Elimination Chamber: Or Rather; WTF Is Happening Network is Frozen AGAIN(5/31/15)

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Pre-Show

Zack Ryder vs. Stardust

Well, Stardust seems to be rather cocky and confident going into this match. Zack’s ready to go, as he has a chip on his shoulder from losing to John Cena in his own home town. Although he does seem to be making up for it, as he starts off rather strong with two harsh arm drags to Stardust.

Ryder proves to be quite the opponent for Stardust, as Stardust intends to make the pin by using the ropes but is caught by the referee.

In the end, Stardust wins with cross-rhodes, leaving Zack Ryder to forever be defeated.

Miz TV

Okay, Miz may be an A-Lister but he absolutely missed the mark with this hot mess of an outfit that looks like a homeless man gave Miz the clothes off his back. Once we get over the fact that he looks absolutely terrible, Daniel Bryan graces us with his presence.

Daniel openly states that his career isn’t over, and that he will return. Miz keeps saying that Daniel’s career must be over because he wrote a book. As well as saying that Daniel is basically a goldmine and needs to start acting like an A-List celebrity. Uh….Miz clearly did not look in the mirror before he entered the ring.

Daniel declares that Miz TV is actually quite boring, and his solution to cure the boredom? The snap of a thumb that introduces Macho Mandow and Axelmania, who finally make Miz TV interesting by destroying the actor.

Elimination Chamber

Prime Time Players vs. Los Matadores vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, vs. New Day vs. The Ascension vs. Lucha Dragons

Tag Team Match

Just take a moment to appreciate the fact that El Torito is stationed on top of Los Matadores’ pod. Now of course for New Day, all three members will be competing which obviously gives them an advantage. Although, it may not be that much of an advantage, Xavier Woods may faint due to his small case of claustrophobia.

As the last two teams to enter, Lucha Dragons and The Ascension start the match. Predictably, it starts off strong as these two were both former NXT Tag Team Champions–and you can always rely on Lucha Dragons to put on one hell of a high-flying spectacle. You can also count on New Day to be complete scumbags and tug Kalisto’s legs through the chains to keep him from helping his partner.

Cesaro and Tyson enter next and make quick work of Sin Cara and The Ascension. In addition, Cesaro delivers a jumping uppercut(?) to Kalisto who was stuck on top of the pod before a super-plex.

Oh dear.

Los Matadores are next, and they release their secret weapon–El Torito from the top of the pod. All the while Kalisto has climbed to the very top of the chamber only to drop and nearly take out everyone beneath. Well, so long as his limbs are all still attached. El Torito attempts the same maneuver, but The Ascension catch him and throw him around before eliminating Los Matadores. The Ascension then eliminate the Lucha Dragons.

Prime Time Players are released and have a wonderful time throwing the Ascension around like a couple of rag dolls. Surprisingly, they eliminate The Ascension. What was that, under a minute?

New Day finally bursts out of their pod, and quickly become victims to a suplex–all at the same time.

Tyson Kidd and Cesaro were eliminated by the Prime Time Players–leaving Darren and Titus to face New Day one on one..or rather two on three.

In the end, it’s New Day who take the win after a dog pile on Titus.

Promo:Dolph Ziggler and Lana

Aw, how sweet, Lana wishes Dolph good luck and says the belt looks nice on him! Hey, hopefully if Dolph wins the belt he and Lana will have a relationship.

Probably not.

Nikki Bella vs. Naomi vs. Paige

Triple Threat Diva’s Championship Match

Okay, so, each woman here hates each other. Reasonable, considering they all want the belt. Paige is putting on quite the show of brutality because she really, really wants that belt back.

Let’s face it, Paige isn’t the only one pulling a mean streak. Each diva is dishing out their own dose of pain for the title. Faces and kneecaps meeting, backs of heads colliding with the mat–overall a bad time for everyone. Plus we get a little bit of trash talk from Naomi.

Nikki retains the championship. Which is kind of a shame considering the display Naomi put on.

Am I biased? Absolutely.

John Cena vs. Kevin Owens

Ah, a champion versus champion match. The United States Champion versus the NXT Champ. Who will win? Probably Cena…

Kevin goes for several pins but Cena kicks out of all of them. Kevin’s mad but, really dude? You should have known! Super Cena can never stay down. A cannonball, a DDT, even a pop-up power bomb, Cena’s kicking out of everything and simply taking a beating for the majority of the match.

Kevin mockingly attempts to do the five knuckle shuffle–but Cena counters and quickly puts him in the STF. Owens is still able to break free and deliver an attitude adjustment. Both of these competitors are pulling out new moves or moves so rarely ever used that they’re coated in dust–yet it’s still not enough to put the other away.

With a final pop-up power bomb, Kevin Owens defeats John Cena.

In uh, other words.

HOLY SHIT YES!! I’M SO GLAD I WAS WRONG YES!

Bo Dallas vs. Neville

Bo Dallas is just ready to get some revenge on Neville, that’s apparently been a long time coming. Really though, holding onto jealousy for this long? It’s not healthy Bo. You have a problem and you need help, serious help…you’re deranged.

The deranged man tries to explain to Neville that everything he’s done was for Neville. That he did all this to make him better and yada yada yada, quickly silenced by a swift kick to the head. It’s that cheap plea bargain that allows Bo to counter and take control of the match.

In a relatively quick match, Neville takes the win.

