Extreme Rules (4/26/15)

Standard

Pre-Show

Bad News Barrett cuts a promo of how Daniel Bryan isn’t medically cleared to compete. Which of course opens up the opportunity to rip on the little goat man! He does however, beckon Neville forth so that they may brawl instead. Now it’s England vs. England!

Bad News Barrett vs. Neville

Even through all the taunting, Neville wins after hitting BNB with a red arrow!

What a match up! The brute and the swift man whom gravity forgot! Neville is just so quick in the way he wrestles, able to make an endless flow of motion which always makes a match all the more exciting. Hell, he manages to use BNB like a stripper pole–but not for money, he’s just able to maneuver around him with great expertise. Barrett of course is able to hold his own as the ruthless brawler that he is.

A win at Extreme Rules over the former Intercontinental champion is a wonderful opportunity for Neville.

Extreme Rules

Luke Harper vs. Dean Ambrose

Chicago Street Fight

Well, have to give the WWE credit. A good way to start a pay-per-view is to have two psychotic people beat the life out of each other! Anything truly went in this match as these two nut jobs took the match all over–and that includes backstage and all over the arena…and into a car and right out of the arena, courtesy of Luke Harper’s driving skills.

We’ll uh…we’ll have to get back to that one.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus

Kiss Me Arse Match

Saving his mouth from touching the albino skin, Dolph Ziggler wins the match!

Is anyone concerned about how badly Sheamus wanted his arse kissed? Is no one questioning this? Can’t he just ask Dolph out for dinner or something first? Sheamus was trying really very hard not to kiss Dolph’s ass. I think it’s because he’s self conscious on tickling the man’s cheek with his beard. But in the end…Sheamus delivered a nut shot and spared Dolph from experiencing his beads anywhere they should never go.

But Sheamus does rub Dolph’s head into his own ass. Alright well, Sheamus, that’s just not right.That wasn’t a kiss! He did not kiss Sheamus’ ass! What a bunch of liars.

This should have just been a ‘head-butt my ass match’.

New Day(Big E, Kofi) vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro

Tag Team Championships

Even with Natalya slapping Xavier Woods into a new planet when he interferes during the match; New Day manages to steal the titles from Tyson and Cesaro.

What a flurry of brutality and emotions running wild this match was. On one hand you have Xavier Woods screaming and shouting his question as to why people chant ‘New Day sucks’. Then you have Natalya who just shakes her head and sighs every time Tyson or Cesaro’s latest victim kicks out of a pin.

Plus you have everyone slamming each other in every possible place both inside and outside the ring.

Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper return! 

…With a big giant elbow off the top of the truck to New Day the new tag team champions!

But serious what the hell did they do while they were gone in the car, and how were they not pulled over by police?

Regardless of that, after fighting in a bed of steel chairs Dean Ambrose wins the match!

John Cena vs. Rusev

Russian Chain Match for United States Championship

In this riveting tug of war meets twisted Simon match, John Cena  was deemed victorious!

Not quite sure if this was a legitimate strategy or not, but Rusev turns into a massive near-naked baby that cannot be moved to keep John from moving. Really, he curls up in the fetal position and he resembles a very large overgrown child. Maybe even an elephant baby. Well he was acting like some sort of baby when he sent away Lana after she greeted the WWE Universe.

Shades of Mark Mero and Sable much?

Nikki Bella vs. Naomi

Divas Championship

In the match up of sass versus sass, Nikki wins and retains her title.

During this match we saw an entirely new Naomi. New theme, new costume, fabulous shoes that light up and questionable sunglasses were all present! The new Naomi displayed her cocky personality. However, the new personality and ring gear doesn’t do much when Nikki’s sister is ringside and delivers a devastating kick to the head.

Roman Reigns vs. Big Show

Last Man Standing

Roman Reigns wins the match after not one, but TWO devastating spears and burying Big Show under the table! Which he also stood over. Roman Reigns stood on a table that buried another human being–excuse me, giant.

It was glorious.

Tonight we learned that Big Show is in fact a very self aware giant with the amount of times he proclaims ‘I’m a giant‘. He also manages to date himself by shouting ‘Boo Yah‘ as well. Come on man, it’s 2015. All the while Roman is very determined to put this man through a table, and eventually he does! Roman is quite good at proving he absorbs pain, enjoys the feeling, and is very, very difficult to keep down for a ten count.

Super confusing spur of the moment match that’s not actually a match:

Bo Dallas somewhat vs. Ryback

Ryback did not enjoy hearing Bo Dallas rip on the people of Chicago and say that they smell…so he made sure to take care of the problem, physically of course!

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton

Steel Cage Match + No RKO; Kane as Gate Keeper

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Seth Rollins manages to RKO Randy Orton to retain the title!

This was a war of estranged brothers. Big brother Randy versus little spoiled brother Seth. Now Randy has had several opportunities to end the match, but all he wanted to do was make Seth suffer and thoroughly enjoy it. The noble hobbits that could attempted to interfere but they were no match for this hectic fight.

Something notable: Randy sent a direct message to Triple H by using his move, the pedigree, on his favorite little son. Kane has a mental breakdown when he’s hurt in the middle of the match and double choke slams the hobbits inside the ring before choke slamming both Randy and Seth.

Alright well,now Kane needs to go back to anger management. Clearly his appointments with Daniel Bryan were not enough for long-term control.

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