Why Won’t Luke Harper Bathe?


Anyone with slightly decent vision is able to see Luke Harper’s stench emanating from a mile away.

Luke Harper must have mis-read a bottle of detergent in his youth and thought it read ‘deterrent’; because he has certainly never grabbed a jug of Tide in his life. Honestly, even a Clorox bleach pen would help to get the stains out of his shirt. That tank top of his looks like it went through a grime-laden hell seven times over before being dumped in dirty laundry purgatory.

Luke Harper resembles a man who has not once entered a laundromat. He is the every-man who detests showers and bathtubs as they are clearly his kryptonite. He is a man of natural stench, even if that stench has become noxious gas. But why? Why doesn’t Luke Harper bathe?

Why doesn’t Luke Harper ever go down to Bray Wyatt’s swamp and at least wash his clothes against the rocks?

It’s quite simple really, no one wants to get near a man who smells as though he is the rotting flesh leftover from between the teeth of a T-rex.

Luke’s stench and dirty appearance is all a part of his strategy. People don’t want to be too close to him as they don’t want his stink to rub off on him. Those who have seen something crawling in his hair and fear bugs wouldn’t dare be too close for too long. Luke’s dirty, disgusting appearance is a way of defeating his opponents.

It’s all about psyching them out. They see this man and automatically become captivated by his stink. They are so worried about catching something or being equally as dirty, that they aren’t nearly as focused on the match as Luke is. They either lose control over the match and fail miserably because they’re distracted; or they want to get as far away from him as possible and put in minimal effort.

Luke Harper, you dirty, gross looking man…you are one sly devil. Using your stink as an offensive weapon in the subtlest way possible is a wonderful strategy. I applaud you sir, for always having this handy, dirty weapon by your side.

But um…seriously, one day maybe just spray some Febreze on that shirt. I’m not saying you have to wash it or even use a pretty scent but hell even Lysol would do a great job disinfecting that.

Just saying!

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