RAW: Seth Rollins is the New Oprah! (Highlights 6/29/15)

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The video package to start off RAW was so beautiful. It started out emotional and so wonderfully sweet as Seth lovingly apologizes and gets the band back together.It’s something that can bring a tear to even the most heartless man’s eyes as he witnesses the reunion of a family before it’s torn apart by a massive sociopath with a haircut that looks like freshly cut grass.

But any who, on to the highlights!

Highlights

Seth gifts the hobbits and Kane Apple watches…and becomes Oprah.

Wow. I mean. It’s uh….it’s precious, really! The three of them pose together like an awfully confusing Japanese commercial. You know what? Seth sure has changed, he’s such a sweet, giving man! Wow, I love when bosses take care of their employees.

Then he gets Kane a trip to Hawaii…wow.

I just. I’m so…Kane’s so happy, but Jamie looks like he’s bitter and wants to go to Hawaii instead considering his ribs are broken and Kane is perfectly fine.

But don’t worry, he gets the Hobbits a new car.

Wow. I mean. Seth Rollins has blown me away! Such a great guy.

Kevin Owens on commentary during Cesaro and John Cena’s match.

He’s kind of a sassy little dirtbag with his backhanded comments. It’s quite lovely, I connect so deeply with this sort of attitude.

Cesaro getting Cena high in the air for a devastating uppercut.

Good god almighty my chin hurts from watching that.

Cesaro executing the sharpshooter!

For Tyson Kidd! Good Guy Tyson over here.

Bray Wyatt is nuts!

He has major daddy issues and needs some serious help. However, I did call that he has some serious traumatic family history! Bray Wyatt is out of his creepy swamp mind, he has daddy issues for days.

Is that why he picked on Roman specifically? Still weird, and disturbing, by far.

Rusev is so pitiful.

Hobbling to the ring, hopping up the stairs, alongside the apron, and even still managing to hold the ropes for Summer. Oh dear, this man is a hot Bulgarian mess but it’s so damn funny.

Lana’s a scrappy devil!

She charged at Summer Rae not once, but twice! Lana’s buttons have been pushed and she’s a scrappy little force to be reckoned with.

Can this develop into a sociopath Lana that looks down at her opponents and says, “Look, I did not want to snap you in half with this steel chair, but you have forced my hand, this is all your fault.”

Because I’d so be here for that.

 Dean Ambrose talks to robots…and Roman Reigns hates everyone..

…Except for Dean Ambrose! Their bromance is precious, isn’t it? They’re always there for each other, just those two against the world.

..The world being The Authority which according to these two, made a fatal mistake about making the match a no DQ. Well then, someone’s gonna die tonight.

Seth running for his life to get away from Roman.

Just to run into the ring so Kane can take care of the angry Samoan. Come on, it’s hysterical. Seth is the little troublemaker kid that does all these horrible things, runs when he gets caught and let’s someone else solve the problem. He’s the quintessential troll!

Now all we need to do is put him behind a computer in his mother’s basement with several pillow wives.

Bray Wyatt ambushing Roman Reigns.

Wow, that was brutal, and considering it’s a no DQ, there’s absolutely no repercussions for his interference!

But oh dear was that painful to watch. So glad I’m not Roman right now.

Seth: You can’t hang with me or my boys!

Really Seth? I wonder if the genius that comes out of his mouth is pre-planned or he’s just that quick on being a dork on the fly.

So the night ends with The Authority destroying Roman so Bray can pick at the scraps that are left over. All the while Dean is helpless on the side laying around like he’s about to be painted by Leonardo DiCaprio. Uh? That’s…that’s a confusing ending. Can someone please explain to me why that would happen? Why make Bray come out a second time and not just have him come out at the VERY end to pick it apart? I get that he ruined the match in the first place but..

Agh. Forget it. I’ll never understand this stuff half the time.

Why is Bray Wyatt so Lonely?

