Battleground: HOLY CRAP (7/19/15)

Standard

Battleground! Time for the PPV that was…well….really not that hyped up at all. In the beginning everything seemed great but it just fell apart and went stale. All we can hope is that the matches and the outcomes can make up for the very “meh” lead up.

5 week buildup = not the best

But first….the kick off show.

Kick Off

King What’s Up vs. King Barrett

Yeah. R-Truth is calling himself King What’s Up. That is definitely a thing. Alright, well….I mean, I guess it’s not the worst King title to have. Uh, at least we have to look forward to Truth bouncing around like a weird bunny trying to twerk, and Barrett stealing Truth’s catch phrase.

Plus there was that beautiful commercial right in the middle. Wow, just…A+ everyone.

In the end, King Barrett wins! All hail the King, or if we’re playing a Halo match, hail to the King.

See what I did there? It’s a game reference.

Battleground

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

Ah, revenge for the millionth time! Now, I believe this time it’s Randy that has a bone to pick, right? You know what, assuming that he gets passed Sheamus’ blinding entrance, I’m sure he’ll be just fine!

Sheamus was kicked directly in the left tit. I hope he’s not lactating.

Randy Orton took the win, even after his legs nearly snapped in half because of Sheamus’ submission hold.

New Day vs. Prime Time Players

Tag Team Championship

Good god almighty, this match starts off rather quickly between Darren and Kofi. The two go at it like a couple of snakes trying to wrap around each other. Actually, it only starts off that way after New Day preaches about winning and victory and all that crap for a good, long while.

I do love Titus’ face every time someone slaps him. It really screams “Bitch did you just–? OH hell no”, then of course he proceeds to slap the person around like a rag doll. Then we have Xavier calling out moves of his opponents with commentary such as “worst leg drop ever”! He’s so mouthy it’s hysterical.

According to Xavier, Big E has some serious tricep meat. Alright, that’s one way to refer to it!

With a powerful slam, Titus pins Big E for the win. Thus meaning the Prime Time Players retain their titles!

Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt

Oh dear, now this has to be intense. Roman has a lot of pent up rage for Bray that has to come out. The man cost him the briefcase at Money in the Bank, threatened his child, stalks him…he’s basically become a super obsessed fan girl in a dangerous way. Alright fine, dangerous is a light way to put it. I hope there’s a straight jacket available for after the match, regardless of who wins. That man needs to be put in a psych ward.

The way Bray sits in the ring is almost like he’s saying, “Come sit between my legs, so that I may braid your glorious mane.”

Roman slapped Bray so damn hard Bray rolled right out of the ring. Bray slapped him back, but it wasn’t quite as explosive. Hell, Roman threw him so hard into the barricade it moved. That’s pure rage….and strength, but there has to be rage somewhere in there to. When Bray took control of the match, he started to get very cheeky! Sticking his butt out, praising the sky (most likely a swamp god), and even doing some funky little shuffle around in the ring. Bray….just….whatever, carry on weirdo.

You know, one doesn’t realize how frightening it is for Bray to clap two chairs together until he does it and seems to enjoy it way too much.

SUDDENLY HARPER!

A ‘hooded man’ (definitely Luke Harper) attacked Roman Reigns at ringside. The added assistance led to Bray beating Roman.

Don’t you love it when families reconnect?

Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. Brie Bella

Diva’s Triple Threat Match

I love that Nikki was going to fight but decided she couldn’t handle the boss and the woman who’s stylin’ and profilin’. So why not sacrifice your sister to two of the queens of NXT, right?

Sasha strung Brie and Charlotte up on the ropes and just stomped right through them–good god I’m in pain just watching that. Sasha takes charge rather early on and absolutely dominates the two women for quite some time, until Charlotte is able to show the universe just why she’s genetically superior.

Really though, that neck breaker she did to Sasha was beautiful.

Brie manages to hold her own against the two divas as well, running around like her husband, nailing both divas left and right. Her kicks of course would make any goat man proud, and hurt, very painfully. However, Brie Mode can only last so long.

Now what kind of big ol’ triple threat match up between three teams would this be if every single person did what they were supposed to do? Exactly, not one at all. Of course everyone gets involved, splashes, drop kicks–everyone somehow becomes a victim to some diva brutality and it’s wonderful.

Brie wisely taps out to the figure eight, leaving Charlotte victorious by submission!

Holy hell what a match!

Kevin Owens vs. John Cena

United States Championship

Aw, poor Kevin Owens returning to the ring once again–this time without his championship. Ouch what a bummer. I can’t imagine how that feels. All that talk and yet now he’s lost his belt….well, you tried.

Cena of course needs to keep everyone entertained with the new moves he’s been executing. Yes, that means Cena jumping off of the top rope which is rarely ever seen. However, the start of the match is nothing we haven’t seen before, as these two have gone toe to toe several times now.

You know what was awesome though? Kevin catching Cena in mid-air and countering with the pop up power bomb.

It’s pretty predictable, though. Yes, the two have great chemistry together and put on wonderful matches…but we know what’s going to happen. They’ll kick out of each other’s finishers, do the others moves to mock them…countless near-pins. We all know what’s coming!

Surprisingly, Owens taps out to Cena’s submission, leaving Super Cena to retain the title.

The Miz vs. The Microphone

I really, really want MIz’s grey sweater. Seriously if I wore that with a tank and leggings then I would be set! Honestly, I’d wear it better than he would.

Alright in all seriousness, Miz’s match is postponed and he’s just throwing a massive hissy fit. Ryback is too afraid to mess with him because Miz is apparently the toughest man in the WWE….ah yes, definitely. That’s absolutely the case.

In other news, Big Show walks to the ring, knocks Miz out, and promptly leaves. Knocked his pants halfway down his legs….that’s….Miz, what do you think a drawstring is for?

Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Oh dear. The golden boy versus the beast that he has been poking and prodding at with a stick. This entire build up does not bode well for Seth, even if he is the future of the WWE. He has no back up either. No demon, no hobbits….but you know what? He’s a crafty little ninja, he’ll figure something out.

It actually takes awhile for Brock to begin his two moves of doom strategy. Seth does a fine job of running away like a bat out of hell, as well as holding on to ropes for dear life to keep Brock from flinging him around. Overall? I am in pain, and feel terrible watching this.

Seth grabbed his title and tried to flee, but Brock cleared the barricade like a god damn gazelle running from a cheetah. Naturally, he brought Seth back to the ring to receive his punishment–and he was way too happy about that.

On the bright side, Paul Heyman is at ringside keeping count. Hey, at least we know he knows how to count.

Surprisingly, Seth’s able to gain some leverage! All it took was one counter, and Brock was quickly taken down with a countless number of kicks. Hell, Seth kicked him out of the ring! Someone’s doing extremely well against the beast incarnate and actually living up to all that trash talk he did.

HOLY BALLS OF HELL IT’S THE UNDERTAKER

THE DEAD MAN HAS RISEN.

Brock Lesnar and Undertaker, staring each other down in the ring. Brock swore he had taken care of him but now…now he looks petrified. Taker easily countered Brock’s attempt at an F5..and well…

The Dead Man showed him who was the boss. A choke slam, a beautiful, nostalgic tombstone…this is blissful.

Honestly, the look on Heyman’s face, I’m surprised that man even stayed there to watch his client get destroyed.

Brock Lesnar has officially been evicted from Suplex City and relocated to Death Valley.

The build up to Battleground? Eventually, yes, it got stale. But the end result? Absolutely beautiful. In addition, Seth keeps the belt, Brock still looks like a beast, and he goes on to thoroughly regret ever breaking the streak!

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