well, it’s now or never to prove yourself, right?

Seth performs a moon-sault off of the second rope to Randy who is outside the ring. While incredibly impressive, it seems like he snaps his spine in half when he slams into the announcer’s table.

After reversing Seth’s attack into a quick DDT off the rope, Randy decides not to pin him and instead wants to play with Seth a little longer and make him suffer.

There’s an incredibly impressive move where Seth tries to curb stomp Randy. Randy instead stands up which launches Seth high into the air. Mid-air, Randy delivered the RKO and pinned Seth for the win seamlessly and beautifully.

(Throughout the match Seth looks incredibly strong. He gets his share of manhandling Randy, more so then what Randy does to him. It was a great display of what Seth can do and why he’s the top heel of the company. Hell, Seth kicks out of an ‘RKO’ and Randy kicked out of the ‘curb stomp’ showing that they’re equally matched….Or incredibly durable. While Seth did lose, he put on one hell of a beautiful match.)

Sting vs. Triple H

(Of course Triple H gets the omega terminator entrance where Terminator introduces him! It was cool…I mean, I was laughing hysterically because it just seems so odd. Based on that helmet, I’m going to go ahead and assume next year he’s having a Steampunk entrance)

The match begins and all they’ve done is walk around each other, but that’s enough to elicit ‘this is awesome’ chants from the crowd. Later they even chant ‘you still got it’ which is wonderful, good on you guys!

Everyone must also take a moment to appreciate how HHH scrambles away from Sting every time the man gets a move over on him.

Triple H is both alarmed and confused as to what on earth this Sting guy is made out of when a knee-bash to his head does nothing to him.

Sting gets Triple H in the scorpion death lock, but DX all storm the ring to save their beloved best friend. Shout out to the Monday Night Wars right? Sting however has no problem in taking them all out, jumping from the top rope and taking every single one of them down at ringside, just when it seemed like the match was getting stale.

Just as HHH brings out the sledge hammer, the NWO makes an entrance,officially making this WCW vs. WWE.

Just as Sting has HHH in the scorpion deathlock, HHH reaches for the sledge hammer. Hulk takes it away, and that ensues another DX vs NWO battle at ringside. While in the submission move for quite some time, Hunter still does not tap out.

But Shawn Michaels does interfere and hits Sting with some sweet chin music as Sting goes for the submission move yet again.

Now THAT’S a best friend…but while it was quite a valiant effort, it wasn’t enough to put Sting away.

Getting the best most humorous facial expression out of Hunter, Sting breaks his precious sledge hammer and the battle carries on. Using the head of the broken sledgehammer, Hunter takes him out and pins him for the win.

Hunter beat Sting…I suppose this was supposed to mirror the outcome of the WWE beating WCW.

The two officially end the match with a classy hand-shake. Well done, I really thought someone was going to take a cheap shot at the other.

(The match was impressive once both sides came out. The taunting of one another was amusing in the beginning, but it definitely felt stale until their respective teams came out. This match told the story of the Monday Night Wars, and while I wanted Sting to win, it makes sense as to why HHH won.)

Promo: Daniel Bryan and Maria Menounos

Pat Patterson congratulates Daniel Bryan for being the new Intercontinental Champion, a sweet, adorable moment. A certain Roddy Piper even comes over and kisses his forehead before Rick Steamboat congratulates him, plus Ric Flair, and Bret Hart.

In a very adorable manner, they all break out into the ‘yes’ chant before Ron Simmons joins to give his most amazing ‘damn’ before leaving.

Paige, AJ Lee vs. The Bella Twins

Paige and Nikki start the match, and Paige already looks like she’s out for blood. While she has a strong start,  Nikki quickly takes control and shows her strength, slamming her around in the ring before she gives Brie a shot.

Brie dominates the match as well, bending Paige backwards in such a way that physically hurts to watch. Quite honestly this maneuver shows that she’s been training and taking a few pages out of Daniel Bryan’s books. In the mean time the twins make sure to knock AJ out and off the ring every single time she is up, keeping Paige from making a tag.

When AJ is in the match she ends up on Nikki’s shoulders .She counters a possibly brutal slam by sliding and wrapping around Nikki for a DDT, a very impressive counter.

In the end AJ gets Nikki to tap out to the black widow, all the while Paige destroys Brie outside the ring with a particularly brutal slam into the steel steps.

AJ and Paige win!

(This was a great match! Finally each diva was able to showcase their different talents. Each of the four of them have very different move sets that suits their in ring abilities. The divas pulled out all the stops and put on an incredibly impressive and entertaining match)

Rusev vs. John Cena

For the United States Championship

(Lana walks down the ramp like the queen she is with her fur….tail….thing, and Rusev’s belt. All hail the Queen of WrestleMania…and Rusev gets a tank! Not as pretty, not as glamorous, but definitely bad ass! It certainly beats out the Terminator King we had earlier. Cena makes his entrance after a very ‘YEAH ‘MURRICA’ video package. He should have flown in with a flock of bald eagles carrying him.)

Rusev was probably going to eat Eden when she began to announce John Cena before him. Eden quickly fixed that and announced Rusev first, that way Stardust wouldn’t have to go out there and send Rusev into the cosmos.

The match is essentially two Goliaths fighting each other. One just happens to get very angry and shout out a lot while the other enjoys bright colors and making fun of people’s poor vision.Yet during all of this, the crowd cheers for Lana more than any of the competitors actually in the ring.

Lana attempts to save Rusev when he’s stuck in Cena’s ‘STF’ so she does what any bad ass woman would do. She took off her heel and hurled it into the ring.

After launching off the top rope at John, Rusev looks like a giant pitiful baby when John kicks out of the pin.

Rusev charges at John when he’s at the ropes while Lana is trying to distract the referee. John quickly steps to the side, leading to Rusev plowing right into Lana and knocking her off the apron.John performs a quick attitude adjustment before pinning him and winning the US championship.

Rusev screams at Lana (which, don’t do that man, she just tried to help you). There goes the end of Rusev’s undefeated streak and Lana’s ability to walk in high heels for a while.

In Ring Promo: The Authority Always Wins

Stephanie and Hunter gloat about their record breaking attendance of over 76 thousand people and how HHH owned sting. While the two are gloating and talking about how they’re so much better than everyone else, there’s only one man who can be there to defend the people…

Enter….The Rock

By the way, The Authority is so not amused with him walking out there and milking the love of the fans during their special moment. Stephanie is especially un-amused when the crowd can’t stop chanting his name or ‘this is awesome’. Really, the man doesn’t get a single word in for the longest and the crowd just can’t stop.

