WrestleMania 32: Highlights (4/3/16)

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Finally, WrestleMania is upon us! Already the bar has been set tremendously high from NXT Takeover: Dallas. Can the main roster follow their stellar performance? What oldies but goodies will we see return? Finally, what in the blue hell will the Rock be doing tonight?

Main Card

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship

Geez look how many people are listed for this fight. It’s exhausting just looking at it! Let’s see. We have ladders, contenders we haven’t seen in quite sometime, and the murder bear known as Kevin Owens. Can we say–brutal fight of the century? Almost! There’s several contenders on this card worthy of that title. Yet none of them have a murder bear, which really, every match needs one.

Winner: Zack Ryder–so well deserved. About time.

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

AJ Styles, the new hotness, the anticipated phenomenal one will be going against Chris Jericho. The man with the daddy kink. The ayatollah of rock and rollah. The really, really arrogant bastard that throws little fits when he loses or taunts someone and quite frankly–does it all incredibly well.

Winner: Chris Jericho, to everyone’s surprise.

The New Day vs. The League of Nations

The Unicorns against the extremely watered down United Nations. One team will eat cereal, dance, and play music all at once to showcase just how talented they are. The other will hug each other, refer to each other as friends, and even make a mention of going out together to get bevs and some cheeky Nandos. Who will prevail here? The men that start their day right with a great helping of booty, or the men that rely on each other for support and value their friendship more than anything else?

Winners: League of Nations wins.

But wait there’s more!

Enter Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Cactus Jack; in their gear and ready to destroy a couple of lads. The legends hit these lads with the mandible claw, sweet chin music, and a stone cold stunner. I no longer care what happens for the rest of the night. I am at bliss.

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar

No Holds Barred Street Fight

That’s concerning. A no holds barred street fight. With these two psychopaths? Does WWE even want these two to survive after the match is over? Perhaps they want these two men to kill each other, that way Triple H doesn’t have to worry about fighting either of them when it comes to his championship. A very valid strategy if I must say so myself.

Winner:  Brock Lesnar

Triple Threat for the WWE Women’s Championship

Three out of four horsewoman ain’t so bad, is it? It’s actually quite lovely. Although there’s technically a senior horsewoman here, as Ric Flair will be accompanying Charlotte to the ring. We all know that technically, this is Ric’s match as he is the true baddest Diva in the game. However, Charlotte is happy to fight for him. The boss herself Sasha Banks has made it very clear that she’s going to get what she wants. As for Becky, does she have anything to lose? Nope, both of her friends have turned their backs on her. This one is for pride, and to prove the doubters wrong that she is in fact main-roster material.

Winner: Charlotte obtains the new WWE Women’s Championship

Spray Tan O’ Mac vs. The Undertaker

Hell in a Cell

Now if Spray Tan wins, he gets control of RAW and the dead man must retire. Would that be so bad though? It would be healthy for the Undertaker, and as we all know WWE cares very deeply about the health status of their performers. Then again….at what costs? Shane is undoubtedly going to fly a helicopter in and jump off of that onto the Undertaker… Quite frankly, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to wear a poncho if you’re in the first few rows. That’s going to be a splash zone.

Winner: The Undertaker

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 

20 Humans in this Battle Royal

Goodness gracious. Okay, lots of humans here. Not quite as much as the royal rumble but enough to cause one to get a headache while watching it! Tonight’s special entrants: Diamond Dallas Page! Who knows, he might warrior pose his way to victory. We also have Tatanka, what a radical mongoose!

Extra Special Surprise Entrant: Shaquille O’Neal. He towers over everyone. Oh my.

Winner: Baron Corbin from NXT! Schweet

Obligatory segment for The Rock starts here!

Before taking two hours to get to the ring, he first sets a giant ‘Rock’ sign on fire. After the usual bit of hyping the crowd something spectacular happens, he announces Dallas broke the WWE attendance record. Yada yada, celebration stuff.

Bray Wyatt and his two remaining servants enter. Bray says some creepy stuff, Rock reminds him that he looks like a man that hits the bong, is the product of an incestuous relationship, and that Braun was breast fed since he was 26. A spontaneous match ensues where he defeats Rowan in six seconds.

John Cena enters next to help defend his bestie 4 lyfe, Rock. Talk about a surprise return! They beat up the swamp creatures and all is well with the universe.

Triple H vs. Roman Reigns

No DQ for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

I don’t know what happened between Fabio and Jason Mamoa for them to want to have a fight this brutal, but clearly their bad blood runs deep. So deep in fact that even Taylor Swift finds herself thinking ‘whoa, I could write a song about this’.

Winner: Roman Reigns is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion

That was WrestleMania 32! Next up we wait for RAW. Before that we must all try to be able to fall asleep after that adrenaline inducing event.

WrestleMania 32 Kickoff: Highlights (4/3/16)

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It is finally upon us! WrestleMania 32, where every single person in the world is watching for free at home. So, you better have a stress ball with you because you won’t be able to watch a clear stream of the event until the following day.

That being said, let’s enjoy the kick off show.

Kalisto vs. Ryback

For the United States Championship

Yet another case of David vs. Goliath. Except Kalisto is the endearing cinnamon roll that could and Ryback is the big bully that for no reason decided he wanted to eat the cinnamon roll in one bite. Not in that way, you dirty perverts. Ryback simply wants to crush him and eat a lot of food, because that’s his thing, I think. Kalisto on the other hand worked too damn hard to get his belt back. He will do everything he can to retain it, including death-defying tricks that we really hope don’t actually end in death or any sort of injury.

Winner: Kalisto retains the title

Brie Bella, Natalya, Alicia Fox, Paige, Eva Marie vs. Naomi, Tamina, Lana, Summer Rae, Emma 

I know what you must be thinking going into this. Wow, this is so strange! What a random match up! The cast of Total Divas going against former cast members or those that made guest appearances! What could possibly have brought this up? Fear not, for I have no idea and neither does anyone else. The important thing to remember is that these women are actually getting a match at WrestleMania, and that’s better than nothing.

Winners: Brie Bella takes the win for her team with a ‘yes lock’

The Usos vs. The Dudley Boyz

Clearly this match comes out of residual angst against Rikishi. Bubba Ray and Devon are no longer in a playful, joyous mood. Tables will not be used tonight, apparently. They’re over this whole ‘table’ trend that they’ve long been associated with. As for the Usos, well, we all know what they’re going to do. Dance battle just a little bit, fly around, and smash their butts into the faces of the Dudley Boyz. They might booty clap them all the way back to D-D-D-Dudleyville.

Winners: The Usos

After their win they get to put the Dudley Boyz through their own tables at the same exact time. Wonderful.

 

That’s the end of the kick off show. Next post will be the main card, the big kahuna, the creme de la creme, WrestleMania.