Extreme Rules: 5/22/16 (Highlights)

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Does this really need an introduction? I mean…I don’t have nearly as much to talk smack about as I usually do. This has been quite enjoyable. Aw man, talking about professional wrestling isn’t fun unless I try really hard to make fun of it. Now I get why all those smarks talk about Roman so much.

Kick Off

Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin

No Disqualification

A no disqualification match could favor Dolph Ziggler! After all, compared to Corbin he’s quite the little guy. Sure, he won against Corbin at a previously PPV, but he just barely managed to pull that out.Corbin on the other hand has his size, his devastating anger issues on his side in addition to the no disqualification. Corbin may try to attempt to squash Ziggler like a bug. Which, would be super unfortunate. I can’t imagine how difficult pink hair and rocker studs are to get out from the sole of one’s boot.

Winner: Baron Corbin, thanks to a solid nutter butter (that’s a low blow for anyone that’s not hip to the lingo)

Extreme Rules

The Usos vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

The Usos, a part of the stable The Bloodline will be facing 2/3 of The Club. It’s amazing how feuds spread through the groups, isn’t it? It starts with one friend and suddenly all parties are trying to kill one another for the enjoyment of others.

The Usos simply don’t care what other people think of them anymore, they’re looking out for themselves and for their cousin Roman. They couldn’t care less about the crowd or whether or not they’re the good guys. They’re just trying to do what they can to not get murdered. As for Gallows and Anderson? Well they’re just here to fuck some shit up in WWE. Nice, I can get behind that.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. Side note: that finisher looks painful.

Rusev vs. Kalisto

For the United States Championship

Alright, I’m running out of material here. There’s only so many David and Goliath jokes I can make. What do you expect me to say here? Kalisto, while so small, is channeling the Hulk with his green and purple t-shirt? Or that Rusev sounds more American by the day and it would actually be fitting for him to have the belt at this point? Or perhaps that Lana must miss Ziggler considering she’s wearing outfits that she wore with him? Is she longing for him? Yes, maybe, I don’t know!

Winner: Rusev, and Kalisto’s spine definitely lost tonight.

The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains

For the Tag Team Championships

The New Day out to break a few hoes and plow them into the ground. As for the Vaudevillains, I’m sure they’d rather be home reading a boring thesaurus and lifting weights, but they have a few unicorns to take care of first.

Winners: The New Day, and that ain’t booty.

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. The Miz vs. Cesaro

For the Intercontinental Championship.

Basically, Sami and Kevin are going to murder each other in the ring with committing actual murderer. Possibly just reach the brink of death. Miz will undoubtedly rely on his wife’s impeccable timing to save his life. Cesaro is most likely going to uppercut them all as far away from New Jersey as possible.

Winner: The Miz! I expect more monologues to come from this.

Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho

Asylum Match

It’s kind of odd to find out what angers Dean. he’s not mad about Jericho screwing them over against the Wyatt family at Night of Champions. Yet when it comes to murdering his botanical best friend, Dean’s all ready to have a violent steel cage match. Interesting, yet noble and very selfless in his attempt to redeem his best friend Mitch. Meanwhile, Jericho’s ego is clouding his judgement, as he’s become a mass murderer of props. Yet when asked for comments, all he could say was “drink it in, man”.

Winner: Dean Ambrose, and the cleanup crew.

Natalya vs. Charlotte

Submission match for the Women’s Championship

Ah, finally, Ric Flair is banned from ringside. It’s about time daddy’s little girl stood on her own two feet before brutalizing her opponent and putting them in a figure four leg lock. Without Ric, that leaves the WWE Universe wondering–can Charlotte keep the belt without her father’s help? After all, Natalya’s a veteran! She’s been around for quite some time and the skills under her belt are vast.

Winner: Charlotte retains, and my heart dies.

Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles

Extreme Rules Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Well, this is going to be absolutely brutal. These two have issues, and there are not enough tissues in the world to help them. It’s safe to say they hate each other, and I’m not sure that the belt even matters. But rather, the more important part seems to be hurting the other in the process, and the belt is just a nice side order that comes with it.

As expected: Anderson, Gallows, and The Usos come down to ensure their team captains have the best chance of winning.

Winner: Roman Reigns retains with a mid-air spear. 

Bonus Surprise: Seth Rollins appears after Roman’s victory and hits him with the pedigree! Oh how I have missed you!

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Payback: Highlights (5/1/16)

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Holy crap, it’s May. Isn’t that insane? Feels like just yesterday it was WrestleMania and Brock Lesnar half-assed what could have been match of the year.

Ah, sweet memories.

Anywho… the buildup has been a little odd, hasn’t it? Shane has been running the program even though he lost to the Undertaker, so that’s peculiar and makes no sense, but okay! Ryback and Kalisto haven’t had much of a buildup at all, Bret Hart will be in Natalya’s corner tonight but he doesn’t want to be there. Man, is that a horrible start to May or a great start?