The Rock is there to defend his people and lay the verbal smack-down upon these two. Hunter initially rejects a challenge by the Rock until the Rock points out that he no longer has any balls. Stephanie however keeps Hunter from fighting him by pointing out that without the McMahons, there would be no Rock.

Of course when Stephanie fails to have a retort when someone sasses her, she slaps him across the face and taunts him to hit a woman. Then she throws him out of the ring, but instead of walking up the ramp, Rock just circles the ring for a little while…but stops in front of Ronda Rousey…and brings her into the ring.

Oh my god, even the crowd chants ‘Ronda’s gonna kill you’. They know.

Stephanie tries to play up the fact that they’re friends, begging Ronda to tell Rock how they’re friends. When that fails points out that any chance of her getting a WM moment just isn’t going to happen no matter what the Rock says. Unfortunately for her Stephanie makes the mistake of throwing Ronda out of the ring.

“You need to understand something Steph. Any ring I step into is mine. If you want me to leave, how about you make me?”

Thankfully Rock tells us all that Ronda’s face means she’s going to reach down Stephanie’s throat and rip out her fallopian tubes for jumping rope.  Hunter tries to defend his wife, and the Rock beats him up a bit before Ronda performs a beautiful take down and kicks him out the ring.

Stephanie makes the mistake of shoving Ronda. Which, you can’t fault her…she wanted to defend her husband’s honor. Unfortunately for Stephanie she was manhandled by the devastatingly dangerous woman, getting thoroughly owned by these two powerhouses.

In the words of that little boy with the tricycle in the Incredibles….

THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!

Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker

(Bray Wyatt’s entrance is disturbingly beautiful. I may have nightmares for days with all those scare crows….but it’s beautiful. Now both his and Undertaker’s entrances aren’t as amazing during day light…but damn, the Undertaker’s presence is enough)

Bray looks absolutely mesmerized by the phenom before he declares that everything will not be taken away from him, that he earned this. Basically…Bray is saying the yard is his now, and Taker won’t stand for it. As he charges the dead man, said man easily raises a massive boot and kicks Bray to the floor with ease.

The crowd chants ‘you still got it’ when Undertaker pulls a vintage move out of his arsenal, and it’s just beautiful. From the very beginning of this match, he’s absolutely dominating the man who called him out., but that all quickly changes.

When Bray gets Taker in the sister Abigail, he mocks the man and looks like a happy child…until Taker reaches up and grabs his throat. He counters the move and performs a devastating choke slam on Bray Wyatt. He then performs the tombstone pile driver and pins Bray….but Bray kicks out at two, baffling the phenom beyond belief.

After breaking out of Bray’s finisher again, Taker hits him with another tombstone pile driver and pins him for the win.

Sorry Bray, you’re not the new face of fear, not yet at least…

21-1—-> 22-1 (or 23-0 for those who refuse to acknowledge last year’s WM)

(The faces these two make towards each other….can someone make a sitcom out of them being absolutely shocked at each other’s sick moves?)

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

(Roman has to get credit for making it through a crowd of thousands of hostile fans who want to rip out his majestic hair. Then there’s Brock who gets his own special introduction at the hands of his wonderful manager Paul Heyman….as any Heyman man should)

Roman attempts to maul Brock right at the start, but Brock wastes no time in taking him out. He thoroughly was manhandled at the very start with a beating in the corner, a suplex, and an f5…but Roman drew blood. That was probably a mistake, once Brock realized he was bleeding, I’m pretty sure the last shred of humanity within Brock snapped.

But…one must admire how Paul casually rests on the apron and stares at Brock admiringly while Roman taunts Brock by laughing at him. Of course…Brock retorts with another suplex and a colorful statement of ‘suplex city bitch’ before the beating continues.

(You know, people give Roman and John Cena crap all the time for having ‘five’ basic moves or whatever. But uh….has no one taken the time to notice that all Brock Lesnar does is the f5 and a suplex?)

When Brock decides to pin Roman after the man is done playing with his carcass, Roman kicks out. Brock’s not sure if he’s amused at this or irritated…or a strange combo of both. Gloves come off and the beating starts again until Brock tries to pin him a second time. Once again, Roman kicks out.

Outside the ring Roman sends Brock head first into one of the pillars and cracks Brock’s head wide open. Roman takes the lead from there with numerous superman punches, spears, and yet the man still kicked out of a pin at two.

After Brock and Roman are both down after an f5…

Enter Seth Rollins TO CASH IN THE MONEY IN THE BANK CONTRACT– NOW A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH

Seth knocks Roman right out of the ring and sets his eyes out on Brock Lesnar, hitting him with a curb stomp. Seth goes for another one, but Brock picks him up for the f5.

Roman practically saves his life and spears Brock in the middle of the move. Seth immediately curbs stomps Roman and pins him for the win.

Seth Rollins is now the new WWE World  Heavyweight Champion

Okay, that was an amazing end! Can we admire how smart of a tactic that was? Why go one on one with the beast Brock Lesnar who basically murders everyone when you can wait till two people are half-dead and go for whoever is weaker? A brilliant move on the part of Seth Rollins, and it must be a phenomenal feeling to close out WM as the new champion after cashing in at WM.

WrestleMania 31 PRE-SHOW: 3/29/15

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The Pre-Show

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. Big E, Kofi Kingston (New Day) vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro

Fatal 4-Way for Tag Team Titles (should have been on the main show)

Cesaro and Kofi starts off the match before Cesaro is quickly tagged out by the Matadores tagging themselves in. Once Cesaro is out the ring he drives Jey Uso right into the barrier. All the while the crowd is chanting for their Swiss Superman.

Really, it’s going to be one big, brutal brawl, especially if you’re Jimmy Uso and your tag team partner has been escorted away from the ring by a trainer.

Jimmy goes on a rampage super-kicking everyone possible all by himself considering his brother is injured. He does deliver rather well when he uses his father’s move in all four corners of the ring.

Uso booty for everyone!

Cesaro manages to pull off an impressive move by suplexing Big E off of the ropes. Well…ouch. Not as impressive, Tyson uses Natalya as a shield, but it is a valid strategy. Natalya makes sure to do her share and get El Torito to tap out to the sharpshooter at ringside. Naomi helps her husband fly off the top rope and the two take out a few competitors at ringside. That results in Naomi and Natalya getting into it where Naomi delivers a wonderful ‘rear-view’ to the pink Hart.

There was a….I suppose…six man suplex? Two towers of three of pure-suplex glory where everyone was taken out.

Cesaro pulls off an impress self-tag, catching Jimmy on the ankle right as he prepares to dive off of the turnbuckle. As the legal man, Cesaro covers Big E and retains the tag team titles for himself and Tyson Kidd.