Promo:Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Triple H

As Roman and Dean are relaxing before the match, Hunter comes in and of course has to ruin the bromance moment. He can’t allow Roman to be at ringside during the match. If he gets involved, then Dean will get disqualified. Oh great, even easier for Seth to cheat.

Mark Henry vs. Sheamus vs. R-Truth vs. Ryback vs. King Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler

Intercontinental Championship Match

Replacing Rusev because he was injured during SmackDown is Mark Henry! Oh dear, people are going to die. Now that we have that settled, Barrett and Dolph will be starting the match. Ah, they have quite the history together with this belt, don’t they?

Next in the match is none other than R-Truth–who can’t even get out of the pod because Barrett ambushes him. What happens after that, I have no idea because my stream froze countless times. A leprechaun could have burst out of thin air and I wouldn’t have seen it.

As told by my very reliable source–Mark Henry was apparently the fourth entrant who got in early as a result of Barrett throwing Dolph into his pod! Well that just sounds unfortunate for everyone involved.

Ryback is the fourth one out, which leaves Sheamus to be the last man to enter at some point. I still don’t know what’s going on.

At this very moment, at 10:02 PM I have just heard that Truth eliminated Barrett. I wouldn’t know because my stream is frozen.

THANKS WWE! You know, freezing happens every single time I try to watch a damn PPV and it’s just lovely. It’s especially great when it happens during a PPV that’s only available on the Network. I can’t imagine why though! I mean, it couldn’t possibly be the result of rushing out a PPV two weeks after the latest one. Because that’s such a great damn idea, right? Hungry for subscribers but they can’t even fix the issues in their Network, what a joke.

Rant time over!

I have learned that Sheamus is stuck in his pod and having an absolute fit like a petulant child because multiple referees can’t seem to get him out. During this time, Ryback, Truth, and Dolph team up against Mark Henry until Ryback eventually eliminates R-Truth.

I don’t know what the hell happened. Apparently Sheamus’ cross was wedged in the caged, so he pulled it out to get free? Sounds like Sheamus trapped himself on purpose so that he had more time to relax while everyone else killed each other. Great tactic, you scumbag!

Sheamus eliminates Dolph Ziggler, leaving the final victim to be Ryback. According to my sources, because the Network sucks and frankly isn’t worth it at this point–Sheamus and Ryback keep calling moves. That’s…not good, we shouldn’t be able to hear you do that.

Ryback pins Sheamus and is the new Intercontinental Champion! I definitely did not see that coming. Daniel Bryan bestows the title upon The Ryback, because he thinks he deserves it. How cute.

Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Of course Seth gets his hobbits and uncle Kane there in a ‘official capacity’ to escort him to the ring and everything goes well. What a loving, close-knit family.

Naturally, these two start the match with priceless taunting and sarcastic smiles. Seth seems to be in control until two deep arm drags make him Dean’s bitch. Seth runs out, and doesn’t return until Dean lays down on the mat and the hobbits urge Seth to rush in and take the pin. Of course Dean jumps now that he has Seth finally making his way back in.

It doesn’t take long for the hobbits to lend a helping hand, which results in the cheating rat being referred to as Justin Bieber by the universe.

There comes a point where these two go back and forth on so many counters that it’s almost comedic–and a little impossible to keep count. Well it’s possible, I just decided not to.

Seth nearly gets the pin but one the referee discovers his legs were on the ropes he quickly separates the two. Seth takes control after throwing Dean into the barrier and goes for the pin several times but Dean just manages to kick out of all of them.

Good god, Dean delivers a clothesline that flips Seth like an Olympic acrobat. Later, instead of diving off the turnbuckle to attack Seth, he instead takes out the hobbits and Kane who were jumping on the apron. He goes for an elbow drop again but Seth uses the referee as a human shield, leading to Dean taking out the official.

Dean does manage to cover Seth and win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

But….

While Dean won the match–it was a result of a disqualification because Seth pulled the referee in front of him. Therefore, Seth Rollins retains the title.

That leads to the Authority running in and beating the crap out of Dean to get the belt back. Roman Reigns enters to help his friend, and on the way he grabs the belt from Seth after knocking him flat on his back.

Belt in hand, brother by his side, Dean vacates the ring. Couldn’t think of a better way to go out.

Assessing Elimination Chamber: Who Will Make It Out Alive?..Or Semi-Conscious!? (5/30/15)

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On May 31st, 2015, the WWE Universe welcomes back a beloved and brutal Pay-Per-View, the Elimination Chamber. Conveniently available on the WWE Network. Man, what a time to be alive.

During this pay-per-view we have not one, but two chamber matches, the likes of which no one has ever seen before! It’s unprecedented, it’s hip, it’s new-ish. It’s kind of like going back to the old neighborhood and realizing it’s been turned into a hipster conclave of brunch at 4 pm and drinking until 4 am.

But who shall survive? Which man will come out on top? Rise to the occasion? Or simply, just barely, be able to drag their mangled body out of the chamber?

Probably the exact opposite of who everyone expects, but it’s worth a shot to predict any who.

Triple Threat Diva’s Championship Match

Paige vs. Naomi vs. Nikki Bella

Okay, let’s see what’s going on here. The title has bounced around the main three–AJ, Paige, and now Nikki. Those three have been dominating and had control of the title for the longest. AJ’s gone, and now we have Naomi entering the fray.

It would make sense for Naomi to finally have her shot and get the championship. Naomi’s the most athletic Diva in the division. She’s been there for so long, she was in NXT with AJ Lee, yet she hasn’t had the title for herself.

