Raw: Fondling Urns


Raw starts with an absolutely livid group known as The Authority–minus mom and dad Stephanie and Hunter. Seth Rollins takes center stage and decides to give a long winded speech about betrayal. Naturally, he would know of such a concept because he committed the ultimate betrayal against his Shield brothers.

Oh excuse me, that was not betrayal, that was simply a business decision.

Moving on, after discussing his pain of betrayal by his estranged older brother, Big Show decides to take the microphone. He apologizes to Seth because he feels partially responsible, and quite honestly his heart just feels broken. What a lovely, caring wife he is!

Kane apologizes next. While he takes the time to point out that he’s not as gullible as the Big Show (ouch, what a burn), he still admits to being suckered in.

Jamie Noble shares crucial information with the entire WWE Universe. He’s the Authority’s secret weapon. After indulging us in top secret information,he apologizes and shares even more secrets by confessing that Joey Mercury was hurt the most.

Joey is in fact so hurt, that he can’t even keep his eyes from leaking like a broken pipe. Joey sobs into the gut of the Big Show while Seth and Kane seem absolutely baffled by these two gnomes being over emotional and a supposed secret weapon.

After these disturbing revelations are revealed, Seth agrees to a match at WrestleMania if, and only if, Randy Orton agrees to face him later in the night.

When Randy Orton appears it’s in the middle of Seth preparing to go on another insulting tangent. Immediately cutting off a possible remark that could result in his life ending via an RKO, Seth listens to Randy say he will face him later that night. In fact, he even states that he doesn’t mind if Seth has all of his little helpers with him, because he knows Seth can’t handle his own business like a grown man.

Wow…I mean…sibling rivalries man, these things are tough.

AJ Lee vs Nikki Bella

During this match Booker T makes a horrifying mistake that even has his wife tweeting him during the show. Booker says that women just hate each other, and basically sealed his fate. Michael Cole and JBL were shocked at his statement, the latter even going as far as to saying that Booker T was going to end up on The View. Well, it could happen.

As for the match, it’s exceptionally longer than usual. I goes on to highlight how nimble and quick AJ is and her ability to maneuver around her opponent. It also highlights Nikki’s strength and brutality.

Paige and Brie end up in a brawl outside of the ring. This distracts AJ, allowing for Nikki to capitalize and deliver a right hook to AJ before hitting her with ‘rack attack’ and ultimately pinning her for the win.

Promo: Renee, Kane, Big Show

Kane says that they’ll be in the main event in the night obviously to watch over Seth. Big Show then throws an overdramatic fit about how Kane never talks to him anymore and they have poor communication skills.

Seth walks in and tries to break up the fight by calling them stupid. Both of these massive men get angry at Seth, and Kane confesses that they liked seeing him get beaten by Orton because he’s been a spoiled, entitled brat since Kane won MITB for him. Kane says he won’t be at ringside to help him, and the invitation is extended to Big Show whom we assume will not be in attendance either.

This is proof Seth Rollins was in fact the Architect. He knows how to dig himself a damn good hole.

Ryback vs. The Miz

Mizdow is of course at ringside. He has the pleasure of watching the Miz get eaten by Ryback. Not in that way you sick perverts.Ryback manages to hold Miz at ringside and he urges Mizdow to hit his boss right in the face.

Just when it seems like Mizdow will complete the act that all of us are dying for him to do, Miz breaks free and then proceeds to countdown to Mizdow like one would do to a child. Back in the ring, Ryback hits Miz with ‘shell shock’ before pinning him for the win.

Mizdow, ever the gentleman, climbs into the ring to help Miz up to his feet. Right as Miz gets up he grabs Mizdow and hits him with his ‘skull-crushing finisher’. Well, to most that would seem rude, but quite obviously this is just another way of saying thank you.

Contract Signing: John Cena and Rusev

What a mess this signing was. Actually, mess may not be the right word as hardly a brawl happened. It was more of a joke. Cena goes on a long winded monologue about the greatness of America. He compares the contract to the Declaration of Independence, WM to the Revolution, and continued to hype up the greatness of America.

