The Raw Bits: (Highlights 10/31/16)

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Happy Halloween! To scare the fecal matter out of you, the show started off immediately with Goldberg’s entrance. So yes, if you are not paying any attention as you have just turned on your television, you may want to hover above a toilet or at least sit on a towel.

Rusev is confused.

Rusev is mixing porn with reality, and it’s mildly concerning. All he can talk about is Goldberg’s jackhammer and his spear, and really…..I mean, come on Rusev. If you want to experience it so bad, just take the man out to dinner. A steak, some wine, maybe split a dessert. You guys could have a great time.

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Ezno & Big Cass’ costumes are everything.

Ya got Enzo Lightyear and his buddy Big Woody (giggity) ready to take on Luke Gallows for this trick or street fight. Enzo is going to hit him to infinity and beyond, and Big Woody will watch with delight while he deals with the snake in his boot. Is that a euphemism for penis? I don’t know in this context, WWE has been awfully sexual these days….but either way it works.

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“You should be down on your knees thanking us.” –Chris Jericho 2016

In which Jericho wants Mick Foley on his knees in front of him, probably saying “Thank you Sir, may I have another?”. Alright WWE just say you’re sponsored by PornHub at this point.

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That sass off between Roman and Jericho.

If only they still had “stupid idiot” costumes. Roman could finally fulfill Jericho’s fantasy of being inside of him.

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Well that wraps it up for Monday Night Raw highlights by moi! I’d put more, but, I work with children and three hours is far too long for a program. Good grief. The night ended with a teaser of a Shield reunion with Seth making the save for Roman Reigns. Basically, fangirl and fanboy hearts and genitals everywhere exploded at the sight.

 

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Hell in a Cell: Highlights (10/30/2016)

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Allow me to say: this historic “triple main event” business is garbage. You cannot have three main events. The main event is the last match that caps off the show because it’s pretty much the best damn thing you’re supposed to see all night. By saying there’s three main events you’re saying: well in case Sasha vs. Charlotte doesn’t go over well, I’ve got two other matches to fall back on and say THAT was the main event. It’s poop. Hogwash, bullshit.

You don’t say you’re having a “triple season premiere”, that’s ridiculous! Triple main event is just as ridiculous.

Kick Off Match

 

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Cedric Alexander, Lince Dorado, Sin Cara vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, Ariya Daivari

The RAW roster is making good use of their cruiserweight division, and that’s by having the gang open up the show with a flippy-flippy, mega agile, jaw-dropping type of match. Now I like the cruiser weights, and I love fast paced matches like this, but let’s make sure no one flips off into oblivion, yeah?

Winners: Cedric Alexander, Lice Dorado, Sin Cara

Hell in a Cell

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Roman Reigns vs. Rusev

United States Championship Hell in a Cell Match

This is one of three main events for the night, and it’s starting off our Hell in a Cell PPV. Hopefully they have a spare cell lying around somewhere for the next two matches, in case these brutes destroy the structure a la Mick Foley and The Undertaker. Who will take the match? No one knows, Roman’s going against a discount Wolverine right now. The power of looking like Wolverine could give Rusev some mystical sort of power boost. It’s anyone’s game!

Winner:  Roman Reigns retains the title – after an oddly kinky/erotic match.

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Bayley vs. Dana Brooke

I can’t help but feel like this match resembles a middle schooler deciding to beat the ever living shit out of a wee little first grader. There’s just something about this dynamic between the two of them. For some reason Bayley’s happiness and cinnamon-roll like demeanor just reminds me of the purest of small children. Can’t imagine why, doubt it’s the bright colors, or the wacky waving…something something something tube men. Then there’s Dana, the arrogant, patronizing woman you want to punch in the face because she’s just so good at making you despise her. AH, storytelling, it’s lovely.

Winner: Bayley

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Big Cass, Enzo Amore vs. Luke Gallows, Karl Anderson

I know that whenever Enzo is in a match, I can look forward to someone picking him up and throwing him around like a blow up doll. Whether that’s his opponent, or his partner, it’s always fun to see him fly. Plus, he does bring me great joy by discussing how generic Karl Anderson is, it’s like talking about every single white boy ever..one white boy to another. What? Where was I? Big Cass made a Larry Bird pun. I can’t, it’s only hour two, they’re too entertaining and it’s draining my energy.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, YAAAAY! 

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Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens

WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match

I look forward to this match being absolutely absurd and ridiculous. From Kevin’s beautiful quips during the match, to Seth ultimately doing a very, very stupid, death defying stunt. I don’t even know if I can make a joke about this. Oh, maybe I can say something about the former golden child now fighting the new golden boy to redeem his place. Eh…no, it just doesn’t go. Enjoy the second main event of the night!

