WrestleMania 31: That is What’s Called….BEING OWNED 3/29/15

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Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Stardust vs. Luke Harper vs. R. Truth vs. Dean Ambrose

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match

(BNB really missed an opportunity for his WM ring gear to be a bear cloak with the head of the bear resting on top of his own head. Regal as hell. Luke Harper cleaned up a bit too, keeping the dirty tank top because he’s so classy).

Once the match starts Dean wastes little time, diving in and going immediately for BNB. Less than a minute into the match and everyone is flying. R-Truth is doing back flips, Stardust becomes a falling star, Harper throws Ziggler out of the ring and onto everyone. Really it’s pure chaotic beauty.

Dean climbs onto the ladder and pays tribute to Macho Man Randy Savage as he performs an elbow drop on top of everyone from the very top of the ladder. Of course while everyone is down and out, the fearful of heights R-Truth attempts to climb the ladder. Luckily for him BNB saves him from risking a panic attack one step into the ladder and quickly rips him away from it.

Stardust performs a lovely feat in kicking the ladder out from under Dean, Truth, and Dolph as the three of them attempted to climb to the top. Stardust takes the time to get his own specially bedazzled ‘starbird’ ladder from under the ring. It’s beautiful until BNB destroys it and beats him with his own ladder.

Harper employs an amazing tactic in becoming a helicopter with the ladder, spinning around to hit his opponents. Someone has to give him points for creative use of a ladder, right?

BNB performs a super-plex off the top of the ladder to Stardust, and those two just have to be dead at the moment.

Luke Harper power-bombed Dean from inside the ring through the ladders that were out at ringside, snapping the ladders and Dean in half.

In the end, it’s a head butting match between the goat and the show-off for the title. With one final blow, Daniel knocks Dolph off of the ladder and takes the belt for the win.

Daniel Bryan is now the new Intercontinental Champion

(Now this match was absolutely amazing. There was blood–which is not a reason for it being amazing, but it does show dedication to a good performance. Bodies were flying every which way and the title was nearly won countless times. Each competitor gave it their all and bent over backwards [quite literally, sometimes through ladders] to do so).

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton

(I’ll be the one to point out that Seth’s suit detailing matches his briefcase perfectly. While cool, this makes him look like a rejected member of the X-Men…which no one can fault him for, we all want to be in the X-Men)

The match starts with the two sizing each other up. They dance around one another, Seth teasing Randy like the annoying little brother he is while Randy just wants to get to killing him already.

J&J Security as usual try to interfere, and Randy is having none of this. From the apron, Randy takes the hobbits down with a double DDT. Now Seth’s security is gone and the golden boy of the authority is completely vulnerable. Well, it’s now or never to prove yourself, right?

Seth performs a moon-sault off of the second rope to Randy who is outside the ring. While incredibly impressive, it seems like he snaps his spine in half when he slams into the announcer’s table.

After reversing Seth’s attack into a quick DDT off the rope, Randy decides not to pin him and instead wants to play with Seth a little longer and make him suffer.

There’s an incredibly impressive move where Seth tries to curb stomp Randy. Randy instead stands up which launches Seth high into the air. Mid-air, Randy delivered the RKO and pinned Seth for the win seamlessly and beautifully.

(Throughout the match Seth looks incredibly strong. He gets his share of manhandling Randy, more so then what Randy does to him. It was a great display of what Seth can do and why he’s the top heel of the company. Hell, Seth kicks out of an ‘RKO’ and Randy kicked out of the ‘curb stomp’ showing that they’re equally matched….Or incredibly durable. While Seth did lose, he put on one hell of a beautiful match.)

Sting vs. Triple H

(Of course Triple H gets the omega terminator entrance where Terminator introduces him! It was cool…I mean, I was laughing hysterically because it just seems so odd. Based on that helmet, I’m going to go ahead and assume next year he’s having a Steampunk entrance)

The match begins and all they’ve done is walk around each other, but that’s enough to elicit ‘this is awesome’ chants from the crowd. Later they even chant ‘you still got it’ which is wonderful, good on you guys!

Everyone must also take a moment to appreciate how HHH scrambles away from Sting every time the man gets a move over on him.

Triple H is both alarmed and confused as to what on earth this Sting guy is made out of when a knee-bash to his head does nothing to him.

Sting gets Triple H in the scorpion death lock, but DX all storm the ring to save their beloved best friend. Shout out to the Monday Night Wars right? Sting however has no problem in taking them all out, jumping from the top rope and taking every single one of them down at ringside, just when it seemed like the match was getting stale.

Just as HHH brings out the sledge hammer, the NWO makes an entrance,officially making this WCW vs. WWE.

Just as Sting has HHH in the scorpion deathlock, HHH reaches for the sledge hammer. Hulk takes it away, and that ensues another DX vs NWO battle at ringside. While in the submission move for quite some time, Hunter still does not tap out.

