RAW: Seth Rollins is Justin Bieber….and Catwoman (4/27/15)

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What a better way to start a post-PPV RAW than to start with the WWE World Heavyweight Champion–Seth Rollins along with J&J and Kane. The heat he receives is absolutely disgusting–in a wonderful way of course. He also receives some heat within the ring when he says he beat Randy all on his own.

The glare on the back of his head courtesy of Kane is devastating. Not as devastating as Seth calling Kane a brittle old decrepit gatekeeper.

But this is okay, because Kane brings the ultimate level of sass by caling Seth the WWE version of Justin Bieber. Oh dear, this is beautiful.

Randy enters and makes a point that Kane mentioned that Seth cheated with an illegal use of the RKO. Randy wants a rematch. Oh, and calls Seth Catwoman.

As for Roman Reigns? Well after making sure Seth realized his wife the Big Show wasn’t present because he got knocked the hell out; Roman says he’s the one deserving of a rematch.

Wow, at the end of all this Seth is going to have an entire book of nicknames. Oh, he also has a tag team match against Roman and Randy with Kane, PLUS whoever he will defend his title against at Payback will be decided by the WWE Universe.

Poor bastard.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett

King of the Ring Tournament

Bad News Barrett wins, because Sheamus came out to distract Dolph by reminding him of his celtic butt on his face.

I’m surprised they put Barrett in this competition. We all know that if he was to win the crown he would just lose it, most likely on SmackDown in the same week. But hey, we should also be amazed that Dolph had the stones to show his face after it was thoroughly rubbed and smothered in celtic warrior sweaty ass-cheek…even though that same ass made him lose this match.

Tyson Kidd vs. Big E (New Day)

Big E wins, only because Xavier held down Tyson’s foot to help him with the pin.

Now what happens when you enter a match angry is something very magical. One becomes very creative, as seen in the example of Tyson. He displays his angry creativity by kicking Big E in the corner to the sound of ‘New Day sucks’. It’s a lovely idea, really, but it doesn’t help when you’re in the ring against a faction of cheaters.

Ryback vs. Bo Dallas

Ryback wins after shell-shocking the somewhat-but-not-really inspirational speaker!

Bo Dallas needs to bo-lieve in anger management therapy, that’s for sure. Entering the ring angry doesn’t help all the time man, just look at Tyson! This spat between these two men can be solved over several plates of dinner. In case you haven’t noticed Bo, Ryback likes to eat. Just get him some good steak and it’ll be fine!

…Then Bray Intereferes

For real, Bray Wyatt magically appears. He hits Ryback with sister Abigail, does his weird little spider walk, and then proceeds to bask in the glow of his fireflies. Alright then, I suppose this weird feud is happening.

Open US Championship Challenge

John Cena vs. Heath Slater

Well originally it was going to be Heath Slater, but he took too much time in having some sort of ridiculous monologue. So Rusev knocked him out and decided to throw a fit.

Promo:Kane and Seth Rollins

After thoroughly insulting the man’s intelligence and threatening to tell on him, Seth has managed to dig himself into a volcano. Kane makes it so that the options for his title match at Payback now include Seth, Roman, and Randy in a triple threat match.

Ya done goofed, kid.

R-Truth vs. Stardust

King of the Ring Tournament

R-Truth wins against Stardust, meaning there is a high possibility that we will not have to deal with spiders ever again!

One man wants to banish spiders, the other wants to be the King of the Stars. Well. Alright then. I suppose this is beneficial for people who fear spiders…but they’re crucial to the environment to take care of those pesky flies. Ah well, can’t have it all.

Fandango vs. Adam Rose

Adam Rose wins after Rosa distracts Fandango. The devious woman was hiding as a rosebud and decided to cost him the win. Well, okay then. The victory kiss shared between those two is worthy of a vomit bag.

Interesting how this match is between two people who are completely in the wrong era. Fandango belongs in the eighties with his ridiculous pants and as for Adam….I… I don’t know. Maybe the 70’s with the way he parties. You know, both of them are technically dancers, maybe they should just have a dance off to end their rivalry.

Promo:Renee and Brie on Daniel Bryan’s Health

She has no update whatsoever.

BUT, Naomi did pop her in the mouth and say ‘no one cares about you or your husband‘.

I’m loving the new Naomi.

Brie Bella vs. Naomi

Naomi beats Brie after rolling her up for the win!

Yet another case of entering the ring angry. Doesn’t the WWE offer anger management in their health plans? Alas, while Brie is going through some turmoil concerning her husband’s health, it’s simply not enough to fuel her up against the new brutal and cocky Naomi.

Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus

King of the Ring Tournament

Sheamus wins via disqualification.

As king, Sheamus says he will have every little fella kissing his arse. So, that’s an odd thing to request as king. Especially if you compare that to wanting to ban spiders. Sheamus is clearly the weirder and more concerning declaration.

Sheamus gets just what he deserved when he interferes in the match and charges after Sheamus when he and Dean are at ringside, effectively ending the match in a fit of rage.

