RAW: Braun Strowman Destroyed 2/3 of the Shield (8/31/15 Highlights)

Standard

Man, what a time to be a wrestling fan right? RAW hadn’t even started, and Monday had already been quite an eventful day. Hell, the weekend was especially eventful. It’s quite amazing what goes around like wildfire on Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram, isn’t it?

Well then, enough of that! Onto the show.

Highlights

Stephanie McMahon agrees with Sting.

Seth Rollins is not half the man his father her husband, Triple H is. Uh oh, I sense a family dispute.

Summer Rae sneaking into Dolph’s locker room.

Well then. Someone needs to contact Jerry Springer, he has to come back. At least this time it’s not for the Bella twins.

Dolph Ziggler gives a whole new meaning to RAW..

That was not PG at all.

Kevin: Cole! Cole! Watch this you little jerk!

Yeah you little jerk, you watch Kevin miss hitting Cesaro, damn it!

This Lana/Dolph/Summer/Rusev thing is stupid.

IT’S STUPID.

It’s bullshit!

Oh no, Summer saw Dolph naked because she snuck up on him like a creepy pervert. Yet instead of being mad at Summer for doing that and invading his privacy, she’s mad at Dolph like if he turned on some music and got down to business with Summer.

IT’S STUPID.

Braun Strowman destroys Dean and Roman.

That was….painful to watch. Hell, him speaking before the match was enough to creepy me out. But now I’m going to have nightmares and I have sympathy pains.

The man is quite effective.

Seth claims he’s the man now.

Seth basically said of Triple H (as the youth of today would put it) “He ain’t shit now.”

Yeah that’s good Seth, rip off the hand that feeds you. Solid work.

New Day proclaims the Dudley Boyz are a menace to furniture.

You know what? They’re right. They destroy these works of art, crafted for hours by people just trying to earn money to feed their families. People who are proud of their hard work…people who have to see those damn Dudleys destroy everything they’ve made.

New Day bubble wrapped a table.

Someone give them a sitcom deal please.

Bubba screams ‘New Day sucks’ while running across the ring.

What a beautiful time to be alive.

Well, this episode of RAW was…something alright. It wasn’t as entertaining as last week that’s for sure. Things really picked up when the Dudley Boyz faced The New Day–but that was at the end of the night!

I dread what happens on SmackDown.

Advertisements

Why is a Hall of Famer on the cover of WWE 2k16?

Standard

Ah, good ol’ Stone Cold Steve Austin. That beer drinking, ass kickin’ sumbitch….

Why are you on the cover of WWE 2k16?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Stone Cold. Millions of people love Stone Cold Steve Austin. He’s an icon, he’s a legend, he’s the bald head of the attitude era!

He’s also very much retired.

Why would he be on the cover of this video game when he’s retired, hmmm? On the covers we’ve had John Cena, The Rock (at least he comes back and has some matches…sometimes….whatever), CM Punk, Randy Orton…. quite an array! But Steve Austin as the cover? Really.

Could you possibly have any less faith in your main roster than you already do? You have to go and put him on the cover as opposed to any of your leading superstars? Why wouldn’t Seth Rollins be on the cover? He’s been parading around as the Future of the WWE for ages now! Hell, at the moment he has not one, but two titles with him.

Yet he’s not on the cover. Stone Cold is.

Of all the possibilities…the current champion Seth Rollins, the intimidating thoroughbred Roman Reigns, the insanely-over-with-the-crowd Dean Ambrose, the “you should see a therapist” Bray Wyatt.

None of them!

Nothing says, “I have no faith in our future” like pulling a man out of retirement and reminding everyone of the “good ol’ days” by slapping him on the cover.

SmackDown: The Shield Knock-Off Loses Again! (8/27/15 Highlights)

Standard

Welcome to SmackDown, the show that never lives up to RAW and doesn’t even try! However, now that those damn Dudley Boyz are back, there’s a slight chance that more effort will be put in! There’s another Wyatt family member…and uh….that’s it really…those are probably the only two things that will bring more entertainment.