Well hot damn, what a match. It was amazing, and it definitely should have been on the main show. However, it’s great that they retained their titles.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

The ring just looks like a dangerous place to be at the moment. It is packed to the max with competitors and things are going to get ugly in this skirmish.

Although, everything does stop for Axelmania to run somewhat wild. Once he’s done ripping his shirt off, he body-surfs right out of the ring. Well, not willingly…but it’s quite the feat to see nearly every wrestler lend a hand in throwing him out.

Congratulations Curtis Axel to be the first man eliminated! Sorry you did not get to fully run wild.

It’s lovely to see that Miz’s ring gear is shiny and metallic, whereas his personal assistant is forced to have his ring gear with a matte finish.

Bo Dallas was so excited to eliminate Zack Ryder, that he jumped down to celebrate and run around the ring…effectively eliminated himself. Well…apparently he didn’t go over the top rope, so he was legal, but as soon as he was back in Hideo Itami eliminated him. Either way, that man was not a winner.

The Ascension manages to throw Mark Henry out of the ring–one massive competitor down, several more to go. The Ascension are later eliminated by Ryback.

The New Day puts in a valid attempt at eliminating the Big Show all together, but Big Show manages to eliminate the entire team and stay in the match.

Cesaro shows an amazing feat of strength by throwing Kane over the top rope to eliminate him. Cesaro nearly eliminates Big Show, but this time Big Show is able to throw him out of the ring as payback for last year.

The final three are Miz, Mizdow, and the Big Show–who clearly thinks it will be the easiest thing in his life to do. As usual, Miz’s ‘strategy’ is sending Damien after the Big Show to do the dirty work. However…Mizdow seems to be taking a stand against his horrible boss.

Finally!

Miz’s pleas which include “it’s always been us” seem to do nothing for Mizdow. After some very violent chest-jabbing from Miz, Mizdow declares he quits and throws Miz over the ring in the best possible way, and he continues to fend Miz off as the referees attempt to get his former boss away.

Big Show is mocking Mizdow, challenging him to take him down, knowing that his giant stature would pose as an obstacle for Mizdow.

Mizdow manages to get Big Show over the top rope and on the apron and he does everything he can to get him off which includes biting his hands, but nothing works.

Mizdow is so close to eliminating the Big Show, but apparently he’s just not allowed to win. Big Show wins the battle royal.

So instead of giving Mizdow the push he deserves and the crowd so desperately wants, creative lets the senior wrestler take the win. Yes, I get it, the giant winning the battle royal in memorium of another giant…but Mizdow needed the push far more than this seasoned athlete.

The crowd was already upset with Cesaro’s elimination. The crowd was elated to see the split of Miz and Mizdow, but ultimately, creative failed to deliver by giving Big Show the win.

SmackDown: All Dat Hype 3/26/15

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WrestleMania is so close yet feels just so far away! As a little teaser of what’s to come, SmackDown starts and launches right into a Fatal 4-Way Match!

Big E vs. Cesaro vs. Fernando vs. Jimmy Uso

We’ve got everyone in the punch bowl this evening and as one would expect, it’s a ridiculous free for all. People are flying left and right, jumping off of ropes or being sent out of the ring.

If you’re Big E however, you throw everyone at the same time.

It starts when Cesaro tries to suplex Fernando off of the ropes, Jimmy Uso then joins in and decides to lend a lovely helping hand. Big E did not want to feel left out of the party, so he grabbed everyone and suplexed them all at once.

In the end, Jimmy Uso wins by performing a lovely ‘splash’ off the top turn buckle and pinning Cesaro.

AXXESS Live:

  • Brock Lesnar staying with WWE
  • Shoutout to the audio team for leaving us in an awkward silence during the IC belt promo
  • Fatal 4-Way for tag team titles AND Battle Royal are during the pre-show

Promo:Divas Verbal Brawl

AJ Lee starts the showdown by first calling the Bella twins prissy, pampered mannequins whose asses she will kick. Then she invites Paige out who accuses AJ of simply not wanting Paige to hold the title therefore, obviously ruining the match previously on RAW. Just as these two are about to make up the Bella Twins enter, and really, everyone just wants to be like them.

Nikki Bella calls out AJ’s lack of appearances, even saying that Brock Lesnar worked more days than her and that if AJ held the title she’d never be around to defend it. Nikki claims that she was the one running the show while AJ was gone…and quite honestly? This is finally one of the rare times Nikki cuts a promo that’s actually good and goes beyond the high school attitude.

AJ’s retort is that they are D-List failed actresses that she and Paige do not want to be like. She also says that she and Paige are examples of real women and just…no sweetie, never go there, that’s a whole other storm that can arise from such a comment.

Nikki gears up for a fight, but Brie stops her. Instead as they’re backing up she leaves them with a charming “See you bitches at WrestleMania”. Now that’s how you do a diva’s feud, without the high school petty drama.

John Cena, Mark Henry, Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins, Kane, Big Show, Bray Wyatt

Roman and Seth start the match off, and as ex-brothers do, they simply toy and taunt one another.

Wow, Seth has a horrible tendency to piss off people that he is considered to be brothers with. Someone should look into this pattern, it’s a little concerning.

For a good while, Roman dominates the match, his way of showing how ready he is for WrestleMania this Sunday. Eventually however he does tag in Mark Henry who is simply begging to get into the ring and unleash the sexual chocolate.

….Hm, that doesn’t sound good does it?

At some point while John and Seth are in the ring the crowd seems to be chanting ‘this is awful’. Most likely as a result of the way RAW went off the air since SmackDown was recorded immediately after with the same crowd.  As expected, the crowd is only happy when Daniel Bryan enters the ring to combat Seth.

In the end, after Roman goes ‘super samoan’ (Super-Samoan, can I copyright that?) while Daniel is the legal man, John and Mark lend some helping hands. This ultimately gives Daniel the chance to hit Big Show with the ‘running knee’ before pinning him for the win.

Well, now that two big matches have been moved to the pre-show, one has to wonder just what in the hell are they doing during WrestleMania to need four hours excluding those two matches? Really? Is Triple H going to have a short film for his entrance? Will Bray Wyatt have this elaborate way of floating in like a firefly?

Okay, Bray wouldn’t do that, but it would be quite the sight if he did.

One has to wonder just what they’re doing with this WrestleMania.

Raw: You Got STUNG 3/23/15

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The last RAW before WrestleMania! Which of course means that they need to step it up and pull out all the stops. What better way to do that then to have Sting start us off with the night? It was beautiful really, the man got quite the pop. The energy from the crowd was…dare I say this without the Rock giving me the elbow…electrifying?

