RAW: Seth Rollins is Justin Bieber….and Catwoman (4/27/15)

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What a better way to start a post-PPV RAW than to start with the WWE World Heavyweight Champion–Seth Rollins along with J&J and Kane. The heat he receives is absolutely disgusting–in a wonderful way of course. He also receives some heat within the ring when he says he beat Randy all on his own.

The glare on the back of his head courtesy of Kane is devastating. Not as devastating as Seth calling Kane a brittle old decrepit gatekeeper.

But this is okay, because Kane brings the ultimate level of sass by caling Seth the WWE version of Justin Bieber. Oh dear, this is beautiful.

Randy enters and makes a point that Kane mentioned that Seth cheated with an illegal use of the RKO. Randy wants a rematch. Oh, and calls Seth Catwoman.

As for Roman Reigns? Well after making sure Seth realized his wife the Big Show wasn’t present because he got knocked the hell out; Roman says he’s the one deserving of a rematch.

Wow, at the end of all this Seth is going to have an entire book of nicknames. Oh, he also has a tag team match against Roman and Randy with Kane, PLUS whoever he will defend his title against at Payback will be decided by the WWE Universe.

Poor bastard.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett

King of the Ring Tournament

Bad News Barrett wins, because Sheamus came out to distract Dolph by reminding him of his celtic butt on his face.

I’m surprised they put Barrett in this competition. We all know that if he was to win the crown he would just lose it, most likely on SmackDown in the same week. But hey, we should also be amazed that Dolph had the stones to show his face after it was thoroughly rubbed and smothered in celtic warrior sweaty ass-cheek…even though that same ass made him lose this match.

Tyson Kidd vs. Big E (New Day)

Big E wins, only because Xavier held down Tyson’s foot to help him with the pin.

Now what happens when you enter a match angry is something very magical. One becomes very creative, as seen in the example of Tyson. He displays his angry creativity by kicking Big E in the corner to the sound of ‘New Day sucks’. It’s a lovely idea, really, but it doesn’t help when you’re in the ring against a faction of cheaters.

Ryback vs. Bo Dallas

Ryback wins after shell-shocking the somewhat-but-not-really inspirational speaker!

Bo Dallas needs to bo-lieve in anger management therapy, that’s for sure. Entering the ring angry doesn’t help all the time man, just look at Tyson! This spat between these two men can be solved over several plates of dinner. In case you haven’t noticed Bo, Ryback likes to eat. Just get him some good steak and it’ll be fine!

…Then Bray Intereferes

For real, Bray Wyatt magically appears. He hits Ryback with sister Abigail, does his weird little spider walk, and then proceeds to bask in the glow of his fireflies. Alright then, I suppose this weird feud is happening.

Open US Championship Challenge

John Cena vs. Heath Slater

Well originally it was going to be Heath Slater, but he took too much time in having some sort of ridiculous monologue. So Rusev knocked him out and decided to throw a fit.

Promo:Kane and Seth Rollins

After thoroughly insulting the man’s intelligence and threatening to tell on him, Seth has managed to dig himself into a volcano. Kane makes it so that the options for his title match at Payback now include Seth, Roman, and Randy in a triple threat match.

Ya done goofed, kid.

R-Truth vs. Stardust

King of the Ring Tournament

R-Truth wins against Stardust, meaning there is a high possibility that we will not have to deal with spiders ever again!

One man wants to banish spiders, the other wants to be the King of the Stars. Well. Alright then. I suppose this is beneficial for people who fear spiders…but they’re crucial to the environment to take care of those pesky flies. Ah well, can’t have it all.

Fandango vs. Adam Rose

Adam Rose wins after Rosa distracts Fandango. The devious woman was hiding as a rosebud and decided to cost him the win. Well, okay then. The victory kiss shared between those two is worthy of a vomit bag.

Interesting how this match is between two people who are completely in the wrong era. Fandango belongs in the eighties with his ridiculous pants and as for Adam….I… I don’t know. Maybe the 70’s with the way he parties. You know, both of them are technically dancers, maybe they should just have a dance off to end their rivalry.

Promo:Renee and Brie on Daniel Bryan’s Health

She has no update whatsoever.

BUT, Naomi did pop her in the mouth and say ‘no one cares about you or your husband‘.

I’m loving the new Naomi.

Brie Bella vs. Naomi

Naomi beats Brie after rolling her up for the win!

Yet another case of entering the ring angry. Doesn’t the WWE offer anger management in their health plans? Alas, while Brie is going through some turmoil concerning her husband’s health, it’s simply not enough to fuel her up against the new brutal and cocky Naomi.

Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus

King of the Ring Tournament

Sheamus wins via disqualification.

As king, Sheamus says he will have every little fella kissing his arse. So, that’s an odd thing to request as king. Especially if you compare that to wanting to ban spiders. Sheamus is clearly the weirder and more concerning declaration.

Sheamus gets just what he deserved when he interferes in the match and charges after Sheamus when he and Dean are at ringside, effectively ending the match in a fit of rage.

“For once in my life I didn’t do it!” Well, sorry Dean, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

Promo:Damien SANdow

Damien thanks the WWE Universe for sticking with him. As he’s talking about where to go from there….enter Curtis Axel.

Curtis can’t stand a man who doesn’t know who he is and tries to be someone else. Well, alright then…projecting, aren’t you?

Don’t worry, Damien thoroughly mocks him by mimicking Curtis in every way possible before destroying him and kicking him out of the ring.

Promo:Bray Wyatt

Ryback, you gonna die.

Although, one would assume he was calling out Cody Rhodes when Bray threw out the ‘man obsessed with his own vanity‘ line, seeing as how that doesn’t suit Ryback at all.

But hey, whatever. To each their own.

Honestly though if you’re going to force this odd feud together, at least make it believable.

Neville vs. Luke Harper

King of the Ring Tournament

Neville wins after hitting him with the red arrow and thoroughly exhausting Luke Harper!

Luke Harper wants to sit on a throne of barb-wire and rusty metal. Not only is that a physical health hazard but I’m pretty sure that means you’re really, really busted in the head. Or, you’re a big fan of the Addams Family, but I really think it’s the former. However, creepy barb wire man did not win. This means now that the Europeans are dominating the King of the Ring Tournament.

Roman Reigns, Randy Orton vs. Kane, Seth Rollins

Roman Reigns and Randy Orton win after Seth falls victim to a superman punch and an RKO.

Seth just seems to have the worst luck, always angering people right before a match with them.While Seth slips and slides all around the ring trying to avoid getting murdered, Randy and Roman spend the match  relishing Seth’s pain.

A fatal mistake is made by Seth Rollins. The man drop kicks Kane who is trying to choke slam Roman. That miscommunication is DEFINITELY going to lead to another family dispute. This is especially considering he performed a suicide dive and, once again, hit Kane. Naturally Kane had another melt down.

Ah the Authority is just slowly falling apart…all at the hands of their golden child. Or rather, at his big mouth that never stops moving.

It is announced that at Payback, Seth Rollins opponents for his title will be: Roman Reigns and Randy Orton. To celebrate, Roman spears Seth, as any man should.

Well this is just an unfortunate night for Seth. I wonder what his future holds on SmackDown? Perhaps some more fights with uncle Kane?

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