Promo: Jojo and Ryback
Is Ryback worried about Big Show’s size advantage? Uh….apparently not? He knows who Big Show truly is…a bitter man…apparently. Ryback got all sorts of personal with this and I…I don’t see the point. This was uncomfortable. Someone go silence that man with a hot dog or something.
Promo:Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose
How precious, those two gearing up for their matches later in the night. Roman says that Dean will be the first to know when he cashes in his briefcase that night. Alright, well. Considering how chummy these two have been, I assume Roman is going to crush his heart and make Dean ever regret having friends ever in his entire life
R-Truth vs. King Barrett
Okay well, Truth enjoyed wearing King Barrett’s regal robe and crown so much so, that he may just go on and join ‘Games of the Thrones’. Interesting, wonder how many seasons he’d last. Well–dear god what on earth is Barrett wearing?
Dear God, is that from Party City or Spirit Halloween??
I need bleach for my eyes for this ridiculous and utterly absurd costume.
Well, aside from this mess, Barrett does not seem amused in the slightest with Truth wearing his gear the week before. Barrett had delivered a clothesline that nearly took Truth’s head off. Then Truth was nearly pinned, but both had managed to kick out more than once.
Truth surprisingly counters winds of change and pins Barrett for the win.
Even R-Truth can’t believe it.
Money in the Bank
Money in the Bank contract Ladder Match
Randy Orton vs. Neville vs. Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus vs. Roman Reigns
Oh dear, I forgot Sheamus was in this. Is that horrible?
Anyway, considering how many people are going to be in this crazy match up, let’s do some bullet points for anything outstanding that happens. If nothing outstanding happens, then that’s rather unfortunate.
- Everyone sees Kofi trying to sneak up the ladder so six men proceed to beat up the poor fellow.
- Neville accidentally flipped Kofi right onto the ladder so he could climb up
- Roman power bombed Kofi right onto a ladder. Ouchies.
- He then proceeded to bomb Neville right onto Kofi–who was still on the ladder. Double Ouchies
- Neville jumped over Orton to climb ladder.
- Randy RKO-ed Neville and Kofi off the ladder. Oh dear.
- Dolph started with a sleeper hold on Sheamus on top of the ladder–and ended with the both of them falling backwards.
- Kane drop-kicked a ladder through the bottom rope to hit Dolph at ringside.
- We get a Samoan Superman flying over the top rope to clear everyone at ringside.
- Xavier Woods and Big E run down to put Kofi in the ring.
- Roman kicks the life out of Big E and Xavier at the same time. Good grief.
A Wild Bray Wyatt out of Nowhere!
PUSHING the ladder over just as Roman is at the very top and about to unhook the briefcase. Then he took Roman out with sister Abigail. Ah man, suffering a very eerily similar fate Dean once faced.
Well, now they both can bond over Bray Wyatt ruining their lives with sister Abigail.
But it’s not over yet…
Actually, it is.
Sheamus steals the opportunity and wins the Money in the Bank contract.
(Maybe this was done because everyone and their mothers predicted Roman winning, cashing in, and turning on Dean. Plus everything was leaked, what with Roman and Lesnar supposed to face off at Summer Slam. You’ve gotta keep things fresh. This is all rather unfortunate.)
Promo:Renee Young and Paige
Paige proclaims the Bellas are crafty–pretending to be innocent when really they’re vile little brats. Preaching to the choir, Paige.
Nikki Bella vs. Paige
Good grief, how many times have we had this match? The same thing over, and over, and over again. All the stops better be pulled to make this interesting.
Okay, Paige did flip onto Nikki who was at ringside, I’ll take that as a bit of a sampler. To keep things fresh the divas take things outside the ring. Luckily for them the referee takes ages to initiate a count to try and get them back in. This gives Nikki a perfect chance to slam Paige onto the barrier.
Then to later drive her into the apron.
Paige happens to be particularly brutal in this match. Seems like she desperately wants that title back a third time.
Once again twin magic is performed and Brie sneaks in. However when Brie is pinned by Paige, suddenly the victory doesn’t count. Paige obviously knocks Brie out, and Nikki enters the ring.
Nikki wins and retains the title.
So….? What? The match continued. Alright then. Sounds like it should have been a straight up disqualification, Nikki would have retained either way.
(Why don’t they just pair Cena and Nikki together and throw in some mixed tag championships? They’d dominate the WWE just as the company wishes, and it’ll add some freshness.)
Big Show vs. Ryback
With special whining, narcissistic, unbearable, The Miz on commentary!
Ryback starts off strong with a spinebuster, and a meat hook. Well, he almost finished him quite quickly, interesting. Big Show is quick to take control, after capitalizing on Ryback taking the time to throw Miz over the table. Ah, the woes of being at ringside.