Okay, enough of the dumb jokes.

Sting, after a bit of chatter, announces that the one reason he’s there is to take down Triple H, the back stabbing manipulative punk. Now, no one can ever insult Hunter without someone coming to his defense, which leads to Stephanie McMahon entering.

There’s wonderful back and forth between the two of them. She starts with “Now you know what it feels like to make it to the big time” which…um…ow Steph. Damn.

Sting calls her the spoiled brat who believed she earned everything that was actually handed to her. Stephanie retorts with saying that Sting was loyal like a dog to WCW…which means he’s stupid.

Um, Stephanie, dogs aren’t stupid.

She further goes to insult him by thoroughly expressing her disdain for his paint job and calling him a “face-painted freak”. Well, at least she remained somewhat dignified by not calling him a painted whore.

When Sting’s retort is just to ‘whoo’ and wink at her, Stephanie is absolutely appalled. She tries to deliver a cheap shot and slap him across the face but she is caught by surprise when he catches her wrist.

No one stops Stephanie McMahon from slapping a bitch!

The moment Sting catches her wrist, Triple H enters and he is ready to tear this man limb from limb for touching his wife. Stephanie plays up her injury to coax Hunter into fighting with Sting. Once he’s up on the apron the maniacal princess gives him the sledge hammer, and Sting produces his bat from the coat. Sting is taunting him and practically begging Hunter to get in the ring with him while the crowd is eating it all up.

Ultimately, Stephanie coaxes Hunter out of it, telling him to “save it for WrestleMania.”

Oh yes, do save it for WrestleMania, this is going to be a glorious match.

Dean Ambrose, R-Truth vs. Stardust, Luke Harper

Bad News Barrett is on commentary for this evening, a nice change up from R-Truth, no matter how comedic he is.

As soon as the match starts the crowd chants ‘Cody’ which makes Stardust go a little bonkers. To save his partner, Luke Harper covers his ears like an over protective mother to shield him from the chants.

Dean and Truth work well together for this match, as they throw their competitors around both inside and outside the ring. Ultimately R-Truth pins Luke Harper for the win.

After they win, BNB flees with his title so no one beats him up and takes it away again.To celebrate, R-Truth dances in the ring before urging Dean to do so after Dean says he could do that too. Dean dances (or twitches) in the ring, mimicking Truth’s moves.

So…these two seem to have a special friendship, which considering Dean’s track record with people, well, kudos on that..I guess?

Special Olympics Presentation with Renee Young. WWE announces their partnership for the 2015 Special Olympics World Games and urges you to show support!

Promo: ‘Get Hard’ Interview Snippet.

‘Get Hard’ is a movie starring Kevin Hartt and Will Ferrell, you perverts.

The interview is conducted none other than Miz with Mizdow sitting in a child’s chair beside him.

Miz asks about stunt doubles, because the attention must always be focused on him and his own issues. When Will and Kevin seem to support stunt doubles and in fact tell Mizdow that he has a hollywood look (and integrity), Miz gets upset. He tries to send Mizdow away to get water, but instead Will gets up to fetch the water like the perfect gentleman.

Basically, go find the interview on the WWE website and watch it.

Miz, Mizdow, Adam Rose, The Ascension vs. Prime Time Players, Ryback, Erick Rowan, Zack Ryder

Bill Simmons on commentary and being incredibly sassy with JBL.

Right as the match begins the crowd wants Mizdow, obviously favoring the the personal assistant–and oh my god is that Zack Ryder?! The Ascension is there too! We haven’t seen them for awhile now have we?

When Zack gets in the ring he actually gets quite the pop, even his signature ‘woo woo woo’ chant is done by the crowd.  The Ascension are out and of course they are particularly brutal, but don’t get disqualified.

Mizdow gets to wrestle for a little while until The Miz orders him to tag him in, even counting down until he does so.

This was probably a mistake, as he along with his entire team are manhandled by Ryback before getting hit with ‘shell shock’ and getting pinned for the win.

Ryback seems to be a favorite for the Andre Battle Royal, which can be inferred by him obliterating everyone tonight.

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins and J&J Security

(This was voted in by the WWE Universe, well done!)

Randy Orton is foaming at the mouth to get to Seth Rollins, who seems all too happy to be out there. Naturally any time Seth is happy one should always be suspicious.

It’s evident he has no intent on being in the match. Joey goes out first and is brutally slammed into the mat until Orton throws him back and orders him to tag Seth in. Instead, Joey tags in Jamie who has his ankle stomped in with brute force as Seth trash talks the entire time.

As Randy gets into ‘hunting pose’, Seth slips in and tries to take a cheap shot by curb stomping him while he’s down. He misses, but slips away before Randy can get to him.

In the end, Randy hits Jamie with the ‘RKO’ and Seth slips away.

Promo:AJ Lee and Paige

AJ is incredibly suspicious as to why Nikki would let them choose amongst themselves who would face her for the Diva’s title. She feels as though it’s a trap to divide the two of them. Paige agrees, but also says that AJ would be crazy to turn down a championship match.

She did it.

Paige done goofed.

She used the ‘c’ word with AJ…and AJ does not look happy in the slightest with her frenemy’s choice word.

Well, this could be incredibly horrible.

Paige vs. Nikki Bella

Diva’s Championship Title Match

Nikki, the ever so charming Bella that she is, is not happy with the beating she took from Paige while her sister was forced to watch. So to get even, she mocks Paige by doing push ups beside the woman that’s down in pain.

There are countless near falls, but ultimately the match comes to an end due to a mistake.

When Paige and Nikki roll out of the ring, AJ goes and attacks Brie to keep her from interfering. Paige walked over to AJ to keep her from interfering from behind her, causing AJ to throw her elbow back and knock paige out.

Instead of calling the match right there, the ref who was clearly WATCHING this happen didn’t say anything. It should have been an automatic disqualification becase AJ hit a competitor and Nikki still would have retained the title.

But the referee for some odd reason did not call it. Instead he let it go and allowed Nikki to drag Paige into the ring and hit her with ‘rack attack’ before pinning her for the win and to retaining the title.

This leads to a brawl in the ring between Paige and AJ, the soon to be tag team partners at WM.

Obviously they’ll work rather well together.

In Ring Promo: #SnoopMania vs. #AxelMania

Just as Snoop Dogg is hyping up this years WM, Curtis Axel enters looking as orange as ever. He mocks snoopmania and proceeds to sing ‘bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay’ like a true rapper extraordinaire, clearly upstaging the poser he’s in the ring with.

Snoop Dogg then says that he’s missing the most important ‘mania’ of them all…

Enter Hulk Hogan!

