Elimination Chamber: Or Rather; WTF Is Happening Network is Frozen AGAIN(5/31/15)

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Pre-Show

Zack Ryder vs. Stardust

Well, Stardust seems to be rather cocky and confident going into this match. Zack’s ready to go, as he has a chip on his shoulder from losing to John Cena in his own home town. Although he does seem to be making up for it, as he starts off rather strong with two harsh arm drags to Stardust.

Ryder proves to be quite the opponent for Stardust, as Stardust intends to make the pin by using the ropes but is caught by the referee.

In the end, Stardust wins with cross-rhodes, leaving Zack Ryder to forever be defeated.

Miz TV

Okay, Miz may be an A-Lister but he absolutely missed the mark with this hot mess of an outfit that looks like a homeless man gave Miz the clothes off his back. Once we get over the fact that he looks absolutely terrible, Daniel Bryan graces us with his presence.

Daniel openly states that his career isn’t over, and that he will return. Miz keeps saying that Daniel’s career must be over because he wrote a book. As well as saying that Daniel is basically a goldmine and needs to start acting like an A-List celebrity. Uh….Miz clearly did not look in the mirror before he entered the ring.

Daniel declares that Miz TV is actually quite boring, and his solution to cure the boredom? The snap of a thumb that introduces Macho Mandow and Axelmania, who finally make Miz TV interesting by destroying the actor.

Elimination Chamber

Prime Time Players vs. Los Matadores vs. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, vs. New Day vs. The Ascension vs. Lucha Dragons

Tag Team Match

Just take a moment to appreciate the fact that El Torito is stationed on top of Los Matadores’ pod. Now of course for New Day, all three members will be competing which obviously gives them an advantage. Although, it may not be that much of an advantage, Xavier Woods may faint due to his small case of claustrophobia.

As the last two teams to enter, Lucha Dragons and The Ascension start the match. Predictably, it starts off strong as these two were both former NXT Tag Team Champions–and you can always rely on Lucha Dragons to put on one hell of a high-flying spectacle. You can also count on New Day to be complete scumbags and tug Kalisto’s legs through the chains to keep him from helping his partner.

Cesaro and Tyson enter next and make quick work of Sin Cara and The Ascension. In addition, Cesaro delivers a jumping uppercut(?) to Kalisto who was stuck on top of the pod before a super-plex.

Oh dear.

Los Matadores are next, and they release their secret weapon–El Torito from the top of the pod. All the while Kalisto has climbed to the very top of the chamber only to drop and nearly take out everyone beneath. Well, so long as his limbs are all still attached. El Torito attempts the same maneuver, but The Ascension catch him and throw him around before eliminating Los Matadores. The Ascension then eliminate the Lucha Dragons.

Prime Time Players are released and have a wonderful time throwing the Ascension around like a couple of rag dolls. Surprisingly, they eliminate The Ascension. What was that, under a minute?

New Day finally bursts out of their pod, and quickly become victims to a suplex–all at the same time.

Tyson Kidd and Cesaro were eliminated by the Prime Time Players–leaving Darren and Titus to face New Day one on one..or rather two on three.

In the end, it’s New Day who take the win after a dog pile on Titus.

Promo:Dolph Ziggler and Lana

Aw, how sweet, Lana wishes Dolph good luck and says the belt looks nice on him! Hey, hopefully if Dolph wins the belt he and Lana will have a relationship.

Probably not.

Nikki Bella vs. Naomi vs. Paige

Triple Threat Diva’s Championship Match

Okay, so, each woman here hates each other. Reasonable, considering they all want the belt. Paige is putting on quite the show of brutality because she really, really wants that belt back.

Let’s face it, Paige isn’t the only one pulling a mean streak. Each diva is dishing out their own dose of pain for the title. Faces and kneecaps meeting, backs of heads colliding with the mat–overall a bad time for everyone. Plus we get a little bit of trash talk from Naomi.

Nikki retains the championship. Which is kind of a shame considering the display Naomi put on.

Am I biased? Absolutely.

John Cena vs. Kevin Owens

Ah, a champion versus champion match. The United States Champion versus the NXT Champ. Who will win? Probably Cena…

Kevin goes for several pins but Cena kicks out of all of them. Kevin’s mad but, really dude? You should have known! Super Cena can never stay down. A cannonball, a DDT, even a pop-up power bomb, Cena’s kicking out of everything and simply taking a beating for the majority of the match.

Kevin mockingly attempts to do the five knuckle shuffle–but Cena counters and quickly puts him in the STF. Owens is still able to break free and deliver an attitude adjustment. Both of these competitors are pulling out new moves or moves so rarely ever used that they’re coated in dust–yet it’s still not enough to put the other away.

With a final pop-up power bomb, Kevin Owens defeats John Cena.

In uh, other words.

