Brass Ring Bullshit

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Remember when Vince McMahon was on the Stone Cold Podcast? Well in summary, he slammed most of his entire roster, save for his knight in shining armor John Cena who can do no wrong. Honorable mentions included Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, and Seth Rollins, men he coined as reaching for that brass ring. As though they’re the only superstars that are trying at the moment.

This post is in no way an attempt to disrespect the work of these four men. Though I will admit, I shamelessly indulge in Super Cena remarks when an overdone concept is put out yet again. Come on, anything involving Cena is formulaic at this point. Plus who am I to ignore Rollins’ childish tantrums in the ring? It’s just too easy.

No, this is pointing out one of Mick Foley’s recent Facebook posts, “Push Cesaro”.

This post goes out to the man that Vince publicly deemed of simply not connecting with the Universe, for lack of charisma or for the fact that he’s Swiss.

Uh…?

That’s wrong.

Have they seen anything he’s done in Chikara, for example? How the crowd sings his theme song? What about the first ever steel cage match with Brodie Lee who for some astounding reason looks incredibly familiar and I just can’t quite put my finger on it…

Do you want proof of his work within WWE aside from these last few months? Okay then, what about his matches with William Regal, Adrian Neville, Sami Zayn all in NXT? Pretty sure fans enjoyed what he was doing.

Am I a fan of Cesaro? Yes, who isn’t? This isn’t a post to glorify him just because I like him, but because what Vince has said is wrong.The man has quite clearly connected with the Universe (even if he does proclaim he delivers rather than connects). You know a man has connected when people take the initiative upon themselves to praise him when WWE does not. The Cesaro Section is a perfect example of that. A phenomenon taking arenas by storm.

Yet this resembles another man that managed to connect on his own–and several men before him. The most recent example coming before Cesaro would be Damien Sandow. The Universe praised him for his comedic stylings when paired with the Miz. They were devastated when he lost at WrestleMania to Big Show.

Yet when he came out on his own? Renouncing Mizdow and just being himself? It was pure Sandow magic. It was what the Universe wanted, and they cheered for it every step of the way. Yet what happens? Once again, the man is booked as an impersonator. Not that he’s bad at doing so, he isn’t in the slightest….it just went back to what people didn’t want to see of him and now the only time we see Sandow is on the back of a milk carton.

Cesaro is on his way to becoming a classic example of that. He was on fire on RAW and SmackDown with the matches he was in against John Cena, against Kevin Owens, paired with Randy Orton, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns. Cesaro had managed to regain that momentum once again all on his own by doing exactly what he does best–delivering. Yet it seems that now after he’s more than delivered, more than connected with the universe, that proverbial ‘brass ring’ is being yanked right out of his hands.

As far as we see, Cesaro isn’t the one that’s hindering his abilities to deliver nor connect with the Universe. It’s the lack of adequate booking. Why, after the man has been on an absolute glorious rampage of fantastic matches would you have him lose to Big Show over and over again? Didn’t he beat him at WrestleMania in the inaugural Andre the Giant Battle Royal? Yet one knock out punch and he’s down for the count…

Huh. I didn’t realize Big Show suddenly required more attention than Cesaro. I’m glad they decided to do it now while Cesaro has momentum, and not the other months where Big Show’s presence has been there simply because they didn’t know where to put him. Maybe those ‘please retire’ chants FINALLY got to them.

Or what about that time they had Cesaro act as a simple placeholder in his match with Rusev while Dolph Ziglger and Summer Rae exchange pleasantries. Why would anyone do that? How can we go from a man putting on show-stealing matches with John Cena–to being completely ignored while the camera is focused on ringside.

I just don’t get it.

Well wait a minute, maybe…I just…you know? There may be something I do understand.

The ‘Brass Ring’ is brass-bullshit

Was that bad? Yeah it wasn’t one of my finest lines I’ll give ya that.

