Raw: The Viper’s Bitch 3/9/15

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Welcome to Monday Night Raw, starring The Authority’s favorite mistakes, rejects, adopted children, however you want to refer to them as. Speaking of adopted children, the night starts with Randy Orton heading to the ring to have a little meeting with Kane, Big Show, Seth Rollins, and J&J security.

The meeting, as explained by Kane, is actually an official ‘welcome back’ to Randy. During this time after each member for the most part shares lovely, sugar coated words with Randy. Big Show verbally kisses the Viper’s ass, but when it comes to Jamie he snaps and says:

“He’s a no good snake that can’t be trusted!”

The microphone is then taken away from him and handed to Joey, who can’t even be bothered to speak because he too detests Randy. Seth then goes on to make fun of the WWE Universe because they’re all fools for not trusting Randy (obviously), and then asks for the Authority’s oppinons on the matter. Kane obviously is wary, the hobbits can’t be bothered to say anything, and as for Big Show?

Well, Seth says what we’re all thinking: “No one really cares what Big Show thinks.”

At this point Randy grabs the microphone and asks what on earth happened to the Authority–because they’re all kissing his ass at the moment. He insults every single person there and saves Seth for last. Randy is in Seth’s face as he lays out his exact plan on how he intends on striking when Seth feels the safest because that’s when he’s most vulnerable. Randy ends his ‘scare Seth to death until he’s shaking’ insult with the promise that he’s going to make Seth his bitch.

Wow.

Well, after scaring everyone until they were shaking like cold abandoned puppies, Randy smiles and explains that he was obviously joking. Naturally Big Show’s feelings were hurt but no one really cares.

…And Seth Rollins still doesn’t suspect Randy Orton in the slightest. For someone who was the architect of the SHIELD and orchestrated it’s destruction….he’s become quite the idiot.

Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett

As usual, rather than actually enter a match R-Truth is simply on commentary…with a burlap sack that’s apparently going to hold potatoes he will pick later.

Alright then.

Barrett is particularly brutal, probably because his belt has been stolen yet again and he can’t seem to get it. Or simply chooses not to go after it.

Daniel hits BNB with the ‘running knee’ allowing him to pin the angry Brit and take the win. Livid, as usual, after the match BNB ambushes Daniel and hits him with the bull hammer. As he’s leaving Dean Ambrose  runs down the ramp and plows right through BNB.

No hard feelings, right?

Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust

Behold, in this week’s ‘Who’s Got The Title?’ game, the one who holds it is now Stardust. Stardust takes great time in making sure the belt is safe and secure before the match….and maybe fondles it a little bit too much.

He also goes a little nuts with the ‘Cody’ chants, which seems to amuse Dean.

The match is the lunatic vs the psycho (obviously interchangeable). While amused by Stardust’s antics, that doesn’t distract Dean from his goal. He hits Stardust with ‘dirty deeds’ and pins him for the win.

…Then Bad News Barrett enters to take the belt, then Daniel Bryan, then Luke Harper and Dolph Ziggler all join in turning this into yet another full on brawl. Capitalizing on this distraction, R-Truth sneaks in and grabs the belt, stuffing it into the burlap sack.

When BNB confronts him, Truth gives him the bag before slipping away. BNB eventually checks the bag and discovers he has a fake imitation belt, conveniently from the WWE shop while Truth is holding the real one.

R-Truth, you sneaky punk.

Congratulations to the latest Hall of Fame Inductee. Receiving the inaugural Warrior Award in honor of the Ultimate Warrior himself is Connor Michalek.

In Ring Promo: Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar

Gracing the universe with his presence, Paul watches one of the soon to be many Roman Reigns promos leading up to Wrestlemania.

Once that’s over with, however, he begins possibly the best promo that’s been cut in quite some time. He attacks Roman and his many accomplishments–and also mentions an awkward story about a 9 year old Roman Reigns beating people up.

I don’t know if I was suppose to be giggling at that….but I did.

