RAW: EVERYONE GETS AN RKO (4/20/15)

Standard

There’s a steel cage already set and present in the middle of the ring tonight, foreshadowing the events of Extreme Rules this Sunday. With the steel cage set and ready to be caressed, Randy Orton makes an appearance and admires his soon to be domain. After a once-over, he begins to insult his future opponent Seth Rollins. He makes a remark that Seth is a dumb bastard for choosing to ban the RKO because he doesn’t need his finisher in order to hurt him. Randy goes on to detail all the gruesome things he will do to him including breaking his jaw and shoving his boot in his gut.

Charming!

Seth Rollins enters with J&J security, commenting about the anger problem that Randy seems to have. Randy seems baffled by this, saying “Are you just now realizing that I have an anger problem!?” Apparently Seth did not get the memo before hand Mr. Orton.

After this Seth goes on to explain that he can out maneuver and out think anyone inside and outside the ring. After talking up Randy and noting that he is future hall of fame material he says “As good as you are Randy, I’m that much better.”

Well, Seth is going to die that’s for sure.

The segment ends with Randy promising to RKO everyone before the night is over, which of course strikes fear into the heart of the golden child.

Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper

Before the match begins Luke Harper comments “I don’t know why you ain’t afraid of me boy but after tonight you will be

No he won’t. The match is quickly taken outside of the ring and into the RAW audience. This leads to the match being over but neither superstar cares. They exchange blows through the aisles before making it to the ramp. Harper slams Dean head first into the LED board before trying to throw him off of the stage. Dean counters, but still gets pushed off. He’s quickly on his feet again and climbs onto the stage but Harper already runs away.

That leaves us with a disappointing, super quick match that doesn’t explain why the hell the lunatic fringe wouldn’t go after Luke Harper.

Promo: J&J, Seth Rollins

As the three of them are walking around backstage, enter the Prime Time Players sneaking around. Titus O’Neil can’t help himself, and he steals the show early on by barking and scaring the life out of Seth Rollins in the most magnificent way.

Hunter enters the scene, teasing the fact that Seth seems scared of Randy and possibly being RKO’ed. Seth takes the time to snitch on Kane and everything that happened while his parents were gone, which Hunter replies that he has everything under control. It ends with Seth thoroughly insulting his security team. He says that he wants more security, while Hunter reinforces the fact that Randy is just one guy.

Uh oh.

Lucha Dragons vs. Kofi Kingston, Big E (New Day)

During this lovely match up Kalisto uses Big E like a stripper pole early on. Just felt like that needed to be known.

All the while the tag team champions Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, and their manager Natalya are backstage studying the match to find out who they will face at Extreme Rules. The Lucha Dragons perform, as usual, an amazing stunt of doing a simultaneous back flip off of the top rope and onto Xavier and Big E at ringside.

However the match ends via a count out, leaving the New Day victorious. This was done by Xavier Woods hiding underneath the ring and holding Sin Cara’s leg to keep him from entering the ring.

As New Day is celebrating Randy Orton sneaks in and takes Kofi and Xavier out with an RKO. Big E nearly enters the ring to fight, but he quickly back downs from the Viper and retreats.

In summary, Randy really meant it when he promised to RKO everyone.

Fandango vs. Curtis Axel

Huh, that awkward moment when a brief dance-off starts in the beginning and Curtis Axel moves better than the actual dancer.

After about a minute the match ends with Fandango delivering last dance before pinning him. Fandango hops out of the ring in his 80’s inspired paint splattered pants as his heel theme plays. The sound guy realizes his mistake and quickly changes the tune as Fandango dances with the universe.

In Ring Promo: Triple H announces Tough Enough

Actually he starts by saying that Seth Rollins is the face of the WWE to carry the company for the next ten years, but it’s time to find the next Seth Rollins. Well damn, that seems awfully quick considering they just got this Seth Rollins.

Tough Enough premieres June 23rd. Yay. So submit your videos and explain why you’re tough enough. They are accepting ten men and five women because in the end only one of each gender will win.

As soon as Hunter is done promoting the millionth revival of the show, Kane enters. Kane says he can’t deal with the bratty Seth Rollins, and finds no worth in their investment in him, so he gives his two weeks notice.

Seth enters and he’s livid that Kane said he’s not worth the investment. He also claims that Kane should just quit as he gets in the big red reformed-monster’s face. Kane makes a point in saying that Seth was given everything and thought he earned it. Huh, that’s extremely similar to Stephanie McMahon. Like mother, like son. Kane points out that everything Seth has was because of him. Hell, they could have made El Torito champion if they wanted, because they did everything for him.

As a result, Hunter makes Kane the Guardian of the Gate at Extreme Rules for their match, forcing he and Seth to get along.

Promo: Kane and Seth arguing. Well, that didn’t last very long. Hunter tells Kane that he is no longer hellfire and brimstone and he is a corporate man now. Kane denies that and vows to prove himself, so he leaves.

Hunter then focuses on Seth, saying that he needs to appreciate his belt and everything that he has. Therefore, to actually be seen as ‘the man’ he will have the match he was supposed to have the previous week against Dolph Ziggler.

Naomi vs. Brie Bella

Nikki Bella on commentary, which means the men are focusing on the fact that the twins are on the cover of Muscle and Fitness Hers magazine.

Aside from that, Naomi showcases her new brutal, incredibly violent attitude as she decimates Brie Bella. Brie Mode was not enough to stop Naomi, as she very happily pins Brie for the win. All the while Nikki Bella looks very, very nervous

Promo: Heath Slater eats a table

Heath Slater is in catering, trying to enjoy his meal with Erick Rowan. He states that he’s going to answer John Cena’s open challenge for the US Championship… …then he gets RKO’ed through the table.

