SmackDown: Seth Rollins, The Undisputed Justin Bieber (6/4/15)

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Welcome to recap Thursdays! Where you are constantly reminded what program you’re watching (as if you already didn’t know) and what happened only three days prior. It’s almost as though we’re living in a time where there’s no such thing as the internet where people could find out what had happened prior to viewing this show!

Oh, pardon me, the show is called SmackDown.

You know what? I think I’m going to remind everyone constantly what show they’re watching.

Moving on!

(Someone in the audience has an ‘Undisputed Justin Bieber’ poster. I don’t know who you are, but your sign was beautiful and so true that I needed it as a headline.)

The recap show starts with Seth Rollins, all by his lonesome. Not a single hobbit in sight, nor a big red monster. Uh oh, the pouty, petulant child is finally making a stand all on his own! Does he get a cookie as a reward for this or a lecture from mommy and daddy?

To start, Seth holds a chair and reminds everyone how it was all he needed to dismantle the Shield all on his own. We learned that he was sick of sharing the spotlight–which really isn’t anything new. We’ve figured out that he’s a conceited, narcissistic human.  Yada yada yada, Seth has done everything himself–including defeat Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar. Which by the way, he says that Roman is trying to follow in his shadow. Wow, what a loser.

Now, where’s his damn belt? With that thug, low-life Dean Ambrose. That’s fine though, he’ll get it back. He won’t need the help of anyone in The Authority, and that includes his power-couple parents.

Dean Ambrose, however, is tired of hearing him speak. Dean lovingly reminds his former brother (from the titantron) that he has awful memory and has, in fact, been helped every single moment along the way. After all, Seth has a lot of baggage that must be dealt with. Fear not, Dean is prepared to officially obtain the title as the champion. While Seth has been pampered throughout the year, Dean struggled to get to the top. Seth’s gone soft, but Dean’s only gotten stronger. Which of course means that Dean is going to officially become the champion.

Prime Time Players vs. The Ascension vs. Lucha Dragons

Tag Team Triple Threat for Number One Contenders

(In case you didn’t know, you’re watching SmackDown, but at this point you’re reading about it. But still, this is SmackDown)

To start off the match are Sin Cara and Darren Young. It doesn’t take Darren long to suffer a bit of a tag team beat down from the Lucha Dragons. While this goes on New Day watches from back stage, trying to assess who their future opponents may be. I suppose it’s so that they can figure out the best method for cheating.

After some back and forth and a bit o’ chaos from all the teams, Titus gets in the match and makes quick work of decimating just about everyone. Even Kalisto is no match for Titus, who is caught mid-air and thrown out of the ring and onto Connor.

In the end, Titus pins Viktor which leads to the Prime Time Players becoming the number one contenders for the tag team titles.

Promo: Renee Young and New Day

New Day feels like their future at Money in the Bank is as bright as a sun rising…..on a new day. They also have a 3 step program set in place for this glorious day.

Step 1: Dispose of PTP who are money hungry fools

Step 2: Listen to the WWE praise them as they hold the titles up in the air after their victory

Step 3: Kofi will win the money in the bank ladder match and walk out with the contract.

Kane interrupts their planning and informs them that Kofi has a match against Neville.

Ryback vs. Stardust

(Again, this is SmackDown, in case you forgot! Now, insert several recaps about Monday Night RAW right here)

The Big guy versus the nimble guy! Who will win?! Probably Ryback, most likely. Although, Stardust proves to be quite the challenge for the big guy. Being nimble and quick such as himself makes for an interesting challenge for the large man. Stardust is able to counter and slide out of holds with ease–although they may be with the help of latex as well.

Is wearing latex considered cheating?

In the end, being an agile weirdo wasn’t enough as Ryback was able to use shell shock on Stardust for the win.

Promo: Renee Young and Paige

On the ramp, Renee interviews Paige wanting to know about her devastating loss.

Well, Paige isn’t happy, to no one’s surprise. She says it’s the same old with the Bella twins and their twin magic.

Kind of like how it’s the same old in that the only two divas on the division these days seem to be Paige and Nikki Bella. Or, one of the Bellas, since they seem to use themselves interchangeably. Paige says she’s been one of the divas who have been held back alongside Naomi, Summer Rae, and the likes.

Yeah, Paige definitely hasn’t been held back. Three title wins within one year of being on the main roster? Man, super held back.

Promo:Luke Harper and Erick Rowan

Alright. Well, these men feel like rejects because they look like dirty swamp people and act weird. Like a disturbing, backwoods family. Alright then, time to lock the door.