Paul also brings up a point that manages to get his microphone cut. He talks about how Seth Rollins isn’t man enough to cash in on Brock Lesnar. He talks about there being a whole conspiracy that if Roman can’t beat Brock, the Authority would find a way to strip him of the title to give to Roman so Seth can cash in. Seth is apparently the cheaper champion compared to Brock.

So, Seth is Goya Cola while Brock Lesnar is Coca-Cola.

Paul also throws out a vintage WWE reference in declaring that this WM will not be another ‘Montreal Screwjob’. When he goes on to talk about the brutality in regards to the massive beating Brock will deliver to Roman, his microphone gets cut off. The second time it gets cut off is after Paul already says that Brock can do whatever he wants, and if he wants to unite the UFC and WWE championship titles, he will.

There’s no point in silencing a microphone when it’s Paul Heyman that’s wielding it. He speaks far too fast for anyone to possibly anticipate the right time to strike.

Well done Paul Heyman.

Promo: Impatient Bray Wyatt

“Tonight, find me.”

Uh oh.

Kane, Big Show vs. Erick Rowan, Ryback

The match ends relatively quickly, mostly because the match isn’t what’s important. Rowan manages to pin Kane after the Big Show misses a ‘KO punch’ and instead hits Kane.

The two proceed to bicker like five year olds in the middle of the ring, which leads to Stephanie McMahon making an entrance. Like the mama bear she is, she scolds the both of them. She says that Randy was right about Big Show being a big baby and Kane no longer being the demon he was–they’ve gone soft and they’re weak. She wants the monster and the giant back (be careful what you wish for).

However, they continue to bicker which leads her to order the both of them to leave the arena.

Two down, two to go, eh Randy?

Promo: Miz and Wiz

Seriously.

Miz wants to work with Wiz Khalifa. Unfortunately for Miz, Wiz wasn’t too fond of the commercial that Miz just had. He instead signs the lovely and talented artist  Wizdow to work with him. Wizdow raps and it’s honestly the best rap of the night, and in doing so he announces his entrance in the Andre Battle Royal.

Wiz Khalifa performance here: Which was so awful that Wizdow had to be sent out at the end to get a pop from the crowd. Really, everyone was so bored, every camera shot of the crowd was someone looking completely unamused. But hey, apparently he was high during the performance so….good booking WWE.

Promo: Bellas are Flintstones Characters

And they’re damn proud of their cameo in the moving. So much so that their outfits are a real ‘blast from the past’ for us. During this promo the two go back and forth with awful puns and continue with their high school level trash talk.

AJ Lee vs. Summer Rae

During this match the commentators admire the athletic form of Summer Rae.

AJ counters Summer’s attack and turns it into her ‘Black Widow’ submission, making Summer Rae tap out.

Then she and Paige proceed to do awkward air hugs and fist bumps in the ring. Overall not that impressive of a match.

Promo:We’re supposed to ‘hear from Sting’ tonight, but it’s just one of his WM promos with an odd voice and discussing how he tried to save WCW.

Promo: Rusev is heading to the ring when he’s stopped by John Cena. Cena goes off on a tangent about the good country that gave Rusev the opportunity to wrestle. He then warms him that if Rusev says one bad thing about the USA, he’s going to get hurt.

Curtis Axel vs. Rusev

Rusev attacks him before the match can even begin, which is a typical tactic of this brute. Axel continues on with the match when it actually does start. However, he is quickly put into the ‘accolade’ and taps out allowing Rusev to take the win.

Rusev then grabs the microphone and decides to poke the lion John Cena with a stick. He insults the USA, saying that Americans are spineless, soul-less, and have diseased hearts.

Honestly, could the man be anymore accurate?

John Cena then enters and puts him in the ‘STF’. When Rsuev passes out, he throws water on him and puts him in the ‘STF’ a second time. Lana panics and begs for him to stop. John doesn’t stop until Lana gives him the US Title Match at WM.

Seems like John Cena likes those little heel tricks.

Promo: Bray ‘Impatient’ Wyatt.

“Tonight I raise the dead.”

Okay, you psycho.

Promo: Rusev CRUSH!

