Survivor Series: Results and Charming Commentary (11/22/15)

Standard

Good grief. What a year 2015 has been. We’re nearing the final stretch as we hit another PPV–Survivor Series. One that’s riddled with bad luck and disappointment. Seth Rollins is out on injury leading to him vacating the title and what would have been a great fight against Roman Reigns. Word is Cesaro’s now out on injury, and the 5v5 classic Survivor Series match is going to be full of a bunch of mystery people.

…Seriously…this…this is tragic.

Highlights

Kudos to the WWE Network not working at all for the Kick-Off show. I mean. It’s not like some of us try to get their foot in the door by writing about the PPV’s or anything. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha…it does give me good ranting material though.

Now on to the actual show…

Kick Off

Traditional 5 vs 5 Tag Team Elimination Match…

The Miz, Bo Dallas, Stardust, The Ascension vs. The Dudley Boyz, Neville, Titus O’Neil 

Are you kidding me? The traditional match, the icon of the Survivor Series is on the Pre-Show? You know what? This is the kind of illogical crap that happens when a bunch of idiots are writing the show. I would have said apes, but apes are actually quite smart and that’s rather insulting to them for me to compare the writing team to such beautiful creatures.

Way to ruin Survivor Series in under half an hour.

Winners (though I’m not sure there’s actually any winners at all in this circumstance): The Dudley Boyz, Titus O’ Neil, and Goldust are the sole survivors.

Survivor Series

Roman Reigns vs. Alberto Del Rio

Semi-Final tournament match

Ah, the match for all the supposed ‘smarks’ to boo because they think they’re so damn cool and know exactly what the business needs.

Well, regardless of that we have Roman Reigns. The man denied the title so many times because of the internet that it’s actually downright absurd. Now he’s going against Alberto Del Rio just for an opportunity to get a match for the WWE WHC. Can Roman take down MexAmerica and make it a stomping ground for the Roman Empire? Or is Zeb Colter some odd, motorized good luck charm for Del Rio?

Winner: Roman Reigns makes it to the finals…though I think Alberto destroyed half of his body.

Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens

Semi-Final Tournament Match

This should be interesting! Dean Ambrose will go against the man he’s defeated several times before. All so he can move on to fight his best friend for the title. The very title their former best friend and brother held once. Who will take it away? Kevin Owens? With all of his shit-talking glory? Or will it be Dean and all of his um…quirky glory.

Winner: Dean Ambrose moves on to fight his best friend and brother Roman Reigns in the finals. Oh dear.

Ryback, Lucha Dragons, The Usos vs. The New Day, Sheamus, King Barrett

Traditional 5 vs 5 elimination tag team match….again

Er. So. This is interesting. Did they spontaneously decide that it wasn’t a dynamite idea to have the traditional match in the pre-show or…? I mean. This is an interesting concept.

A couple of unicorns, a rejected Celtic Warrior, a King worthy of a toothpick throne against a man with a devastating food obsession, a pair of dragons, and a couple of flying humans with sick dance moves. This is going to be one hell of a night. Especially considering that Sheamus made the mistake of declaring that they’d get jiggy with it. He’s officially been shunned, poor guy.

Winners: Ryback, Kalisto, Jey Uso are the sole survivors. Poor Sheamus was left alone because he used ‘jiggy’ in the year 2015. Shame.

Paige vs. Charlotte

Diva’s Championship Match

Ah…the match people have been waiting for since Monday night when Paige dropped such an awful remark that WWE couldn’t even take responsibility for it. Paige and Charlotte certainly have issues that are extremely personal and run very, very deep….as of Monday, at least. Ah, the joys of trying to add a fire to a match.

Winner: Charlotte retains the title by submission. How appropriate for the members of the former submission sorority.

Tyler Breeze vs. Dolph Ziggler

So this will be two arrogant, absorbed people fighting each other. Basically, it’s as though they’re fighting a mirror image of themselves. Except…one enjoys classic rock and while the other is all about fur and selfies. Okay, different interests, yet same person at the very core of their beings.

They even have the same taste in women!

Winner:  Tyler Breeze beat himself!

Kane, Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper

Ah, the Brothers of Destruction vs the Cult of the Swamp Creature. You know what I don’t get? Bray has their powers–but then he kind of doesn’t? I…what? I don’t know. The power thing has got me all sorts of confuzzled. But, a bunch of giant men lumbering around and tossing each other like used up paper towels should be fun! I’ll honestly be surprised if the Wyatts win considering the two mythical beings they’re up against.

Hey. Technically this is a family vs. family match…and we’ve all seen how that ended.

Winner: Undertaker and Kane, duh!

Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Now this is going to be an emotional match. Brother versus brother. The two that are apparently destined for a ‘heel turn’ and have been for who knows how long at this point. All I know is, no matter the outcome of this match: the internet is going to break and implode. Oh, and they will riot and probably assault the WWE with words and demanding something totally different.

Winner: Roman Reigns is your new WWE WHC!

Just KIDDING It’s SHEAMUS with a successful cash in!

God damn it.

Parting Words: Let us all keep in mind what the theme of Survivor Series this year is.

Brothers.

We have Kane and Undertaker, Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, plus Stardust and Goldust. Ain’t nothing quite like families picking fights. Whether it’s together or against each other.

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