Welcome to Raw London, where the audience members are all musical geniuses.When John Cena indulges them with his presence, they indulge him with their own song.
‘John Cena sucks….John Cena sucks!’
Not only are we once again being treated to a musical number, but we learn that Michael Cole is in fact back! He looks fine, doesn’t look traumatized or injured in the slightest. I bet those days to ‘recover’ were just relaxation days, what a cheater.
Now back to Super-Suck Cena. Once again he issues an open challenge for the United States Championship. This time the man to answer the challenge is the hometown man, Bad News Barrett. His reasoning? Well, why wait until Extreme Rules to battle Daniel Bryan for the Intercontinental title when he can just take the US title from Cena?
I’m sure he simply thinks he will get the US title, go on to Extreme Rules and take the IC title and hold both. Ah Barrett, so much hope!
Also quite greedy, but to each their own.
John Cena vs. Bad News Barrett
Like Dean Ambrose and Stardust before him, BNB proves to be a difficult opponent for Cena. He delivers a particualrly nasty elbow drop to Cena who is down by the announce table.
Later he throws Cena into the steel steps (uh, ouch). The two counter each other’s moves countless times. Each get several near pin-falls.
The brawler twist coupled with the hometown advantage do not help BNB. After an attitude adjustment, Cena pins him and retains the title.
Once the brawl is over, Lana makes an appearance on the ramp but barely gets a word in. From behind, Rusev hits John across the head with his fist wrapped up in chains. It is at that point that Lana decides to inform John that Rusev’s match at Extreme Rules will be a ‘Russian Chain Match’.
Alright, well good to know I guess.
Diva Battle Royal
The Bella Twins are on commentary to see who Nikki’s future oppponent at Extreme Rules will be.
The competitors are: Paige, Natalya, Cameron, Alicia Fox, Naomi, Summer Rae, Rosa Mendes, Emma
The final two divas left standing in this free-for-all are Naomi and Paige. The two divas go back and forth for quite some time, clearly being evenly matched as they fight to eliminate the other.
In the end it’s Paige who eliminates Naomi. Meaning Paige will face Nikki Bella at Extreme Rules.
In Ring Promo:Byron and Paige
Paige goes through a brief histroy of her journey to get to the WWE. As she’s speaking, Naomi enters the ring and attacks her.
Naomi tackles Paige out of the ring and gives her the most brutal beat down I have ever seen Naomi deliver. She throws her around like a rag doll and treats her like trash before leaving the ring.
Damn Naomi, someone did not take their loss graciously. Still a great way to do a heel turn.
(More like Cousin It)
Bray very dearly wants to rip the love out of someone and fill that void with fear.
Okay. Fine. You go do that, very far away from me.
Lucha Dragons vs. The Ascension
In this quick match Kalisto spins around Viktor like a tiny, glittering little tornado. All the while Sin Cara takes care of Konnor at ringside.
In the end after a senton by Sin Cara, Viktor is pinned giving the Lucha Dragons the win.
In Ring Promo:Booker T and Roman Reigns
Booker asks how Roman’s mental state is at the moment, all the whole the universe is chanting ‘suplex city bitch’.
Roman mentions how he was so close to beating Brock, but Seth capitalized and stole his WrestleMania moment. Roman swears that he can beat Seth and become the new champion, solely because he has beaten Seth in the past.
However, the universe deems it appropriate to chant ‘thank you Big Show’ for screwing Roman over.
The moment Roman proclaims that Big Show is Seth’s giant bitch, Big Show appears on the screen. ‘Boring’ chants fill the air as he says that Roman failed at WrestleMania while he succeeded and became the greatest giant known.
Roman’s counter is that Big Show doesn’t have the balls to say it to his face. Mind you this is before he threatens to shove Big Show’s trophy down his throat and retire him.
Well done, Roman was on a roll with this promo.
The roll comes to an abrupt stop when as he’s leaving to the locker room he’s ambushed by Big Show. He’s thrown into the taxi on the ramp not once, but twice before he’s choke slammed right on the roof of the taxi.
Randy Orton vs. Cesaro
Tyson pulls Randy off of the apron, which leads to Randy attacking Tyson and the viper winning as a result of disqualification.
Enter Kane, who reminds everyone that he is still in charge while the parents are away. He can’t just allow the match to end in a DQ. Kane orders for the match to restart and makes it a 2×1 handicap match.
Randy Orton vs. Cesaro, Tyson Kidd
Tyson and Cesaro together gang up on Randy, beating him into a corner mercilessly.
Later Cesaro pulls Tyson out of the ring which angers the Viper. Randy goes after Cesaro at ringside and manages to take him out, only for Tyson to run along the barrier and attack him.
Tyson jumps from the top rope, which allows Randy to deliver a vicious RKO. Randy wins after pinning him. I’m sure somewhere backstage Seth Rollins is having a fit because now Randy can choose his stipulation for the match at Extreme Rules.
Promo:Seth, Kane, J&J Security
Seth refuses to face Dolph Ziggler later in the night. Instead he wants to face Jamie so the hobbit can lie down for him and give Seth the easy win to choose his stipulation.
Jamie, not one to damage his pride in front of millions immediately turns it around on Kane claiming it’s all his fault. Kane’s idea however involves Seth’s testicles and a car battery.
…Dude, relax, this is a PG program.
Seth wants Kane to lay down and let him win. So, Kane has to obey the golden brat’s orders, or Seth is going to call daddy Triple H and tell on him.
Adam Rose vs. Dean Ambrose
During this quick match up up (probably because of the nasty bump Ambrose took at WrestleMania), Adam rolls out of the ring when he notices the lunatic climb onto the top rope.
Not one to lose out on beating his opponent mercilessly, Dean climbs off of the rope and instead goes for a suicide dive outside the ring.