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Recently, Bray Wyatt’s affection has been directed towards Roman Reigns. Okay, so Bray has taken to stalking his child and costing Roman a very big win at Money in the Bank. That doesn’t mean he hates the man in any way, shape, or form. He’s just a bit misguided and doesn’t quite understand how to function like a normal human being; as opposed to the creepy swamp thing that he is deep down (or not so deep down) inside!

The real question, as it always is on Sundays, is why? Why does Bray Wyatt stalk and terrorize Roman Reigns and his family? Why does he feel the need to partake in these disturbing mind games that must certainly leave Roman a shell of a man as he calculates his next step? Why is Bray so lonely that he must do these things to him?

The answer is simple, Bray Wyatt had a damn hard life.

First it started when he was but a child. It’s quite obvious that he’s adopted the swamp-man demeanor because of losing his beloved sister Abigail in a swamp all those terrible years ago. That was the beginning, taking on the very thing that terrified him and took his soul away.

In addition to adopting this persona, he also found himself clinging desperately to Disney movies.

Yes folks, Disney movies. Those same movies that leave you up at night sobbing, wondering how anyone could make an adult cry by watching a lion cub witness his father’s death.

Disney movies were always a key role in his development. Rarely in these films do you find a protagonist with a full family. Bray was able to connect with these films on such a personal level. This way, Bray was able to adapt and see that you can in fact carry on when you lose the ones you love.

I mean….he veered more towards the antagonists quite clearly due to his disturbing childhood loss, but that’s besides the point! Bray just wanted a family all his own.

Eventually he got one, the Wyatt family. Bray Wyatt, Erick Rowan, Luke Harper–the brothers from the black lagoon. The swamp creatures that followed the buzzards and burned all hygienic products in their path.

Yet just like he lost his sister Abigail (okay maybe not in the same way, but lost nonetheless), he lost his two brothers.

Bray tried recruiting others into his family. He wanted a full family! He needed one! He wanted the makeshift family of those beloved Disney characters…just went about it in a completely cruel and devilish way! There was Dean Ambrose–he would have been a perfect fit but he put up too much of a struggle. For a brief moment in time there was Ryback, but that one didn’t fit too well with what he wanted.

Third time’s the charm, and like Goldilocks did once before, Bray found the third choice to be perfect.

Roman Reigns.

Roman Reigns has a family already, but Bray clearly feels as thought it’s missing something very crucial. Creepy uncle Bray Wyatt from the swamp!

Bray Wyatt….you disturbing, creepy man. You don’t need to try and pull these Superstars into your demented family. Just go find some therapy. Or soap, add some water to that as well. But not swamp water, anything but that.

SmackDown: The Boys Are Back in Town (Highlights 6/25/15)

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To recap the recap show, I will be offering highlights as per the new usual. So in essence, my highlights are a recap of the recap show…is that..I mean…did I even get that correctly? Ah well, either way, words are written and read and sometimes they make sense.

Highlights

Jimmy Uso on commentary tonight for Byron Saxton

I can get behind this.

Champion Behavioral lessons with Seth Rollins 

I’m assuming that means there will be classes as follows: Hiding 101, Sprinting 101-A: Best paths to take, Sprinting 101-B: How to efficiently use your strength to run as fast as possible, Manipulation 206: How to make people think you’re sorry when you’re really not [same as: Pity 302: Perfecting the pout].

Yeah, I’m sure Seth will be great at that!

Rusev shambling down the ramp, pleading for Lana’s love.

Really, Rusev? Could you be anymore of a pitiful, pathetic little shambling excuse of a man?

If so, please step it up, this is entertaining in the most unfortunate way.

Tamina super kicking Brie Bella at ringside.

My jaw still hurts from witnessing it. It’s no sweet chin music, but it damn well gets the job done, and definitely hurts from the comfort of my own home.

New Day teaching Bo Dallas how to clap

I never knew I needed Bo teaming with New Day, until it finally happened. It just seems so fitting, bo-lieving in ridiculous things that will never happen, preaching their greatness….it all just goes together.

Titus throwing Kofi to the side like a cheap ho.