There’s no brass ring club, there’s no ‘do your best and reach for the stars and it’ll come to you’. It seems at this point it’s a man that’s lost in the past and is desperately clinging to that. It makes sense, doesn’t it? John Cena’s still the top dog and isn’t moving from that spot so long as he’s alive. Steve Austin is on the cover of WWE2K16 rather than anyone on the current roster. Daniel Bryan’s even publicly pointed out that there’s a reliance on old talent and the mentality is still that they’re better than the current talent. That shouldn’t be the case at all, if you’re trying to build a successful brand.

To maintain success in a changing era, you have to grow with your viewers, change your ideals. That means leaving the attitude era behind and focusing on what’s in front of you.

In short: Cesaro’s getting screwed out of super stardom because of backwards thinking and a refusal to leave the past behind. He’s not the only superstar for this to happen to, and he probably won’t be the last one either. Why he couldn’t have continued his feud with Kevin Owens is beyond me, as it was entertaining and those two put on great matches.

But what do I know right? I’m just some loser sitting behind a keyboard who pays to watch these programs and buy shirts that support these professional wrestlers….even if it’s from places like What a Maneuver, because WWE claims that these stars can’t connect with the crowd and no one supports them yet they don’t even make shirts for people to support them.

As for Cesaro, the man should finally get the push he’s long-deserved because every time he steps into the ring he delivers. I respect that he always puts on an amazing match even when it seems no one in charge believes he does.

FACT!

Scream Queens Episode 1: I’m Not Impressed

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Scream Queens, an extremely hyped up show by the over-hyped and always present in television somehow, Ryan Murphy. Now here is a fair warning for this post, as I have taken to issuing warnings during my Scream posts:

Warning: If you love everything Ryan Murphy has put his dirty little fingers on, you will not be happy with this post in the slightest. But you know, some people enjoy indulging themselves in something that would potential kill them. For example, cigarettes, alcohol, Steven Moffat’s run of Doctor Who…

Ah, sorry, I got a bit carried away there. This isn’t going to bash Moffat’s run of Doctor Who. That would take far too much time and quite honestly, I don’t think I have the energy to write that much criticism in one blog.The amount of comments I have about that could fill an entire book.

Now, usually these posts would discuss interesting plot points or just poke upon the character’s behaviors, trying to figure out who the person is and what in the blue hell they’re doing in this show. I was going to make an attempt at doing this, I really was! Grace goes from sweet girl one moment, to having a demonic face for no apparent reason at all. Then there was the appropriately named Chanel…how very fetch.

I just…I couldn’t take this show for over an hour, and the premiere was two hours long. Not worth it in the slightest.

If you’ve watched other shows of Murphy’s such as Glee, Nip/Tuck, American Horror Story, The New Normal, then you realize he has the same character in just about every show.Vulture shows us these ten character types in all of his shows–proof that I’m not a bitter, disgruntled fan.

Well, I am a bitter disgruntled fan, but I have a reason to be.

The characters are a sampling of Murphy recycling his own work. It’s overdone to the point where it’s just a bit pathetic that he can’t seem to stop copying his own work, no matter what genre he’s doing!

Then there’s his writing. Racist commentary under the guise that show is clearly supposed to be ‘satire’. Please, it’s not satire when damn near every single line coming from the show is sexist, racist, any stereotype cranked up to maximum capacity. This isn’t the work of brilliance, it’s not social commentary, it’s lazy writing. It’s lazy writing when you can’t think of any sort of joke or line that’s not racist or absolutely cringe-worthy.

It’s not pushing people’s comfort zones for the sake of addressing the issue, it’s done because someone clearly has no idea what to say.

Hell, the house maid is referred to as  White Mammy. Keke Palmer’s character is called a “hood rat” and is playing a stereotypical Black Girl. But that’s okay! Every sorority needs that one token Black friend, no matter how they’re portrayed.

