How Tumblr Killed Wrestling

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Ah Tumblr, sacred Tumblr….sacred to hell, at least.

It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that Tumblr’s a dangerous place to be. There’s porn, bronies that destroy a children’s cartoon, random photography blogs #aesthetic, people who are far too PC (politically correct) to be allowed to interact with people as they are incredibly hostile and half of the time incorrect–and then you have the fandoms.

Fandoms are scary.

Fandoms should be a wonderful place for people of shared interests to congregate. To share their artwork, their stories, their opinions. Yet in every fandom there’s a small, volatile cluster…

It seems as though Tumblr has utterly bent the wrestling fandom over and shoved a kendo stick wrapped in barbed wire right up the ass. Tumblr and wrestling don’t go well together. In fact, I like to believe that Tumblr killed the wrestling fandom.

Well that’s unfair to say. Tumblr didn’t kill the wrestling fandom, the people within the fandom have ruined it.

For example, there’s no such thing as sharing an opinion or having a favorite. Is Nikki Bella your favorite? Well then ,prepare to go to war with Paige fans who will probably tell you to kill yourself at some point because how dare you not bow down to the “queen”? Hmm? Not saying that some Nikki Bella fans are perfect either. They have their share of hardcore methods of defense that should surely have some people pressing charges against them.

Oh, ya like Dean Ambrose do yah? Well then you better love Renee Young or else the death threats you’ll receive will make you shed tears at a rate you never knew you had. Oh, and Dean must be included in every single pay-per-view otherwise he’s getting buried! Before you know it he’ll get the Daniel Bryan treatment. Forever the Underdog to the universe (even when he isn’t)–everyone else is shunned for the glory of Ambrose.

No, that is not a good thing.

This fandom spouts hate and nonsense about anyone who isn’t their favorite. If their favorite isn’t in the title picture then they’re getting “jobbed” and clearly aren’t getting the proper treatment. Half the times, people don’t even understand what’s going on. Do they really understand what jobbing means?

Dean Ambrose is not a jobber if he’s headlined multiple PPV’s. You know who’s gotten the jobber treatment? Zack Ryder. Remember him? Anyone? The man who’s brought out and you automatically know he’s going to get crushed–that’s a jobber.

How can I forget Roman Reigns? It was okay to love him and find him to be amazing when he lost to Batista at the Royal Rumble of 2014. He was the underdog, the universe frowned upon his loss and thought it to be unfair. Yet once he gets the push the universe wanted for him, it’s suddenly the second coming of John Cena. Roman isn’t cool anymore, the new fad is to hate on him for getting treatment based on his worth ethic, in-ring ability, etc etc. Does that make sense to anyone? No? Glad I’m not the only one who finds it absurd to hate on Roman.

Sheesh, “I liked Roman before he became mainstream!” seems like an accurate statement for this.

Or let’s take a look at Alberto Del Rio’s return to WWE at Hell in a Cell! Some people aren’t too keen on his return given the circumstances he left over.

…Left over?

He did not leave the company. He was fired for standing up against a racist. That’s not leaving a company, and quite frankly I don’t blame the man for acting the way he did. Do people just not understand how racism feels?  Or are they choosing to glaze over the entire situation and instead just pretend it was Del Rio’s fault because they may not favor him as they do another individual?

Yes, WWE has its faults, there’s no surprise at all. But WWE can’t be blamed for everything. There’s a method to the madness, things happen for a reason. It’s formulaic and people who proclaim themselves as long-term die-hard fans should at least have some sense of this.

Instead Tumblr is used for people to vent about how their favorites are treated poorly, when in reality, about 70% of the time their favorites are simply in a FREAKING STORYLINE BECAUSE IT’S SCRIPTED ENTERTAINMENT THAT’S MEANT TO BE ENJOYED.

Whoa, excuse me, lost my cool there.

If your favorite has been featured in major feuds, headlines PPV’s, and is actually on television….you’re fine. There’s no need to tell fans of other superstars/divas to kill themselves. There’s no need to loosely throw around the term ‘jobber’ or ‘buried’–because most of the time they’re incredibly wrong and those terms are used in the wrong way.

In summary, Tumblr makes being a part of the wrestling community feel dangerous, hostile, and downright horrible.

Note: This does not apply to EVERYONE. It’s simply a generalized post based on observations. If you feel this applies to you, then that’s unfortunate, but this doesn’t target people in particular. It’s simply a generalization. 

Hell in a Cell: (10/25/15/)

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Oh boy! Hell in a Cell! The pay-per-view that was put together what seems to be by a couple of drunken monkeys! The underwhelming build-up, the repetition, the predictability…all a solid formula for WWE these days. Well, let’s see how the night goes, shall we?

Kickoff

Cesaro, Dolph Ziggler, Neville vs. King Barrett, Sheamus, Rusev

“Oh friend! Football friend! Friend!”