Winner: Kevin Owens retains the championship….fuck that was a great match.

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TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

After the promo shown for this match up, all I could think about was that Gotye song, Somebody That I Used To Know. Man, sounds like things were pretty tight between these two. Welp. Not no more. Game nerd is about to destroy homeless looking Jesus.

Winner: Brian Kendrick via submission, and now that he’s won I assume he’ll get a haircut.

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The New Day vs. Cesaro, Sheamus

Raw Tag Team Championship Match

I’m so torn on who I want to win. Cesaro is one of my favorite wrestlers…but he’s paired with Sheamus, my favorite wrestler not because I like his abilities but because I love to make dumb jokes about him and his hair….and his ability to shine bright like a diamond on his entrance. Then there’s The New Day, and I adore them as well but they’ve had the titles for so long… alright, I made up my mind. Cesaro can hold both tag team title belts by himself, because he’s the Swiss Superman.

Winners: Cesaro and Sheamus via disqualification, but The New Day retains the titles. Fuck.

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Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

Raw Women’s Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Finally, the third (and actual) main event of the night! Both women had incredible entrances that suited them so well. They had men CARRYING them and escorting them, far from the usual of women walking their men to the ring. Good, reverse the roles!

I’m ready for them to utterly destroy each other, as the first women to step inside HIAC.  It’s a historic moment for both these ladies, especially Sasha, who gets to do this in her home town.

Winner: Charlotte wins! 

What a pay per view! Every HIAC match was incredible, and as the main event, and the first women’s HIAC match, the ladies killed it! As well as each other, I mean, that was just….god it was brutal. What a match.

 

SmackDown: Fearless Lock (Highlights 10/25/16)

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I’ll be honest with you here, SmackDown started and I wasn’t entirely ready  for it. All I heard was Dean going on about something with a search warrant, then Ellsworth came in  with several shades of grateful and gosh darn precious. It seems that while Dean loved being ringside and offering a distraction during James’ matches, he doesn’t want Mr. No Chin to be there for his and end up doing the same.

The Fuck, Randall?

I have no idea why Randy RKO’ed Kane, his supposed tag team partner. I have a feeling he might be a little bit mad about Kane kidnapping his father all those years ago. Seriously man, get over it already.

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To be frank, I was very bored with this episode of SmackDown. It wasn’t holding my interest for very long, then again, I work with kids and I’m pretty god damn exhausted by the time SmackDown airs. I will give credit where credit is deserved: 1) Nikki Bella’s new submission finisher (Fearless Lock) looks pretty god damn awesome. Number 2) James Ellsworth has incredible facial expressions.

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The Raw Bits: Grandpa Mick’s Warnings (Highlights 10/24/16)

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RAW starts out with us learning that someone has stolen the List of Jericho. Someone had the audacity to steal his most prized possession, hell…this seems like it’s borderline kidnapping. Something tells me the list might meet an untimely end like Dean’s old friend Mitch the plant.

Seth Rollins, god complex.

He has a god complex, right? I mean, he says he’s going to make sure Kevin Owens won’t be fit enough to walk around with the title ‘The Man’. I mean, this guy really, truly believes he’s all that, a bag of chips, and a tall glass of Dr. Pepper. Sigh, this is what happens when the Authority just feeds into his ego and treats him like the spoiled brat he is…

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Shame on Sheamus!

Finally, someone (The New Day) is finally shaming Sheamus! Thank goodness, that man is a mess, a former shell of himself. Quite frankly, he’s just a giant bully with an awful hairdo. The man needs to be shamed for a little while, humble the guy, let him get his shit together. I will never respect the hawk.

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Mick Foley still has unresolved feelings about the Cell.

I think he has a few souvenirs from HIAC, maybe that’s why. This segment takes me back to his little chat with Seth and Dean-warning them that the match changes who you are. You might come out a shell of your former self. Hell, you may leave with less limbs than you entered with.

However, Charlotte really stole the show coming into her own as the evil Queen. She brought the fire in the match between her and Sasha. Bringing up her tendency to get injured easily? Oh dear, she’s going to make this match a brutal one.

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RAW was okay, I mean, it was missing a very crucial part. It should have had Mick talking to the male competitors for HIAC this coming Sunday. He spoke to Sasha and Charlotte, so he should’ve extended his warnings! A nice locker room talk, where he’s wrapped the superstars in warm blankets and makes them hot cocoa in order to soothe their worries during the explanation of the soon to be devastating ordeal. I just feel like that really would have sold the idea of how scary and life changing HIAC is.

