Tonight is the night where a new man wins the briefcase to ruin the life and soul of the current WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
I can’t wait.
Golden Truth vs. Breezango
Well. This is something fun. The audience gets to watch a showdown of these two groups that seem very, very into each other, following a video package of Breezango. Coincidentally, that was also a little homoerotic. Who can possibly win? The happiest of best friends of Golden Truth, or the burnt to a crisp team of Breezango that oddly enough reminds me of Zoolander ?
Winner: Golden Truth
The Dudley Boyz vs. The Lucha Dragons
This is just one of those things where WWE suddenly decided to feed the little guys to the big nasty vets. Can the Lucha Dragons possibly beat the veteran tag team with all their dizzying tricks? Who knows.
Winner: The Lucha Dragons
Money in the Bank
Enzo & Cass vs. The Vaudevillians vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson vs. The New Day
Fatal 4-way for the WWE Tag Team Championship
The verbal assault is real with this match up. New Day and Enzo & Big Cass bring on the verbal smackdown ready to destroy the inner workings of their opponents. Anderson and Gallows bring on the pain, ready to obliterate everyone else. As for the Vaudevillians? Well, they’ll look handsomely vintage, of course.
Winner: The New Day retains!
Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler
Let’s be real here. These two are going to realize they’re not so different from one another. They’ll realize they have a lot in common and form a tag team by the name of: Metal & Muscles.
Winner: Baron Corbin
Charlotte, Dana Brooke vs. Becky Lynch, Natalya
Can I be honest for a second here? Hart & Fire is a great tag team name, I dig it, I can get behind it. Now it’s just a matter of Charlotte and her protege being able to overthrow these two. I suspect a double tap-out by the end of this match, courtesy of Natalya and Becky.
Winner: Charlotte and Dana Brooke; I was super wrong on that one.
Sheamus vs. Apollo Crews
Tonight we see Sheamus once again execute not only his disdain for those built smaller than him; but for the new era people as well. Me thinks someone is feeling old and in denial of his age. Well, now it’s time for Apollo to beat the old warrior right outta WWE.
Winner: Apollo Crews
AJ Styles vs. John Cena
It’s the titans of two companies, similar to Triple H and Sting. AJ Styles carried TNA, Cena for WWE. It’s exciting, match of the year already and it hasn’t even happened yet. It’s time to see who’s the better wrestler, who’s really the man on top.
Even if he doesn’t win, I still say AJ Styles.
Winner: AJ Styles, with some help from The Club
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Aw snap. Well, you know what you can expect from this match? Someone is definitely going to bleed. We’re going to get some great lines out of Kevin Owens and hopefully Jericho. We’ll have amazing wrestling skills and moves from everyone in the match. It’s going to be pure magic. So long as no one is injured.
Winner, and Mr. Money in the Bank: Dean Ambrose
Rusev vs. Titus O’Neil
For the United States Championship
After the previous two matches, I honestly forgot that this was happening. It’s rude, I know, but I was so caught up in all the possibilities of what will happen tonight. Now, will Rusev try to win the right way like an adult? Or will Titus be able to overcome the cheating?
Winner: Rusev retains via submission.
Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins
For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Ah man, this has been a feud two years in the making. Always derailed due to injuries from either contender, tonight is finally the night we see the beginning of their face off. Can Roman retain the belt he defeated titans to get, including Seth’s paw-paw Triple H? Or will Seth take back what he never actually lost?
Winner: Seth Rollins gets his belt back!
Bonus: Dean Ambrose cashes in his MITB contract
New WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Dean Ambrose