Highlights

Dean and Roman entering  together.

Aw, how precious…like old times before everything went to hell.

Dudley Boyz on SmackDown!

That’s a highlight enough. Do you know how long it’s been since they’ve been there? FAR too long. Sorry Ascension, hope your stay in Dudleyville is pleasant. OH! Also, that you can successful pick out all the splinters that the table gave you. I know some places are a little hard to reach.

#GiveTablesAChance

Good god, New Day. Your signs are brilliant. Such charming, creative people.

Seth Rollins feels like his life can be a movie.

The likes of Clooney, Damon, Pitt, Tatum would be vying to place the lead! Hell, he should have his own national holiday.

Good grief, he’s so modest it hurts.

Rusev: I don’t trust you giant!

You see that? Rusev gets it.

Big Show knocked out Rusev for trying to steal the pin that belonged to him.

knocked the fuck out

The Wyatt Family working the numbers game.

Gotta say, it’s a nice change up seeing them dominate now and get the upper hand. Their black sheep is a colossal force to be reckoned with.

It’s damn cool.

Will the Shield knock off find themselves a third member!? Will the Wyatt Family continue to expand? What happens when Rowan returns?!

Hell if I know.

Why the Diva’s Revolution Pisses People Off

Standard

#GiveDivasAChance

There was a time when the WWE Universe was vying for a change within the Divas division of the main roster.

Okay, thats an understatement. The Divas, the fans, everyone and their mothers were hoping for a change. They wanted the main roster to be more like NXT. Long matches that showcased their magnificent wrestling abilities, as well as storylines that people cared about.

Shockingly enough, people are tired of catty women slapping each other around. They’re tired of insults concerning their looks, the brands they decide to wear, whether they’re preppy or geeky–it’s horrible.It demeans the women, and you’d think that with all the care they put out into make the program PG, they’d have more care in what they’re writing.

We’ve got bad guys, the stereotypical villain that kids know not to emulate because he’s wrong. Unless you know…you really do want to be bad. We’ve got heroes that send great messages of friendship and triumph, and conquering your fears and the bully keeping you down. Tales of the underdog succeeding.

Then we have the women’s division. Slapping each other and putting the other one down like a dreadful episode of Degrassi. It angers everyone. Ah yes, that clearly takes up a lot of brain power.

The point of the “Diva’s Revolution” was completely missed. Yes, the likes of Sasha Banks, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch were added to the main roster to showcase their abilities, but not to be thrown into repetitive tag matches that never change.

People didn’t want them to be brought up just to have them there. People wanted them to be incorporated, to lead the revolution.  People wanted them to work with the current Divas on the roster–all of them–not just the ones that have been highlighted and already dominating the show.

Why isn’t Natalya a part of this? Why is she being reduced to a valet or comical opponent of Torito? Why is Tamina always the one taking the loss, or Naomi being brushed aside for a title run? Summer Rae and Lana bicker and fight over their boyfriends all the time–and the only time we see Cameron is on Total Divas.

This Revolution pisses everyone off because it’s exactly what it was never meant to be. Cat fights, the same old matches done over and over again with overly-predictable outcomes. Is there a story at all? No. Is anyone actually going for the title, or just settling for whining about who’s better and trying to put the other one down?

It’s the latter, in case you haven’t noticed. Although crowds definitely have. The Brooklyn crowd from Monday Night RAW post-SummerSlam noticed, and boy did they voice their discontent. Disrespectful? Yes, absolutely, but it’s also pointing out the fact that people are tired of the same old, catty garbage.

There will be no change with the Diva’s Revolution until the powers that be realize that pathetic, middle school drama should be left for ABC Family. It’s exhausting, for both viewers and for the athletes busting their asses day in and day out…and for what?

To be shoved to the side? To be reduced to a clique fighting with another?

Oh no, something has to change, for good.