No, Rusev does not crush. Rusev gets tended to by a doctor because he was injured! Oh he was not amused in the slightest. He and Lana argue, and it gets so bad that he sends her away.

Ouch.

Cesaro, Tyson Kidd vs. Big E, Xavier Woods

There was an ultimate fail before the match even began. As Tyson and Cesaro were entering to their music, New Day’s video package was playing. That’s awkward…just a bit.

Natalya distracts Tyson during the match, which allows Xavier to counter and pin him for the win.

Then the Usos enter because we get another Diva’s match!

Natalya vs. Naomi

Naomi and Natalya always put on entertaining matches displaying their physicality.

During the match Tyson is shouting, and Natalya is not happy about that at all. Natalya shows her strength and brutality, while Naomi shows skill in countering the ‘sharpshooter’.

Naomi hits Natalya with ‘rear view’ before pinning her from the win.

Then a livid Natalya takes the tag team belt from Tyson and as she’s leaving says it belongs to her.

Well….damn girl.

Los Matadores vs. The Usos

The Usos are just so amused by the Matadores, from the way they move, to the sheer good sportsmanship they exhibited by shaking hands before the match. Regardless of that, the Matadores prove to be quite a problem for the Usos in the ring, as they seem to be evenly matched.

Los Matadores take the win after El Torito poses a distraction….just by being himself.

Promo: J&J Are Afraid!

J&J try to tell Seth that Randy can’t be trusted. Seth however swears that Randy is one of them and wouldn’t dare betray him.

Cue simultaneous face palm by the entire WWE Universe…now!

In Ring Promo: Poetic Bray Wyatt

Bray Wyatt is calling for the Undertaker, establishing himself as the ‘new face of fear’ before opening the urn. At first it seems empty, but once smoke billows out he looks like an amused toddler.

Bray’s chair appears in the center of the ring as Undertaker’s music begins. Undertaker’s voice says: “You will rest in peace”before lightning strikes the chair.

Ah, the ol’ chair for an urn bit.

Now that Undertaker has finally responded, things just got a whole lot more interesting.

Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton, Seth Rollins

2×1 Handicap

Randy and Seth fight in the ring about who will start the match first. Eventually Randy gives in and allows Seth to take the lead.

Which was probably a mistake, because an angry Roman is intent on hurting the golden boy.

The first time Seth tries to tag Randy in, he can’t because Randy is off of the apron too busy fighting with the hobbits. The second time Seth goes for a tag Randy is fighting with the hobbits at ringside and knocks Jamie out. Seeing this, Seth decides that to look cool in front of his big brother that he should send the twins away.

…Well, there goes the other two.

The final time (because everything happens in 3’s) Seth goes from the tag, Randy pulls away at the last second after leading him on. Seth is completely in shock, and Randy’s simple response is to raise his middle fingers up high, utterly shocking the G-rating slapped upon the WWE.

This allows Roman to spear Seth and pin him for the win, but it doesn’t stop there.

Randy enters the ring after Roman disappears, and he begins the most brutal beat down the golden child has taken in quite some time. Randy stalks Seth like the apex predator that he is. Eventually the fight is taken out of the ring and goes into the seating area. The brutality doesn’t stop and Seth is just trying to get away the entire time.

Hell, Seth begs for him to stop, and at one point it sounds like he’s crying.

See? Never try to end your big brother’s career with a curb stomp.

To end Seth’s beating, Randy drags him on top of the announce table and delivers the much anticipated RKO right through it.

Well, Randy did just as he said he would. He made Seth his bitch.

I am dying to know how Stephanie and Hunter are going to react to their two kids not getting along. Really, I can’t imagine either one is happy–unless they just think their golden child isn’t strong enough to be the face of the WWE. Wouldn’t that be something? For The Authority to turn on Seth like that so quickly?

This is going to lead to a promising match at WM. Although I am curious as to what is going on between Goldust and Stardust. Lately nothing has happened between the two of them, but Stardust will be in the IC ladder match. Has this idea just been completely scrapped…?

Also: where in the world is Sheamus?

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