Oof–what a fantastic night it was. Honestly, that wasn’t sarcasm, it was a good night to go in Raw.
I mean to watch Raw…Excuse me.
The show began with Seth Rollins taunting Jon Stewart and making the blasphemous statement that he is better than said Daily Show host. After he throughly insults the city of Newark, New Jersey, Roman Reigns makes an entrance and is beside himself with amusement.
“I wanted to hear everyone tell you, ‘you suck’ live.”
Classy statement, Roman.
As a rebuttal Seth claims that he can: out talk John Cena, out-rap Wiz Khalifa (no offense but I’d rather see JR or Michael Cole tackle that rap battle), out eat Mark Henry (okay, that’s quite the feat), and out wrestle Roman Reigns. Seth claims that he is the one that can beat Brock Lesnar, but Roman points out that he already had a chance and failed. Roman then questions if he’s man enough to cash in on Brock Lesnar and have a triple-threat match at Wrestlemania.
Okay, I’m here for that, that would be fabulously entertaining.
After Seth spews a number of possible plans for cashing in, Roman punches him right in the mouth. Once Roman takes out both Seth and his security duo, he lets out a roar in the middle of the ring. The only reason I point this out is because one particular parent of the year ‘Rafiki’d’ his son right in the middle of it.
Meaning, like Rafiki in the Lion King, he held up his small human as Roman roared and it was magnificent.
Promo:Angry Seth is angry.
While Seth is whining about forgetting how hard Roman can hit, Randy enters and scolds the hobbits for letting Roman anywhere near the prodigal child. He tells Seth to demand a match with Roman later in the night to prove that he can in fact out-wrestle him.
Seth proclaims, “I can out wrestle anyone on the roster.” Which…is not something you say to your angry, emancipated older brother who has a pension for beating anyone in his path. Seth also states that he doesn’t want any advice.
Quite frankly, Seth is the dumb child at a zoo poking the massive Silverback gorilla in the face with a twig.
Dean Ambrose vs. Bad News Barrett
Once more we are joined by the fabulous R-Truth who is on commentary with odd, non-sensical phrases that can’t help but to make you chuckle.
Dean starts the match by taunting Barrett with the belt, and by receiving a whole lot of love from the state of New Jersey.
Later BNB taunts Truth with the same title while Dean is thrown out of the ring. He calls Truth a thief and because he was so busy berating the man on commentary, he foolishly gave Ambrose the chance to go for a suicide dive.
As per usual, Truth steals the belt, but this time it’s taken by the disturbing Luke Harper who stood behind Truth’s seat, took the belt, and left. Since Barrett saw Harper leaving with the belt, he lost focus and was hit with ‘dirty deeds’ allowing Dean to pin him for the win.
Honestly, WWE may need to consider checking Barrett out for attention deficit disorder.
Promo: Miz’s Commercial screening.
Miz is happy to screen his commercial for all of the midcard athletes to enjoy. Mizdow tries to talk him out of it but naturally he ignores it. We all have the pleasant experience of seeing that the commercial was for erectile dysfunction (see I nailed it at Smackdown–well, Miz apparently can’t nail anything). The pill is so cleverly called ‘Niagra’.
Which I suppose means if the pill wears off it’s ‘Niagra falls’.
I’m sorry, I’ll stop with the awful jokes.
Miz snaps and screams his movie-star lungs out at Mizdow and eventually smacks him across the face. Mizdow is clearly livid and looks as though he may, for once, hit Miz back. But, ever the classy gentleman, he simply apologies and let’s it go.
As charming as this is, I really, really want to see Mizdow have a psychotic break down and go after the Miz like a nut job. But that’s just me.
Promo:Blazing Bray Wyatt.
No, Bray is not blazing up, it’s not 4/20.
Bray is in fact talking about the Undertaker, questioning if he’s even capable of fighting anymore. He then points out this lovely, hand made wooden coffin he created himself…
…Only to set it on fire with the final message of “Find me”.
Really, that’s so impractical. All that time, all those promos spent building this coffin and you set it on fire? That’s a shame, a damn shame. I was hoping for Undertaker to pop out of the blazing coffin, but unfortunately that did not happen.
Natalya, Tyson Kidd, Cesaro vs. The Usos, Naomi
Six Man Tag Match
Jey and Tyson start the match, but it’s Naomi and Natalya who steal the show. Naomi is dominating her first run in the ring, especially since Natalya is still suffering from her injured leg.
Later in the match Natalya is tagged back in by her husband. Naomi immediately capitalizes on Natalya’s injury and distraction, grabs her from behind and pins her for the win.