What a pop the legend got too, this was kept quite the secret. Axel is shocked to see him, but he doesn’t back down. Hulk looks him over and then begins the verbal bitch slap.

“Well let me tell you something brother…” Then goes on to ask Snoop, who would know better than himself, what the hell Axel is smoking to think he compares to either one of them.

Axel rips his shirt off and mocks Hulk saying the iconic ‘whatcha gonna do’. Now of course this leads to him getting punched and knocked to the ground. Hulk then sacrifices Axel to Snoop Dogg, who picks him up and hurls him out the ring.

The two celebrate, Snoop ripping his shirt off and revealing a Hulk Hogan shirt. The two pose together inside the ring, and Snoop Dogg looks like a child at Disney World having the time of his life alongside this legend.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, Natalya vs. Los Matadores, El Torito

The Usos and Naomi are with commentary tonight. In regards to Jey’s shoulder injury he assures the universe that the Usos are always ready and they’ll be at WM

When Natalya and Torito are in the match, Tyson automatically tags himself in to keep the little bull away from his wife.

However that can only work for so long. After bodies have flown around in every direction and everyone was kicked in the head, Cesaro finally tags Natalya back in.

Natalya goes for the power bomb after Torito kicks out of her pin. Torito counters and manages to pin her for the win.

…Los Matadores won because Torito pinned Natalya for the win. Natalya was pinned by a bull.

Moving on!

Promo:Bad News Barrett and Kane

Kane walks into the locker room just as BNB is having an all too tender and loving moment with his belt. He mocks the man for finally having the title in possession before informing him that he needs to take the title to hang it up in anticipation for WM.

After the title is taken away from him, BNB is left as a pouting child all alone saying: “It’s my bloody title”.

Well, you probably could have had more time alone with your title if you actually knew how to hold onto it.

Rusev vs. Jack Swagger

Of course as soon as the match starts the “We Want Lana” chants begin, they miss his estranged girlfriend.

Rusev wins by submission, getting Jack to tap out to the ‘accolade’ fairly quickly.

This is believed to have been intentional. He won’t let go and doesn’t do so until John Cena runs out, so he did this to lure out the walking billboard. Rusev and John Cena brawl, but Rusev dominates it.

He injures Cena’s back before throwing him around like a little rag doll. He gets Cena onto the announcer’s table and puts him into the ‘accolade’ getting him to pass out on the table before being pried off by several referees.

In Ring Promo: Bray Wyatt

Bray Wyatt calls out the Under Taker. He calls the legend a liar because he hides the fact that he wants his soul set free. Bray promises that the spirits he commands will take Taker’s soul to the other side.

Oh, and that he commands both the light and the dark, all while the mysticism of the Under Taker begins with the presence of what seems to be a powerful thunder storm.

Bray promises that he will take his place among the gods as the new face of fear, ending it all with “At WrestleMania Undertaker you can finally rest in peace.”

Then he does the Under Taker’s pose….and really, he’s just poking the big dog with a sharp stick.

Congratulations to the newest, and final Hall of Fame inductee Kevin Nash aka Diesel!

Promo: Have it Your Way!

Seriously, Burger King’s Chicken Fries are back, and we learn this all thanks to Natalya and Tyson. While Natalya is behind a divider doing her make up, Tyson expresses his immense love for the returning chicken fries. Natalya of course thinks it’s towards her, so when she finally moves and sees he’s only talking about chicken fries…she’s a little upset.

Until she tries one, and it’s just so damn good, even better for her than it was for him, that she just needs a moment alone.

Now that’s love.

Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler

Special Guest referee: Dean Ambrose

Dean Ambrose is perhaps the most laid back but thoroughly entertained referee. A slap fight ensues between Dolph and Daniel, and he is giddy and laughing the entire time. When the fight goes outside the ring, he watches and waits until the last possible second to order them back into the ring.

This is of course after they’ve gone through the time keeper’s area and can barely move.

As per usual the two put on an athletic match that involved being thrown around everywhere and being super kicked into every possible corner. In the end, Dolph wins by hitting Daniel with ‘zig zag’ before pinning him for the win.

Dean helps Dolph up, only to get elbowed by him. In retaliation Dean hits him with ‘dirty deeds’ before bringing out the ladders. Just as he is about to reach the top, BNB enters the ring and rips him off.

This starts a brawl between every future competitor in the ladder match this weekend. The brawl ends with everyone, including the ladder, laid out in the ring.

Promo:Paul Heyman beckons his beast.

Seriously, he just went to make sure the champ was ready to go meet his opponent.

Main Event: Brock Lesnar meets Roman Reigns

Now Brock only meets Roman after Paul Heyman has thoroughly hyped up WrestleMaina to the best of his ability for the final time. He even confirms that he has built up this fight so much and if he hasn’t already convinced you then there’s nothing else he could do to convince you.

Except for cutting another epic, intense, energy spewing promo that will make the non-believers fully believe.

Hell, he tells us that the fight is well worth the mere charge of 9.99 one would pay for the WWE Network where one can view WM as well as endless hours of other content.

Towards the end of his amazing promo, Paul goes a little too far which has even Brock looking at him like he’s insane. He proclaims that Roman Reigns would go into Brock’s house, take his wife, take the food off his children’s plates and rename them ‘Reigns’ and take over everything Brock has….then later alludes to Brock doing the same thing because that’s how badly he will own Roman.

Well, it sounds like these men are just a bunch of kidnappers quite honestly.

Paul ends his speech with ‘You can’t and therefore you won’t”. It’s the perfect cue for Roman Reigns to enter.

When Roman is in the ring with the beast the two circle each other like predators. Tension builds as Brock holds the belt up high, only for Roman to snatch it out of his hands.

Now one would think a brawl would ensue. One would assume Brock would ‘f5’ Roman after getting speared by him. One would think suplexes and superman punches would be thrown around like dollar bills at a strip club but that doesn’t happen.

Instead they play tug of war with the belt like an Eggo Waffle commercial.

This was actually an enjoyable final RAW before WrestleMania. It’s supposed to be that way. It’s the last chance to build up all the feuds and potential matches before it’s time to hit the main stage. They managed to hit the mark for most matches. They had Paul Heyman building up this intense fight between two monsters, two killers.

Now picture this. The massive, hulking beast known as Brock Lesnar at the top of the mountain. He rips apart anyone who scales the mountain and tries to take his prize. Roman Reigns is the sole man to make it up the mountain, but what do they do instead of fight?

They lightly tap each other on the arm and both roll down the side of the mountain like pathetic rollie pollies.

It’s just incredibly peculiar that for such a strong build up, there was a pathetic send off before WrestleMania. They were spoon-fed greatness from Paul Heyman but then they proceeded to vomit everything back up.

