SmackDown: Kane is Justin Bieber’s Favorite Groupie (5/21/15)

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Roman Reigns kicks off SmackDown this lovely Thursday night. You’ll be happy to know that he had a wonderful time at Payback because punching Seth Rollins is now the new favorite past time of the USA.

We also learn that he’s entering the Money in the Bank ladder match, which prompts Dean Ambrose to come out.

Dean cheekily says he won’t be reaching for an opportunity to be champion, because by then he’ll already be the champ. Eh, if uh, no one interferees. Roman tries to convince Dean to, for once of his life, come up with an exit strategy when Kane appears.

Hell, Kane agrees with Roman…to be fair, Dean has a horrible track record with exits.

Kane did not appreciate Roman’s ‘always on your back’ comment…so he ruins Roman’s day by saying he’s not in the MITB ladder match. After saying Roman needs to prove himself, Dean jumps to his defense against the lap-dog/Justin Bieber groupie.

Kane gives Dean a rematch against Bray Wyatt, then he orders Roman to spend the night reflecting on his failures and to grow as a complete superstar. Well, fine, that gives Roman the chance to have some crab cakes and cheesecake.

Not at the same time, obviously.

Lucha Dragons vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, vs. Los Matadores, vs. The Ascension

Four Corners Tag Team Match

New Day and Prime Time Players on commentary.

Well this is just a blur of pure chaos. Natalya and Torito meet once again at ringside which makes for an embarassing takedown on Natalya’s behalf. We learn that Lawler’s child’s first step was because he tripped him, New Day doesn’t find that very positive, but Titus O’Neil is at least the celebrity dad of the year.

Now what would a four-corners match be if there wasn’t pure chaos in the form of every single team being in the ring and somehow winding up outside?

In the end, Kalisto pins one of the Matadors, getting the win for the Lucha Dragons.

Promo:Dolph Ziggler and Renee Young

Well, Dolph just had the opportunity to see that Rusev wants to crush him. That’s….going to be fun. At least the smooch was enjoyable. I’m sure he’ll remember that when he’s locked in the chamber with the Bulgarian Brute.

Lana, very adorably, walks in to wish Dolph good luck. At least he knows that she’s only doing this to make Rusev jealous, glad to know he didn’t head-butt all his cells out. Although considering he confessed that he likes to be used…it’s rather questionable.

It’s safe to say Dolph may actually be crushed down into a blonde/brunette pile of paste by the end of the night…or at the end of Elimination Chamber.

King Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler

The cocky King and the Show off meet in the ring, and ah, this must bring back fond memories for both competitors. A match with a king isn’t complete until the king has a fit because his opponent got the shoulder up at two. Which leads to an especially brutal Barrett at ringisde, hurling Dolph every which way into all peices of available furniture.

Dolph takes the win after hitting Barrett with the zig zag. With an adoring gaze, Lana stands on stage and applauds Dolph on his victory. How precious!

In Ring Promo:Paige

Welcome back Paige! Oof, Paige doesn’t hold back, claiming that Naomi’s finally relevant for taking her out in her hometown. She also, very un-tastefully, calls Tamina a man and claims her as Naomi’s boyfriend. Well that’s not very nice.

Naomi and Tamina interrupt Paige, and Naomi defends herself. She reminds Piage that the little screamer never had to struggle. She had a title shot on her first day and didn’t earn it. Well, she’s got quite a good point there.

Things get ugly as Paige remarks that her one-year career on the main stage was more eventful than both Tamina and Naomi’s–oh, and Naomi has no personality. Well, Naomi’s about to clean house now.

As Tamina and Naomi lay the beat down on Paige, Nikki Bella runs in and takes out Naomi and Tamina before moving on to Paige.

I don’t think she forgot Paige’s little save/attack from Monday Night.

Promo:Bray Wyatt

Seriously though where on earth is he during these promos? He’s in these smokey, foggy dark areas yet somehow always makes it in time for a match. I’m absolutely baffled as to where his hiding spot could be. Is there just a swamp or completely empty cellar conveniently under every arena?

Well, tonight Bray swears he will prove to Dean Ambrose that his inner demon marches to Bray’s command. Okay, charming, so very charming.

R-Truth vs. Stardust

Stardust is not here for Truth’s introductory rap, he’s rather unimpressed.Stardust paid dearly for his disinterest. Truth managed to outsmart Stardust during this match.

R-Truth wins the match.

Promo:Ryback and Renee Young

Renee wants to know what’s going through his mind as he prepares for Elimination Chamber.

Ryback’s never competed in the chamber, so clearly he’s intimidated. However, he’s…clearly going to uh…munch on everyone like a hungry lion locked alone with a bunch of gazelles.

That was uh, tasty imagery.

The Mega Powers vs. Adam Rose, Heath Slater

I thought they were the Meta Powers? Alright, I guess there was a name change.

Now that Rosa’s been dumped she’s found another man’s arm to hang on, as she is at ringside for this match. With a lollipop…I really, really hope that she does not share that lollipop with Adam Rose. That just seems so wrong. Macho Mandow and Heath Slater kick off the match, all the while Rosa just can’t seem to keep quiet. I thought the point of lollipops was to keep the kid’s mouth shut?!

The Mega Powers show excellent teamwork, leaving Axelmania as the one to pin Slater for the win.

Promo:Bo Dallas and Renee Young

Bo has a creepy smile. He’d make a fabulous sociopath…if he isn’t one already.

We hear a story about a beautiful, vibrantly colored bird that used to rest upon Bo’s windowsill. Then, magically, this bird flew into a power line (stupid clutz) and injured itself. Bo nursed the bird back to health and uh….the bird overcame adversity.

So this turned into one big analogy of Bo nursing the broken bird to overcome adversity…and the bird in this case is Neville.

MMkay, he’s been sipping whatever drink Bray enjoys in the swamp.

Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt

Someone….I won’t say which member of the announce team it was, said this was going to be Freddy Krueger vs. Evel Knievel.

What the fu–…what.. Who immediately think of that sort of thing what sort of sick, twisted–…..Alright. MOVING ON.

From the start of the match these two don’t hold back. Bodies are thrown out the ring,stairs are used to bust someone’s kneecap the way a debt collector cracks them with a golf club…quite brutal honestly.

Just when it seems like Bray’s going to perform a DDT (or Suplex) on Ambrose from ringside right off the second rope–Dean counters with an impressive hurricane DDT. See, I wasn’t lying about them going all over.

The hobbits interfere with the match and nearly cost him the win, but Dean’s able to counter which doesn’t please Seth. The second Seth Rollins makes an entrance, Roman Reigns races down to ringside as well. Roman fends off the hobbits and scares Seth away. He even offers a little helping fist to Bray who’s caught up in the ropes.

Dean hits Bray with dirty deeds and takes the win, all the while Seth looks like an angry little corgi standing up on the stage.

You know, I just can’t help but to feel like we all missed out on seeing how much food Roman can consume in one sitting. Instead of showing us backstage shenanigans done by the large Samoan, we’re graced with recap after recap after recap. Really, the magic in SmackDown is missing! You can’t tell me that not a single one of you thought of Roman smacking Kane in the face with an entire cheesecake?

Shenanigans! SmackDown needs them!

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