“For once in my life I didn’t do it!” Well, sorry Dean, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

Promo:Damien SANdow

Damien thanks the WWE Universe for sticking with him. As he’s talking about where to go from there….enter Curtis Axel.

Curtis can’t stand a man who doesn’t know who he is and tries to be someone else. Well, alright then…projecting, aren’t you?

Don’t worry, Damien thoroughly mocks him by mimicking Curtis in every way possible before destroying him and kicking him out of the ring.

Promo:Bray Wyatt

Ryback, you gonna die.

Although, one would assume he was calling out Cody Rhodes when Bray threw out the ‘man obsessed with his own vanity‘ line, seeing as how that doesn’t suit Ryback at all.

But hey, whatever. To each their own.

Honestly though if you’re going to force this odd feud together, at least make it believable.

Neville vs. Luke Harper

King of the Ring Tournament

Neville wins after hitting him with the red arrow and thoroughly exhausting Luke Harper!

Luke Harper wants to sit on a throne of barb-wire and rusty metal. Not only is that a physical health hazard but I’m pretty sure that means you’re really, really busted in the head. Or, you’re a big fan of the Addams Family, but I really think it’s the former. However, creepy barb wire man did not win. This means now that the Europeans are dominating the King of the Ring Tournament.

Roman Reigns, Randy Orton vs. Kane, Seth Rollins

Roman Reigns and Randy Orton win after Seth falls victim to a superman punch and an RKO.

Seth just seems to have the worst luck, always angering people right before a match with them.While Seth slips and slides all around the ring trying to avoid getting murdered, Randy and Roman spend the match  relishing Seth’s pain.

A fatal mistake is made by Seth Rollins. The man drop kicks Kane who is trying to choke slam Roman. That miscommunication is DEFINITELY going to lead to another family dispute. This is especially considering he performed a suicide dive and, once again, hit Kane. Naturally Kane had another melt down.

Ah the Authority is just slowly falling apart…all at the hands of their golden child. Or rather, at his big mouth that never stops moving.

It is announced that at Payback, Seth Rollins opponents for his title will be: Roman Reigns and Randy Orton. To celebrate, Roman spears Seth, as any man should.

Well this is just an unfortunate night for Seth. I wonder what his future holds on SmackDown? Perhaps some more fights with uncle Kane?

Extreme Rules (4/26/15)

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Pre-Show

Bad News Barrett cuts a promo of how Daniel Bryan isn’t medically cleared to compete. Which of course opens up the opportunity to rip on the little goat man! He does however, beckon Neville forth so that they may brawl instead. Now it’s England vs. England!

Bad News Barrett vs. Neville

Even through all the taunting, Neville wins after hitting BNB with a red arrow!

What a match up! The brute and the swift man whom gravity forgot! Neville is just so quick in the way he wrestles, able to make an endless flow of motion which always makes a match all the more exciting. Hell, he manages to use BNB like a stripper pole–but not for money, he’s just able to maneuver around him with great expertise. Barrett of course is able to hold his own as the ruthless brawler that he is.

A win at Extreme Rules over the former Intercontinental champion is a wonderful opportunity for Neville.

Extreme Rules

Luke Harper vs. Dean Ambrose

Chicago Street Fight

Well, have to give the WWE credit. A good way to start a pay-per-view is to have two psychotic people beat the life out of each other! Anything truly went in this match as these two nut jobs took the match all over–and that includes backstage and all over the arena…and into a car and right out of the arena, courtesy of Luke Harper’s driving skills.

We’ll uh…we’ll have to get back to that one.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus

Kiss Me Arse Match

Saving his mouth from touching the albino skin, Dolph Ziggler wins the match!

Is anyone concerned about how badly Sheamus wanted his arse kissed? Is no one questioning this? Can’t he just ask Dolph out for dinner or something first? Sheamus was trying really very hard not to kiss Dolph’s ass. I think it’s because he’s self conscious on tickling the man’s cheek with his beard. But in the end…Sheamus delivered a nut shot and spared Dolph from experiencing his beads anywhere they should never go.

But Sheamus does rub Dolph’s head into his own ass. Alright well, Sheamus, that’s just not right.That wasn’t a kiss! He did not kiss Sheamus’ ass! What a bunch of liars.

This should have just been a ‘head-butt my ass match’.

New Day(Big E, Kofi) vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro

Tag Team Championships

Even with Natalya slapping Xavier Woods into a new planet when he interferes during the match; New Day manages to steal the titles from Tyson and Cesaro.

What a flurry of brutality and emotions running wild this match was. On one hand you have Xavier Woods screaming and shouting his question as to why people chant ‘New Day sucks’. Then you have Natalya who just shakes her head and sighs every time Tyson or Cesaro’s latest victim kicks out of a pin.

Plus you have everyone slamming each other in every possible place both inside and outside the ring.

Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper return! 

…With a big giant elbow off the top of the truck to New Day the new tag team champions!

But serious what the hell did they do while they were gone in the car, and how were they not pulled over by police?

Regardless of that, after fighting in a bed of steel chairs Dean Ambrose wins the match!

John Cena vs. Rusev

Russian Chain Match for United States Championship

In this riveting tug of war meets twisted Simon match, John Cena  was deemed victorious!