It’s just so odd to end RAW that way, especially between two men who are out for blood.

SmackDown: Don’t Poke the Bear 3/19/15

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SmackDown starts with Roman Reigns making an entrance, with all of his cheers shadowed by boos. The man barely gets out one sentence before Mark Henry decides to make another appearance. Mark Henry recaps what happened last week, in which he pushed Roman until the large man speared him into a new century.

After the recap he expresses that he expects Roman to win against Brock Lesnar. Mark does so by almost perfectly quoting Roman’s shirt, “You can, and you will.” How charming, really.

Unfortunately the sweet moment is cut short by the entrance of Seth Rollins with Kane, and his two hobbits. Kane calls Mark Henry a self help guru because of his inspiring words to Roman which…hey, if the shoe fits, right? When Kane is done verbally assaulting them, Seth talks about how the hobbits have hired more security to make sure Randy is out of the arena.

Of course, this is all for Randy’s own good. Obviously if Randy was in the facility he would get the beat down of his life courtesy of Seth Rollins…and everyone his parents have on the pay roll to keep him safe. Really Seth would just stay far away until Randy was immobile.

Seth says he needs a WrestleMania tune up before he fights the viper and that tune up will consist of the main event for the evening being Kane and Seth Rollins versus Mark Henry and Roman Reigns.

Congratulations to the newest Hall of Fame Inductee, ‘The Dragon’, Tatsumi Fujinami

Brie Bella vs. Paige

AJ and Nikki are both on commentary during this match. When AJ is asked about what she’s trying to prove she says that she and Paige are women breaking the mold, and it’s okay to do so and be different and still be successful. On the other end of the spectrum, Nikki says that AJ’s spewing a big ol’ vat o’ crap and that AJ and what she is doing is taking away from the Bellas and their hard work and she silenced them before she left on injury.

Well…..those are some fighting words. Good thing they have a match at WM.

Paige ends the match by countering Brie’s pin. Paige rolls Brie up and pins her for the win.

Promo:Super Secure Hobbits

J and J security make sure that their extra hired security are getting the job done and securing all entrances. Jamie does all the talking and demands authority, while Joey is the more silent fellow. To be fair, I would give up talking too. It’s exhausting.

Gauntlet Match

First:Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust

Stardust is still entertaining in the ring, searching frantically for his precious Ivory Enterprise while Dean is just confused and wondering when on earth they’ll start the match. The ‘Cody’ chants from the crowd seem to throw Stardust off and send him into another mental breakdown. Naturally Dean uses this to take advantage and pin him for the win.

Stardust however is bitter about his loss and continues to assault him after the match.

Second:Dean Ambrose vs. R-Truth

Holy crap, Truth is actually in the ring!

R-Truth runs and and fights with Stardust so he can have his match with Dean. When they manage to get Stardust out, the match finally begins between Dean and Truth…except Stardust still felt a need to interfere. Dean used Stardust’s distraction on Truth to grab him and pin him for the win.

Third:Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper

Luke Harper proves to be more of a challenge for Dean, whether it’s from sheer size and strength or because Dean had previously faced two other opponents. In the end, Dean could not hold out any longer and Luke pinned him for the win.

Quick Promo: Super Secure Hobbits

Don’t worry everyone, these two are still doing everything they can to finally order other people around and make sure the place is safe. Be cautious everyone, there’s a snake afoot!

..Or not…snakes don’t have feet.

Fourth: Luke Harper vs. Daniel Bryan

Probably the most important takeaway from this match aside from these two going all around the ring is one playful move Daniel executed. Now the ‘surfboard’ is hardly playful, it actually seems quite painful. What made it so playful was that during the long time he had Luke in this move, Daniel seemed to be lifting him as though he was lifting weights at the gym.

Right on Daniel, you have fun with your opponents as you’re stretching them and putting them through intense pain…..Actually now this just seems rather concerning.

Daniel eventually gets Luke to submit so he could take the win.

Fifth:Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler

Saving the best for last is a phrase taken quite literally in this instance. Dolph and Daniel have an incredibly athletic match where the two of them are all over the ring. They are throwing each other around everywhere and seem to have great chemistry. There’s constant countering of each other’s moves, some moving one after the other rather seamlessly.

In the end, Dolph wins after hitting Daniel with the ‘zig zag’ and pinning him for the win.

At the end of the match, like two good competitors would do they both shake hands with one another. This does not sit well with Bad News Barrett who miraculously still has his belt.

New record? Possibly.

After berating the both of them he hits them both with the microphone before delivering the ‘bull hammer’ to both men and standing victorious. Well, someone’s a sour puss.

Quick Promo:Hobbit Security Team is Super Safe!

Don’t worry everyone, no need to be alarmed. J&J are STILL making sure that the area is secure and Randy Orton will not be present this evening. With so many precautions, there’s simply no way Randy can appear.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, Natalya, vs. Los Matadores, El Torito

6-Being Interspecies Tag Team Match (What???)

Shortly into the match, Natalya tags herself in on Cesaro which means she has to go against Torito.

Right….so one of the strongest, best divas in the ring right now has to go against El Torito. Actually, she doesn’t even go against him. Natalya doesn’t wrestle in this match, as the little bull does a little dance for her which infuriates Tyson and leads to him tagging himself in.

This match was an insult to Natalya. There’s no diva to fight, but they’re willing to have her wrestle the bull as opposed to one of the Matadors? No woman to fight, not good enough to fight a man supposedly, so she’ll fight a bull. Well, okay.

Oh wait excuse me, Natalya does manage at the very end to execute a move. She catches the little bull and power bombs him into the mat before pinning him for the ring.

Ten seconds of wrestling glory for Natalya, great.

Mark Henry, Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins, Kane

When Mark doesn’t make his entrance the Universe’s attention is brought backstage. An unconscious Mark Henry is laid out on the floor while Zack Ryder, Titus O’Neil and Darren Young seem to want to help…but really are just pointing at him and looking on in shock. Well, they are just awful in emergency situations.

So when Seth and Kane make their entrance not only do they bring J&J with them, but they have four extra security guards as well to keep anyone, namely a particular viper, from interfering.

At first it starts out as a sad beat down on Roman Reigns. It seems a little pathetic, and it appeared as though Roman may lose. Which of course would be horrible, if he couldn’t beat Kane and Seth how could he possibly face Brock Lesnar?

However once Roman gains leverage, it’s all over for not only Seth and Kane, but the hobbits who interfere as well. Roman continues to showcase his strength and brutality as he shamelessly takes out these four men, ending it with a hard spear to Kane to pin him for the win.

