Payback KickOff Show
Special Bonus Match: R-Truth vs. Stardust
R-Truth wins this match! Consider that revenge for the bag of spiders.
Ah, a wonderful match between the two most…confusing men in the WWE! In one corner, R-Truth, the superstar with a severe case of arachnophobia which is honestly a little pitiful. His opponent, the man with severe identity issues and a fetish for all things latex and face paint!
The Mega Powers vs. The Ascension
Ascension takes the win after pinning Macho Mandow
Well, Curtis Axel definitely stepped up his uh, ring attire for this special event. He’s practically a dead ringer for Hulk Hogan himself! With about two minutes for this match The Mega Powers showcased their quirky behavior which was absolutely decimated by The Ascension.
Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus wins after brogue kicking Dolph’s busted open head.
Well this match up has some smelly history behind it. The chip on Dolph’s shoulder from having his face rubbed against this moon-skin arse of Sheamus’, must be absolutely massive. Hell the man has gone through a dramatic change in wardrobe to try and help himself cope! It was a traumatizing experience for Dolph, and his anger showed with how he immediately went after Sheamus.
..Or how he had no shame in hiking up the trunks and shoving Sheamus’ face deep into his own arse. Which, by the way, looks like there was an attempt at some self-tanner to gussy it up for it’s debut. Eh, that’s probably while Sheamus had no qualms about kicking him right in the head that was pouring blood.
Promo:Kane, Seth, J&J Security
Seth had a brilliant idea for once! Put animosity behind himself and Kane and work together. Which, you know, probably would have been a good idea weeks ago before he started insulting Kane every chance he got.
Kane isn’t having any of it. Quite honestly, he doesn’t care what happens to Seth. At this point, Kane just wants to do whatever he feels like doing, and he will be influenced by no one.
See, this is why you don’t insult your elders.
New Day vs. Cesaro, Tyson Kidd
Two out of Three Falls
New Day retains the titles when Xavier Woods, who isn’t even in the match, climbs in and pins Cesaro for the win.
Defending the tag team titles tonight are Kofi Kingston and Big E! Cesaro and Tyson debut some new outfits today, which is always fun! I too enjoy showing off my new clothes. New Day doesn’t have any new clothes, but they did feel mighty fine about poking fun at one of the Boston Orioles, so that’s great for them! Think positive!
New Day suffers a mental breakdown after Cesaro and Tyson win the first fall. ‘Free bird rules’, ‘I’m the mastermind’, were just a few things shouted by Xavier Woods who may be the king of breakdowns out of the New Day. Perhaps his frantic shouting made for some good luck, as New Day won the second fall.
The mastermind proved he was just that by sneaking into the ring and stealing the win for his team.
Promo:Ryback and Byron
Ryback is not here for Bray Wyatt’s manipulation tactics in the slightest. The man will devour Bray (in a non-sexual way) and still have room for dessert.
Ryback vs. Bray Wyatt
Bray Wyatt wins with Sister Abigail!
Alas, the match that came to be and no one understands how! Seriously though I wish there was more to go on. I can only make so many jokes about Ryback’s never-ending hunger and Bray’s dirty, swamp thing appearance. The fan’s are confusing themselves, what with the ‘Ryback’ and ‘Wyatt’ chants sounding identical! This entire feud was meant to be confusing from the beginning!
It seems like Bray Wyatt broke Ryback, and hopefully Ryback now knows what the face of fear looks like.
John Cena vs. Rusev
‘I Quit’ match for United States Championship
John Cena retains the title after Lana, in a panic, proclaims that Rusev quits in order to save him from John’s brutality.
Of course Cena doesn’t say ‘I Quit’ before the match could even start, I don’t know why Rusev even gave him the option. Well, I guess it’s showing how much of a gentleman he is. Hell he gets Lana a chair to sit down and enjoy the match so she doesn’t have to stand all day in those exhausting and painful heels. It’s just so obvious how much Rusev cares for her, constantly worrying about her, talking to her and he’s obviously saying very sweet things to her.