Instead WWE has been playing mean girls (a dumbed down version, of course) with the entire division but only focusing on a select few. Less than a hand full, even!

While the title should go to Naomi, it’s either going to go to Paige, or Nikki will retain it, but oh how I’d love to be wrong.

Tag Team Championship Elimination Chamber Match:

New Day vs. Lucha Dragons vs. Prime Time Players vs. The Ascension vs. Los Matadores vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro

Wow, what a mouthful of a match.

New Day are the current champions having stolen the titles from Cesaro and Tyson Kidd. Surely, the fact dropping duo want their titles back and were great champions, but they may not get them.

Prime Time Players are back and a win would be a lovely reunion gift for the two of them. Los Matadores…well, maybe a loss here could lead for a split between the two of them? The Ascension desperately needs the titles, because they’re seen as a joke at the moment. The dominating force that the universe was meant to fear was dumbed down to awful puns and terrible comedy.

Then we have the Lucha Dragons! Imagine if they walk away with the titles? New Day would have an absolute fit.

However…now that New Day is with the Authority, as of the recent SmackDown at least, it’s unlikely that they’ll lose the titles. The Authority doesn’t want any less than champions, so I find it likely that New Day will retain.

Intercontinental Championship Elimination Chamber Match

Ryback vs. Sheamus vs. R-Truth vs. King Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev

Now this is a bit difficult. Rusev was injured during the SmackDown tapings, so quite honestly I have no idea if he’s staying in the match or not. However, considering his relationship troubles with Lana, if he’s in the match he’ll be far too distracted. Rusev’s definitely going to try and murder Dolph Ziggler, so those two will be two consumed with each other to go for the title.

R-Truth, bless his heart, may become the second punching bag of the fight. We’ve got Ryback who loves to eat so he may chomp on Truth’s bones after Barrett hits him with the bull hammer elbow. It’s unlikely that R-Truth will walk away with the title.

That brings us down to Ryback, Sheamus, and Barrett. Perhaps Barrett and Sheamus will strike a temporary alliance to get rid of Ryback before settling it amongst themselves like gentlemen.

Or settling it with a brogue kick that makes Sheamus the champion. After all, he’s been booked as quite the uh…well, brutal jerk. It makes sense for him to have the title at this point. Otherwise he’ll probably just go around kicking anyone he damn well pleases.

Bo Dallas vs. Neville

I can’t bo-lieve it! Bo’s back and he’s trying to take out our resident superhero! I for one, can’t see that happening.

Neville’s the superhero! Superheroes can’t lose! He’s been attacked by Bo several times already. Now’s his chance to get revenge and I think he’ll do just that. He defeated Bo in NXT, and he’s going to relive that memory by defeating him at Elimination Chamber.

Kevin Owens vs. John Cena

Oh this is going to be good. Super Cena and Kevin Owens, the man who has no problem destroying his best friend. Hm, I wonder if him and Seth Rollins exchange notes on how to do so.

Anyway, Cena’s the equivalent of a Mary-Sue. He’s absolutely perfect, never loses, always wins, yada yada yada. With Kevin as the antagonist it’s utterly and painfully predictable that Cena will win…but….

Kevin Owens has 15 years experience, that’s more than John Cena. Kevin Owens is the NXT champion, and he’s absolutely ruthless. He’s power-bombed Cena not once, but twice in the ring already. While this should mean that Cena will get his revenge and win at the PPV, I think it might be the dawn of a new era. An era in which Cena is finally defeated.

Well, I want that to be the case. Owens has experience over Cena, and he’s absolutely ruthless. While Cena will most likely win–I, and along with the entire world, need Kevin Owens to ocme out as the winner.

I want Kevin to win, but it’s likely going to be Cena.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match

Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose

Now it’s very, very possible to beat Seth Rollins. We’ve seen Dean do this before, on more than one occasion. We know it can be done but it’s a matter of will the forces that be allow it to happen?

Those being The Authority, namely uncle Kane and the two little hobbits that could.

Dean’s capable of beating Seth for the championship, but Kane’s not going to let it happen. While we would like to see Kane choke slam seth through the announce table, it won’t happen. Seth’s going to retain the title, thus giving Dean a chance to run around and torment him until no end.

…Or…the next Money In the Bank, in which Dean wins the brief case and torments Seth for the remainder of 2015.

Possible? Yes!

Am I hopeful for that? Absolutely!

Will it happen? Only if I was on the writing team!

Disclaimer: I am not a prophet and am absolutely terrible at predicting what the hell is going to happen. It’s extremely likely, and almost definite, nothing I have said will happen. But what matters is that….um….well…Uh. Enjoy the show!

SmackDown: Snorefest of the Century! (5/28/15)

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Ah, the SmackDown before Elimination Chamber. Naturally, this has to be a good night. Or…a disappointing one full of recaps.

(Tonight it was the latter, I promise I make up for the lackluster night with amazing, out of this world in a semi-decent way commentary)

Dean Ambrose starts the night and retells his lovely and fun ordeal with getting arrested. We also learn that for his one phone call instead of ordering pizza (which would have been delicious), he called his brother, Roman Reigns. Dean had Roman buy him some time until he could somehow get out of his cell and get there to sign the contract.