Sorry, that’s just a bit of Inbetweeners magic for ya, considering how Barrett seems to be wanting to create a new group of friends for himself lately. So we have the Celtic Warrior with devastating hair issues, Rusev the Whore, and King Barrett….a very social man these days. They’ll be going against the used up playboy Dolph Ziggler, Neville the token PPV high-flyer, and Cesaro…the forgotten one. You gotta love WWE booking logic, right?

Winners: Cesaro, Neville, and Dolph Ziggler….after Cesaro hammed it up, and it was great.

Hell in a Cell

U.S. Open Challenge

John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio!

Ah, once again John Cena makes history! This time it’s with an open challenge on a pay-per-view…against a mystery opponent no less! Well, now his opponent isn’t a mystery, but before he walked out to that ramp no one knew! The question now is…will Cena win? Or will he disappear until December or January with the title?

Did I scream a bit and flail like a child when Alberto Del Rio came out? Yes. Yes I did. In my defense, Zeb Colter came out first and I wanted to stab myself in the eyes if Jack Swagger decided to take the title…but this is Alberto Del Rio, and I’m very much okay with him taking the title.

Winner: Your new United States Champion, Alberto Del Rio! Buh-bye Cena.

Honestly….that match paled in comparison to every open challenge held on RAW.

Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns

Ah, the two cell virgins are going at it!

That phrasing sounds strange, doesn’t it?

These two both have a personal bone to pick with one another. Roman’s is obviously because Bray has taken to ruining his life since Money in the Bank. Bray…? Not sure, he just does what he pleases. Takes pictures of people’s children, cuts the eyes out of them, has his two side bitches beat people up for him…it’s just the way of Bray. So who wins between the psycho swamp thing and the man with a devastatingly bad temper?

Winner: Roman Reigns wins! Maybe now Bray can stop hoarding pictures of him and cutting the mouth out of them. That’s weird.

Tag Team Championship Match

The New Day vs. The Dudley Boyz

Save the tables versus get the tables! Either way, both teams clearly have issues with tables and other useful furniture of the sort. Unfortunately for the New Day, their musician and mouthpiece that never shuts up Xavier Woods has been put out of commission by those dastardly Dudley Boyz. Now that the mouthpiece is gone, can the Dudleyz get one over on New Day without the distraction of Mr. Woods?

Winners: The New Day. Looks like the trombone is the true lucky  charm.

Diva’s Championship

Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella

Thank god no one’s allowed at ringside. Hate to sit through them repeating the same type of finish for the hundredth time now. In this match we have Nikki, who has no idea whether or not she’s a good guy or a bad guy. At least Charlotte knows who she identifies as. All that’s left is to sit through the match and wait for the inevitable ‘we want Sasha’ chants.

Winner: Charlotte retains the championship, after she and Nikki nearly murdered each other.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Kane vs. Seth Rollins

There’s no way I should have to specify between Corporate Kane and Demon Kane. Kane is freaking Kane, damn it. We all know he’s simply playing mind games with Seth–the specifications are SO unnecessary, especially since either way you cut it “both” versions of Kane are screwed up in the head.

Really screwed up. Question is whose head is more screwed up? Seth’s? Because he’s still rocking the ratchet blonde patch? Oh, and he has this narcissistic, eccentric, spoiled rotten personality that would could rival Tony Stark? Or Kane…

I mean. Kane’s head damage is rather self-explanatory.

Winner: Seth Rollins retains the title, and Kane looks like a pathetic old man getting beat up by  the kid bully of the neighborhood.

Intercontinental Championship

Kevin Owens vs. Ryback

Ah, well this is a real treat. The happiest man in the WWE with all his self-help books and positivity bullshit. He’ll be going against Kevin Owens–the ever so charming bully that has no problem beating someone into a pulp. Good times to be had by all, yeah?

Fine, maybe not for Ryback. It’s a bad night to be him.

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the title after a match that will surely lead to Ryback finding more self-help books.

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Oh dear. How many times have these two gone at it?

I have no clue, I can’t count that high….but I just hope this is the last of it. It feels like every match with Brock is Taker’s last, because Brock is just so stiff, and well, flat out murderous too. This is just so exhausting! We get it, Brock beat the streak and Taker’s mad.

Just finish it!

We all know Brock will bleed all too quickly. Taker’s going to look like he’s tired for the rest of the match after the first five minutes go by…we know how it goes these days.

Winner: Brock Lesnar, ruining the lives of long-time fans everywhere. Proof that the streak’s end can never actually be redeemed.

Bonus Bit: The Wyatt Family decides to make their grand entrance once again and congratulate him on a job well done. By beating him savagely and kidnapping the man who used to kidnap everyone!

This pay-per-view was brought to you by WWE and Vince McMahon himself, a solid ‘fuck you’ to viewers everywhere. 

Daredevil Episode 2: Matt’s a Fluffy Little Lumpkin

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I hate when I find a half dead man in my dumpster.