 

 

SmackDown: Bray Comes Last (Highlights 10/18/16)

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I can’t believe we’re at a time where SmackDown Live opens with James Ellsworth getting his very own shirt: with his face smack dab in the center. What a time to be alive, and surely the millions and millions of his fans must be clamoring to get one to support him. What a time to be alive.

Bray to Randy: “I like coming after you”.

Uh, what? Alright, well. At least we know that Bray sticks by the golden rule of “she finishes first”, as explained to us by Xavier Woods of The New Day. A little much for me to know, and I mean, this is a PG program, but hey! To each their own, Bray’s apparently a very open person. Good for him.

Can we talk about the fact that Kane is Randy’s tag team partner? This is how that conversation should have gone:

Randy: I know I kidnapped your father and left him in a freezer to die, but will you be my tag team partner?

Kane: Go fuck yourself, Orton.

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Natalya loves Whitney Houston.

Alright, but shoutout to her for figuring out how to work Whitney Houston’s lyrics into her plea with Daniel Bryan, that’s just pure dedication.

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After this episode of SmackDown, I don’t think there’s anyone on the roster that’s more over than James Ellsworth.

The Raw Bits: Highlights (10/17/16)

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Well, the beginning of Monday Night Raw saw the birth of Sparkle Crotch (aka Chris Jericho), so that was something. The crowd now has a new favorite chant to say, but ya know if Roman Reigns said it the boos would be heard all the way in New Zealand.

Lots of Little Gems

I’ve been really bored all day. I don’t know what it is, but this episode of Raw just couldn’t keep my attention. Sure there were lots of little gems like the JeriKO romantic dispute, or Cesaro’s Facebok livestream during Sheamus’ match. Sami was a great man of the people, finally stepping up to Braun Strowman (totally didn’t end well). Hell, the brawl between Rusev and Roman was kind of entertaining once you got passed that very long Rusev family history.

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TJ Perkins might like video games.

Honestly I’m not too sure about this one. I know they constantly make game references, use the vernacular associated with gaming, but I’m not sure. I mean, what games does he like exactly? For all we know, he could be a massive fan of mind games. Are they beating us over the head with all of these gaming references because he likes video games? Or is there something more? What is the meaning of video games? Can you tell a lot about a man by his favorite game? Favorite console? This is just getting too deep for me to keep up.

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As for Brock and Goldberg: I don’t care. I despise Brock Lesnar, I’m indifferent with Goldberg, but I really loathe Brock Lesnar. It just needs to be Tuesday already so I can watch SmackDown!

Side Note: Goldberg’s entrance is dramatic as fuck, as the kids say.

Extra Side Note: He seemed so happy to be back, it was adorable.

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AJ Styles: Mom Hair, Don’t Care

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The Champ is here: AJ Styles, and with him he brings a mane that can’t be tamed. The man known for beating both John Cena and Dean Ambrose has a killer asset that’s frequently discussed. Actually there’s a couple of body parts to him that are usually discussed but this isn’t Skinemax so we’re sticking with the PG asset: the hair.

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That hair is beautiful. Dark, luscious locks that remind you of a free flowing chocolate waterfall every time you watch him threaten to beat up John Cena. Yet no one really discusses the sheer beauty of his hair. There’s never a positive comment about how good it looks. All anyone can ever say is that he’s got soccer mom hair; the nerve of these scoundrels! They make it seems as though this whole soccer mom business would be a bad thing, but you know what? It’s incredible.

Who has soccer mom hair? Champions, that’s who.

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Who whips their hair back and forth? This guy, who does it so much better than Willow Smith could have ever hoped to do so.

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Ya know who doesn’t whip their hair back and forth? Losers, and who are the losers of SmackDown now? Dean Ambrose and John Cena. Ambrose’s hair looks like it was caught in a twister and fell onto his scalp once the storm settled. As for Cena, when has he ever had good hair, hmm?

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This mockery about AJ Styles’ hair is absolutely tragic. A champ with such an elite standing does not deserve this abuse, especially given the hair status of the previously mentioned chuckleheads. The world of professional wrestling is simply envious of his hair. He’s got a fierce mane all his own, no weave, plugs, extensions, or wigs necessary. That’s pure genetics doing its finest work, something just a few people in WWE might be jealous of.

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Look at this latest look in the Styles’ hair world. I like to call this look: Straight Outta Asgard.

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My final piece: Sporty Spice.

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The champ is here with his mom hair, and he simply doesn’t care what anyone else has to say about it. This hair is for winners, so that means he’ll have that mane for quite some time. If you want to be a winner and have fabulous hair such as AJ’s then fret not! Rumor has it he’s going to launch his own hair care line in Spring 2017, but you can only purchase it if you are a current title holding champion.