SmackDown: Don’t Use Kane’s Bathroom! 4/2/15

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What would SmackDown be without the night coming to start with the golden child himself and his gang of misfit muscle? While the Architect and his goons head to the ring, we are informed that Tom Phillips is on commentary for the evening, filling in for Michael Cole who is hospitalized due to Brock’s attack.

But don’t worry, all of the usual announcers will be back on Monday. I do however, wonder what on earth happened to Cole’s poor shoe….that noble warrior that was left behind after Brock’s attack. What a shame.

While Seth is gloating we learn two very important things. One, his geography skills are impeccable as he describes his voyages between California and New York. The second being that there could have been a title match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship that very night on SmackDown. However because Brock turned into a raging psychopath he ruined his chances of having that rematch.

Enter Randy Orton who reminds everyone that he beat Seth at WrestleMania with a devastating RKO. He also takes the time to inform us once again that since last year’s WrestleMania, he never got his rematch and plans on invoking that against Seth.

Although, he does use some color insults such as referring to J&J as sewer rats, while Big Show and Kane are lap dogs for the authority. Big Show at least won at WrestleMania…Kane…well, Randy can’t remember even seeing him there.

But he was there,…I’m pretty sure at least.

Uh….he was there, right?

The Big Red Monster turned into Little Red Riding Hood, and while this may be true, it definitely upsets Kane. Bitter as humanly possible, Kane says Randy can get his title shot opportunity if he can defeat Big Show in a match.

Randy Orton vs. Big Show

Not long into the match Randy performs an impressive DDT to Big Show off of the top rope, and I’m sure the referee is very relieved in the fact that the ring did not break. The Authority however, is not happy with the treatment their giant has become a victim to.

Once the Authority enters the ring Randy automatically wins by disqualification since they each assault him and prepare him for Seth. Their champion climbs into the ring with the intent of finishing the job with a curb stomp. However Randy who was playing possum attacks Seth, only for him to slip away like a slimy little snake.

Ryback enters to save the day, and together he and Randy beat the Authority while Seth watches.

Huh. So…I think Seth needs a security upgrade.

Natalya vs. Naomi

Another incredibly short match, but hey at least this time Natalya actually has a competitor that’s a human and not a tiny bull.

The Bellas are on commentary, which once again means no one will comment on what’s going on in the ring until the match is over. Quite honestly it’s an absolute shame. Natalya and Naomi always put on great matches separately, but when together? It’s amazing!

The two of them in a match against each other is like watching a comic book come to life. Really, all they need is to bring in the Black Widow and the three of them could become the deadliest assassins imaginable, they’re absolutely wonderful in the ring.

The match between these super heroes ends when Naomi hits her opponent with slaymission before pinning Natalya for the win.

Promo: Kane and Seth Rollins

Seth apologizes for Kane getting hit with the RKO and basically not helping in the slightest. After the weak apology he goes on to express just how upset he was with Kane actually considering giving Randy the title shot at Extreme Rules.

Always the wonderful, small spoiled child he is, Seth manages to piss off Kane while he’s complaining. Eventually he just stops listening to Kane as he’s so affected by some sort of horrible smell in the office which causes him to flee.

The cause of the smell is one Dean Ambrose who loves Kane’s bathroom. Really, monogrammed towels and 6-ply toilet paper–you can’t get that just anywhere folks.

Livid that someone soiled the bathroom that only he is allowed to soil, Kane sets up a match between Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper.

Quite frankly, the grin on Dean’s face shows that it’s exactly what Dean wanted.

Promo: Byron interviews Roman Reigns

During the interview that probably should have been on Raw, we learn that Roman is fully well aware of the fact that he got his ass beat at WrestleMania. However, he likes to point out that every time he had fallen in suplex city he managed to pick himself up.

Hell, he might even buy a condo in suplex city. Which….dude, that’s a bit much, but that’s okay you’re clearly into pain that’s fine. Nothing wrong with that at all you just do your thing.

The main take away is that Brock Lesnar could not knock out Roman Reigns, which is quite a feat showing that Roman is a lot harder to take down than anyone thought.

The interview finishes with Roman acknowledging that Seth was the scavenger that picked their bones clean to get himself the belt. He then vows to beat Seth, and can you really blame the guy for wanting to kick the golden child’s ass?