Pimpin’ ain’t easy, sometimes you just have to take a ho and toss them aside.

Dean wanting to give Bray a real Cincinnati style message on Roman’s behalf.

Something about a sock and a five pound–okay it doesn’t matter. It’s the thought that counts! Look, sometimes, you have to get a little street to get the job done.

The frightened look of security as they try to escort Roman from the building.

Come on, they couldn’t have possibly expected that they would be able to drag Roman out of there. Even if there were three of them. Three tiny little hobbits are no match for an angry father being harassed by a swamp-creature-psychopath.

Dean….dancing because he’s so fired up?

I don’t…I don’t know what it was. I mean…it looked like step-dancing but then it looked like the Uso’s entrance dance and then a mixture between “I’m a lunatic and I’m just flailing my limbs and hope it works” sort of thing.

Whatever it was, it was entertaining.

Ah SmackDown…probably could have been better. Now that there’s no PPV to look forward to, I just…I don’t know how they’re going to carry everything for three more weeks. I got used to the rushed feeling of two weeks between a PPV. But now…now I don’t know any other way.

I’ve been spoiled, and that has ruined my patience. But it’s definitely saved my snack budget.

Best for Business: Natalya as Champion

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you rock

Do you know what would be best for business? People who actually care about wrestling miraculously getting the chance to wrestle.

Do you know what would be best for business in the divas division?

A Natalya Hart Diva’s Champion. A complete and total bad ass, wonderful villainess run. Natalya retaining the title for an insufferably long time, completely destroying any diva in her path and becoming this wicked ruler. During her run she’d have countless open challenges for the title, handicap matches, anything she can to prove her excellence. Natalya would demand to fight a real wrestler.

Then we’d have the lovely Charlotte making her debut from NXT and putting an end to Natalya’s reign (because sadly, all good things must come to an end).

That’s what I think would be best for business. Why Charlotte in particular? Because these two lovely women are ridiculously talented, and have great in-ring chemistry.

Will it happen? Ah, no. Sadly whoever is developing the Diva’s division seems completely incapable of growing up and understanding that women have changed since they were obviously scorned by them at that one junior high prom where girls pointed and laughed at him.

But hey, I’m sure eventually they’ll give divas a chance!

RAW: Bray Wyatt Stole the Night (Highlights 6/22/15)

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Ah, Monday Night RAW! I’m sure everyone is jumping up and down with uncontrollable excitement, waiting to see Brock Lesnar pummel Seth Rollins. Let’s be honest now, that’s probably not going to happen until the end of the night, but hey, I’m no mind reader.

So for now, everyone will have to settle for my little bag o’ highlights leading up to the imminent doom.

Oh I was wrong, Brock Lesnar started off the night.

Well, this is awkward. Please don’t run me out of town for that failure of a prediction.

Michael Cole’s absolute fear of Brock Lesnar

Jumping up to get as far away from the beast as possible when all Brock wants to do is approach the table and issue an apology. Honestly, it’s really rude of Michael. You don’t have to forgive him, but just acknowledge that he apologized!

Or…apologize to him for not wanting to accept his apology, and then get uh…manhandled as though he was Brock’s little brother with a little noogie. So precious.

Seth wanting to get the band back together…

…pulling the ‘family’ card so he could get Kane to help him when the time comes for him to face Brock Lesnar. See what happens when you do all that trash-talking Seth? You screw yourself over.

Big E angrily eating vegetables.

Really, who angrily eats vegetables as they watch the new tag team champions have a match? That’s so weird, and strange, and I’m wondering when greens suddenly became a rage-fueling vegetable.

But more importantly–was that a celery stalk? Lettuce? I couldn’t get quite a good look at his snack, but Michael Cole said it was celery and I will listen to everything he says ever because he is never wrong and never makes a single mistake.

Roman’s “bitch really?” face when Sheamus tries to keep him from even entering the ring.

That man is not having any of it. He has much bigger problems up his non-existent sleeves than Sheamus trying to be cheap and keep him from getting in the ring. What nerve!