Kickoff Match

Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler

Bet you thought Kalisto and Ryback were going to be on the pre-show, right? Ha! Loser…

No it’s fine, me too. They changed it up on me last second and I write these things 5 minutes in advance. It’s really throwing me for a loop having to write it on the spot. Honestly, I feel frazzled. Regardless, Dolph’s kind of showing some desperation lately with his matches. He’s getting a little too anxious, losing his cool when he goes against Baron, signs of a man being fearful of loss rather than a man willing to do any and everything. Baron’s keeping his cool. As a lone wolf he doesn’t stress out–not until things go absolutely wrong at the end and he has to punish someone for his own wrongdoings. Ah, I love people.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Kalisto vs. Ryback

United States Championship

David versus Goliath part two, at least for these two. Was there ever a canon sequel for that story? If not, consider this now canon and part of the biblical universe. Why they’re fighting again, I’m not sure but perhaps there’s one viewer that actually knows this very well. Kalisto might get destroyed for real this time considering the giant sour cream and onion chip on Ryback’s shoulder. But….that little guy is feisty! Who knows what insane, death defying stunt he’ll pull.Plus, Ryback’s on the pre-show again. Maybe the rage will give him extra strength.

Winner:  Kalisto retains the championship, and surprisingly has good in-ring chemistry with Ryback.

Payback

Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. The Vaudevillains

#1 Contendership for the WWE Tag Team Titles

This is….this is absolutely magical. Smacktalker Skywalker and his own personal Chewbacca are going to take on the carnival rejects from that one, really, really grumpy town out in the middle of nowhere. This surely would have been a great match.

Unfortunately, Enzo hit the mad incredibly hard while attempting to slide out of the ring, and the match ended. As of this writing, Enzo has been diagnosed with a concussion and other tests have come out negative. Here’s hoping to a speedy and healthy recovery.

 Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

Best friends turned bitter rivals. Ah, I love the smell of two former friends beating the crap out of each other. It smells like personal, vengeance, and probably a bit of blood. Kevin Owens plays the perpetual victim, and everyone’s cheering for our precious Sami Zayn to knock some sense into him.

Winner: Kevin Owens kicks Sami Zayn into a new galaxy

The Miz vs. Cesaro

Intercontinental Championship

The Miz has really stepped his game in recent weeks, but you know what they say. Behind every man is a great, wonderful, powerful woman that’s really the one to make sure you get what you deserve and or want. Can Cesaro, the man that’s probably going to be cast for a WWE style Transporter knock off movie, take the belt from him? Well, one can certainly hope so!

Winner: The Miz retains both the title and a great relationship with his wife.

Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho

Do it for the potted plant, Ambrose.

It’s about time Ambrose got some revenge on Chris Jericho for screwing up his match with Roman against the Wyatt Family all those eons ago. C’mon, baby, it’s only right! Someone has to stop Jericho and his mad streak of terrorizing superstars. He’s already wearing scarves to highlight his madness, how far is Jericho going to go?!

Winner: Dean Ambrose! Now Jericho can sit in the corner shedding tears of blood.

Natalya vs. Charlotte

WWE Women’s Championship

Well this will be fun. Ric Flair is under investigation for possibly being drunk at an airport, and Bret Hart really doesn’t want to be there. So, the two men that aren’t even in the match are clearly having the time of their lives. As for the women, well, Charlotte’s been reigning supreme for quite some time. Yet this time around, perhaps it’s time for the real Queen Natalya’s reign to begin.

Winner: Charlotte retains after WWE recreates the Montreal Screwjob. Its successor will now be called the Chicago Screwjob.

#RAWDecision

You know who doesn’t care? The live audience in the arena. Then again, they don’t care about anything, they like hijacking the show.

The takeaway here is that Shane and Stephanie are both in charge of RAW.

Okay maybe another important takeaway here is that Vince said he wants blood to be shed. Okay, where’s his father of the year award? Time for Titus to pass it down to Vince.

Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles

WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

On this day in WWE history, smarks cried at the possibility of Roman Reigns beating AJ Styles. Why? No one knows. There’s one theory out there about wrestling fans becoming hipsters that go out of their way to detest home-grown wrestlers….but that individual harbors too much common sense to deal with said people. Said people don’t realize that even booing him still help. Any reaction is better than no reaction, that’s for sure.

As for AJ, the fans are going to be behind him for the most part. However, they may be so focused on hating Roman that they’ll forget to chant for AJ. Let’s not forget Anderson, Gallows, and the Usos who have clearly taken sides in this showdown. Will Styles’ old buddies return to help him, or are they secretly plotting against him?

Winner: AJ Styles wins by count out, BUT Roman Reigns retains the title.

Bonus Surprise: Shane McMahon has some words to say. Match restarts with no count outs.

Winner again: AJ Styles, because apparently a low-blow happened….but Reigns is still champion!

Bonus Surprise 2: Stephanie McMahon now has some words. The match restarts, no count out and now no disqualifications. Oh dear, that one upsmanship will get these two killed.

Winner for the 3rd time: Roman Reigns retains his championship.

My what a night full of incredible matches. All that’s left is the fallout to be encountered on RAW. The rematches that will take place, the set ups for Extreme Rules, and how Stephanie and Shane can possibly run the show together.