Just as Big Show drags a knocked out Ryback into the ring, Miz runs in and assaults Big Show which leads to a disqualification.
Big Show wins via DQ, but Ryback retains the title.
I’m pretty sure the crowd just chanted ‘thank you Miz’ as well.
Kevin Owens vs. John Cena.
It’s the current walking billboard versus the future walking billboard–er…I mean…uh. Okay, sorry, it’s champion versus champion once again! Well, the crowd seems to be all about the future, as Cena is absolutely baffled by the universe cheering for Kevin and not him. Oh dear, his poor feelings!
Owens takes control early on, but one standing drop kick later and he loses that control momentarily. The two are constantly back and forth. Owens goes as far as to mimic Cena’s running tackles and five knuckle shuffle.
Later when John does the five knuckle shuffle, he’s met with boos. Unfortunately for him, the crowd will only say ‘you can’t see me’ these days if Kevin does it, not him. Ah, how bittersweet.
Good grief things get intense. Cena turning a pop up power bomb into a hurricanrana (thanks for that JBL). Kevin delivering a super kick. Cena responding with a hurricane DDT–it’s a whirlwind of back and forth between them…just like last time.
Cena’s so tired of dealing with Kevin that after a kick out he questions the ref not once, but twice. Honestly he’s pissed. Kevin is countering everything he has. Even when Cena does this unbelievable counter that I can’t even describe–he’s still pissed.
Okay, I have to applaud Cena on this. They’re doing a fine job. Definitely topping their previous match. Seriously I don’t even know what that was!
Redemption for John Cena, as he wins with a stunner followed by the AA. A great match, but we knew this would happen.
After a beautiful speech by Cena to try and congratulate him for a job well done, stating that he belongs there, all that crap…Owens attacks. He kicks him out the ring and power bombs him, like any experienced wrestler should do.
Promo:Renee Young and Dean Ambrose
Turns out Dean found the belt! He’s also super duper excited to defeat Seth Rollins. The man hates authority, paper work, all that suit wearing pencil-pushing stuff. So, this should be a real treat.
Tag Team Championship
New Day vs. Prime Time Players
Ah, finally after Big E and Xavier Woods delivered their long speech, the match gets started! Darren and Xavier start, and Xavier quickly tags out to Big E. Well, someone is about to get thrown around like a blow-up doll.
Titus eventually gets tagged in, and he demolishes Xavier! Really, he slammed him with his shoulder and that just looked like the worst thing to ever have to experience.
The winners and new Tag Team Champions are the Prime Time Players!
I definitely did not see that coming.
Promo: Kane, Seth Rollins, J&J Security
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a demon and a pair of hobbits so happy to see a golden child fail ever in my life. Good god, they’re so excited.
To add to that, Stephanie and Triple H remind Seth that the weight of the company is on his shoulders. So, if Dean wins, they’re going to blame Seth. Quite frankly, that’s never, ever a good sign.
Thankfully dad gives a better speech than mom in situations like this.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
This seems like another match that’s going to have a lot of highlights. Like I should have done for Kevin and John, I’ll make some bullets out of this one.
- No referee in the ring–that dude is scarred from last time.
- Rather than getting thrown into the ladder at ringside, Seth runs up it and jumps onto the apron before leaping into the ring
- Then he dives through the ropes–right into a ladder
- Dean suplexes Seth into a ladder
- Dean performs bionic elbow off the top of the ladder
- Seth bashes Dean’s knee caps in with a chair while he’s on the ladder. I just needed to put that because that sounded so terrible.
- Seth gets Dean in the figure four leg lock while using the ring post. Again, ow.
- Dean called Seth a son of a bitch, that’s $1 for the swear jar and a lecture from Seth’s parents.
- While Seth and his testicles are stuck on the top rope, Dean delivers a clothesline off the second rope and flipped him inside out.
- Match gets taken out into the audience.
Geez, these two are psychopaths out to kill each other. Well they return to the ring eventually.
- Dean tosses Seth over the top rope and Seth breaks the ladder-bridge he earlier formed between the apron and the announce table.
- Dean hits Seth with dirty deeds on the Spanish announce table.
- Seth bashed Dean’s leg again, this time with a monitor while Dean was on the ladder. Now they’re just getting really crafty.
- Seth bombs Dean on top of chairs…that are on top of a ladder, so they both get hurt.
- Now Seth is just burying him in chairs at this point, and ladders. I would hate to be the clean up crew.
- Both men are holding the title…
…But Seth unhooks it, and Dean cradles it all the way down to the ground. Both men had the championship, but Seth ended up being the man holding the title.
Seth Rollins retains the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
Well, this is going to lead to an interesting Monday Night Raw that’s for sure.