Roman Reigns did something and I don’t know what to call it!

But he did it to Sheamus, what was it, a running…elbow drop? I don’t know what to call it except for beautiful. He splattered Sheamus all over the announce table. So painful, so great.

Bray Wyatt distracting Roman during his match

With a tea party! Talking to a rocking chair, pretending that Roman’s tiny human was there. This forced Roman to vacate the ring and run back there to save his little human.

That was absolutely horrible and clearly Bray needs a psych evaluation.

But it was awesome!

Bray Wyatt you’re disturbing.

So he lures Roman backstage, only for Roman to find a very disturbing shrine consisting of Roman’s face several dozen times with the eyes and mouth cut out of every picture.

This is so incredibly disturbing and awful, and this is the greatest thing ever.

What? I’ve never claimed to be normal.

John Cena speaking French, Chinese(??? alright, I don’t think Chinese is a language), and Indiana Americana.

Just another bit of Super Cena trying to further show that he is the WWE’s Superman by mirroring his ‘omnilingualism’ ability. Nice, man.

That Random ‘Tough Enough Series Premiere’ screen cap during backstage interviews.

Really, poor JoJo and Ryback lost five seconds of their faces gracing the screens all around the world because of a technical error. Well this just goes to show you, Tough Enough is more important than this title run.

Big Show says he’s a big man and Ryback’s a little boy.

….

Excuse me, that’s so creepy! That’s more disturbing than what Bray Wyatt is doing!

Rusev throwing a tantrum seeing Dolph and Lana kiss.

He tauntrum-ed so hard, he fell to the floor.

That’s so amazing.

Green screen of death during Authority’s promo.

Really? Someone’s gonna get fired…

Seth: I patterned my in-ring style after you guys!

Seth, as he apologizes to the hobbits.

This is just golden.

Seth: Dinosaurs are extinct and you’re alive and well! Kane you’re like a fine wine man you just, you get better with age.

Is he serious right now? Yes. Yes he’s so very, very serious. What a time to be alive.

Brock Lesnar destroyed everyone.

Seth Rollins visited suplex city along with Kane.The hobbits were taken out almost immediately. Overall, a bad time to be a part of the Authority.

That is until Seth and Kane team up and deliver a vicious beat down to Brock Lesnar. The invincible beast has been taken down several notches and it’s unsettling. All the while Paul Heyman is simply watching.

Let’s be realistic here. This is plan B. Plan B is Seth Rollins becoming a Paul Heyman guy. Paul wants someone new, someone fresh, and the future of the WWE is a wise choice.

Aside from that, I really hope come SmackDown I get to see more psychotic Bray Wyatt, it’s the best.

Why is Rusev Still Obsessed With Lana?

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Ah, Rusev. The Bulgarian Brute. The man with a serious disdain of shoes, shirts, and all things America. He’s such a charming man isn’t he?

We’ve also learned that Rusev loves with all of his heart….if he has one. Whatever it is that’s in his chest is full of love…or severe obsessive tendencies. Since his very public and definitely imminent separation with Lana, we’ve seen an entirely new but not surprising side to Rusev.

The man has become every bitter ex boyfriend we’ve seen in the movies. Rusev took to pleading for her love first (and failing miserably). Then of course when all else fails, what do you do? Attack the new boy toy! Now even with that doesn’t manage to separate the two of them and manages to push them closer together, there’s only one thing left to do.

Stalk her, obviously.

Do not try this at home.

Like any insane brute of a man would do, Rusev has begun to stalk her. He follows her around wherever she goes, whether that’s accompanying Dolph Ziggler to the ring or simply admiring a table of cleaning products for some odd reason. Everywhere you look, Rusev is just hiding around the corner with his phone ready to take pictures of his former lover.

Now, why is Rusev still so very obsessed with her? Why must this man stalk her wherever she goes? Terrorize her new boy toy any chance he can get? Why Rusev, why?!

