SmackDown: “You’re a turd.” 3/12/15

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You, dear reader, are not a turd. As implied by the quotes, that very soul-crushing and self-esteem murdering line is uttered later on in the night–not once but twice. But, we’ll get to that later. For now, we must discuss the beginning of SmackDown which starts with Daniel Bryan.

Naturally there are boos when he speaks about how he cannot repeat his moment at last year’s WrestleMania. However, he is excited about  the Intercontinental title. Daniel announces that the IC title is the only one he has yet to win, and he plans on entering the ladder match at WM to obtain it.

Incoming Bad News Barrett, the man who is still champion and says he will remain champion after WM. Yet he hasn’t held the belt for quite some time because he keeps losing it. Yes, what a good champion.

Now Dolph Ziggler enters and tells BNB that he’s absolutely delusional and desperate to be relevant.

When Luke Harper enters, those in the ring are confused on whether or not they themselves should stay confused or be alarmed at the crazy-eyed man in front of them. After a simple statement of “I want my Wrestlemania moment” he proceeds to get in Daniel Bryan’s face.

Dean Ambrose enters the fray, and the man is just not happy that a brawl was about to break out and he was not invited. He also recommends a good psychiatric place but that’s a story for another day.

Stardust joins in and makes everyone watch as he frantically searches for his “white stallion of the milky way”

Plus ten creativity points on that remark.

R-Truth stands at the top of the ramp with the title and proclaims that he’s just going to hold onto it for safe-keeping until WM.

A brawl ensues, and the only three people left standing in the ring are Dean, Dolph, and Daniel. Or Triple D, or DDD, however you like to think of it. This leads to a six-man tag match later in the night of Triple D versus BNB, Luke Harper, and Stardust.

The Usos, Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods (New Day) vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, Los Matadores

8-Man Tag

After what seems like a smooth, cohesive start to the match, all hell breaks loose. Kofi tags himself in on Jey, the Matadores run into each other, Xavier Woods dives out of the ring and takes out his own partner. Everyone is hurting one another all the while trying to one-up the other. It was entertaining chaos.

Eventually the Matadores switch places with one another without a legal tag. Which…quite honestly is a great idea when you can barely tell them apart. One of them rolls up Kofi and pins him for the win.

In short, none of these teams can work together.

Promo: Renee, The Miz, Mizdow

The Miz is gloating about how he’s going to win the Andre Battle Royal in addition to beating the the brainless, witless Ryback later in the night. Mizdow tries to warn Miz and get him to not be so cocky, but Miz gets angry and orders him to stay backstage and run errands for him. Well, that’s going to workout well, isn’t it?

Ryback vs. The Miz

As per usual, Miz makes his appearance only for the crowd to chant for Mizdow. Miz clearly underestimated his opponent, as Ryback hits him with ‘shell shock’ before pinning for the win.

Promo:Roman Reigns and Mark Henry

Just as Roman finishes explaining how he is going to represent his ‘Samoan blood’ and win the heavyweight title at WM, Mark Henry makes an appearance.

Mark points out to Roman that Paul got under his skin by constantly saying he couldn’t win. Then he pushes Roman’s buttons by saying the man has no identity of his own, that Brock, the people, and the locker room don’t respect him. Mark says Roman needs to earn some respect before he shoves him.

Everything just went downhill from then on for Mark.

Roman snapped, delivering a powerful ‘superman punch’ to the World’s Strongest Man before stalking him outside the ring. Roman spears Mark at ringside and manages to send the both of them through the barricade.

Well, that’s going to hurt in the morning.

AJ Lee, Paige vs. Cameron, Summer Rae

With the Bellas on commentary, things go as usual. Absolutely no attention is paid to the match and instead the Bellas monopolize the time for their high-school trash talk. While they’re busy chatting and gloating, Paige gets Summer to submit to her ‘PTO’.

As they were leaving the ring, Nikki threw her hat at Paige. This led to Brie and AJ having to hold their partners back to keep a brawl from happening. Nikki decides to throw more of her clothing and hurls her jacket at Paige.

If they want to step it up and throw chairs at each other instead of articles of clothing, I’d be okay with this.

Promo:Mark Henry, Renee

Mark confesses that he intentionally antagonized Roman to see what he was made of, and now he considers himself a believer in Roman Reigns.

How precious!

Promo:Michael Cole interviews Randy Orton

Randy swears vengeance upon Seth Rollins. He confesses that the mind games were fun and that “I really enjoyed beating the holy hell out of Seth Rollins.”

Okay, well, to each their own. You psychopath.

For this coming Monday Night Raw, Randy looks forward to challenging Seth at WM.

Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose vs. Bad News Barrett, Luke Harper, Stardust

As opposed to the chaos seen in the eight man tag match earlier in the night, this six-man tag match is far more cohesive in comparison. Michael Cole also makes not one, but two Lord of the Rings references. He not only compares Stardust to Golem, but he refers to the IC Belt as his ‘precious’. Well done on that comparison.

This match really highlighted Dean as a performer. He dominated a good majority of the match.

At one point all three members of Triple D prepare to dive out of the ring and attack their opponents. Only Dean and Daniel are able to perform the dive as Luke Harper jumps into the ring and cuts Dolph off. After a quick brawl, Daniel hits Harper with the ‘running knee’ before pinning him for the win.

Michael Cole enters the ring and congratulations Daniel Bryan. Okay, he wasn’t the only one in the match but that’s alright. Dolph isn’t happy with not being personally congratulated and all the attention not being on him, so he interrupts and says he plans on defeating Daniel for the belt because it’ll be every man for himself.

Dean however looks between the two of them and reminds them all that it was his idea in the first place to steal the belt. He then quickly profiles the both of them, first the show-stealer Dolph before profiling Daniel Bryan as….a turd.

Not one to go without having the last word, Dolph agrees with dean and calls Daniel a turd before leaving.

All the while I suppose Daniel is just wondering how on earth he’s a turd, and why anyone still uses that word.

Not a bad episode of SmackDown. The build up for the ladder match is incredibly entertaining at least, and the ball has finally started to roll for the Seth and Randy feud. So, hopefully we’ll get to see The Authority’s reactions to Randy’s deeds, and probably more thievery of the IC belt.

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