Oh wait, let’s not forget the two Black security guards who seem incapable of doing their own jobs, being regarded as useless by the lovely sorority girls.

It’s blatant racism under the guise of social commentary when it’s really just an incapability of producing original content.

Let’s not forget of course, his show is all over the place. It seems like it’s paying an homage to classic horror movies–but I don’t think so. I feel like Scream Queens is just a way of patting himself on the back for finding another route to bombard the masses with his trite garbage.

Is the show funny? Serious? An homage? What the hell is going on here? It’s all over the place and not in a good way. There’s an art to adding comedy to something that’s meant to be serious. Anything too outlandish during a serious scene just doesn’t work. You’re basically beating a dead horse here.

Now, it’s clearly not American Horror Story….but what is it exactly? Not being able to figure out what on earth you’re watching doesn’t make sense. The contrast between comedy and horror feels like a person desperately trying to become your friend by growing obsessed with everything you like. In summary, it’s trying way too hard to be something different.

For example: a serious discussion between Grace and whatever that creepy-but-not-creepy-yet-kind-of-creepy-but-maybe-he’s-noble-barista boy turns into a make out session in the blink of an eye. What?

There’s far too much crap going on during this two hour premiere that could have been slowly planted throughout the season. Yet of course, he throws in the cliffhanger at the end of the episode, knowing that he’s lost people’s attention with how frantic and all-over the place his show is. Spoiler alert, a character who everyone thought was dead actually isn’t dead!

A perfect way of getting people to come back, to know just what the hell is going on.

This was not worth my time, I should have watched The Muppets.

RAW: Great Day to Be Kane (9/21/15 Highlights)

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Post night of Champions! Some people retained, some were newly crowned champions, and some were dressed as a power ranger. All in all, it was a pretty okay night. Now we indulge ourselves in RAW, where said power ranger will gloat and probably refer to his opponent as a geriatric hot mess.

If we’re lucky.

Highlights

Roman and Bray engage in a flat out brawl.

No official match, just a good ol’ fashion fight? I can get behind this. Sometimes you just have to settle blood-feuds with fists flying in every direction and no regulations at all.

Kane’s in the best mood demonically imaginable

He’s so happy, with the biggest grin on his face! To be fair, if I had a big cup of coffee like that I’d also be happy.

Although, I’m fairly positive that we’re facing a bipolar Kane who’s only so very happy because his demonic side runs rampant at random intervals.

I’d love that.

Poor, distressed Seth Rollins.

He’s like an overworked college student. Panicking and freaking out in such a way that his parents are the only cure to easing his nerves. Granted, they are in fact making him partake in a match tonight against Cena, still, they managed to get him to stop babbling at a million words a minute.

…Now that I think of it, his parents are doing a horrible job.

Paige goes absolutely psycho.

Well she just lets everyone have it. She does bring up some good points though:this really isn’t a diva’s revolution when the only people getting attention are Nikki Bella, her hippie sister and the third wheel (as Paige so eloquently put it).

But oh hot damn was that a beautiful fit to have. Paige just went all out and it was magical.

Kane high fives Stephanie.

Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when the boss asks for you to give your mask back. Give her five. Good job.

Nattie tells it like it is.

You go Natalya. She puts Paige in her place–and rightfully so! The Queen has spoken, ladies, and it’s time to step aside and allow her to sharpshoot her way to her throne.

The New Day plea for Xavier Woods’ buttocks.

The Dudley Boyz really wrecked it.

Not like that! They wrecked it with a table.

….It doesn’t sound good either way, does it?

Triple H losing his patience with his son.

Are we sure he isn’t Demon Kane? Because he definitely just had a fit.

Kane dragging Seth to hell.

Okay it’s just a damn good day to be Kane now, isn’t it? Poor Seth, finally getting some back after all the hell he put Kane through.

…I guess now he’s in hell though.

Fine, we didn’t get Seth calling out Sting and referring to him as a geriatric loser. Maybe one day I’ll be able to witness this….one day.

