SummerSlam is finally here, all four hours of it…this is going to be a long, exhausting night that requires countless energy drinks.
I just want to get through this evening so I can finally get away from the “Roman or Dean heel turn” rumor fiasco. At least until the next PPV. OH, and so I may finally stop hearing that damn ‘Cool For the Summer’ song.
Surprisingly, there was no pre-show match since this will be quite the long extravaganza, now onto the show!
Mick Foley and Jon Stewart in the ring together, is arguably the best, most entertaining thing I’ve experienced in my life. Jon, I know you’re retired, but uh….please, have a show with Mick.
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
Ah, a match that’s been seen countless times before. But, can they bring some freshness to this tried-and-semi-true match up?
Well I’ll tell ya what. Finally the crowd answered Sheamus’ stolen question! Sheamus now knows that the crowd is not entertained! Blood was drawn, and Randy’s eyebrow seemed to suffer greatly, that poor caterpillar. However he did get some revenge with an elevated DDT from the top rope. Plus, an RKO to Sheamus after the hawk-haired warrior leapt over the top rope? Lovely.
Good for you, snake eyes!
Unfortunately for him, Randy Orton was brogue-kicked into next week and lost to Sheamus.
The New Day vs. Lucha Dragons vs. Los Matadores vs. Prime Time Players
Fatal 4-Way for Tag Team Championships
The New Day opened it up with a beautiful, heart warming cover of Empire State of Mind. I believe it may be the new anthem of the city, sorry Jay-Z.
Now onto the actual match.
New Day was trying to be clever by tagging both members of their team in so that they may easily win the match, but oh how their plans were so quickly foiled. We discover that Kalisto is quite clearly a superhero, Xavier likes to tell everyone what New Day eats for breakfast, and Los Matadores are just here to enjoy the night. As always, Titus breaks everyone in half on his knee and tosses them away like used up toilet paper.
What a quirky bunch of people.
Notably, Big E’s spear took him through the ropes and right into Darren standing on the apron. Then Titus launched a couple of lucha dragons and a matador off the top rope. Good grief.
Unfortunately for Prime Time Players, New Day’s Kofi pinned a matador and won back the titles for the New Day.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev
Holy denim. Lana’s now a Brooklyn Barbie.
Or hood-rat Barbie, whatever floats your boat.
Then there’s Summer Rae who’s dressed up as a Vegas magician’s assistant. Ziggler’s trunks have chains all over them and he’s slowly going back in time….thank you Rusev for barely changing, I can’t handle change.
Lana and Rusev shouting at each other after she slaps Summer into a new millennium is great. Although, I really need Lana to shout “You wanna go bitch?” At Rusev before utterly destroying him.
The match ends in a double count out, thoroughly disappointing the entire WWE Universe. So to send the world home happy, the ladies run into the ring to save their boyfriends and fight each other.
I think Lana and Summer were definitely far more ruthless.
Stephen Amell, Neville vs. Stardust, King Barrett
Ah, actor in a comic book-based show vs Stardust…the man who thoroughly believes he is a true comic book villain against a real hero. Well, who’s to say he isn’t? Believe in whatever you want Stardust, you special snowflake!
Neville of course puts on his high-flying theatrics, but the real joy is watching Stardust in his quirky glory. He plays with
Oliver Stephen, but you can tell he’s nervous at any moment the Green Arrow gets the advantage. Even Barrett wants to protect his precious Stardust.
Amell manages to hold his own rather well with the horrible beating he takes from both of his opponents. Not bad for an actor, eh Stardust? Hell, he even flies off of the top rope to the two men at ringside.
You go Green Arrow!
Finished with a red arrow, Stephen Amell and Neville win.
Big Show vs. Ryback vs. The Miz
Triple Threat Match for InterContinental Championship
I’ve said this before, but honestly. Miz. What the hell are you wearing?!
Anyway….two hulking meat heads and a D-List celebrity. This should be a match for the ages! Especially considering a particular celebrity likes to just chill on the sidelines and let the real, fight commence. But hey, strategy is strategy.
Here’s the match: The giant announces that he’s a giant and is very self-aware. The hungry guy likes to call other people stupid while smacking his own head, because he’s smart like that.The celebrity that did the least but everyone wanted to win….did not win.
Ryback pins an already knocked out Miz and retains his title.
Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper vs. Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose.
Family vs. Family
Don’t you love Brooklyn? The same people that boo him are the same people that grope him on his way to the ring.
More importantly, the Wyatt family has decided to showcase themselves a bit more stylishly. Bray for some reason has decided to channel Loki with his choice of head wear, as well as put duct tape on one pant leg. Okay then. At least Luke bought new jeans.
Always count on Dean to really go the distance–by running across three announce tables for a hard elbow drop right into the timekeeper’s area. A classic move. Harper flies all over the place, Dean has to fly after him–this is just a mess of limbs all over the place.