Fear not, children! He signed the contract, and this Sunday at Elimination Chamber he’s going to destroy Seth Rollins to begin the Age of Ambrose.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro vs. Lucha Dragons

Tag Team Lumberjack Match

For this match, very predictably, the lumberjacks are all the other tag teams that aren’t actually participating in the match tonight but will be at Elimination Chamber. Well, I can’t imagine this going horribly wrong in any sort of bitter, jealous rival sort of way. Sin Cara and Tyson start off the match and it is not slow in the slightest.

Something notable, Cesaro throwing his victims in the air and catching them before delivering a suplex. Very cool, also very alarming if you happen to be the one being manhandled by him. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Even when they’re not actually in the match, New Day is forced to live with the fact that they suck…according to the Universe.

Kalisto pins Tyson Kidd for the win.

Promo: Kane and Seth Rollins plus the hobbits.

Oh dear, Seth does not find the ‘Age of Ambrose’ to be entertaining in the slightest. He just wants the man locked up in jail. Funny enough so does Jamie, who uh, thinks Dean is just like his aunt. Alright, well, if she can cook and is crazy I guess Dean can cook as well since he’s got crazy down.

Seth just wants to remind Kane to focus for when they team up and destroy Dean and Roman at the end of the night. All Seth really needs to do is trust Kane.

Yeah. Great idea.

R-Truth vs. King Barrett

Well at least Truth isn’t facing the nut job that brings a bag of spiders to the ring. Seriously though, people need to search Stardust before he enters the ring.

But anyway….both of these men will be in the Elimination Chamber for the Intercontinental Title. Truth is happy for once he doesn’t need to climb a ladder, and Barrett just wants his beloved title back, his waist feels cold without it.

Truth managed to pin Barrett for the win, but was immediately brogue-kicked by Sheamus who then took out Barrett.

Okay well, at least he waited until the match was over to be a jerk.

Promo: Renee Young and Lana

Renee wants to know how Lana feels about her public break up with Rusev.

Well, Lana is obviously sad about this, she felt like he could change and be different. Being wrong about that isn’t always lovely, but she knows she is no man’s property and not a prized toy.

As for her and Dolph? They don’t have a relationship! They obviously just enjoy hugging. With their mouths.

Rusev interrupts the interview and taunts Lana about Dolph not being present….then says it doesn’t bother him. Alright, I lack the ability to read people like any socially competent individual, but even I can tell that Rusev’s full of vinegar about this Lana and Dolph situation.

With the lovely words “you dug your grave, now you’ll rot in it” Rusev departs.

…Geez he’s a jerk too. He and Sheamus should get together.

Ryback vs. Rusev

The crowd wants Lana, Rusev wants Lana, and Ryback is probably just wanting food. It’s an emotional rollercoaster during this match!The Bulgarian Brute is less than amused when he realizes Ryback isn’t easily moved and thrown about. Ryback shows his strength through the use of a standing suplex, and Rusev’s just not having a good day.

The match ends in a DQ, making Ryback the winner. Most likely due to the fact that Rusev threw his head into one of the posts….Then threw him into steel steps when the match was called.

Paige vs. Naomi

Well something tells me Paige is a little bitter about her London beat down. Ah well, eventually she’ll get over it.Naomi starts the match with taunting and Paige retaliates by attacking her like a savage beast. Naomi certainly gets her revenge when she eventually gets the upper hand, throwing Paige all around (posts seem to be her favorite).

Paige wins after hitting Naomi with rampage.

In Ring Promo:Michael Cole interviews Kevin Owens

Kevin makes sure to put Michael Cole in his place by reminding him that he’s been in the business for fifteen years and has dominated all over the world. Which leads to him dominating John Cena at Elimination Chamber–I can fully get behind this.

He has nothing to prove to John, considering he’s the senior in the business. In fact, Cena has to–and honestly should–prove himself to Owens.

After a brief recap of what Kevin did to his former best friend Sami Zayn at NXT Takeover, we can only be sure of one thing–Kevin Owens will put down Super Cena like a race horse with a broken leg.

Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns vs. Kane, Seth Rollins

It’s the best friends versus the spoiled rotten child and his angry, hate-filled uncle. Honestly this family drama is absurd. This either requires therapy, or a spot on Days of Our Lives. One of the two will work just find.

While Kane and Roman start the match, Seth enjoys being a sneaky little snake in taking Dean out at ringside so they can gain the upper hand. However once Dean and Roman gain leverage, the hobbits have to save their beloved keeper. Throughout the match Kane and Seth use cheap tactics as always, and Seth naturally taunts Dean and has to slap him around because he feels like he’s better than him.

Roman and Seth go for the jugulars as Dean is taking care of Kane at ringside.Endless counters because the brothers know each other so well, and absolute brutality because they’re bitter.

The match ends in a disqualification when the hobbits enter the ring and attack Roman as he’s going for the pin. While Dean runs in to help out Roman, he soon becomes enthralled with assaulting Seth. Kane calls out New Day who helps to assault Ambrose, which leads to a flying, massive Samoan.

Xavier Woods is delighted, Dean’s pumped up, Roman’s sprawled out but happy with his good deeds. Overall, everything seems to be good as these brothers seem more than capable at taking out everyone in their path.Unfortunately for them the dream team comes to an end when Kane and Seth regroup and manage to take out Dean.

SmackDown ends with Seth delivering a pedigree to Dean Ambrose, unfortunately, he’ll never deliver it quite as well as his father.

Overall? A disappointing send off for Elimination Chamber. Whether or not disappointment will be the same outcome for the PPV, we’ll only know by watching this Sunday. However, there’s one thing for certain. The main event will absolutely be entertaining, because Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose always deliver, especially when they’re at each other’s throats.