HOLY SHIT YES!! I’M SO GLAD I WAS WRONG YES!

Bo Dallas vs. Neville

Bo Dallas is just ready to get some revenge on Neville, that’s apparently been a long time coming. Really though, holding onto jealousy for this long? It’s not healthy Bo. You have a problem and you need help, serious help…you’re deranged.

The deranged man tries to explain to Neville that everything he’s done was for Neville. That he did all this to make him better and yada yada yada, quickly silenced by a swift kick to the head. It’s that cheap plea bargain that allows Bo to counter and take control of the match.

In a relatively quick match, Neville takes the win.

Promo:Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Triple H

As Roman and Dean are relaxing before the match, Hunter comes in and of course has to ruin the bromance moment. He can’t allow Roman to be at ringside during the match. If he gets involved, then Dean will get disqualified. Oh great, even easier for Seth to cheat.

Mark Henry vs. Sheamus vs. R-Truth vs. Ryback vs. King Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler

Intercontinental Championship Match

Replacing Rusev because he was injured during SmackDown is Mark Henry! Oh dear, people are going to die. Now that we have that settled, Barrett and Dolph will be starting the match. Ah, they have quite the history together with this belt, don’t they?

Next in the match is none other than R-Truth–who can’t even get out of the pod because Barrett ambushes him. What happens after that, I have no idea because my stream froze countless times. A leprechaun could have burst out of thin air and I wouldn’t have seen it.

As told by my very reliable source–Mark Henry was apparently the fourth entrant who got in early as a result of Barrett throwing Dolph into his pod! Well that just sounds unfortunate for everyone involved.

Ryback is the fourth one out, which leaves Sheamus to be the last man to enter at some point. I still don’t know what’s going on.

At this very moment, at 10:02 PM I have just heard that Truth eliminated Barrett. I wouldn’t know because my stream is frozen.

THANKS WWE! You know, freezing happens every single time I try to watch a damn PPV and it’s just lovely. It’s especially great when it happens during a PPV that’s only available on the Network. I can’t imagine why though! I mean, it couldn’t possibly be the result of rushing out a PPV two weeks after the latest one. Because that’s such a great damn idea, right? Hungry for subscribers but they can’t even fix the issues in their Network, what a joke.

Rant time over!

I have learned that Sheamus is stuck in his pod and having an absolute fit like a petulant child because multiple referees can’t seem to get him out. During this time, Ryback, Truth, and Dolph team up against Mark Henry until Ryback eventually eliminates R-Truth.

I don’t know what the hell happened. Apparently Sheamus’ cross was wedged in the caged, so he pulled it out to get free? Sounds like Sheamus trapped himself on purpose so that he had more time to relax while everyone else killed each other. Great tactic, you scumbag!

Sheamus eliminates Dolph Ziggler, leaving the final victim to be Ryback. According to my sources, because the Network sucks and frankly isn’t worth it at this point–Sheamus and Ryback keep calling moves. That’s…not good, we shouldn’t be able to hear you do that.

Ryback pins Sheamus and is the new Intercontinental Champion! I definitely did not see that coming. Daniel Bryan bestows the title upon The Ryback, because he thinks he deserves it. How cute.

Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Of course Seth gets his hobbits and uncle Kane there in a ‘official capacity’ to escort him to the ring and everything goes well. What a loving, close-knit family.

Naturally, these two start the match with priceless taunting and sarcastic smiles. Seth seems to be in control until two deep arm drags make him Dean’s bitch. Seth runs out, and doesn’t return until Dean lays down on the mat and the hobbits urge Seth to rush in and take the pin. Of course Dean jumps now that he has Seth finally making his way back in.

It doesn’t take long for the hobbits to lend a helping hand, which results in the cheating rat being referred to as Justin Bieber by the universe.

There comes a point where these two go back and forth on so many counters that it’s almost comedic–and a little impossible to keep count. Well it’s possible, I just decided not to.

Seth nearly gets the pin but one the referee discovers his legs were on the ropes he quickly separates the two. Seth takes control after throwing Dean into the barrier and goes for the pin several times but Dean just manages to kick out of all of them.

Good god, Dean delivers a clothesline that flips Seth like an Olympic acrobat. Later, instead of diving off the turnbuckle to attack Seth, he instead takes out the hobbits and Kane who were jumping on the apron. He goes for an elbow drop again but Seth uses the referee as a human shield, leading to Dean taking out the official.

Dean does manage to cover Seth and win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

But….

While Dean won the match–it was a result of a disqualification because Seth pulled the referee in front of him. Therefore, Seth Rollins retains the title.

That leads to the Authority running in and beating the crap out of Dean to get the belt back. Roman Reigns enters to help his friend, and on the way he grabs the belt from Seth after knocking him flat on his back.

Belt in hand, brother by his side, Dean vacates the ring. Couldn’t think of a better way to go out.

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