Night of Champions: Quite Predictable–Internet Ruins All Surprises (9/20/15)

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Kickoff

The Ascension, Stardust vs. Neville, Lucha Dragons

Well this is an interesting set up! The Cosmic Wasteland versus the….uh, well, the other group that was randomly thrown together to make something entertaining. What?! It was a last minute thing, honestly, they needed something good for the kick off show. Why not put a bunch of nut jobs against a bunch of flippity-flippers? Right?

Winners: Stardust, The Ascension

Wow, the evil villains succeeded! Huh, probably should have had some better sidekicks with ya, Neville. Haven’t you read the comics? A hero is only as good as his sidekicks. Step up your game, man.

Night of Champions

Kevin Owens vs. Ryback

Intercontinental Championship

Well would ya look at that. We’ve got the man who is always begging for people to feed him; going against the man that certain members of Creative like to poke fun at about his weight! Well? You can’t have it both ways people. You can’t just have one man begging for more food and then make childish remarks about another man’s weight. It’s gotta go both ways! Someone should be telling Ryback not to eat so damn much if that’s how we’re going about this.

But, that’s not what’s important right now. What’s important is that the reason these two are having this match is all because Kevin Owens does not want to be a part of Ryback’s book club.

Winner: Kevin Owens is the new Intercontinental Champion

Congratulations to Kevin Owens! As for you, Ryback, did that book help you to retain that title? No. No it didn’t. Your book club is useless.

Dolph Ziggler  vs. Rusev

‘Stop Stealing My Girls’ match

That’s actually not the title of that match, but it should have been. This entire thing is pathetic and ridiculous. Yes, WWE is like a Spanish soap opera–with more violence. But this? This is a disgrace to the talented women involved in this match! Spewing words that they’re strong and independent meanwhile they dress exactly the way their boyfriends tell them to…yeah, that makes a ton of sense.

Eesh, who writes this crap?

Winner: Dolph Ziggler, with the help of a runaway pump.

Wow, I’m sure Lana’s sitting at home thoroughly proud of that win, Dolph. That, and the fact that her face is printed on the crotch of your pants. This is not PG at all.

The New Day vs. The Dudley Boyz

Tag Team Championships

Aw here we go. We’ve got Rufio as the substitute for Xavier Woods today and he looks like he’s ready to go. In one corner we have the men destined to defend all tables and mother nature’s greatest wooden creations. Meanwhile the Dudley Boyz are here to destroy and throw on some beautiful bronze belts.

….

…Bronze belts. Yeah, that’s a good championship metal. Bronze. Who the hell wears a bronze belt? People in third place. What are people in third place called?

Losers.

What a disgrace to the titles.

Winners: Dudley Boyz via Disqualification…so New Day retain their titles.

Who would have thought the team with three people would have cheated to make sure they retain? Man, I never would have guessed! At least they made it entertaining. Keep on saving tables you guys, stay wooden trombone boy.

Wait a minute. They brought out the tables. Never mind, screw these hippie nature loving posers.

Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella

Diva’s Championship

I don’t even want to have this match for the sheer fact that the internet will implode on itself. This already ended Monday night during RAW the same exact way it had ended for Paige. The only thing I can picture happening so far is more recycled garbage to make the Diva’s look like a complete and utter joke, as any Diva’s Revolution should look!

Although by some act of God or any unearthly deity, we may in fact get an original ending. That’ll be the day.

Winner: Charlotte wins by submission, making her the new Diva’s Champion.

Damn, Charlotte hit Nikki so hard, the former champion lost her damn bracelets. Now that’s how you win a match.

The Wyatt Family vs. Knock-Off Shield

Mystery Partner: Chris Jericho. Wait what?!