Not quite sure if this was a legitimate strategy or not, but Rusev turns into a massive near-naked baby that cannot be moved to keep John from moving. Really, he curls up in the fetal position and he resembles a very large overgrown child. Maybe even an elephant baby. Well he was acting like some sort of baby when he sent away Lana after she greeted the WWE Universe.

Shades of Mark Mero and Sable much?

Nikki Bella vs. Naomi

Divas Championship

In the match up of sass versus sass, Nikki wins and retains her title.

During this match we saw an entirely new Naomi. New theme, new costume, fabulous shoes that light up and questionable sunglasses were all present! The new Naomi displayed her cocky personality. However, the new personality and ring gear doesn’t do much when Nikki’s sister is ringside and delivers a devastating kick to the head.

Roman Reigns vs. Big Show

Last Man Standing

Roman Reigns wins the match after not one, but TWO devastating spears and burying Big Show under the table! Which he also stood over. Roman Reigns stood on a table that buried another human being–excuse me, giant.

It was glorious.

Tonight we learned that Big Show is in fact a very self aware giant with the amount of times he proclaims ‘I’m a giant‘. He also manages to date himself by shouting ‘Boo Yah‘ as well. Come on man, it’s 2015. All the while Roman is very determined to put this man through a table, and eventually he does! Roman is quite good at proving he absorbs pain, enjoys the feeling, and is very, very difficult to keep down for a ten count.

Super confusing spur of the moment match that’s not actually a match:

Bo Dallas somewhat vs. Ryback

Ryback did not enjoy hearing Bo Dallas rip on the people of Chicago and say that they smell…so he made sure to take care of the problem, physically of course!

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton

Steel Cage Match + No RKO; Kane as Gate Keeper

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Seth Rollins manages to RKO Randy Orton to retain the title!

This was a war of estranged brothers. Big brother Randy versus little spoiled brother Seth. Now Randy has had several opportunities to end the match, but all he wanted to do was make Seth suffer and thoroughly enjoy it. The noble hobbits that could attempted to interfere but they were no match for this hectic fight.

Something notable: Randy sent a direct message to Triple H by using his move, the pedigree, on his favorite little son. Kane has a mental breakdown when he’s hurt in the middle of the match and double choke slams the hobbits inside the ring before choke slamming both Randy and Seth.

Alright well,now Kane needs to go back to anger management. Clearly his appointments with Daniel Bryan were not enough for long-term control.

Why is Randy Orton a Psychopath?

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To no one’s surprise, Randy Orton is a little very, very off and psychotic. The man hears voices in his head, and you know this to be true because even his entrance theme repeats this idea.

Randy is absolutely mental. He’s been the Legend Killer, the Apex Predator, the Viper, and now the cast-off older brother to Seth Rollins who has had to emancipate himself in order to retain some sense of sanity.

Randy’s mental health has been on a decline since he’s debuted with the WWE. He’s been betrayed by just about every stable or person he’s ever been in/ interacted with. This goes as far back as Evolution, all the way up to the Authority. Funny how both the beginning and the end both seem to involve Triple H, doesn’t it? But we’ll get back to that later.

Randy Orton has gone through a nearly year-long feud with the Undertaker, which undoubtedly destroyed any remaining innocence/mental stability he had in that brutal Hell in a Cell match.

Every which way he turned throughout his career, Randy was always partnered with someone who in the end deceived him in some way. Let’s move on to the present and his partnership with the Authority.

Now for Randy to work again with Hunter after their horrible history together can either be seen as bold, or downright stupid.But can anyone really blame him for going back? Hunter took him under his wing and paved the way for him. Hunter adopted the young man before he even became the Legend Killer. It made sense for Randy to join his side once again and help him. A part of Randy clearly saw this as an opportunity to mend his relationship with his estranged father, Triple H.

Yet once Seth Rollins came into the picture, everything just began to crumble and fall for him.

Was Randy the golden, prodigal child of the Authority anymore? No….Randy lost that title. Randy was old in comparison to Seth, a seasoned vet with multiple championships under his belt. Randy was never meant to be the true face of the company. He was just a filler until they were able to adopt their newest addition to the family, Seth Rollins.

Randy Orton did not like being pushed aside for Seth Rollins, but he tried to be on his best behavior. His parents were ignoring him for this new child that he was supposed to look over and care for! His goals, his wants, all pushed aside for the new favorite child. The Authority no longer cared for Randy. They allowed Seth to do whatever he wanted and become an entitled spoiled brat.

As a result, they eventually even let this new child attempt to put an end to their older son Randy. That led to Randy having to emancipate himself from the family once again. Randy had to distance himself from the surrogate family that only used him and eventually betrayed him for the younger model.

Randy’s been betrayed every which way possible. He’s been adopted into Hunter’s family not once–but twice! Yet still, he was betrayed. It’s no wonder he hears voices in his head and became this absolutely psychotic man that will RKO anyone in his path.

But does he need psychotherapy to combat this problem? Does Randy need an intervention of sorts to keep him from destroying the entire roster? NO!! Not in the slightest!

