Ah the Royal Rumble. An event where even though it’s usually a one-versus-all type scenario, has been explicitly stated to be one-versus-all this time around. Why? Well simply put: because Roman Reigns will be defending his WWE World Heavyweight Championship against 29 other contenders. Some say nay, the thought of booing Roman out of yet another rumble making their special parts tingle with glee. Others cheer the thought of Roman showcasing having such a hard time in order to prove to others why he’s the one holding that belt, finding themselves in love with such an uphill battle. And for some? Well, some just want to watch the world burn. Or see who gets eliminated in under a second this time around.
Mark Henry, Jack Swagger vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Damien Sandow, Darren Young vs. The Ascension
Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Match
Winning team qualifies for the Royal Rumble, how sweet.
I know what you’re thinking. Golly gee this is an odd match up. There’s one actual tag team, another tag team that’s been made a mockery of, and two groups of mis-matched confusion. Yes, yes I concur with all of your thoughts. That my dear readers is what happens when you have nothing planned for any of them. So who will win? The seasoned tag team veterans? Henry and Swagger who….I mean…they’re big guys! Or will it be Young and Sandow? Perhaps it might be The Ascension, a team whom I completely forgot were in the match up, my apologies.
Winner: Mark Henry and Jack Swagger
Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens
Last Man Standing Match for the Intercontinental Championship
Quite frankly this match is a little bit concerning. You have Kevin Owens, the petulant child who will stop at nothing to get his title back. He’s brutal, and doesn’t give a damn what he does to his opponent. Then there’s our champion Dean Ambrose. This man has an outstanding lack of self-preservation skills that certainly warrant a few special psychotherapy visits. Someone’s going to be left in shambles tonight, and how they’ll make it into the rumble at all is beyond me.
Winner: Dean Ambrose retains the title!
The Usos vs. The New Day
Tag Team Championship Match
You know, I’m not quite sure how New Day can carry on tonight. They’re suffering a great loss considering the brutal murder of Francesca by Chris Jericho. Perhaps they’ll debut her twin brother Francisco… but still! This is a very hard time for them and the Usos should be considerate of their loss! Well, the Usos who somehow got the Slammy award for Tag Team of the year are going to fight for those titles and perhaps actually be tag team champions. Will the Unicorn Squad take this one for Francesca? Or will the Usos take advantage of the pain of loss?
Just kidding, they’ve got Francesca 2!
Winner: The New Day retain their titles!
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto
For the United States Championship
This is absolute a David vs Goliath and his misfit friends story. Kalisto makes you want to root for him. He’s the total underdog here, the little engine that could! He wins the title and then what happens? On SmackDown he loses his title because Del Rio cheated, letting him take that title right back. Vengeance must be had! Yet can Kalisto overcome the bully?
Winner: Kalisto gets his title back!
Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte
Diva’s Championship Match
This is going to be a match to tug at the heartstrings. Charlotte and Becky were best friends! They came up to the main roster together! They were in the not-really-a-revolution Diva’s revolution! Yet now Charlotte has turned her back on Charlotte, becoming more and more like her treacherous father. Becky’s been hurt, backstabbed by those she called family. Now it’s her time to enact sweet, sweet revenge.
Winner: Charlotte retains the title!
SURPRISE: Sasha Banks, the Boss makes her way to the ring after Charlotte’s win. Once the rings are properly disposed off, down goes Becky and later, Charlotte too finds her demise.
30 Man Royal Rumble
For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Oh dear. Well, like I said before. The one-versus-all match is really one-versus-all. It was reinforced, so now it’s really important and driving the point home. So what twists and turns and surprise entrants lie ahead?
Here’s the fellows that matter!
1) Roman Reigns
I’m sure Roman is so thankful to be in the number one spot.
Pft, this will be easy.
3) Aj Styles
Introducing the phenomenal one….oh boy, this crowd will not have Roman winning after that. He’s so calm and collected he’s just walking down there. No stress at all.
6) Chris Jericho
Because he’s a damn legend. Damn it.
Because he’s also a legend, and I love him.
He’s the bizarre one, how can I not?
Why is this special? Because he put a damn ladder in the middle of the ring and reached up for the championship. Who told him this was a ladder match?!
Big E catches Kofi from being eliminated and has his unicorn brother sit on his shoulders to save him. Wow. Amazing, at least this gives him time to have a drink with the fans. Cola is so refreshing.
Vince McMahon has the League of Nations come out to pull Roman to the apron and brutalize him. Well that’s not nice, also fairly certain that’s cheating. Though it is sweet revenge for Rusev.
18) Kevin Owens
I feel like I need to give him credit for limping to the ring and going after Aj Styles right off the bat and eliminating him.
19) Dean Ambrose
At least he had an easier time walking to the ring.
20) Sami Zayn
Kevin Owens is NOT having a good night. Plus he gets eliminated by Sami? Oh dear.
22) Mark Henry
You earned it man who may retire soon. You earned it.
23) Brock Lesnar
…Eh. We all know the entire stadium wants him to win just so Roman doesn’t.
25) The Miz
Why is this notable? Because he went to hang out with the announcers in Mizney World. It’s a valid strategy, it keeps him alive longer!
26) Bray Wyatt
Bray very wisely had his minions stay around the ring, so that when he entered they could hold Brock for him. Such a good strategy! Especially since it actually worked to eliminate Brock. Huh, I’m shocked.
Reigns rejoins the rumble in the middle of Sheamus’ entrance.
30) Triple H
This pleases me greatly. Time for some sweet revenge. Me thinks Triple H did not like getting beaten senseless in front of his wife. These two are livid, having a showdown with one another where each is attacked and yet they dispose of them quickly with their finishers.
Triple H eliminates Roman Reigns, leaving him alone with Dean Ambrose
Winner: Triple H wins the Royal Rumble and is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion
Well, I’m sure Vince is pleased his son-in-law is the new winner! Stephanie sure is over the moon elated. Alas, I don’t think Roman is pleased. Plus Dean was so close to winning….RAW is going to be interesting for sure.