Bray lovingly hung Dean from the middle rope and uh….well. Planted him head first into the mat. Outside the ring. Violently. Ouch.
Roman was taking a long nap, but thankfully the crowd shouting ‘Roman’s sleeping’ woke him up, just so they could boo him.
Alas, the stronger family came out on top with Roman executing a painful spear to Bray Wyatt.
The Shield Dean and Roman take the win.
Seth Rollins vs. John Cena
Title for Title
Ah, John Cena Sucks, the musical. You’d think WWE would have capitalized on this already considering the fans know all the lyrics to it.
…You know. I want to make fun of Seth Rollins for walking in dressed as Tommy, the White Ranger from the very amazing Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers…but I just can’t.
Never mind, yes I can. Where’s the dragon zord Seth!? I had no idea he was playing the team leader in the new Power Rangers reboot. Hey, where’s Kimberly man? Where’s Zordon?! What the fuck happened to Saba?!
Okay, I’ll stop.
Good god. You know what we haven’t seen in a while? A high-flying Rollins. Not one, not two–okay two actually. Two suicide dives followed by a flip over the top rope? Beautiful.
Plus there’s countless other dives, jumps, flippity-floppity motions that John Cena should be afraid of. Plus he hits Cena with the attitude adjustment, and reverses a figure four leg lock.
The real, beautiful part of all this?
Jon Stewart assisting Seth Rollins, with a beautiful steel chair right to the gut of John Cena. One pedigree head-first onto that chair later, and Seth has become reigning WWE World Heavyweight Champion and new United States Champion.
Team Bella vs. Team B.A.D. vs. Team PCB
Diva’s Tag Team Elimination Match
So only one diva from the team needs to be pinned or tap out to eliminate her entire team? Hm, already. That’s odd, but I suppose we have no choice but to go with it.
Team B.A.D. does a swell job of keeping keeping Becky in the corner, a good way to dominate the match early on. Man, with the beating Tamina gives her? Not a good time to be Becky.
At ringside, Charlotte speared Tamina in order to save Becky. That of course led to Sasha and Naomi flipping over the top rope. So what ensues? The Bella twins diving through the rope to join in on the fun! Then eventually, all of the Divas are knocked out on the ground.
Well hot damn.
First to be eliminated: Team B.A.D. as Tamina was, pinned by Brie.
Nikki executes a brutal ‘alabama slamma’ to Paige, slamming her right onto the mats at ringside. Well, my spine is broken just by seeing that.
Becky wins the match when she pins Brie for the win!
Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens
Ah, the match I’ve been waiting for. The man who loves to walk away from fights, versus the precious cinnamon roll of a man.
Kevin takes an early lead in the match. I’d imagine this is a lot of his anger fighting for him, considering he lost his rematch with Finn Balor at NXT Takeover. No title for you, Owens!
Well, Cesaro running all the way around the ring to deliver an uppercut that nearly put Kevin through the barrier was just quite lovely. Then a swing, followed by a sharpshooter? Cesaro was on a roll!
Unfortunately, none of that was enough as Cesaro fell victim to the pop-up power bomb which gave Kevin the win.
Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker
The Beast versus the Dead Man.
I’m just wondering if Jon Stewart will come out again and hit Paul Heyman with a chair because of the horrible things he said earlier. Just imagine Jon escorting Undertaker to the ring. That way once the match starts he and Paul can go at it.
Geez, Taker hasn’t even taken his coat off yet and Brock goes after him. Don’t worry, Taker was able to toss Brock out of the ring so that he may save his precious trench.
Unfortunately for Taker, he falls victim to Brock very quickly by renting a room at the local YMCA of suplex city. But while he’s there he makes sure to bust open Brock’s disturbing sociopathic face.
Brock wasn’t all too happy with having his face busted over again. So like any man would do, he f5-ed Taker right into the announce table…and left the man rolling around in ink for a little bit until he was able to make it back into the ring. Then, Brock followed it up with numerous death threats accompanied by his favorite swear, bitch.
But you know what’s nice? Taker laughing right in Brock’s face, looking as crazy and maniacal as ever.
Then things get confusing…
Brock has taker in the kimora lock and suddenly the bell rings when it wasn’t supposed to. Taker tapped, but the referee was counting the shoulders down. The ref throws an absolute fit, Taker goes for the low blow, and then the match commences with Taker putting Brock in the hell’s gate.
Undertaker wins the match by submission, while Brock lays there bleeding and wondering if he’ll get fined for sticking up the middle finger.
Now, Taker and Brock was great. It was nostalgic, it was brutal, and it ended with Paul Heyman having a fit. However, the match of the night went to the show stealer, the future of the WWE, the power ranger…Seth Rollins. Ah, it’s going to be bad on Monday Night Raw, isn’t it?