All Randy Orton needs is a hug.

The poor snake knows nothing of true love, affection, or caring feelings from people. Everyone has always used him and eventually betrayed him. Leaving him this broken shell of a man, filled with murderous voices telling him to hurt anyone who gets remotely close to him as a result of all the previous wrongdoings to him.

Really, Randy just needs a hug. Someone to not betray him, someone to be in a team with him and actually work with him and not power bomb him to the ground.

SmackDown: Return of the Shield…sort of. (4/23/15)

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Seth Rollins should never be allowed to speak, just for his own safety. The man can cut a beautiful promo, he’s an excellent heel–but he always manages to dig himself a grave. As of Thursday night SmackDown, he has managed to build himself an entire mausoleum. Not only did he make remarks about his future opponent at Extreme Rules, not only did he remark that he didn’t need anyone’s help (looking at you J&J) but he even went so far as to especially point out Kane.

What happens is something that’s very eerily reminiscent of a stunt Randy Orton had pulled weeks before. Kane proceeds to force a match right at the start, urging Seth to lie down for him. After scaring the golden boy to near death and getting him to lie down, Kane merely states that he was joking and wonders what happened to Seth’s sense of humor.

Hm, I remember a particular viper doing this before turning on the Authority.

However, Kane is very good at holding a grudge, which I think one has to admire. To teach Seth a valuable lesson and to prepare him for Extreme Rules (which is honestly really considerate), he sets up a match which will remind Seth just what extreme is. His opponent for the evening was to be Dean Ambrose who was more than ready to hurt the golden child, had Luke Harper not interfered and led to an ambush on Dean.

Roman Reigns entered and saved his brother while Kane seemed completely fine with this.

Kane’s facial expressions during this beat down are notable. While yes, he does remain rather stoic, I think it’s very telling of how he feels in regards to Seth Rollins. While he may not be wearing a demonic red mask to express himself, the plain-face clearly expresses one thing:

Kane would love nothing more than to watch Seth Rollins suffer and fall from his pedestal.

Dolph Ziggler, Neville vs. Sheamus, Bad News Barrett

In a battle of the giants (somewhat giants) versus the munchkins (they’re really not that short), team munchkins win when Neville hits BNB with the red arrow maneuver.

What a match this was to start off SmackDown. Well, the first actual match to happen at least. Neville and Dolph are both wonderful for showmanship and putting on a great match. Putting the two of them together created an explosive in-ring experience, especially tonight.

The most memorable part of the match has to be when Dolph and BNB were in the ring together. It’s clear they work rather well off of each other’s particular styles with their amazing counters and endless flow of movement around the ring.

Gee, maybe Sheamus and BNB will look at little men differently? Probably not, but they will remember this match for quite some time if they weren’t beaten too badly by it.

Promo: Bray Wyatt

Whoever Bray Wyatt is calling out is about to be exposed for the weakling he is because his strength is just an illusion.

Bray, you’re a wonderful madman but I’m an impatient loser who wants to know who you plan on attacking next. Rumor has it that the man he is calling out (**SPOILER ALERT**) is none other than Ryback. Not quite sure that I feel too strongly about that match up. While I understand it’s random because Bray just likes to call out whoever he damn well pleases (and he can, because he’s absolutely terrifying), I don’t see how this can play out between the two of them that would be beneficial for either contender.

Unless, this is just pure vengeance because Ryback must have eaten some of Bray’s food and now it’s just all going downhill from there. It’s believable, after all, Ryback seems to have a never ending stomach, Bray is psychotic…things can happen.

Naomi vs. Natalya

The new and very violent, very cocky and entertaining Naomi defeated Natalya with the rear view.

These two women have wonderful chemistry in the ring–even now that Naomi is through being the nice girl and is instead doing whatever she wants. They’re both incredible athletes and put on a performance as though they’re both two superheroes brawling for the greater good of the universe. If they could build a legitimate feud between the two of them that simply just isn’t women being catty women (as apparently every Diva’s feud has been for quite some time) they could really tell an amazing story.

Promo:Prime Time Players

The dynamic duo of Titus O’Neil and Darren Young do a fine job of calling out Tyson Kidd and Cesaro. Not only do they make sure to recap all the other tag teams they have made fun of, but they really get into their comedy job.

Hell, Titus had the leather satchel and beret and really channeled Antonio Cesaro so well. Calling out their opponents in these comical promos was such a wonderful idea that fits so well for these two.

But again, they absolutely could pull off having their own show.

In Ring Promo: Lana and Rusev

The promo comes before Rusev’s impending match. The ravishing Russian stands tall and beautiful beside her Bulgarian Brute (who has the chain with him of course, always be prepared). He just wants to make Cena suffer, prove Russia is the supreme, all that fun jazz.

The hate they get is quite lovely though.

Ryback vs. Rusev

In a match up of big mean man versus big mean man, the hungrier mean man (Ryback) won after Rusev hit him with the chain meaning Ryback won by disqualification.

As per usual, Rusev had to put Ryback in the accolade while using the chain.