But Shawn Michaels does interfere and hits Sting with some sweet chin music as Sting goes for the submission move yet again.

Now THAT’S a best friend…but while it was quite a valiant effort, it wasn’t enough to put Sting away.

Getting the best most humorous facial expression out of Hunter, Sting breaks his precious sledge hammer and the battle carries on. Using the head of the broken sledgehammer, Hunter takes him out and pins him for the win.

Hunter beat Sting…I suppose this was supposed to mirror the outcome of the WWE beating WCW.

The two officially end the match with a classy hand-shake. Well done, I really thought someone was going to take a cheap shot at the other.

(The match was impressive once both sides came out. The taunting of one another was amusing in the beginning, but it definitely felt stale until their respective teams came out. This match told the story of the Monday Night Wars, and while I wanted Sting to win, it makes sense as to why HHH won.)

Promo: Daniel Bryan and Maria Menounos

Pat Patterson congratulates Daniel Bryan for being the new Intercontinental Champion, a sweet, adorable moment. A certain Roddy Piper even comes over and kisses his forehead before Rick Steamboat congratulates him, plus Ric Flair, and Bret Hart.

In a very adorable manner, they all break out into the ‘yes’ chant before Ron Simmons joins to give his most amazing ‘damn’ before leaving.

Paige, AJ Lee vs. The Bella Twins

Paige and Nikki start the match, and Paige already looks like she’s out for blood. While she has a strong start,  Nikki quickly takes control and shows her strength, slamming her around in the ring before she gives Brie a shot.

Brie dominates the match as well, bending Paige backwards in such a way that physically hurts to watch. Quite honestly this maneuver shows that she’s been training and taking a few pages out of Daniel Bryan’s books. In the mean time the twins make sure to knock AJ out and off the ring every single time she is up, keeping Paige from making a tag.

When AJ is in the match she ends up on Nikki’s shoulders .She counters a possibly brutal slam by sliding and wrapping around Nikki for a DDT, a very impressive counter.

In the end AJ gets Nikki to tap out to the black widow, all the while Paige destroys Brie outside the ring with a particularly brutal slam into the steel steps.

AJ and Paige win!

(This was a great match! Finally each diva was able to showcase their different talents. Each of the four of them have very different move sets that suits their in ring abilities. The divas pulled out all the stops and put on an incredibly impressive and entertaining match)

Rusev vs. John Cena

For the United States Championship

(Lana walks down the ramp like the queen she is with her fur….tail….thing, and Rusev’s belt. All hail the Queen of WrestleMania…and Rusev gets a tank! Not as pretty, not as glamorous, but definitely bad ass! It certainly beats out the Terminator King we had earlier. Cena makes his entrance after a very ‘YEAH ‘MURRICA’ video package. He should have flown in with a flock of bald eagles carrying him.)

Rusev was probably going to eat Eden when she began to announce John Cena before him. Eden quickly fixed that and announced Rusev first, that way Stardust wouldn’t have to go out there and send Rusev into the cosmos.

The match is essentially two Goliaths fighting each other. One just happens to get very angry and shout out a lot while the other enjoys bright colors and making fun of people’s poor vision.Yet during all of this, the crowd cheers for Lana more than any of the competitors actually in the ring.

Lana attempts to save Rusev when he’s stuck in Cena’s ‘STF’ so she does what any bad ass woman would do. She took off her heel and hurled it into the ring.

After launching off the top rope at John, Rusev looks like a giant pitiful baby when John kicks out of the pin.

Rusev charges at John when he’s at the ropes while Lana is trying to distract the referee. John quickly steps to the side, leading to Rusev plowing right into Lana and knocking her off the apron.John performs a quick attitude adjustment before pinning him and winning the US championship.

Rusev screams at Lana (which, don’t do that man, she just tried to help you). There goes the end of Rusev’s undefeated streak and Lana’s ability to walk in high heels for a while.

In Ring Promo: The Authority Always Wins

Stephanie and Hunter gloat about their record breaking attendance of over 76 thousand people and how HHH owned sting. While the two are gloating and talking about how they’re so much better than everyone else, there’s only one man who can be there to defend the people…

Enter….The Rock

By the way, The Authority is so not amused with him walking out there and milking the love of the fans during their special moment. Stephanie is especially un-amused when the crowd can’t stop chanting his name or ‘this is awesome’. Really, the man doesn’t get a single word in for the longest and the crowd just can’t stop.

The Rock is there to defend his people and lay the verbal smack-down upon these two. Hunter initially rejects a challenge by the Rock until the Rock points out that he no longer has any balls. Stephanie however keeps Hunter from fighting him by pointing out that without the McMahons, there would be no Rock.

