RAW: Hooligans in Handcuffs (5/25/15)

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RAW…IS….ENTOURAGE!

I’m sorry, I know that was horrible. I deeply apologize, but I felt it must be known that the gentlemen of Entourage would be guest-hosting RAW.

To start the evening we are blessed with the presence of The Authority.Mom and dad are looking spiffy and proud while Uncle Kane lags behind the hobbits and the golden child. Naturally, said golden child must request a round of applause for Dean Ambrose, just to lead up to his shameless bashing of his former brother, whom he considers to be just a common thug these days.

Precious.

The crowd wants Ambrose, while Seth makes it very clear that Dean didn’t earn it and well…he only got the title shot because the Authority was under duress. Oh, and that they can have him fired or revoke the match in a second. Luckily for Dean all he needs to do to keep his title match with Seth is head down to the ring to sign the contract….where every member of the Authority is waiting.

Once Dean makes his entrance we learn that he falls asleep by counting how many punches he delivers to Seth’s face. Well, alright then. Dean promises that as Champ, J&J will lose the shoes and be real hobbits while Kane will no longer have to wear the suit–just a dog collar.

That doesn’t sound PG in the slightest.

Once the Justin Bieber chants start, Seth Rolins does the unthinkable and tries to build the little Canadian up to being this magical god that he’s flattered to be compared to. Please, someone make this stop.

Just when Dean’s about ready to enter the lion’s den to sign the contract, Roman Reigns makes his entrance so he can offer some back up for his brother. Stephanie doesn’t like this little Shield reunion, so she schedules a match of Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs. Kane and Seth Rollins.

Great Stephanie, that’s exactly what they want.

Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns vs. Kane, Seth Rollins

Really though, Stephanie willingly fed Seth to these two brothers, that seems a bit cruel of his mother but I suppose it just shows how much faith she has in her child. Roman and Dean are all smiles as they take turns in decimating Kane and Seth. We’ve got a flying Ambrose, a brutal Samoan…how much better could it possibly get?

Seth’s enjoying it too. When he’s able to he toys with Dean and slaps him around, because clearly he has no respect for the thug.

Dean pins the champion with a beautiful backslide which leaves Seth absolutely astonished, while Roman and Dean are beaming with pride.

Promo: Renee Young and Dean Ambrose

Renee reminds Dean that he needs to sign his contract by the end of the night, and Dean says it won’t be a problem…and J&J happen to show up and taunt him saying they have the contract, but they don’t.

Naturally Dean has to destroy the both of them but accidentally hits a camera man in the process. Well, really, it’s his fault for getting too close, be more of a professional.

Rusev vs. R-Truth

If you’re wondering why Rusev’s color scheme and flag have changed, it’s because he’s moved back to Bulgaria. His relationship with Lana took such a toll on him that he could no longer fight for mother Russia. Rusev’s not in the mood to play around, and it shows with how he quickly finished the match.

Rusev wins by getting Truth to submit to the accolade.

…Then Rusev calls out Lana for a discussion. Sass-Mistress Lana is not in the mood to deal with Rusev today, going so far as to go out of her way to enter the ring on a different side just to avoid Rusev holding the ropes for her. Naturally, Rusev decides to blame Lana’s decisions and actions on the fact that she is a woman.

Solid argument there buddy, that’s exactly what it is. I’m sure this solid argument is why the crowd gives him no sympathy whatsoever, no matter how desperate he sounds.

However, it seems like Lana forgives Rusev and they reunite…But that’s only for a few seconds, because Rusev ruins the moment. His request for her to admit that everything was her fault and to say she was wrong ruined his relationship…again. Plus he claims that he owns her and that she is his and orders her to be by his side once again.

Lana thoroughly puts the moronic, cowardly brute in place before dropping the mic and leaving to the ramp where Dolph Ziggler meets her for a loving kiss.

Ah, bouncing her from one man to another. Can’t Lana just run the WWE as her own Queen with no one by her side? Maybe some dragons?

Promo: Dean Ambrose, Triple H, Seth Rollins

Seth and his daddy go backstage to meet with Dean. The camera man appears also, and gets coerced into pressing charges against Dean for assault. Dean Ambrose is then cuffed and carted away by the overly well-dressed officers.

Oh Authority, you devious punks.

Promom: Dean Ambrose, couple o’ cops, J&J, Kane, and Seth Rollins

It’s not enough that Seth watched him get handcuffed, but he has to be there to send him off and nearly incite another fight. Seth’s so excited and celebrates with the hobbits who are all too happy. As for Kane? Eh, he doesn’t seem to care.

King Barrett vs. Ryback

Even with wrapped, injured ribs Ryback makes the effort to put on a good match. Well, he’s definitely going to die at Elimination Chamber. Maybe not die, but seriously maimed for sure. The battle gets taken out of the ring where the good king capitalizes on Ryback’s injury and drives him into the barrier right on his injured ribs.

Even with Barrett wailing on his ribs, it wasn’t enough as Ryback pins Barrett for the win.

Not so good to be king, is it?

Promo:Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, Entourage

They’re so happy that Dean’s been arrested. They’re over the moon elated that Dean won’t make it in time to sign the contract for his match with Seth Rollins.

The cast of Entourage joins them, and they just express how much they love it there.

One of them makes a fatal mistake of saying they get their ass kicked in the cage with Ronda Rousey and then says “You would know about that right Stephanie?”

Oh dear god this man is going to die.