As Roman leaves he shoves the extra security aside like they’re just a bunch of pests. As Seth is bitter over his loss, Randy Orton appears out of nowhere, coming up behind Seth and attacking him with a series of punches.

As the security team floods the ring Randy takes care of every single one of them, including executing a double elevated DDT. He hits Seth with his ‘scoop slam’ and is ready to hunt him down and deliver the RKO.

Instead Jamie takes the RKO before Joey too takes an ‘RKO’ in midair. Luckily for Seth, thanks to his hobbits and extra security Seth was able to slither out of the ring and to safety.

With the exception of snubbing Natalya during the ‘interspecies’ match, the matches for the evening were good and entertaining. The build up for the ladder match is leading to a promising match that will surely be talked about well after WM happens.

Roman is showcasing his abilities more to show that he is in fact ready to take on Brock Lesnar. As for Randy and Seth, well, it’s always going to be amusing to watch brothers fight in the ring…even if one’s emancipated–it’s a whole ordeal, really.

As for Monday Night Raw, one can only imagine what type of encounter Randy and Seth will have as WM draws near. Brock Lesnar is going to make an appearance, and that will leave the universe with just a taste of what will come at WM31.

But….let’s not forget, we’re going to see Undertaker soon. So, Monday should have a charming promo of Bray fondling urns, playing with ashes, more disturbing things of that nature for sure.

Raw: Fondling Urns

Standard

Raw starts with an absolutely livid group known as The Authority–minus mom and dad Stephanie and Hunter. Seth Rollins takes center stage and decides to give a long winded speech about betrayal. Naturally, he would know of such a concept because he committed the ultimate betrayal against his Shield brothers.

Oh excuse me, that was not betrayal, that was simply a business decision.

Moving on, after discussing his pain of betrayal by his estranged older brother, Big Show decides to take the microphone. He apologizes to Seth because he feels partially responsible, and quite honestly his heart just feels broken. What a lovely, caring wife he is!

Kane apologizes next. While he takes the time to point out that he’s not as gullible as the Big Show (ouch, what a burn), he still admits to being suckered in.

Jamie Noble shares crucial information with the entire WWE Universe. He’s the Authority’s secret weapon. After indulging us in top secret information,he apologizes and shares even more secrets by confessing that Joey Mercury was hurt the most.

Joey is in fact so hurt, that he can’t even keep his eyes from leaking like a broken pipe. Joey sobs into the gut of the Big Show while Seth and Kane seem absolutely baffled by these two gnomes being over emotional and a supposed secret weapon.

After these disturbing revelations are revealed, Seth agrees to a match at WrestleMania if, and only if, Randy Orton agrees to face him later in the night.

When Randy Orton appears it’s in the middle of Seth preparing to go on another insulting tangent. Immediately cutting off a possible remark that could result in his life ending via an RKO, Seth listens to Randy say he will face him later that night. In fact, he even states that he doesn’t mind if Seth has all of his little helpers with him, because he knows Seth can’t handle his own business like a grown man.

Wow…I mean…sibling rivalries man, these things are tough.

AJ Lee vs Nikki Bella

During this match Booker T makes a horrifying mistake that even has his wife tweeting him during the show. Booker says that women just hate each other, and basically sealed his fate. Michael Cole and JBL were shocked at his statement, the latter even going as far as to saying that Booker T was going to end up on The View. Well, it could happen.

As for the match, it’s exceptionally longer than usual. I goes on to highlight how nimble and quick AJ is and her ability to maneuver around her opponent. It also highlights Nikki’s strength and brutality.

Paige and Brie end up in a brawl outside of the ring. This distracts AJ, allowing for Nikki to capitalize and deliver a right hook to AJ before hitting her with ‘rack attack’ and ultimately pinning her for the win.

Promo: Renee, Kane, Big Show

Kane says that they’ll be in the main event in the night obviously to watch over Seth. Big Show then throws an overdramatic fit about how Kane never talks to him anymore and they have poor communication skills.

Seth walks in and tries to break up the fight by calling them stupid. Both of these massive men get angry at Seth, and Kane confesses that they liked seeing him get beaten by Orton because he’s been a spoiled, entitled brat since Kane won MITB for him. Kane says he won’t be at ringside to help him, and the invitation is extended to Big Show whom we assume will not be in attendance either.

This is proof Seth Rollins was in fact the Architect. He knows how to dig himself a damn good hole.

Ryback vs. The Miz

Mizdow is of course at ringside. He has the pleasure of watching the Miz get eaten by Ryback. Not in that way you sick perverts.Ryback manages to hold Miz at ringside and he urges Mizdow to hit his boss right in the face.

Just when it seems like Mizdow will complete the act that all of us are dying for him to do, Miz breaks free and then proceeds to countdown to Mizdow like one would do to a child. Back in the ring, Ryback hits Miz with ‘shell shock’ before pinning him for the win.

Mizdow, ever the gentleman, climbs into the ring to help Miz up to his feet. Right as Miz gets up he grabs Mizdow and hits him with his ‘skull-crushing finisher’. Well, to most that would seem rude, but quite obviously this is just another way of saying thank you.

Contract Signing: John Cena and Rusev

What a mess this signing was. Actually, mess may not be the right word as hardly a brawl happened. It was more of a joke. Cena goes on a long winded monologue about the greatness of America. He compares the contract to the Declaration of Independence, WM to the Revolution, and continued to hype up the greatness of America.

Oh don’t worry, it gets better.

When Rusev enters in a semi-dashing suit, Lana is not by his side. Instead we are graced with the presence of a man from Iowa community theater with the accent of a Texan man attempting to be Russian but ultimately failing and letting some twang slip out. Seriously, his accent is so bad that it’s all the announcers can talk about. Said fake ‘attorney’ of Rusev’s tries to say there will be no match because Rusev himself did not agree.

After Rusev thoroughly mocked the country and the national anthem in a way that only he can get away with, he quickly signs the contract, flips the desk in John’s direction and flees the ring as fast as a marathon sprinter.

Well done on that Rusev, real intimidating.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro vs. Big E Langston, Kofi Kingston (New Day)

Before the match can even begin Los Matadores make an appearance ringside. They’re fully intent on evaluating their future opponents and perhaps leaving a lasting memory for them.

Towards the end of the match Tyson interferes and takes Kofi’s ‘trouble in paradise’ for Cesaro. What a great partner! Capitalizing on Tyson’s distraction ,Cesaro rolls Kofi up and pins him for the win.

Los Matadores fight at ringside with Xavier Woods, then they sacrifice him to Cesaro who hits him with the ‘neutralizer’. Torito then surprises Cesaro by attacking him and knocking him out the ring.