Of course when Stephanie fails to have a retort when someone sasses her, she slaps him across the face and taunts him to hit a woman. Then she throws him out of the ring, but instead of walking up the ramp, Rock just circles the ring for a little while…but stops in front of Ronda Rousey…and brings her into the ring.

Oh my god, even the crowd chants ‘Ronda’s gonna kill you’. They know.

Stephanie tries to play up the fact that they’re friends, begging Ronda to tell Rock how they’re friends. When that fails points out that any chance of her getting a WM moment just isn’t going to happen no matter what the Rock says. Unfortunately for her Stephanie makes the mistake of throwing Ronda out of the ring.

“You need to understand something Steph. Any ring I step into is mine. If you want me to leave, how about you make me?”

Thankfully Rock tells us all that Ronda’s face means she’s going to reach down Stephanie’s throat and rip out her fallopian tubes for jumping rope.  Hunter tries to defend his wife, and the Rock beats him up a bit before Ronda performs a beautiful take down and kicks him out the ring.

Stephanie makes the mistake of shoving Ronda. Which, you can’t fault her…she wanted to defend her husband’s honor. Unfortunately for Stephanie she was manhandled by the devastatingly dangerous woman, getting thoroughly owned by these two powerhouses.

In the words of that little boy with the tricycle in the Incredibles….

THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!

Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker

(Bray Wyatt’s entrance is disturbingly beautiful. I may have nightmares for days with all those scare crows….but it’s beautiful. Now both his and Undertaker’s entrances aren’t as amazing during day light…but damn, the Undertaker’s presence is enough)

Bray looks absolutely mesmerized by the phenom before he declares that everything will not be taken away from him, that he earned this. Basically…Bray is saying the yard is his now, and Taker won’t stand for it. As he charges the dead man, said man easily raises a massive boot and kicks Bray to the floor with ease.

The crowd chants ‘you still got it’ when Undertaker pulls a vintage move out of his arsenal, and it’s just beautiful. From the very beginning of this match, he’s absolutely dominating the man who called him out., but that all quickly changes.

When Bray gets Taker in the sister Abigail, he mocks the man and looks like a happy child…until Taker reaches up and grabs his throat. He counters the move and performs a devastating choke slam on Bray Wyatt. He then performs the tombstone pile driver and pins Bray….but Bray kicks out at two, baffling the phenom beyond belief.

After breaking out of Bray’s finisher again, Taker hits him with another tombstone pile driver and pins him for the win.

Sorry Bray, you’re not the new face of fear, not yet at least…

21-1—-> 22-1 (or 23-0 for those who refuse to acknowledge last year’s WM)

(The faces these two make towards each other….can someone make a sitcom out of them being absolutely shocked at each other’s sick moves?)

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

(Roman has to get credit for making it through a crowd of thousands of hostile fans who want to rip out his majestic hair. Then there’s Brock who gets his own special introduction at the hands of his wonderful manager Paul Heyman….as any Heyman man should)

Roman attempts to maul Brock right at the start, but Brock wastes no time in taking him out. He thoroughly was manhandled at the very start with a beating in the corner, a suplex, and an f5…but Roman drew blood. That was probably a mistake, once Brock realized he was bleeding, I’m pretty sure the last shred of humanity within Brock snapped.

But…one must admire how Paul casually rests on the apron and stares at Brock admiringly while Roman taunts Brock by laughing at him. Of course…Brock retorts with another suplex and a colorful statement of ‘suplex city bitch’ before the beating continues.

(You know, people give Roman and John Cena crap all the time for having ‘five’ basic moves or whatever. But uh….has no one taken the time to notice that all Brock Lesnar does is the f5 and a suplex?)

When Brock decides to pin Roman after the man is done playing with his carcass, Roman kicks out. Brock’s not sure if he’s amused at this or irritated…or a strange combo of both. Gloves come off and the beating starts again until Brock tries to pin him a second time. Once again, Roman kicks out.

Outside the ring Roman sends Brock head first into one of the pillars and cracks Brock’s head wide open. Roman takes the lead from there with numerous superman punches, spears, and yet the man still kicked out of a pin at two.

After Brock and Roman are both down after an f5…

Enter Seth Rollins TO CASH IN THE MONEY IN THE BANK CONTRACT– NOW A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH

Seth knocks Roman right out of the ring and sets his eyes out on Brock Lesnar, hitting him with a curb stomp. Seth goes for another one, but Brock picks him up for the f5.

Roman practically saves his life and spears Brock in the middle of the move. Seth immediately curbs stomps Roman and pins him for the win.

Seth Rollins is now the new WWE World  Heavyweight Champion

Okay, that was an amazing end! Can we admire how smart of a tactic that was? Why go one on one with the beast Brock Lesnar who basically murders everyone when you can wait till two people are half-dead and go for whoever is weaker? A brilliant move on the part of Seth Rollins, and it must be a phenomenal feeling to close out WM as the new champion after cashing in at WM.

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