It wasn’t a bad match, it was just brute versus brute. It did however, show how Rusev is willing to do anything to try and restart the unbeatable streak he had going for himself. He just wants to be the best and impress his lovely Lana even more, which you can’t fault the guy for.

But you know, if Lana ever leaves him I think everyone can expect the Bulgarian Brute to go into a full on meltdown and start charging the ring whenever he felt like it just to beat up people and leave.

Hell, I’d watch that.

Promo:Seth, J&J Security search for Luke Harper.

Can we talk about how Jamie Noble and Luke Harper are in some obscure, overly complicated way cousins? This big monster of a man with terrifying eyes and the little Noble that could? I want to know more about that relationship right there.

Oh this is a perfect opportunity for WWE to make a ridiculous twins reference with the two of them, it’s perfect!

But let’s also point out how Luke Harper appeared to be way more of a threat than Seth Rollins. While he is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion at the moment, the way they present him make it almost seem like he’s incapable of retaining the title on his own or even defeating Randy Orton legitimately by himself.

Seth Rollins, while a wonderful heel, is still being betrayed as a petrified puppy, fearful of everyone and hiding behind the Authority. It doesn’t bode well for someone who has a promising future.

Kofi vs. Cesaro

After the New Day cuts a promo on positivity, these two go head to head in preparation for their upcoming tag team match on Sunday. Due to a lovely distraction, Kofi is able to hit Cesaro with trouble in paradise for the win.

Have you ever heard someone say that baby blue is a likable color? The soft blue color is meant to make people feel calm, relaxed, and more at ease towards the person who is wearing it. It makes the wearer seem far more approachable and nicer than they may be. I find it funny that Cesaro was wearing the baby blue trunks in this match, when he and Tyson are notoriously the fact-dropping, cocky heels.

New Day’s been rising in the psychotic level, so could this be foreshadowing a turn in New Day becoming full-fledged evil clappers while the fact droppers become….sweet fact droppers?

I haven’t the slightest clue. I’m slightly confused on where these two groups are going.

Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper, Seth Rollins

Kane sits by and watches as Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns decimate their opponents, leading to Roman to spear Seth for the win.

Kane watches and it looks like he’s scouting out both Roman and Dean for Authority. One could even go as far as to think that Kane was reminiscing over him making Dean lose the Money in the Bank match. Perhaps he’s considering lending a hand to the fringe this time around? Who knows.

But this was one perfectly organized chaotic match. Bodies were everywhere.Harper had devastating superkicks, Dean was flying all over the ring and Roman was decimating Seth with brute strength.

Don’t worry, Seth proved he’s quite the competitor when he lifted Roman onto his shoulders and threw him into a turnbuckle. He’s more than capable of standing on his own against his brothers, he’s just rarely shown to be able to do that.

Not a single person was left unharmed in that match, and that’s always something to grin at. Something else that was highly enjoyable was the mini-Shield reunion in the ring. Granted, it was Dean and Roman laughing over decimating their estranged little brother, it was still highly entertaining.

I doubt it’s the reunion fans had hoped for in regards to the shield, but this was a well done teaser for what once was.

Plus, it was nice to not have to see the Big Show in another match with Roman given the fact that we’ll see them together on Sunday. Their matches have been a little stale, so it’s best to leave something for Sunday, given the negative fan reaction to the two of them in the ring together. Maybe they’ll come out with a nice little surprise.

Why Does Sheamus Hate Munchkins?

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Sheamus made his return to the WWE several weeks ago. Along with his return he brought with him a newfound hatred of munchkins. This is….quite strange, honestly. The man leaves due to an injury, only to return with this disdain for those that are smaller than he is.

Well…..what could possibly cause that? Something must have happened during Sheamus’ absence that led to this hatred. After all, he had quite a lot of time on his hands to recover. There was obviously something he had done to fill that time, maybe he went on an adventure! Something must have happened during that adventure to incite pure rage whenever Sheamus laid his eyes upon someone smaller than him.

But why? What could possibly happen? What sort of incident could occur that would lead to this man’s change of personality? Well, it’s quite obvious.

Sheamus must’ve been fooled by a leprechaun, therefore he hates those that are smaller than him.

Honestly, it all makes perfect sense. With all this free time on his hands he needed something to do. Sure some people may take up hobbies such as knitting or perhaps learning a new instrument, but not Sheamus! No not Sheamus at all, he is a man’s man, he doesn’t like to stay put! Sheamus likes to go on adventures, explore the world!

So…Sheamus decided to go on the greatest adventure of them all. The man decided to look for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Now it all may sound silly, but let us remember here we live in a world where men the likes of Stardust roam free, and people like Dean Ambrose get their skulls smashed through concrete but walk around relatively okay.

What better way to spend your free time than going on an adventure and looking for that pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow? Think about it, once you find it, it’s yours. Technically you don’t even have to put it in the bank or tell anyone you found it…just hide it somewhere and save it for a rainy day. Maybe go to a new hair stylist and try something new, get your beard groomed…

But unfortunately for Sheamus, sources say he never found that pot o’ gold. There were just far too many obstacles along the way. Rolling boulders, evil dragons, goblins under the bridge–he had no trouble in vanquishing any and all enemies. His problem came when he shin-to-face with a leprechaun.

