The Ascension, Stardust vs. Neville, Lucha Dragons
Well this is an interesting set up! The Cosmic Wasteland versus the….uh, well, the other group that was randomly thrown together to make something entertaining. What?! It was a last minute thing, honestly, they needed something good for the kick off show. Why not put a bunch of nut jobs against a bunch of flippity-flippers? Right?
Winners: Stardust, The Ascension
Wow, the evil villains succeeded! Huh, probably should have had some better sidekicks with ya, Neville. Haven’t you read the comics? A hero is only as good as his sidekicks. Step up your game, man.
Night of Champions
Kevin Owens vs. Ryback
Well would ya look at that. We’ve got the man who is always begging for people to feed him; going against the man that certain members of Creative like to poke fun at about his weight! Well? You can’t have it both ways people. You can’t just have one man begging for more food and then make childish remarks about another man’s weight. It’s gotta go both ways! Someone should be telling Ryback not to eat so damn much if that’s how we’re going about this.
But, that’s not what’s important right now. What’s important is that the reason these two are having this match is all because Kevin Owens does not want to be a part of Ryback’s book club.
Winner: Kevin Owens is the new Intercontinental Champion
Congratulations to Kevin Owens! As for you, Ryback, did that book help you to retain that title? No. No it didn’t. Your book club is useless.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev
‘Stop Stealing My Girls’ match
That’s actually not the title of that match, but it should have been. This entire thing is pathetic and ridiculous. Yes, WWE is like a Spanish soap opera–with more violence. But this? This is a disgrace to the talented women involved in this match! Spewing words that they’re strong and independent meanwhile they dress exactly the way their boyfriends tell them to…yeah, that makes a ton of sense.
Eesh, who writes this crap?
Winner: Dolph Ziggler, with the help of a runaway pump.
Wow, I’m sure Lana’s sitting at home thoroughly proud of that win, Dolph. That, and the fact that her face is printed on the crotch of your pants. This is not PG at all.
The New Day vs. The Dudley Boyz
Tag Team Championships
Aw here we go. We’ve got Rufio as the substitute for Xavier Woods today and he looks like he’s ready to go. In one corner we have the men destined to defend all tables and mother nature’s greatest wooden creations. Meanwhile the Dudley Boyz are here to destroy and throw on some beautiful bronze belts.
…Bronze belts. Yeah, that’s a good championship metal. Bronze. Who the hell wears a bronze belt? People in third place. What are people in third place called?
What a disgrace to the titles.
Winners: Dudley Boyz via Disqualification…so New Day retain their titles.
Who would have thought the team with three people would have cheated to make sure they retain? Man, I never would have guessed! At least they made it entertaining. Keep on saving tables you guys, stay wooden trombone boy.
Wait a minute. They brought out the tables. Never mind, screw these hippie nature loving posers.
Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella
I don’t even want to have this match for the sheer fact that the internet will implode on itself. This already ended Monday night during RAW the same exact way it had ended for Paige. The only thing I can picture happening so far is more recycled garbage to make the Diva’s look like a complete and utter joke, as any Diva’s Revolution should look!
Although by some act of God or any unearthly deity, we may in fact get an original ending. That’ll be the day.
Winner: Charlotte wins by submission, making her the new Diva’s Champion.
Damn, Charlotte hit Nikki so hard, the former champion lost her damn bracelets. Now that’s how you win a match.
The Wyatt Family vs. Knock-Off Shield
Mystery Partner: Chris Jericho. Wait what?!
Gee, we’ve been waiting for this match for ages. A bunch of redneck swamp creatures against a big ass Samoan, his crazy friend that needs to be checked into an asylum, and their mystery partner. Now we all get to relive the Wyatt vs. Shield feud that never got the proper treatment it should have had when these families were actually originally together.Hell, half the time Roman and Dean don’t even know what they’re doing. Sometimes they enter together, sometimes they don’t–this entire thing is one hot mess ready to be put to sleep.
Good thing Chris Jericho made his entrance, otherwise that random dude that ran into the ring would have had to help Roman and Dean out tonight. I don’t think that scrawny little man could have taken Abigail’s kiss.
Winners: The Wyatt Family–via knocking Jericho the fuck out.
Man it’s tough to be Jericho. You return to WWE for a nice PPV and what happens? Nearly suffocated to death. Not a good day for him, clearly.
Seth Rollins vs. John Cena
United States Championship
Oh dear, someone regrets having two matches, as this will not be his only match for the night. It’s completely fine though, see, Seth’s wearing his white ranger outfit. That’s a damn good omen. Hell, this is like when Tommy returned in Power Rangers Dino Thunder. This only means good things can come from this. Now the question is, who will leave with a broken nose tonight?
Winner: John Cena wins the title–to literally no one’s surprise.
Wow. Who would guess that after losing, Cena would win? Gee, it’s not like they do that every single time John loses or anything…
Sting vs. Seth Rollins
Seth has a lot to do for this match. Not only does he need to somehow regain all his strength and energy from his US Championship match, but he needs to beat Sting to retain his title and hope Sheamus doesn’t cash in on him. If his good ol’ dad Triple H could beat Sting, then Seth really needs his A-game right now. Someone better get the mighty morpher, he’s gonna need that extra boost.
Winner: Seth Rollins retains the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Man, Seth’s lucky he nearly killed Sting by throwing him into the Spanish announce table.
Surprise Cash in!
Not really! Sheamus hinted that he’d cash in but…
His cash in is cut short when Demon Kane makes the grand entrance, mask and all! Nothing like the Big Red Monster to come back and choke slam a few people to send everyone home happy.