The Miz vs. R-Truth

From the very beginning of the match the crowd makes it clear that they want Mizdow. However, they are left with an incredibly short match that ended with the Miz pinning Truth for the win after using his skull-crushing finale.

As he’s gloating Mizdow runs into the ring for the attack. He delivers Miz’s own finisher against him before grabbing the sunglasses and thoroughly enjoying the love from the crowd.

Good for you Mizdow, you get your revenge!

In Ring Promo: John Cena

John Cena is toting the belt around claiming that it’s finally getting the respect that it deserves in his hands. After going on his pro-America rant, he compares Rusev to the classic American Dream–except that he’s an ungrateful bastard.

He then goes on to make a comparison between himself and the Statue of Liberty, taking our lady’s famous words and twisting them around to explain how he will take on any challenger. This includes the underdogs, anyone he has buried, and anyone he hasn’t already buried so he can obviously bury them in the future.

Enter Rusev with a bandaged up Lana. While she is speaking Rusev goes on to interrupt her, saying it is his world and that he didn’t lose at WrestleMania. Obviously Rusev’s world is one full of lies because he absolutely did lose.

Later when Rusev tries to explain that at Extreme Rules, the ending will result in one particular way, he tries to get his Russian flag down but it doesn’t work. Instead, Cena works his magic and the American Flag drops down instead.

We’ll see John Cena vs. Rusev at Extreme Rules for the US Championship…and we’ll also probably see Lana having a very stern talk with whoever is involved with getting those flags up there.

Luke Harper vs. Dean Ambrose

Dean seems to be in command from the beginning of the match until Luke Harper catches him in the crossbody. After hurling him out of the ring, Ambrose hitting his back allows Luke to capitalize. Control switches back and forth for awhile, and Luke quite literally falls out of the ring numerous times resembling a majestic yet hammered ballerina.

When Dean is out of the ring to pursue Harper, the big man grabs Dean and power bombs him through the announcer’s table.

…I’m pretty sure Dean Ambrose won because Luke Harper tried to kill him.

Promo:Prime Time Players

These two call out ‘New Day’ and make fun of them every which way possible. Something noteworthy is that Titus does one lovely impression of Big E. Someone get this man an Oscar!

Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

This was originally meant to be a tag match including Bad News Barrett and Dolph Ziggler. However because of the brutal punishment Sheamus inflicted upon Dolph at RAW, that match could not be possible.

Before Daniel enters the ring, Sheamus asks where have all the real men gone and I swear to you I thought he was going to give us a rousing rendition of ‘I Need a Hero’. However, he proclaims that he’s going to crush the underdogs and destroy everyone, finishing up with:

“I’m simply here to crush your hopes and dreams.”

Well, that’s not very nice. Rude.

During the match itself Bad News Barrett is on commentary, and decides to share his taste in interior design by commenting how god-awful the furniture at ringside looks. Well, someone’s a picky little former champion.

However there is a comment delivered by BNB that’s absolutely full of salt and vinegar getting a feeble, but comedic response from Byron.

BNB: Saxton, you’ve never done anything good in your life.

Byron: Okay just checking.

…Perhaps I found that to be funnier than it should have been?

On to the match!

Sheamus is particularly brutal when it comes to Daniel Bryan. Watching the fight could make the viewer cringe as Sheamus shows off some new, brutal offensive maneuvers. However, Daniel can be just as brutal. When Daniel takes control of the match he displays his brutality as well.

Towards the end of the match Daniel is up on the apron having another head-butting match. Sheamus throws Daniel off of the apron. The goat man falls in between the announcer’s tables and smashes his head on the floor. Just as he gets up, BNB stands up and sneaks in a bull hammer, knocking him down once again.

Sheamus leaves the ring just to have the pleasure of smearing Daniel’s blood across his chest. He climbs back into the ring and wins the match via a count out. All the while the goat is bleeding rather pitifully all over the nice flooring.

Well….that was an interesting episode of SmackDown that was all over the place. There was a great diva’s match that was cut incredibly short and wasn’t discussed in the slightest. Every match was actually ridiculously short except for the main event. This was just one of those episdoes that went went by in an instant.

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