Alas, what was once promised to us has not come true.
Michael Cole will not be joining the Universe for Monday Night RAW. Instead to take his place is Byron Saxton on commentary! Also missing from the night are Stephanie and Triple H who are on vacation..probably to recover from the stress of Brock Lesnar and getting beaten by Ronda Rousey in front of millions of viewers.
The night starts with Seth Rollins and his authority buddies. The boos are so loud that Seth can barely speak, which prompts Big Show to try and silence the crowd for him but to no avail.
Seth is overjoyed that his parents are on a well deserved vacation, which means he’s obviously planning to throw a ‘wicked rager’ while they’re gone. He goes on to gloat about himself for a seemingly endless amount of time before talking up the great Triple H and Big Show for their victories at WrestleMania.
Kane on the other hand? Well….”And Kane….Kane was there!”
Oh dear. Seth does not do well with others. He may be considered ‘the Architect of the Shield’ but he needs to learn how to construct a sentence that isn’t going to insult the Devil’s favorite demon.
Big Show talks up Seth as usual, and when Kane finally gets a chance to speak, he is silenced by the entrance of Randy Orton.
Randy expresses his desire for a title match at Extreme Rules, reminding everyone he never got a rematch. Seth says that Randy complains too much, and oh lord this is a massive case of the pot calling the kettle black.
Randy tries to appeal to Kane for the match, and he does so by thoroughly insulting him.
Kane has a breakdown because no one respects him nor seems to fear him anymore and he seems incapable of doing his job. To make sure people know their place and understand the title he holds, he sets up a triple threat match for the number one contendership for Seth’s title. Those three wrestlers are: Roman Reigns, Randy Orton, and Ryback.
But before the triple threat match can start each man will have a single’s match, and oh dear this news just infuriates the golden child.
Randy Orton vs. Kane
Near the end of the match Kane exits the ring when he realizes Randy’s getting ready to use his finisher. Kane failed to notice Randy slipping out of the ring to attack him. As they near the timekeeper’s area, Kane grabs a chair and hits Randy in the gut.
This leads to a disqualification giving Randy the win. That’s not good enough for Kane who simply wants to hurt Randy. In the ring Kane goes for the choke slam but Randy quickly slips away and attempts the RKO, but Kane manages to slide out of the ring for a quick, embarrassing getaway.
Promo: Kane, Brad Maddox, Seth Rollins
Brad Maddox is there for only a second as Kane angrily wonders why on earth he’s there. Brad is quickly overshadowed by Seth who enters and is livid beyond belief.
Seth proclaims that Kane doesn’t pull his own weight among the group, and he doesn’t put Seth’s protection as a number one priority.
Kane informs Seth that him defending the title at Extreme Rules is what’s best for business. Then he proposes that Seth is actually afraid of Randy, which leads to a whole other round of whining.
Seth thinks Kane should step down as director of operations. Then when it’s brought to his attention that his parents are on vacation and isolated from any sort of contact, he realizes he has no way of calling for help. Instead, he basically infers that once mommy and daddy are back Kane will be in so much trouble because he’ll tell on him.
Oh, and Kane sets up a match for Seth with a mystery opponent.
Seth Rollins vs. Neville
Before the match can begin Seth begins to degrade Neville, prompting him to speak up before quickly retracting the offer. He tells the audience that Neville is nervous and orders the pipsqueak to sit the match out.
To which Neville so kindly responds by kicking Seth so hard his intestines burst.
Seth toys with Neville from the start, but soon Neville is able to take control. He’s flipping every which way possible in the ring and…over it? He does a dizzying variation of a suicide dive as he flips out of the ring and manages to land like a cat on his feet.
Another impressive maneuver of his was countering out of Seth throwing him into the turnbuckle and instead flips him into it.
However that does not prove to be enough, and Seth curb stomps him to pin for the win. After the match is over Seth has J&J set up Neville for another curb stomp before gloating over him with the belt in hand.
John Cena vs. Stardust
US Championship Title Match
John Cena goes on another ‘viva amurrica’ rant before issuing yet another open challenge for the title.This time Stardust rises to the occasion, and just like Dean Ambrose did the previous week, he surprises everyone with his skills.
Stardust too proves to be quite the contender for the title. He counters out of the AA on more than one occasion and he is not easy to pin as he counters out of that several times as well.
Stardust nearly beats John Cena, but when John kicks out at two Stardust gets mad at the referee, claiming he miscounted and cost him the win. This causes Stardust to lose control of the match and allows John Cena to capitalize.
In the end, John Cena wins after hitting him with the AA to pin for the win.
So…my guess is now that Dean and Stardust have both fought him, next week we’ll have Luke Harper to go for the belt and we’ll have the same or extremely similar match we had for the IC championship for the US Championship as well.
Paige, Naomi vs. The Bella Twins
When Paige is the legal woman in the match she gets thrown out of the ring by Brie, only for Nikki to deliver a brutal clothesline that nearly results in a count out.
Things get hectic near the end of the match once again when both Bella twins are in the ring. Rather than working in sync like they had done earlier, the twins manage to hit one another. This allows Naomi to take control and hit her slaymission to pin for the win.
Promo: Prime Time Players
After thoroughly mocking New Day in the best possible way they move on to mock the Ascension. Or shall I say, the team that is a cross between flying monkeys and the Legion of Doom?
These two are hysterical, and definitely need their own show where they simply mock every superstar.
Luke Harper vs. Ryback
As per usual, Luke Harper is being an utter brute. Luke’s behavior in the ring is so volatile that when he neared the announce table, JBL grabbed his cowboy hat and looked like he was ready to run for his life.
To be fair, the man does not need to have another surgery for a torn abdominal wall, that stuff is exhausting.