Natalya is absolutely livid and screams at Tyson. Cesaro tries to interfere and Natalya turns on him. Like a wise man he immediately backs away and hides behind her husband. Tyson hugs her while she’s screaming, Natalya cries, and Tyson has the face of a man who knows he managed to extend his lifespan just a little longer by hugging her. Well done.
In Ring Promo: New Jersey hates Cena.
Really, the entire time they boo John Cena while he’s crying about losing and not getting a rematch. He plays the ultimate underdog card, even though he hasn’t been an underdog in years, and says he will get back up and do great and all that jazz.
He makes a fatal mistake of entering himself in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal at Wrestlemania. Cue the entrance of Stephanie McMahon who is not happy with this. She feels that Cena is belittling her friend Andre, and denies him being allowed to compete.
As predicted, Cena calls her a bitch, and Stephanie verbally destroys him and puts him in his place. In summary, “Cena doesn’t define WWE” and suggests he sits out this Wrestlemania.
Enter Curtis Axel, the man still in the royal rumble, #Axelmania, and a total #KissAx to Stephanie. He appeals to her by not only complimenting her voice and how lovely she is, but stating that he is also a third generation star and met Andre when he was a kid as well.
But that’s not all folks.
Curtis then belts out a famous and iconic, “Whatcha gonna do when Axelmania runs wild on you?” followed by a shirt rip. Stephanie makes a match between Cena and Axel that if Cena wins he can go to Wrestlemania.
Now we’re left with “dark” Cena threatening him to walk away now or face his wraith!
John Cena vs. Curtis Axel
This was hardly a match at all, probably because John was so livid…apparently.
Curtis spends a great deal of time completely mocking Cena. When that bit is finally over, he’s caught in John’s submission ‘STF’ and quickly taps out.
Rusev then enters and stands by the ramp. He’s going on about his decision when the crowd begins to chant ‘yes’, causing him to say “That’s my decision to make you ignorant Americans!”
Beautiful statement Rusev, thank you.
Rusev declares there will be no rematch, and completely crushes John’s good ol’ American heart.
In Ring Promo: Triple H
Triple H goes on about how Sting lost an opportunity at being immortalized, just to have a match at Wrestlemania. But apparently–according to Triple H at least–he’s fighting with the wrong guy.
Next he brings Booker T into the ring to discuss the reason why Sting never came to WWE before. Booker T basically says that Hunter ruined Sting’s chances. Hunter pokes fun at people on the internet who think they know the inner workings of the industry (charming) and ultimately fires Booker T for no reason at all except for speaking his mind.
But then he proclaims “Just messing with you man you’re not fired” right as Booker is leaving.
Basically? He’s establishing exactly what control is and how much of it he has.
Or if we go the more crude route: he’s whipping his dick out and measuring it with a yard stick to prove how manly he is.
Paige vs. Nikki Bella
Diva’s Championship match
During the match these two are constantly going back and forth with nearly pinning the other. Just as Paige gets Nikki into her ‘PTO’ and almost has her on the verge of tapping out, Brie jumps into the ring and attacks her.
Paige wins the match by disqualification, not allowing for her to get the title. Brie and Nikki gang up on Paige and continue to beat her but….
AJ Lee returns!
To utterly kick the asses of both Nikki and Brie.Paige and AJ both team up to take them out.
Promo: Aj, Renee….and Paige
Aj came back to help “Give Divas a Chance”.
Paige makes a comical quip about Nikki and Bella being both Kardashian and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen wannabes.
In summary AJ leaves with the parting words of ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’ making her and Paige somewhat friends…I guess.
The Daily Show with Seth Rollins!
After it is established by Seth that Newark is the armpit of America, he decides to move onto their first topic being ‘where is Jon Stewart’? Since he doesn’t know where he is, he pokes fun at both the movie Jon directed and his stint at hosting the oscars.
Jon Stewart enters with a very endearing ring entrance, poor man nearly snapped his ankles trying to get through the ropes.
Seth should have known to never mess with a man who is a professional at speaking such as Jon Stewart. One of his remarkable comments about Seth includes: “How could I make a fool out of a man dressed like a swat team stripper with Lady Gaga hair?”
Ah, how poetic, no?
Jon gets onto a more serious note, pointing out that the Authority doesn’t care about Seth. He points out that Seth isn’t fighting for any titles at the moment. He may have the MITB briefcase…but even that isn’t his. Kane had to help Seth get the brief case, and he alludes that the brief case belongs to Dean Ambrose.
Seth is not one for being able to handle the truth very well. He and his little gnomes begin to stalk Jon like lions and corner him in the ring. When Randy comes out Seth and his children are distracted which leads to Jon going for a classic nut shot before running away.