Stardust vs. Neville

Well after Stardust taunts Stephen Amell, the actor for Green Arrow, the match is able to begin. Really it seems like Stardust thought the man was actually the superhero. You can’t really blame him since he’s going agaisnt Neville who practically is a superhero. While Stardust is working Neville’s knee, Bo Dallas makes an appearance to offer some encouraging words from ringside.

Neville executes the red arrow and gains the win.

Afterwards, Bo enters and offers more encouragement to get Neville to stand up just so he could kick his injured knee out from under him. Well that’s just not nice.

Promo: Entourage and Divas

So his friends scold uh..Turtle? For running his mouth. They make contact with the Divas who of course want to hang out with him. All the while one of the other guys (im so sorry I don’t know their names), has a chat with Zack Ryder. Their plans to hang out with the divas are cut short as one quarter of the Entourage ropes them in for some plan he has with Zack Ryder.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus

Oh this match must bring back fond memories. Butts being washed with faces and heads being split open.At the announcer’s table Dolph bashes Sheamus’ head into the table, obviously in the hopes that the two could have matching wounds. It would make for a great bonding experience. Dolph delivers such a hard clothesline over the top rope he manages to knock himself over and open up an opportunity for the celtic warrior to beat him. As Sheamus is manhandling Dolph, Lana stands on the ramp and watches.

Rusev then walks out to the ring to attack Dolph. While Dolph manages to fend Rusev off with a super kick before he could enter, he fails to dodge Sheamus.

Sheamus wins with a brogue kick.

Sheamus basically feeds Dolph to Rusev. The Bulgarian brute demolishes Ziggler before leaving him a broken mess in the ring for Lana to simply observe with a stoic gaze.

John Cena vs. The Cast of Entourage

So he’s basically going to fight the newest additions to the crusierweight division, right?

Ah just kidding, they’re here to introduce Cena’s real competitor.

John Cena vs. Zack Ryder

Oh no, he’s going up against the broski that kissed his girl all those years ago! Well at least he has the entire cast there to support him. One bearded entourage man enters the ring to help but quickly becomes overwhelmed, and is yanked out of the ring by his friend. Thank goodness, because that man would have been snapped in half.

Cena of course pins Ryder and retains the title, even though Ryder pulled out all the stops and tried out some new moves in a desperate attempt to win.

As Cena is celebrating as the last man in the ring, Kevin Owens surprises him and delivers yet another brutal pop-up power bomb.

Promo:Stephanie, Triple H, Seth

Stephanie compliments her husband on his pickings of Kevin Owens. Seth is clearly jealous of the new praise and makes sure to turn the attention back to him.

Renee enters, requesting an update on the ‘Dean Ambrose situation’, to which Stephanie repeats that he has until the end of the night to sign the contract. Oh dear, that’s unfortunate considering Dean apparently got himself arrested for assaulting an employee.

Tamina vs. Paige

The Bella Twins on commentary

As always, once the twins are on commentary that means that anything that happens in the ring is completely neglected. Which is a shame, because I’m getting major Thor vibes from Tamina right now and that deserves some praise and or acknowledgement. Naomi delivers a cheap shot to Paige from ringside, which lends a nice hand to Tamina.

Tamina wins the match after hitting Paige with a Samoan drop.

In Ring Promo: New Day

As New Day goes on a rant which includes insulting the about to be destroyed coliseum, Kane makes an entrance.  Kane figures that the Elimination Chamber match is very fair because they have a 1/6 odds like everyone else. What’s unfair is the match tonight: them against Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, Los Matadores, The Ascension, Prime Time Players, and the Lucha Dragons in a 10×3 handicap match.

Oh Dear. Hard to stay positive after that.

Tyson Kidd, Cesaro; Prime Time Players; Los Matadores; The Ascension; Lucha Dragons vs. New Day

10 x 3 Handicap Match

Kalisto starts off the match with Xavier Woods, and really it’s only a matter of time until–oh.

Not even thirty seconds in and the entirety of New Day’s opponents enter the ring and ambush them which leads to a disqualification. Well, things just got chaotic beyond belief.

New Day are the only ones left standing after the Lucha Dragons fly off the top rope onto everyone at ringside. Coincidentally, New Day are the winners via disqualification.

…Well they were standing until Tyson and Cesaro snuck in and gave Xavier a nice swing around town.

Contract Signing…?

Well, backstage footage reveals that Seth Rollins in fact pushed the camera man into Dean. Well that’s unfortunate, probably won’t change anything. Stephanie plays up the fact that Dean attacked a camera man, a father of newborn triplets. Way to play up the sob story Stephanie! So tragic!

Just as Hunter is about to announce there will be no match between Seth and Dean, Roman Reigns makes a surprise appearance and attacks them. Kane, the hobbits, and Seth quickly incapacitate Roman, taunting him with the contract that Dean can’t sign. Little did they know, Roman was being a good brother and stalling for Dean

Driving an NYPD command center on wheels, clad in jacket, hat, and double batons, Dean appears just in time to save the day. Stephanie looks absolutely horrified, and I can’t blame her. Someone as unstable as Dean appearing in a cop car and partial uniform? One has to wonder what the hell happened.

Dean and Roman each wield a baton and beat Seth to a pulp, followed by Seth’s hobbits and uncle Kane. Roman fetches the contract for his brother to sign, and with the deal now in place….Seth better get ready for Elimination Chamber this Sunday.

Well that was interesting! What sort of loop holes do you think The Authority will try to concoct to invalidate the contract? Maybe this time they’ll have Dean arrested for impersonating a cop. Although, I feel like they missed out on hilarious segments of Dean in jail because they were too busy with recap after recap.

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