All I want to do is take out the trash so a colony of rats in cahoots with roaches don’t consume my apartment. All I want to do is keep the place clean, not meet strange men….okay well not meet strange men who dwell in trash cans. That’s just smelly.

Get it together, Murdock! You’re traumatizing the neighborhood!

Murdocks drink from a young age.

Only for particular circumstances, though. They’ll only drink if they’re just a wee lad who needs to stitch their father up after getting his ass handed to him on a platter in the boxing ring.

Honestly, poor Matt has grown up far too fast and far too quickly. He’s a tiny little human looking after his dad. What little human with hands that tiny is stitching the wounds of a grown man?!

Okay, it’s Matt, but he shouldn’t be!

Especially not after drinking scotch. I don’t think that’s going to actually help the tiny thing. I’d imagine it’s like drunken driving…except he’s driving a needle all over his dad’s face.

Eesh, that’d be a sight. Maybe when he’s blind–do you think he still stitched him up while blind? I’d love to see that.

Foggy’s an awkward little snowflake.

A precious human, taking such good care of his employees. Honestly, Karen’s lucky to have a boss that sings like he belongs on Broadway or get so drunk that little old women want to violently murder him and his big mouth.

Still, though, quite the charming fellow. For someone who’s self proclaimed as being so awkward, he has a smooth way of flirting with women. It’s uh…a little different, but it seems to be working!

Claire’s 1000% done with Matt’s crap.

She hasn’t even known the man for a full day yet. Not even a full night! In the span of a few hours it’s unclear of who wants to murder Matt more–the Russians, or Claire?

Can’t really blame her though. He’s secretive, gets blood all over her house, has a god awful costume….it’s just so disappointing on Matt’s behalf.

Although, she and Matt make quite the duo of torture specialists. What with her medical knowledge and his ability to drive sharp instruments into people’s squishy, delicate bodies–it’s a match made in heaven!

Sick, twisted heaven.

Matt’s a Fluffy Little Lumpkin

The episode is full of little moments of Matt being a precious little flower. From fixing his father’s busted face, to encouraging him to do what he knew was right. Even uh…even if it resulted in him dying. Then Matt works with every fiber of his half-dead being to save a kidnapped little being and get him home to his father.

Matt Murdock is too pure for this world, but apparently he’s the hero New York needs considering how horrible of a place it is. Human trafficking, the mob….such horrors.

Daredevil Episode 1: Just Getting Started

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In the spirit  of Jessica Jones premiering on Netflix November 20th, it seemed like a fantastic idea to finally watch Daredevil and write about it in the only manner I knew.

Sarcastically, and full of absurd remarks.

Let us begin!

Not for the faint of heart at all.

With a warning like that for just the first episode, you can tell it’s going to be a promising season. What with its bone crunching, and its angst, and the dark filter over most of the show giving it this gritty tone… it’s lovely.

Anytime you start a show with a kid losing his sight in a heartbreaking way, you know you’re in for a good time.

On that note, fucking old people and their neediness to be saved.

“Be careful of the Murdock boys. They got the devil in them.”

Should you be revealing your identity and family history in confessional? Even to a priest? I mean…that just seems counter productive to the whole secret identity because you’re a superhero sort of thing.

I get it. He’s holy, yada yada, religious stuff, you think you can trust them. There’s a slew of investigative reports that would say otherwise against trusting the good ol’ father but Matthew’s over the age of twelve, so he’s fine.

Gotta love Foggy.

The man supplies the mother of an officer of the law with cigars. The man is a gift to humanity. So what if he handed her the equivalent of seventy sticks of cancer (that’s an estimate I’m not a mathematician), he’s actually very considerate!

You can’t help to feel a little bad for him though. His friend and partner in law somehow manages to get every single beautiful woman they make eye contact with to fall for him! Matt can’t even make eye contact, and he still gets women!

It’s a tough day to be Foggy…or life…whatever.

Murdock has nifty not-spider-senses.

The man is a human lie detector thanks to his superhuman four senses, and it’s actually quite helpful. How convenient is that? You don’t need a fancy schamncy lie detector machine to figure out the truth, just a blind guY!

Not any blind guy though, don’t try this at home kids.

“The incident.”

Ah, subtle references to the events of the first Avengers film. No one calls it the Chitauri invasion apparently, but rather,  the incident. How vague and ominous, considering how many incidents there are nowadays in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

This is like their own version of Voldemort, or hell, Beetlejuice! Careful, if you say the incident three times in a row, a SHIELD agent appears and ruins your life forever.

Gotta love the girl who lies through her teeth.

Honestly, Karen. Lying about having the file and sneaking out in the middle of the night? After all of the elaborate scheming done to make sure you didn’t talk, did you really think no one would be watching the place so they could take the files for you?

Sure, call her a hero for willing to get herself killed so no one else would die. In reality, this was just poor planning on her part!

I can’t wait for more Daredevil, where Foggy will surely be baffled by Matt’s ways of having sex with all the beautiful women, and Foggy will continue to add his own special brand of humor.