No, not Hornswoggle, he’s only part leprechaun, we mean a full-time 365(or 366) days a year little green fellow.

No this leprechaun, well, he was a bit of a malicious fellow. He never wanted the gold to be found by anyone. This meant that the devious leprechaun had to keep Sheamus away.

So, he tricked Sheamus–but to what extent? Well no one knows quite honestly. All anyone can assume is that the treatment Sheamus must have received was quite brutal at the hands of the leprechaun. Was it this man that had given Sheamus his new look? We’ll never know. Sheamus does not speak of it, and he’s the only one that truly knows aside from the leprechaun who has yet to be found.

All we know is that as a result of being fooled and hurt by such a tiny man, Sheamus has developed a bit of an inferiority complex. Now he tries to overcompensate and show how much of a man he is. However his adventure trauma is leaking into his in-ring performance, as now he singles out any competitor that is smaller than him.

Honestly, I feel as though his attacks on Neville, Dolph Ziggler, and Daniel Bryan are his way of hurting the leprechaun he could never hurt.

RAW: EVERYONE GETS AN RKO (4/20/15)

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There’s a steel cage already set and present in the middle of the ring tonight, foreshadowing the events of Extreme Rules this Sunday. With the steel cage set and ready to be caressed, Randy Orton makes an appearance and admires his soon to be domain. After a once-over, he begins to insult his future opponent Seth Rollins. He makes a remark that Seth is a dumb bastard for choosing to ban the RKO because he doesn’t need his finisher in order to hurt him. Randy goes on to detail all the gruesome things he will do to him including breaking his jaw and shoving his boot in his gut.

Charming!

Seth Rollins enters with J&J security, commenting about the anger problem that Randy seems to have. Randy seems baffled by this, saying “Are you just now realizing that I have an anger problem!?” Apparently Seth did not get the memo before hand Mr. Orton.

After this Seth goes on to explain that he can out maneuver and out think anyone inside and outside the ring. After talking up Randy and noting that he is future hall of fame material he says “As good as you are Randy, I’m that much better.”

Well, Seth is going to die that’s for sure.

The segment ends with Randy promising to RKO everyone before the night is over, which of course strikes fear into the heart of the golden child.

Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper

Before the match begins Luke Harper comments “I don’t know why you ain’t afraid of me boy but after tonight you will be

No he won’t. The match is quickly taken outside of the ring and into the RAW audience. This leads to the match being over but neither superstar cares. They exchange blows through the aisles before making it to the ramp. Harper slams Dean head first into the LED board before trying to throw him off of the stage. Dean counters, but still gets pushed off. He’s quickly on his feet again and climbs onto the stage but Harper already runs away.

That leaves us with a disappointing, super quick match that doesn’t explain why the hell the lunatic fringe wouldn’t go after Luke Harper.

Promo: J&J, Seth Rollins

As the three of them are walking around backstage, enter the Prime Time Players sneaking around. Titus O’Neil can’t help himself, and he steals the show early on by barking and scaring the life out of Seth Rollins in the most magnificent way.

Hunter enters the scene, teasing the fact that Seth seems scared of Randy and possibly being RKO’ed. Seth takes the time to snitch on Kane and everything that happened while his parents were gone, which Hunter replies that he has everything under control. It ends with Seth thoroughly insulting his security team. He says that he wants more security, while Hunter reinforces the fact that Randy is just one guy.

Uh oh.

Lucha Dragons vs. Kofi Kingston, Big E (New Day)

During this lovely match up Kalisto uses Big E like a stripper pole early on. Just felt like that needed to be known.

All the while the tag team champions Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, and their manager Natalya are backstage studying the match to find out who they will face at Extreme Rules. The Lucha Dragons perform, as usual, an amazing stunt of doing a simultaneous back flip off of the top rope and onto Xavier and Big E at ringside.

However the match ends via a count out, leaving the New Day victorious. This was done by Xavier Woods hiding underneath the ring and holding Sin Cara’s leg to keep him from entering the ring.

As New Day is celebrating Randy Orton sneaks in and takes Kofi and Xavier out with an RKO. Big E nearly enters the ring to fight, but he quickly back downs from the Viper and retreats.

In summary, Randy really meant it when he promised to RKO everyone.

Fandango vs. Curtis Axel

Huh, that awkward moment when a brief dance-off starts in the beginning and Curtis Axel moves better than the actual dancer.

After about a minute the match ends with Fandango delivering last dance before pinning him. Fandango hops out of the ring in his 80’s inspired paint splattered pants as his heel theme plays. The sound guy realizes his mistake and quickly changes the tune as Fandango dances with the universe.

In Ring Promo: Triple H announces Tough Enough

Actually he starts by saying that Seth Rollins is the face of the WWE to carry the company for the next ten years, but it’s time to find the next Seth Rollins. Well damn, that seems awfully quick considering they just got this Seth Rollins.

Tough Enough premieres June 23rd. Yay. So submit your videos and explain why you’re tough enough. They are accepting ten men and five women because in the end only one of each gender will win.