Gee, we’ve been waiting for this match for ages. A bunch of redneck swamp creatures against a big ass Samoan, his crazy friend that needs to be checked into an asylum, and their mystery partner. Now we all get to relive the Wyatt vs. Shield feud that never got the proper treatment it should have had when these families were actually originally together.Hell, half the time Roman and Dean don’t even know what they’re doing. Sometimes they enter together, sometimes they don’t–this entire thing is one hot mess ready to be put to sleep.

Good thing Chris Jericho made his entrance, otherwise that random dude that ran into the ring would have had to help Roman and Dean out tonight. I don’t think that scrawny little man could have taken Abigail’s kiss.

Winners: The Wyatt Family–via knocking Jericho the fuck out.

Man it’s tough to be Jericho. You return to WWE for a nice PPV and what happens? Nearly suffocated to death. Not a good day for him, clearly.

Seth Rollins vs. John Cena

United States Championship

Oh dear, someone regrets having two matches, as this will not be his only match for the night. It’s completely fine though, see, Seth’s wearing his white ranger outfit. That’s a damn good omen. Hell, this is like when Tommy returned in Power Rangers Dino Thunder. This only means good things can come from this. Now the question is, who will leave with a broken nose tonight?

Winner: John Cena wins the title–to literally no one’s surprise.

Wow. Who would guess that after losing, Cena would win? Gee, it’s not like they do that every single time John loses or anything…

Sting vs. Seth Rollins

Seth has a lot to do for this match. Not only does he need to somehow regain all his strength and energy from his US Championship match, but he needs to beat Sting to retain his title and hope Sheamus doesn’t cash in on him. If his good ol’ dad Triple H could beat Sting, then Seth really needs his A-game right now. Someone better get the mighty morpher, he’s gonna need that extra boost.

Winner: Seth Rollins retains the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Man, Seth’s lucky he nearly killed Sting by throwing him into the Spanish announce table.

Surprise Cash in!

Not really! Sheamus hinted that he’d cash in but…

His cash in is cut short when Demon Kane makes the grand entrance, mask and all! Nothing like the Big Red Monster to come back and choke slam a few people to send everyone home happy.

SmackDown: Respect the Hawk! RESPECT IT! (9/17/15 Highlights)

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So I’m sure everyone’s over the moon excited to see the ‘Bella-bration’ on SmackDown. Right? Plus ya know, RAW really wasn’t all that great in terms of building up to Night of Champions…so SmackDown has some pretty massive boots to fill.

Will they filled? …Eh….

Highlights

Sheamus throwing a tantrum over his appearance.

Dude, don’t be so insecure! As long as you like your new hawk, that’s all that matters. Even if, ya know, you do look kind of stupid.

Naomi pinned Paige for the win.

Yay! Finally Naomi wins something, it feels like it’s been centuries since that’s happened.

Big E’s sign has two sides.

“Wait 4 it…” on one side, and “#Booty” On the other. I love it.

The New Day’s entire promo was fantastic.

They just get better and better with age…weekly age. Or daily age, rather. Look, they’re amazing okay? I respect their love of tables! Mother Nature respects it too.

Cesaro’s reversal of the choke slam.

Good god almighty Big Show’s arm was a stripper pole….

Hmm, Nikki’s celebration seems awfully familiar…

Well, this is just downright pathetic and lazy.

Sheamus throws yet another tantrum in the middle of his match.

Of course it’s about his hair. Seth looks beyond amused listening to this. As for Roman and Dean? Ah, this is just pitiful to them.

So….what are the chances that the third partner for Roman and Dean, is Bray’s mom? Bray’s mom is obviously not amused in the slightest with her son’s cooky little cult and decides to discipline and humiliate him in front of the entire WWE Universe. Nothing like a harsh scolding from your mama as a way to lose a match? Right?

I kid. It’s a joke, I’ll go bow my head in shame now.

RAW: Season Premiere Flubber (9/14/15 Highlights)

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Man, what a suspenseful week we’ve suffered through. Lana’s injured, Dean Ambrose’s movie released, Paige and Alicia had a ‘bar brawl’, Jessie ‘The Body’ Ventura wants to run for president, and today has been dubbed #NaomiAppreciationDay.