MTV Scream Episode 9: Murderers are Party Poopers

Standard

Warning: Spoilers, sarcastic, possibly downright awful comments to follow. Read at your own risk–or amusement. I don’t know who you are, some people enjoy horror mysteries that end in bloodshed and terror.

You sicko…

Now, onto the good stuff!

We know that whoever the killer is, definitely stole the mask from the evidence room.

First of all, shout out to the lazy security officer that didn’t notice a burglar run right by him because he was too busy reading. Top notch work there sir, I blame you for all of the deaths that have happened in this mentally disturbed town.

Second, the mask was stolen. There’s quite a large chance that everyone can come away from this saying it’s clear Brandon James is dead, as someone stole his mask.

Or you know, he climbed up from the depths of the lake and took what was rightfully his. I highly doubt that.

Brooke being watched via webcam while she was in her underwear.

Let’s pretend for a second that we all believe it wasn’t Jake who was spying on her. Although, he’s a teenage boy, and he’s done this before. One can never be too sure.

Let’s pretend he didn’t do a thing. Seth, the known webcam spy, is in prison and clearly has no access to a camera for his perverted spying needs. I firmly believe he and Piper are in cahoots together.

So, it could be Piper committing the creepy spying. In doing so she takes some of the attention and heat off of Seth, and instead directs it towards Jake. It’s the perfect plan of an evil genius.

The dynamic duo visits Cassie James–Brandon James’ mother.

By dynamic duo, I don’t mean the magnificent duo of Noah and Audrey. For some reason Piper and Emma make quite the investigative pair…even though Piper inadvertently led to Will’s death.

The slightly-senile woman admits that Brandon’s son visited him, and says that it was Seth, only to later recount it and say it was Kieran only after Piper went back and showed her a photo of him.

Or so she claims.

That’s awfully fishy.

First, the woman’s old age has clearly affected her mind. She’s not all there, so I feel that Emma prompting her by giving her a name was far too easy. Why not just ask if she was able to describe him and see who fits the description?

Although, all of the men here are tall brunettes so, there’s really not much variation.

Now Piper conveniently approaches Emma at the party and tells her that she went back to the old woman in her free time, decided to show her a picture of Kieran, and suddenly its him?

Really?

Piper could be lying about even visiting the woman. She could have stayed in her car all day long and waited until it was the perfect time to go and lie to Emma. There’s something extremely shady about Piper, and I feel it’s because she’s working with Seth Branson.

Yes, I’m definitely biased about my analysis at the moment.

Seth Branson’s bloody escape.

Near the end of the episode is when things get a little bit devastating for the town. Kieran conveniently disappears just as his bloody, tied up Sheriff of a father appears on screen at the Halloween party. Piper shows up and claims that Kieran is Brandon James’ son, and we see at the end of the episode that the only thing left in/near Seth’s cell is a murdered officer and a whole mess of blood that would make vampires cringe at all of the spilled deliciousness.

Seth’s escape is tricky. He very well could have gotten out on his own and prove himself to be the vile murderer that everyone thinks he is.

It’s also possible he could have been broken out for one of two reasons. The first being that his partner (Piper or possibly Kieran) wanted to get them out for one last show down. So that the two can wreak havoc upon the town (probably at Brooke’s after party) and end things once and for all.

Or, he could have been broken out to further implicate him. If we go with the idea that Kieran is actually the killer, he breaks Seth out of jail to make it look like he did actually escape with the intent of  going after Brooke (since it’s believed he had attacked her).

Good grief….

As time goes on it’s getting harder and harder to pinpoint who’s the actual killer. Kieran seems the most likely, but I don’t want to believe it’s him for the sheer fact that it seems too obvious. Piper and Seth are still my number one choice for tag team killers.

Although, wouldn’t it be so comical if Noah was master-minding this all along? After all, he does know all the rules of the game.

RAW: GET THE TABLES (8/24/15 Highlights)

Standard

Once again, it’s time for the post-PPV RAW. Tantrums will be thrown, statues will hopefully be erected, and….more tantrums will be thrown, obviously.