As soon as Hunter is done promoting the millionth revival of the show, Kane enters. Kane says he can’t deal with the bratty Seth Rollins, and finds no worth in their investment in him, so he gives his two weeks notice.

Seth enters and he’s livid that Kane said he’s not worth the investment. He also claims that Kane should just quit as he gets in the big red reformed-monster’s face. Kane makes a point in saying that Seth was given everything and thought he earned it. Huh, that’s extremely similar to Stephanie McMahon. Like mother, like son. Kane points out that everything Seth has was because of him. Hell, they could have made El Torito champion if they wanted, because they did everything for him.

As a result, Hunter makes Kane the Guardian of the Gate at Extreme Rules for their match, forcing he and Seth to get along.

Promo: Kane and Seth arguing. Well, that didn’t last very long. Hunter tells Kane that he is no longer hellfire and brimstone and he is a corporate man now. Kane denies that and vows to prove himself, so he leaves.

Hunter then focuses on Seth, saying that he needs to appreciate his belt and everything that he has. Therefore, to actually be seen as ‘the man’ he will have the match he was supposed to have the previous week against Dolph Ziggler.

Naomi vs. Brie Bella

Nikki Bella on commentary, which means the men are focusing on the fact that the twins are on the cover of Muscle and Fitness Hers magazine.

Aside from that, Naomi showcases her new brutal, incredibly violent attitude as she decimates Brie Bella. Brie Mode was not enough to stop Naomi, as she very happily pins Brie for the win. All the while Nikki Bella looks very, very nervous

Promo: Heath Slater eats a table

Heath Slater is in catering, trying to enjoy his meal with Erick Rowan. He states that he’s going to answer John Cena’s open challenge for the US Championship… …then he gets RKO’ed through the table.

Promo: Roman Reigns

Roman Reigns is still angry at Big Show, so instead of talking he just wants a fight and calls out the giant. Show appears to fail, and Roman gets impatient.

But Bo Dallas does make his return!

The uh….less-than-motivational speaker says Roman is a failure and calls him the Tim Tebow of the WWE. Yet as soon as he enters the ring and says his famous line of ‘bolieve’ he gets a lovely superman punch to the face before he’s speared.

Roman vows to be the last man standing, and says we can “bolieve that” in the best possible impression of Bo Dallas that was absolutely ridiculous but comical.

Sheamus vs. Zack Ryder

Sheamus orders the referee to start the match, then pretends as though he is going to speak. Right as he does so, he kicks Zack Ryder for an early advantage. Sheamus toys with Zack the entire time, dragging him and throwign him around both inside and otuside the ring and kicking him like a soccer ball.

Just as he’s about to brogue kick him one last time, Dolph Ziggler enters and hits him with the zig zag. This results in Sheamus winning as a result of a disqualification.

John Cena vs. Kane

After issuing the open challenge as usual, Kane answers the call and Cena looks horrified. Kane immediately has control of the match, throwing Cena around both inside and outside the ring like a rag doll.

In the end, the demon is no longer the Devil’s favorite. John Cena counters the tombstone pile driver, hits Kane with the AA then pins him for the win and retains the title.

Well, now Kane looks like a massive joke to the Authority even more so than he did before.

Promo:Renee, The Miz

The Miz plugs his own movie while insulting Mizdow and calling him an ingrate. In the middle of his plug  he is cut off by Renee saying Byron is live with John Cena. Miz leaves in a fit of rage while the interview changes to Byron and Cena.

While Cena is ecstatic over his win against Kane, Rusev comes from behind and hits him in the back of the head with the chain. Then he puts him in the accolade and uses the chain to brutally suffocate John Cena’s nose.

Hardcore man, super hardcore.

Miz vs. Mizdow

For the rights to use the Miz gimmick

Right from the start Mizdow gets a two-count on the Miz nearly winning from the very beginning. When the control of the match goes back and forth, Miz resorts to cheating by holding Mizdow’s tights in a roll up but that’s not enough to put him away.

When Mizdow is hanging on the apron Summer Rae hits him in the face which allows Miz to take over and pin Mizdow for the win, retaining his iconic gimmick. As the Miz is about to announce himself as being awesome, Randy Orton slips in and RKO’s The Miz, bringing his body count up to four.

Promo: Bray Wyatt…being Bray

What can we even say about him anymore? Whoever he has decided to pick on this time, apparently fear motivates the person who likes to lift weights. Alright, I quit, someone call me when Bray reveals the individual.

Ryback vs. Adam Rose

To no one’s surprise, Ryback very quickly wins with the shell shock.

The hot dog and the banana of the rose buds enter the ring and try to take him on. Instead, they both get shell shocked at the same time. All the while Rebound Rosa is tending to Adam Rose.

Promo: Kane, Renee

Renee reveals to Kane that Seth’s security had sent out a tweet, indicating that Seth had suggested buying Kane denture cream and Depends.

Livid that this was shared with the entire world, Kane goes straight for Seth who is chatting with Hunter and the security team. Kane confronts Seth and gets in his face, ordering him to say the comments he made behind his back to him at that moment.