In the end, Dean Ambrose wins after pinning the uh…odd party animal after he’s hit with dirty deeds.
Promo:Kane and Big Show
Big Show expresses to Kane that he had to do what he had to do to get to be on the winning team, which is obviously the Authority. He wants Kane to lie down for Seth so that they can make sure Seth gets his dream stipulation and the Authority can remain winners.
Stardust vs. Fandango
Another rapid fire match! Aside from the ‘Cody’ chant toying with Stardusts’ mind, there’s only one notable move that occurs. Stardust performs a kick off of the top rope that takes Fandango out and allows him to pin the dancer for the win.
When the match is over Fandango realizes his problem was that he was only sharing his dancing gift with Rosa and not the entire world. Fandango dumps Rosa and proceeds to dance along to his original theme in a rather special sort of face turn.
Promo:Kane and Daniel Bryan
As opposed to Big Show, Daniel does not want Kane to lie down for Seth. He points out that Kane would be emulating the very thing that put WCW out of business–which is definitely not best for business. Daniel wants the old Kane, Demon Kane, the Big Red Monster to be a man and put an end to Seth Rollins.
Quite frankly, so do I. It’s only a matter of time until the spoiled brat says too much and makes Kane snap.
Seth Rollins vs. Kane
At the start of the match Kane surprises Seth by beginning to strip, which naturally as Seth telling him over and over again not to. Hey, it’s because Seth doesn’t want to actually fight Kane, not because he doesn’t appreciate Kane’s art of undressing. Although, I suppose Kane took it rather negatively because the moment Kane stepped up to him, Seth looked scared.
Kane eventually does lie down, but when Seth goes for the pin he kicks out at two.
The hobbits go in and what an awful mistake that was. Kane throws them both out of the ring, then when Seth yells at him, Kane slaps him into the next century. Eventually Kane goes for the choke slam, but Seth begs and pleads with him to stop before angrily ordering Kane to lie down.
Kane is almost down, but then he jumps up and choke slams Seth into the mat.
Eventually Kane decides to go with what’s best for business. He lays down on the mat and rolls Seth over himself, allowing Seth to get the win.
Oh Kane, you’ve reached a new low. This may be lower than the actual depths of hell man.
Miz vs. Mizdow
Mizdow is now accompanied by Summer Rae! How precious!
Before the match begins there is a strip-off between the two men. As the crowd seems to be enjoying Mizdow’s stripping more, Miz immediately attacks him.
In the end, Mizdow rolls him up and pins Miz for the three count. Mizdow gets to leave the ring with the victory, and the girl!
Promo: Prime Time Players
These two go through a quick run-through of who they’ve mocked which is The New Day, and the Ascension.
Next on their list? Los Matadores and their rainbow bear–I mean…the bull…right?
Ryback vs. Luke harper
Right from the start of the match Luke Harper delivers a super kick to Ryback which nearly earns him the win.
Later he takes the cover from the announce table and hits Ryback with it. That leads to a disqualification which gives Ryback the win.
Enter one Dean Ambrose who is out for revenge. He mauls Harper just a bit before Harper ultimately flees.
Promo:Byron and Naomi
Byron questions why Naomi would attack Paige, and her answer is perfect.
Naomi doesn’t care about Paige or the fact that they’re in her country. None of this is about Paige, it’s about Naomi. She points out that she was the number one contender, and there was no need for the Battle Royal the divas just had.
She also points out that she was in NXT alongside AJ. Now AJ’s retiring and being called a legend yet Naomi still hasn’t been given her chance.
So now she’s taking it.
Well good for you!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Neville
Before the match Dolph cuts a promo. He congratulates Kane on giving Seth his cheapest win to date. Oh, he also suggests that Kane should change his name officially to ‘Devil’s Favorite Dumb ass’.
After thoroughly insulting the demonic dumb ass, he issues an open challenge to whomever wants to go toe to toe with the best in the world.
Neville answers that challenge! Right from the beginning he’s very strong in having control of the match. Hell he even performs an amazing feet of running along the barrier before flipping onto Dolph at ringside.
However, while Neville put on quite the show, it wasn’t enough. Dolph counters Neville’s red arrow and performs zig zag which allows him to pin Neville for the win.
After the match is over Sheamus enters the ring and assaults both of the munchkins. Dolph manages to survive the onslaught slightly longer than Neville. There is an all out brawl between Dolph and Sheamus before Sheamus finally ends it all with a brogue kick.
Main Event:Seth Rollins and Randy Orton choose their stipulations.
Seth has a sweet set up in the ring for himself and the hobbits. While the hobbits get nice luxurious armchairs, Seth himself has an amazing recliner. Perhaps it’s the newest from La-Z-Boy’s newest line for the spoiled wrestler in all of us.
He gloats about beating Roman and Brock Lesnar at the same time on the same night before he beckons Randy Orton out to deliver his stipulation. Quite honestly, Randy just wants to fight and deliver his stipulation over his unconscious body.
Seth’s stipulation is banning the RKO…which is acceptable considering the devastating maneuver that he fell victim to at WrestleMania. Randy’s stipulation however is a steel cage match, and oh does Seth just pale at the thought of being locked in a steel cage with the viper.
Once that’s all said and done, Randy flips the recliner over and attacks the three men. He manages to RKO Joey because he interfered when he went after Seth. The golden brat manages to escape relatively unharmed while his hobbits once again are destroyed by the Viper.
Huh. I hope they can get that recliner replaced, it looked comfortable.
Well then…we’ve had Naomi indulge us with a heel turn while Fandango turned face. No one knows who the hell Bray Wyatt is talking about, and Kane has officially sunk to the lowest point possible for any human or demonic deity.
SmackDown’s going to be interesting…possibly.