Then there’s something going on with the InterContinental title…eh.

Highlights

Of course it starts with Seth’s dad, Triple H praising his performance, plus he’s going to unveil Seth’s new statue!

Oh please, we all know what will happen. Triple H will turn on Seth, and his reason will be that he explicitly told Seth to wear black and blue, not white and gold.

Then of course Brock and Paul have to be first to set foot into the ring…

…and bitch and moan about their loss at SummerSlam. Although, Paul is very hip on the language of the youth. Took me a moment to realize what GFY meant.

Bo Dallas comes out and very eloquently refers to Brock as “Mr.Brock”.

Then he was sacrificed to Suplex City over and over and over and over and over and over again.. The man is lucky his diaper didn’t turn brown.

The New Day making their way to the ring with an amazing new cover!

Xavier Woods plays the trumpet for their lovely cover of “New York, New York”. Their new lyrics are amazing, their new suits are “on fleek” it was wonderful.

Then Xavier plays “Taps”. This team is glorious.

But it gets better!

The Dudley Boyz make a return!

Welcome to Dudleyville, New Day!! How were those tables? Were they comfortable? It was great to watch. I’m so happy. I don’t care what happens for the rest of the night.

Bray got a new Big Monster man that tried to kill Dean and Roman.

Seriously though man, who are you? Also, please get new pants, because they’re weird as hell.

Charlotte shutting the Miz down.

Yeah, you did not surpass his legacy, Miz. Nice try though. Very lucky Charlotte didn’t kill you.

Becky’s absolutely adorable.

Challenging Foxy to throw soda on her….ha, shoutout to Total Divas, right?

Jon Stewart he admits he couldn’t stand the thought of Cena tying Flair’s streak.

I think Jon died inside.

John Cena hit Stewart with the AA.

Now he’s dead on the inside and on the outside.

Sting is Seth’s statue.

Well he’s not actually the statue, but he was there instead of the statue. That’s practically the same thing.

RAW was action packed and beautiful. Mostly because the Dudleys returned. I’m still very excited about that. Plus they’ll be back on SmackDown! What a time to be alive.

SummerSlam: GO GO POWER RANGERS!!! (8/23/15)

Standard

SummerSlam is finally here, all four hours of it…this is going to be a long, exhausting night that requires countless energy drinks.

I just want to get through this evening so I can finally get away from the “Roman or Dean heel turn” rumor fiasco. At least until the next PPV. OH, and so I may finally stop hearing that damn ‘Cool For the Summer’ song.

Surprisingly, there was no pre-show match since this will be quite the long extravaganza, now onto the show!

SummerSlam

Mick Foley and Jon Stewart in the ring together, is arguably the best, most entertaining thing I’ve experienced in my life. Jon, I know you’re retired, but uh….please, have a show with Mick.

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus

Ah, a match that’s been seen countless times before. But, can they bring some freshness to this tried-and-semi-true match up?

Well I’ll tell ya what. Finally the crowd answered Sheamus’ stolen question! Sheamus now knows that the crowd is not entertained! Blood was drawn, and Randy’s eyebrow seemed to suffer greatly, that poor caterpillar. However he did get some revenge with an elevated DDT from the top rope. Plus, an RKO to Sheamus after the hawk-haired warrior leapt over the top rope? Lovely.

Good for you, snake eyes!

Unfortunately for him, Randy Orton was brogue-kicked into next week and lost to Sheamus.

The New Day vs. Lucha Dragons vs. Los Matadores vs. Prime Time Players

Fatal 4-Way for Tag Team Championships

The New Day opened it up with a beautiful, heart warming cover of Empire State of Mind. I believe it may be the new anthem of the city, sorry Jay-Z.

Now onto the actual match.

New Day was trying to be clever by tagging both members of their team in so that they may easily win the match, but oh how their plans were so quickly foiled. We discover that Kalisto is quite clearly a superhero, Xavier likes to tell everyone what New Day eats for breakfast, and Los Matadores are just here to enjoy the night. As always, Titus breaks everyone in half on his knee and tosses them away like used up toilet paper.