In Ring Promo:Kevin Owens

(This is STILL SmackDown, in case you forgot and had no idea why you wandered here in the first place)

Oh man, the other Champ is here. The champ apparently thinks that he will win his rematch with John Cena. Well, I’ll be absolutely amazed if that actually happens. We all know that the rematch usually means Cena will come out on top.

Kevin is bothered by the fact that John said he wasn’t a real man. I mean, I can understand that. The man’s son probably saw that and believed it! Quite honestly. John Cena seems like the villain in this–especially with how Kevin is painting him as the man corrupting children’s minds.

….It’s kind of true. Cena has a cult of snot-nosed tiny humans that are going to rule the world.

Now, in an effort to upstage Cena, Kevin issues the NXT Championship open challenge. Right, because he’s going to lose that belt on SmackDown, of all places.

Kevin Owens vs. Zack Ryder

Oh dear, there’s not much to say about this match. Zack Ryder was a rag doll, decimated rather quickly by Kevin Owens. The man obviously has retained his title.

Promo:Renee and Sheamus

(I’m pretty sure this is still about SmackDown)

Well, Sheamus does not like hearing that Roman Reigns is favorite for the Money in the Bank ladder match. The same way he decimated Randy Orton on RAW, he plans on decimating the rest of his opponents at the pay per view.

Nevill vs. Kofi Kingston

The man with a dozen nick names versus….the cheater! Gasp! Yes, Kofi is now a cheater. It’s safe to say that these two are more evenly matched, as both men are more than capable of doing the ridiculous stunts that anyone who values their body would not wish to do. They match each other in speed and agility and at first, Kofi seems to be dominating.

Neville eventually gains the upper hand, clearly getting very tired of the antics of Kofi’s teammates.  Even Big E pulling Kofi out of the ring isn’t enough to stop Neville, who fixes the problem with a backflip off of the top turnbuckle.

Neville manages to pin Kofi and take the win.

Miz TV

(I forgot what show this is about. Is it SmackDown?)

Someone take the damn scarf away from Miz’s head and he would look better. The outfit isn’t as atrocious as it was in the best, but the scarf? It’s gotta go. You are not a 90 year old woman thanking people for helping you across the street and handing out fresh baked cookies.

Anyway, the guest for this evening is the ravishing Russian Lana! So, as classy as ever, Miz gets right to the point. Basically, Lana’s whole ‘feelings for Rusev’ thing, is an act. Lana was clearly using Rusev. Forget the sexist behavior of Rusev, that was nothing, he was obviously very sorry. Lana’s the real problem. Ugh, rude woman.

Fear not, Miz is just trying to get Lana’s side of the story…not clearly incite an argument or anything. Although I’m very pro Lana hitting him. So, to make sure we get all sides of the story, Miz brings out the hobbling Rusev.

Man, if that guy fell while hobbling to the ring, I’d die laughing.

Rusev proclaims he’s a broken man. Literally, he’s….he’s quite broken with that right ankle, or foot, or leg of his, whatever’s broken. He pleads for Lana to be his crutch, because he’s a broken man and his reasoning for his horrible behavior is that he was raised differently. A fabulous excuse!

Well, Lana knows where Rusev can shove those crutches. After Rusev throws a tantrum while Lana is very stoic and pleased with her simple phrase getting Rusev to snap, Dolph appears. The new boy toy links arms with Lana and escorts her away from the ring.

Ah, out with the old and busted, in with the new hotness.

Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus

Ah, the bad ass Samoan and the Celtic Warrior with questionable hair choices. Tonight, Roman’s still feeling the affects of Mark Henry’s splash on Monday Night. As a result, Sheamus goes absolutely mental on Roman’s ribs. Anything he can do, whether it’s a jab, several hundred knees, or a devastatingly painful slam into the apron–Sheamus will do it.

Basically, Roman endures quite the beating.

Then every time he gets some momentum–one shot from Sheamus ruins it and so the beatings start all over again.

Just as Roman’s about to deliver the superman punch, Kane and the hobbits of J&J security join them at ringside. Sheamus tries to capitalize, but Roman manages to power out more than once. Before Roman can finish Sheamus off and pin him for the win, Kane and his massive feet decide to interfere.

The match ends in a disqualification with Roman being the winner.

But really, no one’s the winner when Kane is kicking everybody in the face. Now that both Roman and Sheamus are done, courtesy of Kane, he informs the Universe that he’s the last competitor in the Money in the Bank ladder match. Hm, well this is great, I can’t see how this can possibly end horribly for anyone involved….

By the way, in case you forgot or somehow didn’t know. This was about SmackDown!

This wasn’t so bad though, right? I definitely didn’t remind you what on earth this was about as much as the show itself does. Ah, all those valuable moments wasted.

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