Promo: Roman Reigns

Roman Reigns is still angry at Big Show, so instead of talking he just wants a fight and calls out the giant. Show appears to fail, and Roman gets impatient.

But Bo Dallas does make his return!

The uh….less-than-motivational speaker says Roman is a failure and calls him the Tim Tebow of the WWE. Yet as soon as he enters the ring and says his famous line of ‘bolieve’ he gets a lovely superman punch to the face before he’s speared.

Roman vows to be the last man standing, and says we can “bolieve that” in the best possible impression of Bo Dallas that was absolutely ridiculous but comical.

Sheamus vs. Zack Ryder

Sheamus orders the referee to start the match, then pretends as though he is going to speak. Right as he does so, he kicks Zack Ryder for an early advantage. Sheamus toys with Zack the entire time, dragging him and throwign him around both inside and otuside the ring and kicking him like a soccer ball.

Just as he’s about to brogue kick him one last time, Dolph Ziggler enters and hits him with the zig zag. This results in Sheamus winning as a result of a disqualification.

John Cena vs. Kane

After issuing the open challenge as usual, Kane answers the call and Cena looks horrified. Kane immediately has control of the match, throwing Cena around both inside and outside the ring like a rag doll.

In the end, the demon is no longer the Devil’s favorite. John Cena counters the tombstone pile driver, hits Kane with the AA then pins him for the win and retains the title.

Well, now Kane looks like a massive joke to the Authority even more so than he did before.

Promo:Renee, The Miz

The Miz plugs his own movie while insulting Mizdow and calling him an ingrate. In the middle of his plug  he is cut off by Renee saying Byron is live with John Cena. Miz leaves in a fit of rage while the interview changes to Byron and Cena.

While Cena is ecstatic over his win against Kane, Rusev comes from behind and hits him in the back of the head with the chain. Then he puts him in the accolade and uses the chain to brutally suffocate John Cena’s nose.

Hardcore man, super hardcore.

Miz vs. Mizdow

For the rights to use the Miz gimmick

Right from the start Mizdow gets a two-count on the Miz nearly winning from the very beginning. When the control of the match goes back and forth, Miz resorts to cheating by holding Mizdow’s tights in a roll up but that’s not enough to put him away.

When Mizdow is hanging on the apron Summer Rae hits him in the face which allows Miz to take over and pin Mizdow for the win, retaining his iconic gimmick. As the Miz is about to announce himself as being awesome, Randy Orton slips in and RKO’s The Miz, bringing his body count up to four.

Promo: Bray Wyatt…being Bray

What can we even say about him anymore? Whoever he has decided to pick on this time, apparently fear motivates the person who likes to lift weights. Alright, I quit, someone call me when Bray reveals the individual.

Ryback vs. Adam Rose

To no one’s surprise, Ryback very quickly wins with the shell shock.

The hot dog and the banana of the rose buds enter the ring and try to take him on. Instead, they both get shell shocked at the same time. All the while Rebound Rosa is tending to Adam Rose.

Promo: Kane, Renee

Renee reveals to Kane that Seth’s security had sent out a tweet, indicating that Seth had suggested buying Kane denture cream and Depends.

Livid that this was shared with the entire world, Kane goes straight for Seth who is chatting with Hunter and the security team. Kane confronts Seth and gets in his face, ordering him to say the comments he made behind his back to him at that moment.

Instead, Seth apologizes and even dedicates his match with Dolph Ziggler to Kane.

Wow, talk about master of manipulation. A classic cerebral assassin tactic courtesy of Triple H, executed perfectly by his son Seth Rollins. Oh dear.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins

Seth makes no time in making good on his previous declaration. He takes control of the match and toys with Ziggler as he stomps on him countless times and taunts him. However once Dolph manages to side step Seth’s move, he gains control of the match but only for a short amount of time.

Dolph delivers a superkick to Seth that’s so devastating, he nearly pins Seth for the win. Seth popped out at the last possible second and thank god he did. J&J looked absolutely HORRIFIED at what they had seen.

Enter Sheamus who taunts Dolph at ringside and causes a distraction with his proclamations to kiss his arse. Seth takes advantage of the distraction courtesy of Sheamus, and manages to pin Dolph for the win. No curb stomp anywhere to be seen.

As Seth is calling out Randy Orton and saying how he’s going to beat him at Extreme Rules, Triple H enters and he does not look happy with his golden child. Hunter wants to look at the screen but Seth makes the mistake of interrupting him. Hunter looks ready to murder the child and thoroughly disown him while Seth continuously declares how he’s the man and will pin Randy on Sunday

….Then he calls Kane useless and obsolete.

This makes Kane enter, so to be safe Seth calls the steel cage down to keep himself safe while everyone else tries to keep Kane away from Seth.

When Seth turns around, Randy Orton is there and waiting.Trapped in a cage alone with the Viper, Seth desperately tries to escape but he can’t. He falls off of the top rope and Randy delivers another devastating RKO before raising the belt as though it’s his own. All the while Hunter looks like he’s considering kicking Seth to the curb and Kane looks absolutely delighted.

Okay, well. In all fairness to everyone enjoying Seth’s pain and misery…he did dig his own grave. Honestly, Stephanie and Hunter have spoiled him far too much and he has become an entitled brat.

Actually…He’s just like Veruca Salt.

Wow, what an achievement.

Stayed turned for this coming SmackDown, where asses prepare to be kissed and Russians start going crazy with chains!

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