Well, it’s so obviously that I’m a little disappointed that I hadn’t seen the connection any sooner. In fact, the entire WWE Universe must know of the reason by now, we just haven’t looked very deeply into it.

Rusev is so very obsessed with Lana, because Beauty and the Beast is his favorite movie.

Really! Obviously the movie is number one on Rusev’s top ten list, followed by endless documentaries on great Mother Russia and body-building I’m sure. He loves the film so much that he has an obsessive need to live it out as though that is his life. With Lana by his side, she was the beauty to his beast. Rusev’s so obsessed with having this Disney life, that he will stop at nothing to get Lana back and be his princess.

Partially sweet, mostly disturbing and definitely worthy of a psychiatrist visit.

Or you know, he’s obsessed because she’s wonderful and should be Queen of the WWE, riding in with dragons every Monday and Thursday night.

SmackDown: Bray Wyatt Needs Intense Psycho Therapy (Highlights 6/18/15)

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Welcome back to another session of…SmackDown Highlights!

Ah yes! Crowd noises, cheering, signs, all that good stuff everywhere. Just imagine that while you’re reading, it adds to a better atmosphere. It also makes the entire experience a lot less lonely and pitiful.

I mean….fun. Right, fun.

Highlights

Sheamus: You like to steal other people’s property because you can’t win one on your own.

Oh good god almighty, Sheamus! Shots fired! Oh what a brutal comment. Yet, it has little effect, as Dean usually will start, jump into, or finish any sort of fight whenever he wants.

Dean playing tag in his match versus Kane and Sheamus.

What? It’s a legitimate strategy! If the man can’t be caught then he can’t be viciously beaten by a reformed demon and a man with hair problems.

…Now that I think about it, ‘hair problems’ can account for several men on the roster.

Cesaro: And just so there’s no miscommunication, I put my hands on you first.

The King of Swing challenging Kevin Owens and using Owens’ defensive line against him! How beautiful it is to see sassy Cesaro coming out and challenging the NXT Champion. I can get behind this 110%.

Bo Dallas said Dolph Ziggler is the worst rebound ever.

Alright Bo, you may be strange and horribly un-inspirational, but this is a fair point. What? There’s no love connection between Lana and Dolph, nothing like the way Rusev and Lana used to be! I’m not saying they need to get back together, but Lana does need someone that speaks to her heart.

Oh dear, they just kissed in the ring.

You know what? I’m not a matchmaker, I’m a blogger. Don’t hold me accountable if these two split.

Big E trying to have his voice heard over on commentary…

It sounded like the devil was speaking to me through my speakers. Pair that with the recent trailers for the upcoming movie The Gallows, and that makes for a terrifying several seconds of fear.

Seth: He stood toe to toe with me…and he did nothing.

Seth Rollins, the undisputed future of the WWE, and the man that loves to taunt people that want to kill him. It’s always fun when Seth taunts people–in this case he taunts Brock Lesnar. Count on Cocky Seth Rollins to dig his own grave and smack-talk when the beast isn’t even there.

Well, at least he can’t wait to die at Battleground.

Miz reviews ‘Vendetta’ while insulting Big Show.

Miz never fails to deliver in being an absolute brat throwing a massive tantrum. It’s beautifully annoying, and you can’t not love him for doing so. But really though, he made Big Show sound like an absolute nightmare.

Man, now even I never want to work with the guy, eesh.

Bray burning pictures and singing nursery rhymes.

Could you be anymore disturbing? If so, please bring it, because disturbing Bray Wyatt is quite entertaining.

Not if you’re Roman Reigns, as it results in a match loss and most likely very elevated stress levels. Pair that with the swamp thing wishing him Happy Father’s Day, and it just makes for a bad time for the Samoan bad ass.

However, make sure we all praise Bray in how cleanly he burned all of the margins off of the picture and barely managed to ruin it. A job well done!

Man, it feels wrong to say stay tuned for Monday Night RAW. It feels like I need to plug in another PPV at this point. Ah well…nothing to do for five weeks. Time to get a hobby.