John’s clearly a pretty nice guy too. In all fairness, he gave Rusev a warning and allowed him a chance to quit before tackling him right through the barrier into the time keeper’s area. You just can’t find good, decent people like that these days. Plus, the AA into pyrotechnics really was just to make sure Rusev was nice and toasty. John was so sweet and took such good care of Rusev, that Lana just HAD to answer for him.
Promo: New Day and Byron
Alright, so New Day likes to celebrate with milk in champagne flutes. But the real question is…what kind of milk is that? Whole Milk? Skim? Two-Percent? Almond? Soy?
Byron brings them breaking news in regards to the Elimination Chamber, and there will be the first ever tag team title elimination chamber match up which does not go over well with New Day. Ah think positive guys, it’ll be fun!
The Bella Twins vs. Tamina, Naomi
Naomi and Tamina take the win! Well hot damn.
Naomi and Tamina are tired of the antics of the twins. They dominate the WWE and quite frankly–Naomi’s been there far too long to just continue staying in the background, but now she’s got back up to take them down! During this match up we’ve learned that if you have long hair, Naomi will make you regret that and absolutely stomp on it, whether it’s natural or a weave.
We also learn that Tamina is wonderful with causing distractions. Seriously, she should consider making a business out of that.
Promo:Rusev and Lana
Well, Rusev’s not happy. To think, all Lana did was make sure he didn’t die in the ring! Huh, alright then. Rusev needs to learn some manners and seek anger management.
King Barrett vs. Neville
Neville wins via count out after Barrett ..well…doesn’t even try to get back in the ring.
Alright, it’s a little England vs. England match up once again! The King versus…what did he refer to Neville as? The Peasant? Beautiful really, it’s like a brief history lesson on feudalism…kind of. It seems pretty accurate. Peasant isn’t fond of what the king is doing, the king throws a tantrum and beats up his peasants…all in all, solid research done for this match.
The king retreats from the match, and then once it’s over he returns to assault Neville after his loss. A cheap, dirty tactic…very king-like indeed. Yet Neville still managed to get up to not only deliver a suplex, but to hit him with the red arrow.
Promo:Kane, Seth, J&J Security
Aw how sweet, Kane wished Seth good luck! See, that’s what’s being apart of the Authority is all about. The family atmosphere!
Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns
Fatal 4-Way for WWE World Heavyweight Championship
With lovely uncle Kane at ringside
Well the competitors are looking good tonight. Dean’s sporting a new jacket, J&J are matching Seth, Roman has new gloves. One just has to love how much dedication is put into their outfits these days. I mean, Randy has new trunks….but he showed those off awhile so they’re not brand spanking new, just somewhat new. Instead of being in the condition of ‘brand new’ Amazon would resell them as ‘Very Good’ or ‘Used Good’.
Seth had quite the tactic. At the tug of an ear he had J&J pulling Dean and Roman out of the ring to help even the odds. But soon after the chaos ensues, a flying Samoan takes out everyone to have his shot with Seth all alone in the ring…then the rest of the competitors get in the match.
Eventually the brothers in arms Dean and Roman team up to beat the living day lights out of baby brother Seth. Just when this partnership is really taking off to eliminate Seth, Kane jumps in and makes sure to keep Seth relatively safe.
Shades of the Shield as Michael Cole would say, as the former brothers in arms beat on Randy before delivering the vicious triple power bomb through the table. Just when Seth thinks he’s got the boys on his side for the better and goes in for the fist bump–both Roman and Dean drop the act.
Please, these two know better.
Hell, Roman and Dean certainly show off an old Shield habit, enjoying the party by power-bombing Kane onto Seth through the Spanish announce table not once but twice.
“Loser buys the beers?”
Roman’s question to Dean just after they eliminate everyone and are the last two standing. The two enter the ring to have one fair match with each other. These two know each other so well, they know what move each man has which makes for endless counters and kick outs.
Seth somehow makes it back to the ring and chaos breaks out all over again once everyone is back on their feet.
But in the end, Seth pays tribute to his father Triple H when he hits Randy Orton with the pedigree.
Seth Rollins retains the championship.
Triple H is so proud that he comes out to raise the champ’s hand.
So what does this mean?
Well, Monday night’s going to be interesting that’s for sure.