Oh don’t worry, it gets better.

When Rusev enters in a semi-dashing suit, Lana is not by his side. Instead we are graced with the presence of a man from Iowa community theater with the accent of a Texan man attempting to be Russian but ultimately failing and letting some twang slip out. Seriously, his accent is so bad that it’s all the announcers can talk about. Said fake ‘attorney’ of Rusev’s tries to say there will be no match because Rusev himself did not agree.

After Rusev thoroughly mocked the country and the national anthem in a way that only he can get away with, he quickly signs the contract, flips the desk in John’s direction and flees the ring as fast as a marathon sprinter.

Well done on that Rusev, real intimidating.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro vs. Big E Langston, Kofi Kingston (New Day)

Before the match can even begin Los Matadores make an appearance ringside. They’re fully intent on evaluating their future opponents and perhaps leaving a lasting memory for them.

Towards the end of the match Tyson interferes and takes Kofi’s ‘trouble in paradise’ for Cesaro. What a great partner! Capitalizing on Tyson’s distraction ,Cesaro rolls Kofi up and pins him for the win.

Los Matadores fight at ringside with Xavier Woods, then they sacrifice him to Cesaro who hits him with the ‘neutralizer’. Torito then surprises Cesaro by attacking him and knocking him out the ring.

Well….this should make for an interesting match at WM.

Promo: Seth and the Hobbits

Seth reminds the hobbits that they better not leave him high and dry later that night. Well he doesn’t so much remind them as he does order them because an angry, entitled ninja is a dangerous one. So dangerous in fact, he has the audacity to slap Jamie.

Actually he slaps Jamie and delivers a beautiful insult along the lines of “Go back to whatever backwoods true detective hell hole you came from”. It was beautifully creative.

Angry, Jamie tells Seth that the MITB briefcase went to his head. Jamie quits, and since he quit, his bald sidekick shrugs and quits as well.

Okay, so Seth didn’t dig a fabulous hole. He dug himself an underground paradise.

Promo: The Beast Brock Lesnar

His first line is “I was put on this earth to seek, destroy, and hurt people.”

In summary, he is a contract killer. A very scary, alarmingly large, contract killer. He ends his somewhat concerning promo with the notion that he is “gonna fuck up Roman Reigns. The end.”

His words. Not mine. Seriously.

Big Show vs. Erick Rowan

Poor Erick Rowan! This man can barely catch a break! The match doesn’t even begin before he gets a brutal beating. In fact, there’s no match at all. As soon as he enters the ring Big Show beats him to a pulp before finally delivering the ‘KO punch’ and leaving.

So…Erick Rowan just has horrible luck.

Congratulations to another Hall of Fame inductee for the class of 2015! The newest member is the legendary Larry Zybszko.

Random Andre Battle Royal sampler:

Suddenly after commercial break, Kane is in the ring with several other superstars he apparently invited out. This is supposedly his demonstration of what will happen at the Andre Battle Royal.

Mark Henry appears and announces that he’s going to be in the battle royal. A brawl breaks out once he enters the ring. All the while Curtis Axel does the smart thing by leaving and hanging out near the trophy. Nearing the end of the brawl Kane and Mark are the only two that are left. Axel jumps in as Mark is attempting to throw out Kane, thinking he can get the both of them. Unfortunately for him, Mark is immovable and he dumps Curtis Axel out, leaving him to be the only one left.

So….was….was this a spoiler for WrestleMania? Because if it was….that was incredibly disappointing.

This bit was just weird and felt completely out of place during Raw, as though they just threw it in there and said ‘EH we’ll see what happens’.

In Ring Promo:Paul Heyman

Paul Heyman insists that Brock Lesnar will go above and beyond in hurting Roman Reigns. In fact, he gets so brutal in his descriptions that his microphone gets cut off. Eventually Ursula behind the sound system gives him back his voice and he continues to foretell the future. Actually, he at one point says  “Samoan American’t”

Which…come on, the man deserves some credit for that. American’t, get it? It’s certainly not American.