In the end, Ryback beats the brute by performing shell shock before pinning him for the win.
Promo: Renee and New Day
The New Day have lost their damn minds. The ‘New Day sucks’ chants pain them, and in all honesty, they confess they need to clap….or snap.
Oh. Okay. So they’ve gone absolutely mental. We’re lucky they can’t perform a thunderclap they’d destroy an entire arena full of people, geez.
Before we move on, during this promotional mental breakdown of the three men, Big E reveals that he can imitate a child’s voice in the most magical way, well done.
Lucha Dragons vs. Big E, Xavier Woods
Right from the start of the match Big E and Xavier display a new found passion for being an utter brute.They manage to get Sin Cara in their corner and stomp him out. They repeatedly tag one another to avoid the 5 count, and they repeat this several times before Sin Cara can get away.
Nearing the end of the match Kofi performs a cheap shot by kicking Kalisto from ringside while the referee is busy. While Kofi lends a hand, it’s still not enough to weaken him so that Xavier can pin him.
Eventually the match ends after Sin Cara pins after delivering a swanton bomb.
Big Show vs. Roman Reigns
(If I have to sit through one more match between these two in the near future I’m going to put my head through a window.)
Big Show manages to put in more effort than usual in this match as he takes it all around the ring, even outside of it. Big Show delivers quite the beating to Roman, though it doesn’t compare to what Brock had previously done to him.
While Roman is at ringside, Big Show pulls him up onto the apron by his hair. Roman is laughing and clearly enjoying the pain–which you know, that’s fine, whatever you’re into. Big Show finds this bizarre, so Roman capitalizes on the slight distraction and attacks.
After three superman punches and a spear, Roman pins him for the win.
Promo:Kane and…too many shrieking women.
Responsible adult Kane leaves a message for Stephanie and Triple H indicating that he clearly has everything under control.
Enter the shrieking chorus of Natalya, Cameron, Alicia, and Summer Rae to absolutely bombard him.
The girls convey their thoughts on Naomi pinning the Diva’s champ not once, but twice already. They want to be given a chance as well and beg Kane for a Diva’s battle royal for contendership for the title.
Well, they don’t so much as beg really as they do fondle and flirt with him until he is forced to say yes. Kane could care less about their flirting, he simply did not enjoy the sounds of their shrill voices.
Promo:Roman and Renee
Renee questions Roman about the triple threat match later in the evening, to which he so cockily replies “Wait till you see what I do next.”
I sense a punch or spear in someone’s future.
Sheamus vs. Mark Henry
First of all, Sheamus takes the time to allow the audience to bask in the appearance of a real man…to which they chant ‘you look stupid’.
He then teases other competitors, calling every one else little mean such as Dolph Ziggler. Basically, he’s too much of a big strong man for the roster.
Well, until Mark Henry comes out of course to answer the challenge.
Sheamus refuses to have a match with this man, because he doesn’t want to waste time with a has-been. He attempts to leave and Mark Henry simply grabs him and yanks him off of the apron, pulling him back into the ring over the top rope. Livid that he was man-handled in such a way, Sheamus accepts the match so he can show who’s the real man.
Hell, he even stands in the middle of the ring at one point and shouts “are you not entertained?”, a sweet Gladiator reference of course.
In the end, Sheamus wins with a brogue kick before pinning for the win. Where’s an easy button when you need one?
Promo: Bray Wyatt
This man has his eyes set on someone who is afraid of failure. “You know who you are, I’m talking to you.”
Well I hope they know who they are because I have no idea who the hell he’s talking to.
Promo:Renee and Ryback.
He basically says that tonight it’s nothing personal, but there’s a big opportunity on the line and he just wants the belt.
The Miz vs. Mizdow
Mizdow starts off the match by being particularly brutal to his former boss. There’s no shame as he beats him around the ring senselessly, and can you blame him? Mizdow steals the show this match showing off that he’s not just an A list star, but a great in-ring talent.
He even stops Miz from getting him with a low-blow, catching his leg and challenging him by asking ‘really’?
However, newfound rage is just not enough. Miz rolls Mizdow up and pins him for the win–but only because he was holding the tights.
Promo:Renee and Randy
Randy is prepared to mow down anyone who stands in his way. He wants a shot at the title, and…he wants to beat Seth Rollins all over again.
Randy Orton vs. Ryback vs. Roman Reigns
From the beginning of the match Ryback is quick to try and cover anyone. Realizing it’s much more difficult on doing so when there’s two opponents, he throws Randy out of the ring before carrying on.
The Authority joins these men by standing on the ramp to watch and admire the show. Really, is this a safe idea? Dangling the golden child in front of everyone who wants to kill him?
No it was not a safe idea at all.
Once they’re at ringside Roman dives like a cat over the top rope and lands on top of the Authority. He then grabs Seth by the hair, fully intent on killing him. Luckily for Seth, Big Show comes to save the day and delivers a knock out punch to the large Samoan before dropping him on the ramp.
Randy then moved to drag Seth in the ring, but J&J attack. After he disposes of the hobbits he takes care of Ryback and pins him for the win.
…Then Seth decides he wants to make his situation even worse for himself and curb stomps Randy in the ring even after the match is over.
Great, that’s a great idea Seth! Further taunt the man who will be facing you at Extreme Rules and curb stomp him after he won. That’s a splendid idea. It’s not as though you already have Kane on your bad side. Yeah can’t imagine anything possibly going south for you in the near future…
Actually, if he can defend his title at Extreme Rules without any outside interference, that would be grand in solidifying him as the future of the WWE, and showing that he is more than capable of doing things on his own.
…But I’d really love it if Kane turns at some point and choke slams Seth through a ring. Or through a wall. His parents wouldn’t be happy about that but it would be quite amusing.