What a quirky bunch of people.

Notably, Big E’s spear took him through the ropes and right into Darren standing on the apron. Then Titus launched a couple of lucha dragons and a matador off the top rope. Good grief.

Unfortunately for Prime Time Players, New Day’s Kofi pinned a matador and won back the titles for the New Day.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev

Holy denim. Lana’s now a Brooklyn Barbie.

Or hood-rat Barbie, whatever floats your boat.

Then there’s Summer Rae who’s dressed up as a Vegas magician’s assistant.  Ziggler’s trunks have chains all over them and he’s slowly going back in time….thank you Rusev for barely changing, I can’t handle change.

Lana and Rusev shouting at each other after she slaps Summer into a new millennium is great. Although, I really need Lana to shout “You wanna go bitch?” At Rusev before utterly destroying him.

The match ends in a double count out, thoroughly disappointing the entire WWE Universe. So to send the world home happy, the ladies run into the ring to save their boyfriends and fight each other.

I think Lana and Summer were definitely far more ruthless.

Stephen Amell, Neville vs. Stardust, King Barrett

Ah, actor in a comic book-based show vs Stardust…the man who thoroughly believes he is a true comic book villain against a real hero. Well, who’s to say he isn’t? Believe in whatever you want Stardust, you special snowflake!

Neville of course puts on his high-flying theatrics, but the real joy is watching Stardust in his quirky glory. He plays with Oliver Stephen, but you can tell he’s nervous at any moment the Green Arrow gets the advantage. Even Barrett wants to protect his precious Stardust.

Amell manages to hold his own rather well with the horrible beating he takes from both of his opponents. Not bad for an actor, eh Stardust? Hell, he even flies off of the top rope to the two men at ringside.

You go Green Arrow!

Finished with a red arrow, Stephen Amell and Neville win.

Big Show vs. Ryback vs. The Miz

Triple Threat Match for InterContinental Championship

I’ve said this before, but honestly. Miz. What the hell are you wearing?!

Anyway….two hulking meat heads and a D-List celebrity. This should be a match for the ages! Especially considering a particular celebrity likes to just chill on the sidelines and let the real, fight commence. But hey, strategy is strategy.

Here’s the match: The giant announces that he’s a giant and is very self-aware. The hungry guy likes to call other people stupid while smacking his own head, because he’s smart like that.The celebrity that did the least but everyone wanted to win….did not win.

Ryback pins an already knocked out Miz and retains his title.

Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper vs. Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose.

Family vs. Family

Don’t you love Brooklyn? The same people that boo him are the same people that grope him on his way to the ring.

More importantly, the Wyatt family has decided to showcase themselves a bit more stylishly. Bray for some reason has decided to channel Loki with his choice of head wear, as well as put duct tape on one pant leg. Okay then. At least Luke bought new jeans.

Always count on Dean to really go the distance–by running across three announce tables for a hard elbow drop right into the timekeeper’s area. A classic move. Harper flies all over the place, Dean has to fly after him–this is just a mess of limbs all over the place.

Bray lovingly hung Dean from the middle rope and uh….well. Planted him head first into the mat. Outside the ring. Violently. Ouch.

Roman was taking a long nap, but thankfully the crowd shouting ‘Roman’s sleeping’ woke him up, just so they could boo him.

Alas, the stronger family came out on top with Roman executing a painful spear to Bray Wyatt.

The Shield Dean and Roman take the win.

Seth Rollins vs. John Cena

Title for Title

Ah, John Cena Sucks, the musical. You’d think WWE would have capitalized on this already considering the fans know all the lyrics to it.

…You know. I want to make fun of Seth Rollins for walking in dressed as Tommy, the White Ranger from the very amazing Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers…but I just can’t.

Never mind, yes I can. Where’s the dragon zord Seth!? I had no idea he was playing the team leader in the new Power Rangers reboot. Hey, where’s Kimberly man? Where’s Zordon?! What the fuck happened to Saba?!