RAW: Hooligans in Handcuffs (5/25/15)

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RAW…IS….ENTOURAGE!

I’m sorry, I know that was horrible. I deeply apologize, but I felt it must be known that the gentlemen of Entourage would be guest-hosting RAW.

To start the evening we are blessed with the presence of The Authority.Mom and dad are looking spiffy and proud while Uncle Kane lags behind the hobbits and the golden child. Naturally, said golden child must request a round of applause for Dean Ambrose, just to lead up to his shameless bashing of his former brother, whom he considers to be just a common thug these days.

Precious.

The crowd wants Ambrose, while Seth makes it very clear that Dean didn’t earn it and well…he only got the title shot because the Authority was under duress. Oh, and that they can have him fired or revoke the match in a second. Luckily for Dean all he needs to do to keep his title match with Seth is head down to the ring to sign the contract….where every member of the Authority is waiting.

Once Dean makes his entrance we learn that he falls asleep by counting how many punches he delivers to Seth’s face. Well, alright then. Dean promises that as Champ, J&J will lose the shoes and be real hobbits while Kane will no longer have to wear the suit–just a dog collar.

That doesn’t sound PG in the slightest.

Once the Justin Bieber chants start, Seth Rolins does the unthinkable and tries to build the little Canadian up to being this magical god that he’s flattered to be compared to. Please, someone make this stop.

Just when Dean’s about ready to enter the lion’s den to sign the contract, Roman Reigns makes his entrance so he can offer some back up for his brother. Stephanie doesn’t like this little Shield reunion, so she schedules a match of Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs. Kane and Seth Rollins.

Great Stephanie, that’s exactly what they want.

Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns vs. Kane, Seth Rollins

Really though, Stephanie willingly fed Seth to these two brothers, that seems a bit cruel of his mother but I suppose it just shows how much faith she has in her child. Roman and Dean are all smiles as they take turns in decimating Kane and Seth. We’ve got a flying Ambrose, a brutal Samoan…how much better could it possibly get?

Seth’s enjoying it too. When he’s able to he toys with Dean and slaps him around, because clearly he has no respect for the thug.

Dean pins the champion with a beautiful backslide which leaves Seth absolutely astonished, while Roman and Dean are beaming with pride.

Promo: Renee Young and Dean Ambrose

Renee reminds Dean that he needs to sign his contract by the end of the night, and Dean says it won’t be a problem…and J&J happen to show up and taunt him saying they have the contract, but they don’t.

Naturally Dean has to destroy the both of them but accidentally hits a camera man in the process. Well, really, it’s his fault for getting too close, be more of a professional.

Rusev vs. R-Truth

If you’re wondering why Rusev’s color scheme and flag have changed, it’s because he’s moved back to Bulgaria. His relationship with Lana took such a toll on him that he could no longer fight for mother Russia. Rusev’s not in the mood to play around, and it shows with how he quickly finished the match.

Rusev wins by getting Truth to submit to the accolade.

…Then Rusev calls out Lana for a discussion. Sass-Mistress Lana is not in the mood to deal with Rusev today, going so far as to go out of her way to enter the ring on a different side just to avoid Rusev holding the ropes for her. Naturally, Rusev decides to blame Lana’s decisions and actions on the fact that she is a woman.

Solid argument there buddy, that’s exactly what it is. I’m sure this solid argument is why the crowd gives him no sympathy whatsoever, no matter how desperate he sounds.

However, it seems like Lana forgives Rusev and they reunite…But that’s only for a few seconds, because Rusev ruins the moment. His request for her to admit that everything was her fault and to say she was wrong ruined his relationship…again. Plus he claims that he owns her and that she is his and orders her to be by his side once again.

Lana thoroughly puts the moronic, cowardly brute in place before dropping the mic and leaving to the ramp where Dolph Ziggler meets her for a loving kiss.

Ah, bouncing her from one man to another. Can’t Lana just run the WWE as her own Queen with no one by her side? Maybe some dragons?

Promo: Dean Ambrose, Triple H, Seth Rollins

Seth and his daddy go backstage to meet with Dean. The camera man appears also, and gets coerced into pressing charges against Dean for assault. Dean Ambrose is then cuffed and carted away by the overly well-dressed officers.

Oh Authority, you devious punks.

Promom: Dean Ambrose, couple o’ cops, J&J, Kane, and Seth Rollins

It’s not enough that Seth watched him get handcuffed, but he has to be there to send him off and nearly incite another fight. Seth’s so excited and celebrates with the hobbits who are all too happy. As for Kane? Eh, he doesn’t seem to care.

King Barrett vs. Ryback

Even with wrapped, injured ribs Ryback makes the effort to put on a good match. Well, he’s definitely going to die at Elimination Chamber. Maybe not die, but seriously maimed for sure. The battle gets taken out of the ring where the good king capitalizes on Ryback’s injury and drives him into the barrier right on his injured ribs.

Even with Barrett wailing on his ribs, it wasn’t enough as Ryback pins Barrett for the win.

Not so good to be king, is it?

Promo:Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, Entourage

They’re so happy that Dean’s been arrested. They’re over the moon elated that Dean won’t make it in time to sign the contract for his match with Seth Rollins.

The cast of Entourage joins them, and they just express how much they love it there.

One of them makes a fatal mistake of saying they get their ass kicked in the cage with Ronda Rousey and then says “You would know about that right Stephanie?”