Well….this should make for an interesting match at WM.

Promo: Seth and the Hobbits

Seth reminds the hobbits that they better not leave him high and dry later that night. Well he doesn’t so much remind them as he does order them because an angry, entitled ninja is a dangerous one. So dangerous in fact, he has the audacity to slap Jamie.

Actually he slaps Jamie and delivers a beautiful insult along the lines of “Go back to whatever backwoods true detective hell hole you came from”. It was beautifully creative.

Angry, Jamie tells Seth that the MITB briefcase went to his head. Jamie quits, and since he quit, his bald sidekick shrugs and quits as well.

Okay, so Seth didn’t dig a fabulous hole. He dug himself an underground paradise.

Promo: The Beast Brock Lesnar

His first line is “I was put on this earth to seek, destroy, and hurt people.”

In summary, he is a contract killer. A very scary, alarmingly large, contract killer. He ends his somewhat concerning promo with the notion that he is “gonna fuck up Roman Reigns. The end.”

His words. Not mine. Seriously.

Big Show vs. Erick Rowan

Poor Erick Rowan! This man can barely catch a break! The match doesn’t even begin before he gets a brutal beating. In fact, there’s no match at all. As soon as he enters the ring Big Show beats him to a pulp before finally delivering the ‘KO punch’ and leaving.

So…Erick Rowan just has horrible luck.

Congratulations to another Hall of Fame inductee for the class of 2015! The newest member is the legendary Larry Zybszko.

Random Andre Battle Royal sampler:

Suddenly after commercial break, Kane is in the ring with several other superstars he apparently invited out. This is supposedly his demonstration of what will happen at the Andre Battle Royal.

Mark Henry appears and announces that he’s going to be in the battle royal. A brawl breaks out once he enters the ring. All the while Curtis Axel does the smart thing by leaving and hanging out near the trophy. Nearing the end of the brawl Kane and Mark are the only two that are left. Axel jumps in as Mark is attempting to throw out Kane, thinking he can get the both of them. Unfortunately for him, Mark is immovable and he dumps Curtis Axel out, leaving him to be the only one left.

So….was….was this a spoiler for WrestleMania? Because if it was….that was incredibly disappointing.

This bit was just weird and felt completely out of place during Raw, as though they just threw it in there and said ‘EH we’ll see what happens’.

In Ring Promo:Paul Heyman

Paul Heyman insists that Brock Lesnar will go above and beyond in hurting Roman Reigns. In fact, he gets so brutal in his descriptions that his microphone gets cut off. Eventually Ursula behind the sound system gives him back his voice and he continues to foretell the future. Actually, he at one point says  “Samoan American’t”

Which…come on, the man deserves some credit for that. American’t, get it? It’s certainly not American.

Roman Reigns enters once Paul mentions his father and boy did Paul Heyman look absolutely alarmed. Roman admits that he respects Paul Heyman while said man is sweating nervously and confessing he is only an advocate. He says that he’s the best talker in the business. Roman addresses the fact that Paul keeps bringing up his family, but he doesn’t see that as trash talking, he clarifies that it’s a warning.

Roman even makes a point of addressing the crowd that is booing him during his speech.

Roman ends the promo by saying that he will “beat Brock’s ass at WM because I can”. Well then, that’s an interesting hobby to have.

Promo: Renee and Paul

Paul Heyman says that Roman is a formidable opponent because he has been keeping his cool as Paul is trying to get under his skin. However, Paul swears that Roman will get his face to face moment with Brock next week on Raw.

Daniel Bryan, Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler  vs. Bad News Barrett, Luke Harper, Stardust

R-Truth is there of course, offering his services and time on commentary. He’s mostly there to watch, and happens to have the championship belt clipped to the back of his jacket like any sane man would do.

At one point Dolph tags himself in, which only angers Daniel (flashback to Roman and Daniel?). Stardust is a riot because he’s running back and forth across the apron like a hyperactive child. Or like the lovechild of the Riddler and a member of the Nova Corps. I swear those are his parents, Riddler and someone from Nova Corps. 

Dolph even manages to make a mistake of ‘super-kicking’ Daniel who’s on the apron after Luke Harper ducks out of the way.

Saving his team, Dean hits BNB with ‘dirty deeds’ and pins him for the win.

Luke then of course throws Dean across the announcer’s table as he has his eyes set on R-Truth for the belt. The title changes hands several times before the actual champion BNB finally gets it back.

Is there a way to put a chip on this belt? Maybe make an app for it? Something like ‘find my iphone’ but obviously call it ‘find my title’.

Promo:Seth complains to mommy and daddy.

Seth complains to Hunter and Stephanie–the latter telling him that he made his own bed. Angry. Seth then spins this argument around on Hunter and asks if he’s “taking a break from playing hide and seek with Sting?” Which….you never, never say to Hunter because he’s ready to kill his golden child.

In the end, Stephanie tells Seth to man up….and quite frankly, I think Seth is about to be disowned and left on some church’s doorstep.

Promo:Bray loving fondles a red urn.

Really, a red urn, he’s quite attached to it. He then goes on to talk about Abigail before saying that undertaker is afraid to show his face because of how brutally beaten he was at the last WM.

With the way he talks about Abigail while fondling the urn and ashes that are inside, I’m starting to believe that he put the chair’s ashes into that urn.

…Okay…I mean…most people throw chair ashes in the garbage but this is okay. That works too. I guess.

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins

Randy is all ready to go for this match, eager to brutalize the golden child. Seth however stops at the top of the ramp and proceeds to activate his evil laughter abilities. He talks about how it took Randy 3 weeks to make the Authority look like complete fools. Yet it only took Seth three hours to make him look like a fool.

Well, someone’s been thoroughly duped.

The Authority then enters, perfectly dressed in suits like the high-class evil doers they are. Randy gets a chair ready because he knows they’re all going to jump him. As they surround the ring the lights go out and a familiar sound is heard. Once the lights are on Sting is standing side by side with Randy Orton in the ring wielding a bat.

Randy has the most confused look on his face that is humanly possible. Coming to terms with his sudden appearance, he and Sting use their weapons to beat up every single person in the ring that tried to attack them.

As a message to Hunter, Sting hits Joey with the ‘scorpion death drop’. Randy then hits Jamie with an ‘RKO’ as a message to Seth Rollins.

So, the father-son duo of Seth and Hunter are going to meet their fate at WM. I haven’t the slightest idea of what will happen this coming Smackdown, but next week is the final Raw before WrestleMania. So, Brock will appear to possibly ‘F5’ or ‘suplex’ Roman all around the ring. In short, it seems like the chaos has only just begun as WrestleMania draws nearer.