Okay, I’ll stop.

Good god. You know what we haven’t seen in a while? A high-flying Rollins. Not one, not two–okay two actually. Two suicide dives followed by a flip over the top rope? Beautiful.

Plus there’s countless other dives, jumps, flippity-floppity motions that John Cena should be afraid of. Plus he hits Cena with the attitude adjustment, and reverses a figure four leg lock.

The real, beautiful part of all this?

Jon Stewart assisting Seth Rollins, with a beautiful steel chair right to the gut of John Cena. One pedigree head-first onto that chair later, and Seth has become reigning WWE World Heavyweight Champion and new United States Champion.

Team Bella vs. Team B.A.D. vs. Team PCB

Diva’s Tag Team Elimination Match

So only one diva from the team needs to be pinned or tap out to eliminate her entire team? Hm, already. That’s odd, but I suppose we have no choice but to go with it.

 Team B.A.D. does a swell job of keeping keeping Becky in the corner, a good way to dominate the match early on. Man, with the beating Tamina gives her? Not a good time to be Becky.

At ringside, Charlotte speared Tamina in order to save Becky. That of course led to Sasha and Naomi flipping over the top rope. So what ensues? The Bella twins diving through the rope to join in on the fun!  Then eventually, all of the Divas are knocked out on the ground.

Well hot damn.

First to be eliminated: Team B.A.D. as Tamina was, pinned by Brie.

Nikki executes a brutal ‘alabama slamma’ to Paige, slamming her right onto the mats at ringside. Well, my spine is broken just by seeing that.

Becky wins the match when she pins Brie for the win!

Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens

Ah, the match I’ve been waiting for. The man who loves to walk away from fights, versus the precious cinnamon roll of a man.

Kevin takes an early lead in the match. I’d imagine this is a lot of his anger fighting for him, considering he lost his rematch with Finn Balor at NXT Takeover. No title for you, Owens!

Well, Cesaro running all the way around the ring to deliver an uppercut that nearly put Kevin through the barrier was just quite lovely. Then a swing, followed by a sharpshooter? Cesaro was on a roll!

Unfortunately, none of that was enough as Cesaro fell victim to the pop-up power bomb which gave Kevin the win.

Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker

The Beast versus the Dead Man.

I’m just wondering if Jon Stewart will come out again and hit Paul Heyman with a chair because of the horrible things he said earlier. Just imagine Jon escorting Undertaker to the ring. That way once the match starts he and Paul can go at it.

Geez, Taker hasn’t even taken his coat off yet and Brock goes after him. Don’t worry, Taker was able to toss Brock out of the ring so that he may save his precious trench.

Unfortunately for Taker, he falls victim to Brock very quickly by renting a room at the local YMCA of suplex city. But while he’s there he makes sure to bust open Brock’s disturbing sociopathic face.

Brock wasn’t all too happy with having his face busted over again. So like any man would do, he f5-ed Taker right into the announce table…and left the man rolling around in ink for a little bit until he was able to make it back into the ring. Then, Brock followed it up with numerous death threats accompanied by his favorite swear, bitch.

But you know what’s nice? Taker laughing right in Brock’s face, looking as crazy and maniacal as ever.

Then things get confusing…

Brock has taker in the kimora lock and suddenly the bell rings when it wasn’t supposed to. Taker tapped, but the referee was counting the shoulders down. The ref throws an absolute fit, Taker goes for the low blow, and then the match commences with Taker putting Brock in the hell’s gate.

Undertaker wins the match by submission, while Brock lays there bleeding and wondering if he’ll get fined for sticking up the middle finger.

Now, Taker and Brock was great. It was nostalgic, it was brutal, and it ended with Paul Heyman having a fit. However, the match of the night went to the show stealer, the future of the WWE, the power ranger…Seth Rollins. Ah, it’s going to be bad on Monday Night Raw, isn’t it?