Randy, having witnessed just what happened looks both baffled and amused. Basically, his facial expression says “little brother….did you really just get your balls crushed by an old man?”
Promo: Renee and Jon
Renee tries to talk to Jon, who is distracted the entire time by the thought of Seth appearing out of nowhere to curb stomp him. He does however make time to point out that his classic move is a “left footer to the ‘groinal’ area” he learned in wrestling school. Then he runs away as fast as possible.
Luke Harper vs. Daniel Bryan
Luke Harper starts the match off completely strong and in control. While he has the commanding lead he flings Daniel around like he’s a child…although if we do a size comparison I suppose that’s pretty accurate.
Daniel manages to get Luke into the ‘yes lock’ after taking quite a beating, and he wins the match by submission.
Then the circus act begins.
Barrett enters and tries to take the belt back, only for Dean to run in, deliver an assault, and try to take the belt. Truth gets a hold of the belt and almost leaves but he’s caught by Harper who takes the belt back instead. Then Dolph appears out of nowhere and super kicks him on the ramp before he takes the belt and climbs the top of a ladder, symbolizing that at the 6-man ladder match for the Intercontinental championship he will come out on top.
Geez these people are really not careful with their belongings are they? Playing hot potato with a belt! I hope they know that’s not cheap.
Newest Hall of Fame Inductee: Congratulations to Alundra Blayze!
Promo: Seth is not amused.
Really, he is not amused that an old man such as Jon Stewart got the drop on him and obliterated his nuts.
Randy enters and proclaims that he saved Seth’s career, otherwise the man would have been sued if he laid a hand on Jon. Plus the entire city of Newark would have shanked him for sure.
Randy offers to help Seth out in any way he can, but Kane and the Big Show along with the hobbits enter and say they’ll have Seth’s back. Randy’s help is not needed for the main event later in the evening.
Really? Insulting the man after begging him to join your side? This man is going to RKO everyone in under a minute and quite frankly it’s justified.
In Ring Promo: Paul Heyman, Verbal God
Paul addresses the rumors that have been circulating around Brock Lesnar as of late. He makes sure to point out that Brock will be at Wrestlemania, and anywhere else he damn well pleases. He very cheekily uses the words “believe that” several times, calling out Brock’s scheduled opponent at Wrestlemania.
Throughout his speech his microphone gets turned off numerous times, causing him to lash out even more. The first time it happens he blames it on the audio guy of course being a Jersey native. The second time it happens he gets a microphone from Lillian Garcia and exclaims “About time you did something right.”
Uh, wow, ouch. The man is on fire.
He calls out everyone believing in Roman Reigns, but he’s very, very much against this man winning the belt from his client. Paul goes so far as to say “Brock Lesnar Rhonda Rousey’s your ass” in regards to Roman and his believers.
With a final note of Roman will be conquered by Brock Lesnar “believe that”, Roman enters the ring, and Paul wisely leaves as quickly as he can.
Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins
Seth’s crew makes a special appearance to make sure the golden boy is well protected and supported. During the match Seth keeps rolling out of the ring after a few blows to keep Roman from gaining the upper hand. Meanwhile Roman is just toying with Seth and loving every moment of it.
The crowd however seems to be stuck in January as they chant “Roman sucks” and “you can’t wrestle”.
Randy Orton makes an entrance and watches the match while ringside. He however stays as far away from the Authority as he can, choosing to stand on his own.
One of the hobbits manages to grab Roman’s ankle from ringside. When Roman moves his leg aside he actually manages to pull a hobbit into the ring and it is far funnier than it should be.
J&J are constantly interfering, all the while Roman is displaying amazing feats of strength and brutality. When it seems like Roman is going to deliver a finisher to Seth, Randy very sneakily grabs Roman’s ankle to distract him. Seth capitalizes on the distraction and rolls over Roman to pin him for the win.
Roman is absolutely livid that he lost to his cheating, scumbag ex-brother. To get his revenge he runs and bounces against the ropes before dashing across the ring and jumping over the top rope onto the Authority, minus Randy who had already left.
Dragging them back into the ring, Roman spears the Big Show. He even spears Seth in mid air, nearly breaking the ninja in half.
Honestly it was one hell of an ending to Raw, and it was a strong, very comical episode. I will admit that I did miss seeing the antics of Stardust. The demented outer-space being is absolutely amusing. Perhaps he’ll make an appearance at Smackdown?
As for Sheamus….where is he? This is the second time he’s rumored to have been at Raw but hasn’t made an appearance. So uh, come on fella, enter the ring and brogue kick everyone!