Roman Reigns enters once Paul mentions his father and boy did Paul Heyman look absolutely alarmed. Roman admits that he respects Paul Heyman while said man is sweating nervously and confessing he is only an advocate. He says that he’s the best talker in the business. Roman addresses the fact that Paul keeps bringing up his family, but he doesn’t see that as trash talking, he clarifies that it’s a warning.

Roman even makes a point of addressing the crowd that is booing him during his speech.

Roman ends the promo by saying that he will “beat Brock’s ass at WM because I can”. Well then, that’s an interesting hobby to have.

Promo: Renee and Paul

Paul Heyman says that Roman is a formidable opponent because he has been keeping his cool as Paul is trying to get under his skin. However, Paul swears that Roman will get his face to face moment with Brock next week on Raw.

Daniel Bryan, Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler  vs. Bad News Barrett, Luke Harper, Stardust

R-Truth is there of course, offering his services and time on commentary. He’s mostly there to watch, and happens to have the championship belt clipped to the back of his jacket like any sane man would do.

At one point Dolph tags himself in, which only angers Daniel (flashback to Roman and Daniel?). Stardust is a riot because he’s running back and forth across the apron like a hyperactive child. Or like the lovechild of the Riddler and a member of the Nova Corps. I swear those are his parents, Riddler and someone from Nova Corps. 

Dolph even manages to make a mistake of ‘super-kicking’ Daniel who’s on the apron after Luke Harper ducks out of the way.

Saving his team, Dean hits BNB with ‘dirty deeds’ and pins him for the win.

Luke then of course throws Dean across the announcer’s table as he has his eyes set on R-Truth for the belt. The title changes hands several times before the actual champion BNB finally gets it back.

Is there a way to put a chip on this belt? Maybe make an app for it? Something like ‘find my iphone’ but obviously call it ‘find my title’.

Promo:Seth complains to mommy and daddy.

Seth complains to Hunter and Stephanie–the latter telling him that he made his own bed. Angry. Seth then spins this argument around on Hunter and asks if he’s “taking a break from playing hide and seek with Sting?” Which….you never, never say to Hunter because he’s ready to kill his golden child.

In the end, Stephanie tells Seth to man up….and quite frankly, I think Seth is about to be disowned and left on some church’s doorstep.

Promo:Bray loving fondles a red urn.

Really, a red urn, he’s quite attached to it. He then goes on to talk about Abigail before saying that undertaker is afraid to show his face because of how brutally beaten he was at the last WM.

With the way he talks about Abigail while fondling the urn and ashes that are inside, I’m starting to believe that he put the chair’s ashes into that urn.

…Okay…I mean…most people throw chair ashes in the garbage but this is okay. That works too. I guess.

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins

Randy is all ready to go for this match, eager to brutalize the golden child. Seth however stops at the top of the ramp and proceeds to activate his evil laughter abilities. He talks about how it took Randy 3 weeks to make the Authority look like complete fools. Yet it only took Seth three hours to make him look like a fool.

Well, someone’s been thoroughly duped.

The Authority then enters, perfectly dressed in suits like the high-class evil doers they are. Randy gets a chair ready because he knows they’re all going to jump him. As they surround the ring the lights go out and a familiar sound is heard. Once the lights are on Sting is standing side by side with Randy Orton in the ring wielding a bat.

Randy has the most confused look on his face that is humanly possible. Coming to terms with his sudden appearance, he and Sting use their weapons to beat up every single person in the ring that tried to attack them.

As a message to Hunter, Sting hits Joey with the ‘scorpion death drop’. Randy then hits Jamie with an ‘RKO’ as a message to Seth Rollins.

So, the father-son duo of Seth and Hunter are going to meet their fate at WM. I haven’t the slightest idea of what will happen this coming Smackdown, but next week is the final Raw before WrestleMania. So, Brock will appear to possibly ‘F5’ or ‘suplex’ Roman all around the ring. In short, it seems like the chaos has only just begun as WrestleMania draws nearer.


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