We’re back once again, another month, another PPV. This time however the build up has just felt so mediocre that the desire to even watch the program has fell dramatically. The only thing redeeming it at this point is not the nostalgia factor of The Dudley Boyz, Tommy Dreamer, and Rhyno in a tag team. It’s definitely not….
Okay, I’ve got nothing else. Right now the Network isn’t working in the slightest AGAIN. Really. What am I paying for?
The only thing actually redeeming this the fact that the kick off match is Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch. You know, if the Network ever works.
Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch
A former main event turned pre-show match. Sure, we can complain that this is terrible booking or something like that. I think the more important thing to look at is that we know we’re getting one hell of a match, and that they even have a match at all is fantastic!
Winner: Sasha Banks, and what a fun match.
Triple Threat Ladder match for the WWE Tag Team Championship
The Usos vs. The Lucha Dragons vs. The New Day
It’s the world famous two-time champs tonight, feeling the power against their opponents. The high-flying Lucha Dragons and the high-flying Usos. I sense things are about to get pretty high in here…
That joke would have been better if they were in Colorado. If only. Any who. We’ve seen….some stuff between the three of these groups. So far all I’ve gotten thanks to WWE’s epic story building skills was that two teams want the title that one already has. Dynamite.
Kalisto is the MVP, with that beautiful salida del sol off of the ladder.
Winner: The New Day retains, thanks to a trombone and a good unicorn.
Ryback vs. Rusev
It’s the R&R connection!
Ryback, who….no one is sure exactly why this came about, but now he’s stuck here and he’s going to have to suffer and pay for whatever it is he did. Some comment about Lana, probably. Rusev is now suddenly very over protective of her. Which is admirable for a man once portrayed as an abusive and downright awful boyfriend. But hey, you know, whatever, things happen I suppose, right?
Winner: Rusev. Duh.
Chairs match for United States Championship
Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger
Ah, the battle that has made Jack Swagger relevant again. Why? we’re not exactly sure. Some sources speculate that he’s quite jealous his grandfather Zeb Colter abandoned him for a newer grandson. Some blame it on Zeb’s odd addiction to Grindr and realizing new loves and passions. Some just think this whole storyline is a confusing load of a crap.
Regardless of that, the question is will Del Rio keep his title after earning it during a so-so match with John Cena?
Winner: Alberto Del Rio retains.
Eight Man Tag-Team Elimination Tables Match
Rhyno, Tommy Dreamer, The Dudley Boyz vs. The Wyatt Family
Oh dear. Alright, on one side we have the good ol’ factors of nostalgia. The legends of ECW, the hardcore champions, the most brutal of them all….against the Wyatt Family. A group of people that move as one disturbing swamp entity, bounded together by their cultist leader Bray Wyatt. Who can win this? Do they even have tables at a swamp? Have the Wyatts even seen one of these before?
I’m not quite sure, but I do know one thing. They definitely have a lantern. Just one lantern. One singular lantern that emits smoke and definitely seems like a health hazard.
Right, I lost track of where this was going. I get distracted by making fun of the Wyatt Family. Honestly it’s quite terrible.
Winner: The Wyatt Family…I guess they do have tables in the swamp.
Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens
You know what’s unfortunate? I think this is the first time Kevin has actually spoken during this entire feud. These two talkers are going head to head physically because they haven’t done it verbally, that’s for sure. In addition to that, it’s just a regular ol’ title match. A missed opportunity to have some serious carnage between Owens and Ambrose. Ah, maybe someday this feud will be great.
You know what? Even with a crappy build up, at least you know the two of them will put on one hell of a fantastic match.
Winner: Dean Ambrose, your new Intercontinental Champion!
Diva’s Title Match
Charlotte vs. Paige
This is some special type of confusion, I’ll tell ya that. Who’s a heel and who’s a face? NO ONE KNOWS! It started with Charlotte being the face and that was quite obvious. Now Charlotte has completed the metamorphosis of becoming her father, and now she’s heel supreme….while Paige is heel supreme too because…yes? I–I just don’t know. Alright, so we have two heels going against each other! Right….who do we cheer?!
Not the usual recipe, but it’s a good match
Winner: Charlotte retains with a little help from her pops.
TLC Match for the WWE World Heavy
Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus
Sheamus 5:15 says “respect the hawk” as well as “Are you not entertained?!” and “FAUGH A BALLAGH” or something like that. Well, Sheamus feels mighty proud of himself for getting the belt from a man who had two matches in one night for it. Then we have Roman who can’t catch a damn break with this thing. Every time he’s near the belt or even touches it, it gets violently yanked out of his hands. Honestly, this is just a curse for him.
So who will win? The leader of the League of Nations, or the patriarch of The Family?
Winner: Sheamus retains his title, and now I have to go bury my head in the sand.
There is possibly an incoming rant about the amount of hate Roman gets just because the big guy of the WWE likes him. I’ll save it for another day though, now’s not the time. Just like it wasn’t the time to chant “we want Cena”, or you know, “We Miss Rollins.”
Surprise Ending: Roman Reigns loses his damn mind.
Can you blame the man? He’s been screwed out of every single title match. So what if he picks up a steel chair and proceeds to beat three men to the brink of death? I think it’s a very valid response.
Triple H unbuttoning his shirt and taking his tie off isn’t a valid response, but I think he’s feeling hot and bothered by Roman’s rage.
Roman thankfully had the right idea: beat Triple H with a chair while Stephanie screamed in devastation and watched as her husband was destroyed by a very, very angry young man. For several minutes Roman absolutely destroyed Triple H’s entire being.
…and it was pretty freaking great.