Instead, Seth apologizes and even dedicates his match with Dolph Ziggler to Kane.

Wow, talk about master of manipulation. A classic cerebral assassin tactic courtesy of Triple H, executed perfectly by his son Seth Rollins. Oh dear.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins

Seth makes no time in making good on his previous declaration. He takes control of the match and toys with Ziggler as he stomps on him countless times and taunts him. However once Dolph manages to side step Seth’s move, he gains control of the match but only for a short amount of time.

Dolph delivers a superkick to Seth that’s so devastating, he nearly pins Seth for the win. Seth popped out at the last possible second and thank god he did. J&J looked absolutely HORRIFIED at what they had seen.

Enter Sheamus who taunts Dolph at ringside and causes a distraction with his proclamations to kiss his arse. Seth takes advantage of the distraction courtesy of Sheamus, and manages to pin Dolph for the win. No curb stomp anywhere to be seen.

As Seth is calling out Randy Orton and saying how he’s going to beat him at Extreme Rules, Triple H enters and he does not look happy with his golden child. Hunter wants to look at the screen but Seth makes the mistake of interrupting him. Hunter looks ready to murder the child and thoroughly disown him while Seth continuously declares how he’s the man and will pin Randy on Sunday

….Then he calls Kane useless and obsolete.

This makes Kane enter, so to be safe Seth calls the steel cage down to keep himself safe while everyone else tries to keep Kane away from Seth.

When Seth turns around, Randy Orton is there and waiting.Trapped in a cage alone with the Viper, Seth desperately tries to escape but he can’t. He falls off of the top rope and Randy delivers another devastating RKO before raising the belt as though it’s his own. All the while Hunter looks like he’s considering kicking Seth to the curb and Kane looks absolutely delighted.

Okay, well. In all fairness to everyone enjoying Seth’s pain and misery…he did dig his own grave. Honestly, Stephanie and Hunter have spoiled him far too much and he has become an entitled brat.

Actually…He’s just like Veruca Salt.

Wow, what an achievement.

Stayed turned for this coming SmackDown, where asses prepare to be kissed and Russians start going crazy with chains!

Why Is Seth Rollins Such a Spoiled Brat?

Standard

It doesn’t go unnoticed that Seth Rollins has everything handed to him. Countless times he has won matches and opportunities that should never have been his in the first place. Take for instance, the Money in the Bank briefcase. Should that have been his? Oh no, not in the slightest! But luckily for him mommy and daddy Stephanie McMahon and Triple H sent Kane out to make sure he got his beloved possession.

Seth has everything handed to him. From opportunities, to victories, hell, even protection from anyone. As a result, he’s become quite the entitled brat. As the golden boy of the Authority rarely has he had to put in above minimal effort to obtain something. Everything is handed to him on a golden platter while other superstars are hungry and starving for these chances.

Well then, why? Why is everything simply given to him? Why has Seth Rollins become such an entitled brat? Seth Rollins suffers from an affliction that many of us have dealt with or have witnessed in our life times.

Seth Rollins suffers from little brother syndrome.

For those who are unaware of what this affliction is, it does sound quite strange. Just so you’re aware, little brother syndrome is common with families of multiple children–always the youngest sibling.

Let’s look at his time in the Shield. Seth was always well taken care of. He had his brothers to fall back on, those brothers being the now estranged from him Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. Dean and Roman made sure to protect Seth and carried him along the way–both physically and metaphorically. Seth was coddled during his time with them, planting the seeds for the brat that would soon form when joining up with the Authority.

After being adopted into the high-powered family, Seth moved on. No longer was he the young sibling to Roman and Dean, but he now become the younger brother of the highly successful Randy Orton. Seth was now the new prize of the family and it showed. While the jealously of Randy soon became obvious, the coddling of Seth became highly prominent.

Seth was constantly protected, even granted his own protectors in J&J Security. Not only that, but good uncle Kane made sure to throw in a choke slam or a tombstone any time that Seth needed help in winning. Big Show was always there to build up his confidence and spoil him with compliments. As for Randy? Well, he did his share in offering some protection or fighting his battles for him as well.

Stephanie and Triple H really sealed the deal in creating a spoiled monster. They treasured Seth Rollins, and still continue to do so seeing as he is now their champion. Stephanie constantly encouraged him like an over-protective yet incredibly loving evil mother. Then we have Hunter, the father that was clearly proud of Seth picking up a few of his mannerisms and behavior. Seth always ran to them when he was being threatened whether it was by his former brothers, John Cena, or anyone else that dared threatened his stance.

Like good parents, Stephanie and Hunter took care of him.

The actions of everyone that was close to Seth created an absolute monster. Now he firmly believes everything must be handed to him. Seth firmly believes that he is a gift to the WWE.

Seth firmly believes that the world bows down to him and kisses the ground he walks on.

Seth has a false sense of confidence in himself and the fact that nothing can go wrong, so long as the Authority take care of all of his dilemmas.

Oh Seth Rollins, one day you’ll learn ever spoiled brat is eventually disciplined.