Oh dear god this man is going to die.

Stardust vs. Neville

Well after Stardust taunts Stephen Amell, the actor for Green Arrow, the match is able to begin. Really it seems like Stardust thought the man was actually the superhero. You can’t really blame him since he’s going agaisnt Neville who practically is a superhero. While Stardust is working Neville’s knee, Bo Dallas makes an appearance to offer some encouraging words from ringside.

Neville executes the red arrow and gains the win.

Afterwards, Bo enters and offers more encouragement to get Neville to stand up just so he could kick his injured knee out from under him. Well that’s just not nice.

Promo: Entourage and Divas

So his friends scold uh..Turtle? For running his mouth. They make contact with the Divas who of course want to hang out with him. All the while one of the other guys (im so sorry I don’t know their names), has a chat with Zack Ryder. Their plans to hang out with the divas are cut short as one quarter of the Entourage ropes them in for some plan he has with Zack Ryder.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus

Oh this match must bring back fond memories. Butts being washed with faces and heads being split open.At the announcer’s table Dolph bashes Sheamus’ head into the table, obviously in the hopes that the two could have matching wounds. It would make for a great bonding experience. Dolph delivers such a hard clothesline over the top rope he manages to knock himself over and open up an opportunity for the celtic warrior to beat him. As Sheamus is manhandling Dolph, Lana stands on the ramp and watches.

Rusev then walks out to the ring to attack Dolph. While Dolph manages to fend Rusev off with a super kick before he could enter, he fails to dodge Sheamus.

Sheamus wins with a brogue kick.

Sheamus basically feeds Dolph to Rusev. The Bulgarian brute demolishes Ziggler before leaving him a broken mess in the ring for Lana to simply observe with a stoic gaze.

John Cena vs. The Cast of Entourage

So he’s basically going to fight the newest additions to the crusierweight division, right?

Ah just kidding, they’re here to introduce Cena’s real competitor.

John Cena vs. Zack Ryder

Oh no, he’s going up against the broski that kissed his girl all those years ago! Well at least he has the entire cast there to support him. One bearded entourage man enters the ring to help but quickly becomes overwhelmed, and is yanked out of the ring by his friend. Thank goodness, because that man would have been snapped in half.

Cena of course pins Ryder and retains the title, even though Ryder pulled out all the stops and tried out some new moves in a desperate attempt to win.

As Cena is celebrating as the last man in the ring, Kevin Owens surprises him and delivers yet another brutal pop-up power bomb.

Promo:Stephanie, Triple H, Seth

Stephanie compliments her husband on his pickings of Kevin Owens. Seth is clearly jealous of the new praise and makes sure to turn the attention back to him.

Renee enters, requesting an update on the ‘Dean Ambrose situation’, to which Stephanie repeats that he has until the end of the night to sign the contract. Oh dear, that’s unfortunate considering Dean apparently got himself arrested for assaulting an employee.

Tamina vs. Paige

The Bella Twins on commentary

As always, once the twins are on commentary that means that anything that happens in the ring is completely neglected. Which is a shame, because I’m getting major Thor vibes from Tamina right now and that deserves some praise and or acknowledgement. Naomi delivers a cheap shot to Paige from ringside, which lends a nice hand to Tamina.

Tamina wins the match after hitting Paige with a Samoan drop.

In Ring Promo: New Day

As New Day goes on a rant which includes insulting the about to be destroyed coliseum, Kane makes an entrance.  Kane figures that the Elimination Chamber match is very fair because they have a 1/6 odds like everyone else. What’s unfair is the match tonight: them against Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, Los Matadores, The Ascension, Prime Time Players, and the Lucha Dragons in a 10×3 handicap match.

Oh Dear. Hard to stay positive after that.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro; Prime Time Players; Los Matadores; The Ascension; Lucha Dragons vs. New Day

10 x 3 Handicap Match

Kalisto starts off the match with Xavier Woods, and really it’s only a matter of time until–oh.

Not even thirty seconds in and the entirety of New Day’s opponents enter the ring and ambush them which leads to a disqualification. Well, things just got chaotic beyond belief.

New Day are the only ones left standing after the Lucha Dragons fly off the top rope onto everyone at ringside. Coincidentally, New Day are the winners via disqualification.

…Well they were standing until Tyson and Cesaro snuck in and gave Xavier a nice swing around town.

Contract Signing…?

Well, backstage footage reveals that Seth Rollins in fact pushed the camera man into Dean. Well that’s unfortunate, probably won’t change anything. Stephanie plays up the fact that Dean attacked a camera man, a father of newborn triplets. Way to play up the sob story Stephanie! So tragic!

Just as Hunter is about to announce there will be no match between Seth and Dean, Roman Reigns makes a surprise appearance and attacks them. Kane, the hobbits, and Seth quickly incapacitate Roman, taunting him with the contract that Dean can’t sign. Little did they know, Roman was being a good brother and stalling for Dean

Driving an NYPD command center on wheels, clad in jacket, hat, and double batons, Dean appears just in time to save the day. Stephanie looks absolutely horrified, and I can’t blame her. Someone as unstable as Dean appearing in a cop car and partial uniform? One has to wonder what the hell happened.

Dean and Roman each wield a baton and beat Seth to a pulp, followed by Seth’s hobbits and uncle Kane. Roman fetches the contract for his brother to sign, and with the deal now in place….Seth better get ready for Elimination Chamber this Sunday.

