It is finally upon us! WrestleMania 32, where every single person in the world is watching for free at home. So, you better have a stress ball with you because you won’t be able to watch a clear stream of the event until the following day.
That being said, let’s enjoy the kick off show.
Kalisto vs. Ryback
For the United States Championship
Yet another case of David vs. Goliath. Except Kalisto is the endearing cinnamon roll that could and Ryback is the big bully that for no reason decided he wanted to eat the cinnamon roll in one bite. Not in that way, you dirty perverts. Ryback simply wants to crush him and eat a lot of food, because that’s his thing, I think. Kalisto on the other hand worked too damn hard to get his belt back. He will do everything he can to retain it, including death-defying tricks that we really hope don’t actually end in death or any sort of injury.
Winner: Kalisto retains the title
Brie Bella, Natalya, Alicia Fox, Paige, Eva Marie vs. Naomi, Tamina, Lana, Summer Rae, Emma
I know what you must be thinking going into this. Wow, this is so strange! What a random match up! The cast of Total Divas going against former cast members or those that made guest appearances! What could possibly have brought this up? Fear not, for I have no idea and neither does anyone else. The important thing to remember is that these women are actually getting a match at WrestleMania, and that’s better than nothing.
Winners: Brie Bella takes the win for her team with a ‘yes lock’
The Usos vs. The Dudley Boyz
Clearly this match comes out of residual angst against Rikishi. Bubba Ray and Devon are no longer in a playful, joyous mood. Tables will not be used tonight, apparently. They’re over this whole ‘table’ trend that they’ve long been associated with. As for the Usos, well, we all know what they’re going to do. Dance battle just a little bit, fly around, and smash their butts into the faces of the Dudley Boyz. They might booty clap them all the way back to D-D-D-Dudleyville.
Winners: The Usos
After their win they get to put the Dudley Boyz through their own tables at the same exact time. Wonderful.
That’s the end of the kick off show. Next post will be the main card, the big kahuna, the creme de la creme, WrestleMania.