Does this really need an introduction? I mean…I don’t have nearly as much to talk smack about as I usually do. This has been quite enjoyable. Aw man, talking about professional wrestling isn’t fun unless I try really hard to make fun of it. Now I get why all those smarks talk about Roman so much.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin
A no disqualification match could favor Dolph Ziggler! After all, compared to Corbin he’s quite the little guy. Sure, he won against Corbin at a previously PPV, but he just barely managed to pull that out.Corbin on the other hand has his size, his devastating anger issues on his side in addition to the no disqualification. Corbin may try to attempt to squash Ziggler like a bug. Which, would be super unfortunate. I can’t imagine how difficult pink hair and rocker studs are to get out from the sole of one’s boot.
Winner: Baron Corbin, thanks to a solid nutter butter (that’s a low blow for anyone that’s not hip to the lingo)
The Usos vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson
The Usos, a part of the stable The Bloodline will be facing 2/3 of The Club. It’s amazing how feuds spread through the groups, isn’t it? It starts with one friend and suddenly all parties are trying to kill one another for the enjoyment of others.
The Usos simply don’t care what other people think of them anymore, they’re looking out for themselves and for their cousin Roman. They couldn’t care less about the crowd or whether or not they’re the good guys. They’re just trying to do what they can to not get murdered. As for Gallows and Anderson? Well they’re just here to fuck some shit up in WWE. Nice, I can get behind that.
Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. Side note: that finisher looks painful.
Rusev vs. Kalisto
For the United States Championship
Alright, I’m running out of material here. There’s only so many David and Goliath jokes I can make. What do you expect me to say here? Kalisto, while so small, is channeling the Hulk with his green and purple t-shirt? Or that Rusev sounds more American by the day and it would actually be fitting for him to have the belt at this point? Or perhaps that Lana must miss Ziggler considering she’s wearing outfits that she wore with him? Is she longing for him? Yes, maybe, I don’t know!
Winner: Rusev, and Kalisto’s spine definitely lost tonight.
The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains
For the Tag Team Championships
The New Day out to break a few hoes and plow them into the ground. As for the Vaudevillains, I’m sure they’d rather be home reading a boring thesaurus and lifting weights, but they have a few unicorns to take care of first.
Winners: The New Day, and that ain’t booty.
Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. The Miz vs. Cesaro
For the Intercontinental Championship.
Basically, Sami and Kevin are going to murder each other in the ring with committing actual murderer. Possibly just reach the brink of death. Miz will undoubtedly rely on his wife’s impeccable timing to save his life. Cesaro is most likely going to uppercut them all as far away from New Jersey as possible.
Winner: The Miz! I expect more monologues to come from this.
Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho
It’s kind of odd to find out what angers Dean. he’s not mad about Jericho screwing them over against the Wyatt family at Night of Champions. Yet when it comes to murdering his botanical best friend, Dean’s all ready to have a violent steel cage match. Interesting, yet noble and very selfless in his attempt to redeem his best friend Mitch. Meanwhile, Jericho’s ego is clouding his judgement, as he’s become a mass murderer of props. Yet when asked for comments, all he could say was “drink it in, man”.
Winner: Dean Ambrose, and the cleanup crew.
Natalya vs. Charlotte
Submission match for the Women’s Championship
Ah, finally, Ric Flair is banned from ringside. It’s about time daddy’s little girl stood on her own two feet before brutalizing her opponent and putting them in a figure four leg lock. Without Ric, that leaves the WWE Universe wondering–can Charlotte keep the belt without her father’s help? After all, Natalya’s a veteran! She’s been around for quite some time and the skills under her belt are vast.
Winner: Charlotte retains, and my heart dies.
Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles
Extreme Rules Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Well, this is going to be absolutely brutal. These two have issues, and there are not enough tissues in the world to help them. It’s safe to say they hate each other, and I’m not sure that the belt even matters. But rather, the more important part seems to be hurting the other in the process, and the belt is just a nice side order that comes with it.
As expected: Anderson, Gallows, and The Usos come down to ensure their team captains have the best chance of winning.
Winner: Roman Reigns retains with a mid-air spear.
Bonus Surprise: Seth Rollins appears after Roman’s victory and hits him with the pedigree! Oh how I have missed you!