Well that was interesting! What sort of loop holes do you think The Authority will try to concoct to invalidate the contract? Maybe this time they’ll have Dean arrested for impersonating a cop. Although, I feel like they missed out on hilarious segments of Dean in jail because they were too busy with recap after recap.

Why Is Stardust So Nucking Futs?

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Stardust is quite the eccentric character. He’s full of references that I’m sure the Dashing Cody Rhodes would possibly scoff at (or deny that he takes great joy in them). Anyone recall his precious, the InterContinental Title? Oh yeah, that was a whole thing, which Michael Cole apparently loved.

Nerds Unite

While Michael Cole may have enjoyed the little references, some people overlooked them. Most simply focus on how eccentric and um….different, Stardust is. He’s a bit of a character, isn’t he? He hisses, he has random outbursts of screaming, trots around in a peculiar manner that’s honestly very reminiscent of The Riddler (physicality of Jim Carrey, but mentality of Frank Gorshin). Stardust also has these mental breakdowns as he struggles with his former self–Cody Rhodes.

Let’s not forget he brings bags of spiders with him on occasion, has his own special line of designer ladders, but at the same time is quite an established face paint artist. Now for Stardust, this is all relatively normal.

But for the rest of us, we wonder….why is Stardust so insane, or rather, so nucking futs?

Honestly?

He’s not insane or nucking futs in the slightest!

This is all just a phase!

Look at Stardust (or Cody Rhodes’) family!

The patriarch, Dusty Rhodes has certainly had his fair share of phases and changes. Can we all remember the polka dots? Yes, yes, remember the polka dots.

Then look at his big brother Dustin–or Goldust! Goldust sets the bar for phases and changes within the Rhodes Family. We’ve seen: large Goldust, slim Goldust, bondage wearing Goldust, Preacher Goldust, The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust, stalker Goldust, ChynaDust, FlashDust, DustyDust–need I go on?

Stardust isn’t crazy, he’s just going through a phase that every Rhodes member must endure at some time in their lives. It’s kind of like second puberty–but this time it’s more of a mental change rather than physical.

…But, if this kills your interpretation of Stardust, you can ignore all of this and firmly believe that he is just straight up fucking nuts.

I mean, nucking futs. Damn it.

SmackDown: Kane is Justin Bieber’s Favorite Groupie (5/21/15)

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Roman Reigns kicks off SmackDown this lovely Thursday night. You’ll be happy to know that he had a wonderful time at Payback because punching Seth Rollins is now the new favorite past time of the USA.

We also learn that he’s entering the Money in the Bank ladder match, which prompts Dean Ambrose to come out.

Dean cheekily says he won’t be reaching for an opportunity to be champion, because by then he’ll already be the champ. Eh, if uh, no one interferees. Roman tries to convince Dean to, for once of his life, come up with an exit strategy when Kane appears.

Hell, Kane agrees with Roman…to be fair, Dean has a horrible track record with exits.

Kane did not appreciate Roman’s ‘always on your back’ comment…so he ruins Roman’s day by saying he’s not in the MITB ladder match. After saying Roman needs to prove himself, Dean jumps to his defense against the lap-dog/Justin Bieber groupie.

Kane gives Dean a rematch against Bray Wyatt, then he orders Roman to spend the night reflecting on his failures and to grow as a complete superstar. Well, fine, that gives Roman the chance to have some crab cakes and cheesecake.

Not at the same time, obviously.

Lucha Dragons vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, vs. Los Matadores, vs. The Ascension

Four Corners Tag Team Match

New Day and Prime Time Players on commentary.

Well this is just a blur of pure chaos. Natalya and Torito meet once again at ringside which makes for an embarassing takedown on Natalya’s behalf. We learn that Lawler’s child’s first step was because he tripped him, New Day doesn’t find that very positive, but Titus O’Neil is at least the celebrity dad of the year.

Now what would a four-corners match be if there wasn’t pure chaos in the form of every single team being in the ring and somehow winding up outside?

In the end, Kalisto pins one of the Matadors, getting the win for the Lucha Dragons.

Promo:Dolph Ziggler and Renee Young

Well, Dolph just had the opportunity to see that Rusev wants to crush him. That’s….going to be fun. At least the smooch was enjoyable. I’m sure he’ll remember that when he’s locked in the chamber with the Bulgarian Brute.

Lana, very adorably, walks in to wish Dolph good luck. At least he knows that she’s only doing this to make Rusev jealous, glad to know he didn’t head-butt all his cells out. Although considering he confessed that he likes to be used…it’s rather questionable.

It’s safe to say Dolph may actually be crushed down into a blonde/brunette pile of paste by the end of the night…or at the end of Elimination Chamber.

King Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler

The cocky King and the Show off meet in the ring, and ah, this must bring back fond memories for both competitors. A match with a king isn’t complete until the king has a fit because his opponent got the shoulder up at two. Which leads to an especially brutal Barrett at ringisde, hurling Dolph every which way into all peices of available furniture.

Dolph takes the win after hitting Barrett with the zig zag. With an adoring gaze, Lana stands on stage and applauds Dolph on his victory. How precious!

In Ring Promo:Paige

Welcome back Paige! Oof, Paige doesn’t hold back, claiming that Naomi’s finally relevant for taking her out in her hometown. She also, very un-tastefully, calls Tamina a man and claims her as Naomi’s boyfriend. Well that’s not very nice.