Damn. What a rollercoaster ride of a lead up to Night of Champions.

Highlights

Stephanie and Triple H getting jiggy with New Day

I never thought I’d live to see the day. I…I guess it really is a New Day.

Xavier Woods being so concerned with Darren’s wellbeing.

“What happened to Darren!? What happened to you!?” All with a face of pure shock…actually, he resembled the most surprised emoji available. It was comedic, it was amazing, give this man everything in the world.

Xavier Woods plays the Pink Panther theme.

It’s only the beginning of RAW but already the night is amazing.

Triple H: Not twice, people gotta pay for that stuff.

Triple H! That is NOT the kind of dancing Stephanie wanted you to perform on live television, not at the season premiere!

….Wait, was it? That’s wildly inappropriate.

Paige versus Sasha.

Ugh, that match hurt. Not that it was bad, it was quick, but the suplex Paige hit Sasha with, the back of my head aches just seeing it.

Wyatts make themselves at home by tossing chairs out of the ring and turning off the lights.

Wow, that’s sweet. Very comforting. Telling the Miz he’s not safe? Icing on the cake! Such wonderfully considerate people.

The newest segment of RAW, WWE Book Club.

Man, WWE’s really expanding these days. Kevin Owens and Ryback discussing books, it’s the discussion of the century.

Charlotte tossing Nikki around with her thighs.

So…she was not kidding about that genetically superior thing. Hot damn.

…And that’s about it. RAW started out strong and entertaining but….eh is all I can say for the rest of it. Sting’s match turns into a tag match which, really, wow way to go on his first ever match on RAW right? Haha, awesome.

Absolutely can’t wait for SmackDown. I’ll be sure to have my chamomile for Night of Champions too, to help me fall asleep.

SmackDown: He’s Your Blood, So He’s My Blood (9/10/15 Highlights)

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Thursday night once again. A time for two minute rematches from Monday Night RAW, or something that has absolutely nothing to do with any current storylines and is simply a time filler. Or in most cases–a time for extremely long commercials and recaps!

Man, gotta love Thursdays.

Highlights

Cesaro mocking the Miz.

Now, who was better at mimicking the Miz as he took off his sunglasses? Damien Sandow has experience in doing so, but Cesaro did take on a more comedic route…I guess it all depends on if you like accuracy or comedy more.

Dean and Jimmy’s excitement for a match.

Let’s just imagine for a second that Dean had actually painted his face up like Jimmy Uso. Yes, let that soak in.

Now let us all feel bad for Roman, as it looks like he has to deal with two hyper active children.

Midway point of SmackDown was a match from RAW.

Really? The entire match? Is there a shortage of wrestlers to put on a show?

This is absolutely fantastic. This isn’t a positive highlight as I usually do. This is crap. Really? Really? Really WWE? Now I feel like the Miz…but seriously?!

Jimmy Uso is so excited to wrestle.

He’s like a firecracker in the ring! Popping and locking and having far too much fun beating the crap out of New Day.

“They all fall down.”

Leave it to Bray Wyatt to take a line from a children’s nursery rhyme and make it absolutely creepy and horrifying.

…Although if we consider the origin of this rhyme, it does have a gruesome start. Therefore he definitely used it appropriately.

You know what? Never mind. It’s disturbingly fitting for the occasion, and I’m far too invested into the creepy disturbing tactics of the Wyatt Family.

Everyone running Big Show out of the lumberjack match…

…and Kevin Owens is just leaning against the apron and looking like he’s trying to plan out what he has to get the next time he’s at Target. He’s so indifferent to all of the brawls happening at ringside, it’s amazing.

You know? SmackDown was going places until they ruined it halfway with a 15 minute RAW clip. Yes, I am still bitter about that, and I’m hoping this does not happen next week.