Good grief, it’s that time of year again! It’s time for the pay-per-view between the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania. What was once the great Elimination Chamber PPV has now been devastatingly downgraded to Fastlane. To top it off, this year it feels as though roughly half of this PPV was thrown together at the last possible second out of desperation. Is that a recipe for success? Eh, we’ll see. To be honest, it’s not exactly necessary. They can sort of get away with half-assing Fastlane, because the results and Monday Night RAW begin the real build up for Wrestlemania.
Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio
There’s a 90% chance I repeat exactly what I said for the Royal Rumble. Why? Because I very responsibly decided not to go back and check to see what I said. Now, the back and forth between these two has been kind of exciting! I can’t remember who has the belt at this point, but I do know that Del Rio has some precious friends to serve as back up. So, who shall win? The endearing Kalisto, or the dirtbag Del Rio?!
United States Championship, 2/3 falls.
Winner: Kalisto retains the US Championship
Sasha Banks, Becky Lynch vs. Naomi, Tamina
My oh my, this is going to be dramatic. The scorned remnants of Team B.A.D. Tamina and Naomi are up against their former partner (leader, let’s be honest) and her kind of friend Becky Lynch. Becky’s the precious one that’s been wronged by all of her friends but she’s left to trust her partner Sasha, who really hasn’t been too kind to her as of late.Can the unlikely partners defeat the actual team, or will their distrust of each other lead to their downfall?
Winner: Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch win by submission
Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler
Oh boy oh boy oh boy here we go. Kevin Owens, actual toddler, finally has his shiny golden belt back! Dolph Ziggler, actual man-whore who believes he’s a rockstar, does not have the belt. To be frank, he probably has more of a claim over that belt than Kevin considering how many times he’s held it. Yet…he’s more of an adult about it! Well in comparison at least. Now Dolph somehow always holds the title, but Kevin is extremely stubborn…so who will win?
Winner: Kevin Owens retails the championship
Kane, Big Show, Ryback vs. The Wyatt Family
Honestly what can I even say about this match? The Wyatt Family has destroyed each of these people individually, and they’ll destroy them in a team. I can’t even joke about this! They’re all just thrown together because there was nothing planned at all! To top it all off, Kane has gone from the Big Red Machine to the Big Red Joke. That’s no way to live!
Winners: Big Show, Kane, Ryback–to EVERYONE’S surprise.
Charlotte vs. Brie Bella
See this is charming. Out of nowhere Brie’s suddenly in the title picture. Charlotte of course has welcomed her by talking about her injured husband and telling Brie to go home and make some goat faced vegan babies. Delicious. After those two spoke for what felt like 2 hours, we finally get this match up where Brie will do everything in her power to emulate her husband.
Winner: Charlotte retains the championship
AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho
Chris Jericho is doing the honors of welcoming AJ Styles to the WWE. Jericho’s been there man, he’s wrestled around the world, and he’s certainly wrestled in Japan. He knows exactly how AJ feels going from one promotion to another, and sometimes you just need a friend to ease you into that transition. Really, Chris is just doing AJ a favor! Should he throw a tantrum upon losing, well…you know, that’s just a bonus! Depending on who you are, of course.
Winner: AJ Styles….but how is either man still alive after that match?
The Cutting Edge Peep Show
With the New Day
No words can describe the magic between these two teams. Really, I couldn’t do it justice, it’s must see tv.
Then it got to the point where you realized it was just a cheap plug for their new show and nothing extraordinary was happening, ah well. Still funny!
R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel
What in the blue hell? This quite literally came out of nowhere. Not sure why this happened, but uh….R-Truth was game! One man with three partners, he was willing to do it all by himself without asking for help. The man deserves some credit for that! Unfortunately for him, Goldust decided to come out and attempt to save the day. It didn’t work.
Winner: Curtis Axel
Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar
Triple Threat Match for the #1 Contendership to the WWE WHC
Oh boy. Okay, there’s far too much to say about this and too little coffee in the world for me to tackle the situation. So let’s just go about it this way. I forgot why Brock is even in the title match to begin with. Probably some storyline stuff that I forgot (I have lots of work to do, okay? Cut me some slack). Roman’s in because for some reason he doesn’t get a rematch clause. Dean is in because….Stephanie said so! Right? Yeah that sounds about right.
Any who, it’s the beast, against two brothers. Now, we’ve already had the brother’s relationship put to the test over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. BUT..will this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back?
Winner: Roman Reigns wins…obviously.
Bonus: Triple H enters and gives Roman a round of applause, how sweet!
Yeah nothing significant happened. This was a weird ending…I’m not too pleased.