Naomi and Tamina interrupt Paige, and Naomi defends herself. She reminds Piage that the little screamer never had to struggle. She had a title shot on her first day and didn’t earn it. Well, she’s got quite a good point there.

Things get ugly as Paige remarks that her one-year career on the main stage was more eventful than both Tamina and Naomi’s–oh, and Naomi has no personality. Well, Naomi’s about to clean house now.

As Tamina and Naomi lay the beat down on Paige, Nikki Bella runs in and takes out Naomi and Tamina before moving on to Paige.

I don’t think she forgot Paige’s little save/attack from Monday Night.

Promo:Bray Wyatt

Seriously though where on earth is he during these promos? He’s in these smokey, foggy dark areas yet somehow always makes it in time for a match. I’m absolutely baffled as to where his hiding spot could be. Is there just a swamp or completely empty cellar conveniently under every arena?

Well, tonight Bray swears he will prove to Dean Ambrose that his inner demon marches to Bray’s command. Okay, charming, so very charming.

R-Truth vs. Stardust

Stardust is not here for Truth’s introductory rap, he’s rather unimpressed.Stardust paid dearly for his disinterest. Truth managed to outsmart Stardust during this match.

R-Truth wins the match.

Promo:Ryback and Renee Young

Renee wants to know what’s going through his mind as he prepares for Elimination Chamber.

Ryback’s never competed in the chamber, so clearly he’s intimidated. However, he’s…clearly going to uh…munch on everyone like a hungry lion locked alone with a bunch of gazelles.

That was uh, tasty imagery.

The Mega Powers vs. Adam Rose, Heath Slater

I thought they were the Meta Powers? Alright, I guess there was a name change.

Now that Rosa’s been dumped she’s found another man’s arm to hang on, as she is at ringside for this match. With a lollipop…I really, really hope that she does not share that lollipop with Adam Rose. That just seems so wrong. Macho Mandow and Heath Slater kick off the match, all the while Rosa just can’t seem to keep quiet. I thought the point of lollipops was to keep the kid’s mouth shut?!

The Mega Powers show excellent teamwork, leaving Axelmania as the one to pin Slater for the win.

Promo:Bo Dallas and Renee Young

Bo has a creepy smile. He’d make a fabulous sociopath…if he isn’t one already.

We hear a story about a beautiful, vibrantly colored bird that used to rest upon Bo’s windowsill. Then, magically, this bird flew into a power line (stupid clutz) and injured itself. Bo nursed the bird back to health and uh….the bird overcame adversity.

So this turned into one big analogy of Bo nursing the broken bird to overcome adversity…and the bird in this case is Neville.

MMkay, he’s been sipping whatever drink Bray enjoys in the swamp.

Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt

Someone….I won’t say which member of the announce team it was, said this was going to be Freddy Krueger vs. Evel Knievel.

What the fu–…what.. Who immediately think of that sort of thing what sort of sick, twisted–…..Alright. MOVING ON.

From the start of the match these two don’t hold back. Bodies are thrown out the ring,stairs are used to bust someone’s kneecap the way a debt collector cracks them with a golf club…quite brutal honestly.

Just when it seems like Bray’s going to perform a DDT (or Suplex) on Ambrose from ringside right off the second rope–Dean counters with an impressive hurricane DDT. See, I wasn’t lying about them going all over.

The hobbits interfere with the match and nearly cost him the win, but Dean’s able to counter which doesn’t please Seth. The second Seth Rollins makes an entrance, Roman Reigns races down to ringside as well. Roman fends off the hobbits and scares Seth away. He even offers a little helping fist to Bray who’s caught up in the ropes.

Dean hits Bray with dirty deeds and takes the win, all the while Seth looks like an angry little corgi standing up on the stage.

You know, I just can’t help but to feel like we all missed out on seeing how much food Roman can consume in one sitting. Instead of showing us backstage shenanigans done by the large Samoan, we’re graced with recap after recap after recap. Really, the magic in SmackDown is missing! You can’t tell me that not a single one of you thought of Roman smacking Kane in the face with an entire cheesecake?

Shenanigans! SmackDown needs them!

Why Doesn’t WWE Make Underwear That Looks Like Wrestler’s Trunks?

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Bonus post of the week because, well, because I have free will and am more than capable of doing that ladies and gentlemen.

Really though, why doesn’t WWE make underwear that looks like the “performer’s” trunks?! This seems like it would be an absolute goldmine.

Wait a minute, no, forget that. It wouldn’t be a goldmine it’d be a platinum….bank. Or…something…very expensive like that, who knows. I don’t know, I’m cheap.

You would think that a company which has done everything from ice cream bars to Scooby Doo movies would have already capitalized on this. Especially since they have everything from bibs, to gift cards, to dog collars,all conveniently found for John Cena.

So where is the underwear that says ‘U Can’t C Me’? Because really, you can’t! They’re covered by pants! Unless of course you and the wearer happen to have a very intimate relationship. In which case, I hope you all enjoy.

You know? What if I want my butt to say ‘Unstable’ on it? Because, well, sometimes after Chipotle or a visit to a sketchy food truck that’s exactly what happens!

Hey, Roman Reigns has a shirt that says ‘hit hard, hit often’. Do you know how much they would make if they put that on underwear? It can be a twin pack. Both in the same colors of the shirt. One would say ‘hit hard’ and the other would read ‘hit often’. Guaranteed people would be all over that.

There’s dog collars, gift cards, bibs, Ugg knock offs, and yet, no underpants!

This is blasphemous.